Constrained Desire
by the rotten1
Summary: This story follows the Sanzo ikkou through the storyline, taking a closer look at their relationships with each other. It's mainly a 383 fic Sanzo x Hakkai but also has a lot of 858 Hakkai x Gojyo , especially toward the beginning. Warning: Yaoi Lemons
1. Chapter 1 That's Pretty Gay

**That's Pretty Gay**

It was a cold, peaceful night, and Hakkai was standing next to the open window and looking down at the landscape below. It was during times such as these, that his mind started to wander. Thoughts of the events of the day ran through his mind, as well as memories of the past. Yaone, the assassin from the bar, had become all too familiar when she drew her dagger and held it to her chest, passionately declaring that she no longer had any need for her life. When she said goodbye to Kougaiji with tears of sorrow streaming from her eyes, it was too much like Kanan. So much that Hakkai could barely contain himself. He felt compelled to take action, as if he had to save her... but then, the decision was taken out of his hands when Kougaiji came to claim his subordinate.

The whole issue had brought up so many memories, so many thoughts of the past. Having no opportunity to act on such strong emotions, he felt pensive. As though some part of the conflict, along with some part of his past, had somehow gone unresolved. It was in this state of mind that he stood by the window.

"It's cold tonight." Sanzo said.

"Sanzo." Hakkai said. He had been so lost in thought that he'd almost forgotten that anyone was there. "It's been three years since we met." Three years since Sanzo had come hunting for the demon-slayer, Cho Gonou. Three years since he was allowed to pursue his return trip to the the castle of Hyakugan Mao, the place where he'd killed a thousand demons... and lost the person most precious to him in this world. Three years since Sanzo had chanted that healing sutra over the blackened ashes of the castle that no longer remained. Three years since he took Cho Gonou in chains to the Sanbutsushin. Three years since he was given a new name, and along with it, a new life.

"Has it only been three years? It feels longer." Sanzo responded. "To the point of making me sick." The last comment was intended to negate his prior reflective tone and express his disgust for anything that provoked as much emotion in him as did the past. Hakkai knew that, and it made him a bit uneasy.

"Now that you mention it, you're right. Ahahaha." Hakkai agreed, laughing a little at that attitude. "It's just that I remembered a lot of things." He said, both explaining himself and making an apology for bringing the matter up. "It's not like I've forgotten about it." Of course, forgetting something like that was probably impossible. The memories of his past still haunted him.

"Hakkai...." Sanzo trailed off, noting the troubled tone in the other man's voice. He knew that Hakkai had never asked to be saved. Back then, he had genuinely wanted to die. "If you're still having feelings of vindication and wanting to take vengeance for that time...." If Hakkai had any regrets about coming, if being around Sanzo reminded him too much of his own torturous past, then maybe it was better if he left. "You're permitted to take the road you wish."

"That's true...." Hakkai agreed. He knew that he was free to come and go as he pleased, and he didn't feel as though Sanzo had compelled him to come along the journey. "However, I choose to be here." Even if he did want to leave the group, he wasn't sure what he would do on his own with all of them gone. At any rate, he didn't know how they'd take care of themselves without him. "Plus..."

That was when Goku and Gojyo broke into the room, upsetting the quiet, contemplative mood with their exhaustive quarreling. They always did have a rather unique ability to shatter the silence and render everything that had been discussed before their entrance meaningless. However, it wasn't a conversation that Cho Hakkai would soon forget. As soon as Sanzo succeeded in scaring the two unwelcome visitors back into their room he started disrobing and climbing into bed. _How very like him. _Hakkai thought. He had fully intended to finish their conversation, but Sanzo could be quite ornery if anything kept him from his sleep. _I suppose that any further discussion will have to wait._ With that, he started getting ready for bed too.

Unfortunately, the next night was not without interruption. After a long day's travel they found demon corpses on the way to the next town. Speculation as to what had happened to them occupied Hakkai's mind and distracted him from anything he might have said to Sanzo. Then, in the middle of the night, it started raining. Hakkai couldn't sleep with that sound ringing in his ears, reminding him of that time all those years ago, when he'd slaughtered so many demons. He tossed and turned, but then eventually gave up and went out to the kitchen to make some tea.

He was on his way back to his room when he heard a noise coming from the one Sanzo was in. Hakkai walked into the room and Sanzo was sitting upright on the bed, with a strained, haunted expression on his face that conveyed deep emotional distraught. "Are you alright?"

"Hakkai..." Sanzo said, turning his head to look at him as thought he'd only just realized that someone else was in the room.

"You were having a terrible nightmare." Hakkai said, offering him a cup of warm tea.

"Yeah... thanks!" Sanzo replied, gratefully taking the cup in appreciation of having something to take his mind off of the dream he'd just had.

"It's okay." Hakkai replied. "I'm not okay... on rainy nights either." _If we both have to be up worrying about something in the middle of the night, then we might as well spend that time worrying together._

"Right." Sanzo agreed. Then their respite was interrupted by a girl who found a demon in the kitchen. The other two members of the party joined in the fight, but before they could get rid of that demon and it's buddy, they had a confrontation with a talisman-wielding monk called Rikudo, who Sanzo seemed strangely familiar with. From the moment Hakkai heard Sanzo call the man's true name, Shuei, he had wondered what sort of relationship the two had. The way Sanzo talked so casually with the man made it obvious that they had once been close. Close enough to merit Sanzo's consideration, a feat that was not easily achieved.

However, the attack that proceeded their conversation indicated that whatever past experience the two had shared, the current situation was scarcely affected by it. It was business as usual when Sanzo refused to join them at the beginning of the fight, but then he gave them all a scare when he took a stab to the gut in order to shield Goku from an unanticipated attack. After they moved Sanzo out of the way, Goku threw a fit and his power limiter burst. Hakkai focused on Sanzo, knowing that the only way to save them all from their current predicament would be to save him. He was relieved to find that the attack had missed Sanzo's vital organs. Still, he knew it was all he could do to close Sanzo's wound, leaving Gojyo to confront the blood-thirsty monster that Goku had become.

It all could have turned out very bad, had they not received a visit from the Merciful Goddess herself. In one fell swoop she put the power limiter back on Goku and gave Sanzo enough blood to recover from his injuries by taking some forcefully from Gojyo through a kiss, which (among other things, such as her haughty attitude) Hakkai found fairly disturbing. However, he also wondered why she called Sanzo by the strange name of Konzen Douji, and at the reasons that a Goddess would condescend to interfere in their affairs. Although he understood that the mission they were on was important, he wasn't aware that it was so critical. Even it if was critical, he got the feeling that there was something more to the Goddess's visit.

After they all went back to their rooms, Goku was distraught by the whole series of events and didn't want to leave Sanzo's side. He couldn't seem to remember anything that he did after his power limiter fell off. Sitting by the side of the bed, Hakkai listened to Goku talk about how Sanzo was the ray of sun that saved him from his rocky prison. Owing much to Sanzo himself, Hakkai was not unable to identify with how much Goku wanted to do something to help Sanzo in return. It was a desire Hakkai shared, one that was constantly in his mind. When he suggested that Goku answer to Sanzo and try not to die, it wasn't only a suggestion to Goku, it was also something he aspired to himself.

The message seemed to sink in, and Goku finally left Sanzo's side to wander into the kitchen. Hakkai was pleased, although he worried that the monk's first action once he was well enough to walk would be to go after the man who had given him that wound. "Please, try to limit actions that might open the wound we've sealed already." He said, to the presumably unconscious man laying on the bed. "I don't want to see a pair of the same wounds."

However, Sanzo was conscious, and heard everything that Hakkai and Goku had said. After thinking about what had lead him to jump in front of that staff in the first place, he realized that he really was getting attached to these guys. He rolled over and slapped a hand on his forehead. "How uncool...." He said. He really hated that he let himself get all emotional about this. Such emotional attachment was really the last thing he needed. He couldn't stand it any more than he could stand to simply lie in his bed and wait to heal. As long as there was any strength left in him, he would not allow himself to be found so weak. For him, there was no choice but to go after Shuei himself.

He loaded his gun, and as he snapped it back into place there was a sharp, stabbing pain in the wound at his side, halting his progress. "Damn it." he cursed. Then there was a knock on the door, and Gojyo's voice drifted from the other side.

"Hey, droopy eyes. If you want to leave secretly, try using that window in your room." He warned in a friendly tone of voice. "I have to be here because I'm supposed to be supervising you. Please leave in a way that I wouldn't realize you're gone." he paused for a moment, and then, so that there weren't any misunderstandings, he said, "Go ahead and do what you want. It's your problem, right? I don't have any obligation to stop you."

"You and the others..." Sanzo trailed off, frustrated with the situation, "such meddlesome fools!"

"Aw- you're so cold... and even after we shared a second-hand kiss." Sanzo aimed his gun at the area where he assumed the kappa's head would be. "That was a joke just now." Gojyo defended himself. He could've let it go at that, but there was one more thing he had to say to the monk before he left. "The rosary beads around Rikudo's neck. They're yours, right?"

"So what?" Sanzo stood on the other side of the door and folded his arms. He didn't know what pissed him off more, that the lecherous water sprite had noticed the connection between himself and Shuei, or that he actually had the audacity to bring it up.

"I knew it." Gojyo said, in a self-satisfied tone. He found it highly amusing that there was someone who meant enough to Sanzo that he would get upset about it. "When the time comes that those beads can't take the talisman's power anymore, that guy'll-" He paused, the meaning behind the sentence was obvious enough without saying the last word. "Well, I don't really care about it, but if something happens to you, there are two loud people... Wow! You're so popular, Sanzo-sama."

"Hmpf! Keep on rambling." Sanzo replied. Then he got up and headed for the window.

"Well, bye now!" was Gojyo's farewell. He sat there by the door, casually smoking his cigarettes and waiting for Hakkai and Goku to get back. He' decided that he'd try to stall them from finding out that Sanzo was gone, for awhile. Not that he wanted to, but because Sanzo would be pissed if they came after him right away. Gojyo didn't really care if the bald monk was angry, but he wasn't terribly fond of having bullets whizzing through the air in his general direction either. So he sat there waiting patiently for minutes on end. They felt more like hours, but he somehow doubted that was the case. There wasn't much to do but sit there and think, and thinking wasn't really his favorite pastime... unless he was thinking about pretty women.

Given the current situation, he found it hard to focus on anything but what Sanzo's vengeful fight with Shuei might mean for all four members of the group. It's be easy enough to keep the other two out of the room for a little while. Hakkai was busy cooking and Goku was busy eating. Gojyo doubted that even Hakkai could cook quickly enough to keep up with the monkey's appetite. Hakkai came to check in on Gojyo once in awhile, but it would be easy enough to just report that he hadn't heard anything moving around in the room and that Sanzo was still sleeping. The real problem would come when the meal was over and Goku wanted to see his master.

"What a pain in the ass." he said, thinking of Sanzo as much as his pet chimp. It couldn't be helped though, Sanzo did whatever Sanzo wanted to do.

Like Hakkai, Gojyo couldn't help but wonder what sort of relationship the bald priest had with the talisman-bearing monk. The fact that those beads were really his raised an interesting question. Why would Sanzo, who never gave anything to anyone, give a prized possession like that away? Gojyo was convinced that it meant something, and he had a pretty good idea of what that something might be.

Footsteps echoed down the hallway as Hakkai plodded dutifully down to the spot where Gojyo was sitting by the door. "How is Sanzo doing?" he asked.

"It's pretty damn quiet in there, I haven't heard a sound all this time."

"Good. Then at least he's getting some much needed rest." Hakkai said, sounding relieved. "Here, Gojyo, I brought you some egg rolls. I thought I'd save you a few before Goku ate them all."

"Thanks, I appreciate it." Gojyo replied, wondering why Hakkai hadn't brought anything else. Usually when Hakkai cooked he made a whole variety of items. "Why don't you grab me some of whatever else you've made? That is, unless the monkey's eaten all of that too."

"His appetite is insatiable as always." Hakkai replied, with a genuinely pleasant tone in his voice that expressed his relief that the monkey's appetite had returned. "I can make some more though, there's plenty of food... although if he keeps up at this pace then we might have to go shopping."

_Good, I hope he does. _Gojyo thought. _That'd buy me even more time. _

"However, I think that any grocery shopping should wait until Sanzo recovered."

"What? You think I can't handle a pissy old monk who's half dead, Hakkai?" Gojyo asked in a tone of false outrage.

"Sanzo can be dangerous even when he's injured." Hakkai warned sheepishly. "Besides... I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving the two of you alone under -any- circumstances."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'll be back later, with more food!" Hakkai said, before hastily scrambling back to the kitchen.

"Hakkai! I wasn't done talking to you, damn it!" Gojyo yelled after him. "Tch... it's not like I'm gonna rape him or anything." _How annoying. _Gojyo thought. _Just because I had a little crush on Sanzo back when I first met him because I thought that he was pretty.... Well, he is pretty, but now that I know him I know that he's also a pain in the ass. Like hell I'd get with that. _Although, he had to admit that he did enjoy teasing Sanzo about it.He sighed and pulled another cigarette out of his pack. He didn't really believe that was the reason Hakkai left so suddenly, he knew it was because Hakkai was afraid that if he and Sanzo did get into a fight one of them might end up hurt. It was ironic, but he really didn't have anything to worry about.

_What do you think is worse? _Gojyo wondered. _Facing the wrath of Sanzo for trying to keep him in his room, or facing the wrath of Hakkai and Goku for letting him go? _Normally he would jump at the chance to get on Sanzo's nerves, but... _I'll take Hakkai and Goku any day. Besides... it's not like I don't understand why he wanted to go anyway. _The truth was that he understood well enough. Having killed a few demons who were once friends but later went berserk, he knew that it was just something that you had to do in order to stand up for yourself. The situation between Sanzo and Shuei wasn't all that different, although it wasn't really the same either.

What had Shuei done to merit Sanzo giving him those beads? What was Sanzo like when he was younger? Although there might have been some differences, Gojyo doubted that there were very many. Certainly not anything so drastic as Sanzo being a people person or having friends, right? At least, not more than perhaps a select few. Aside from the Sanzo priest who he had called master, Shuei was the only other person he knew of from Sanzo's past who had shared a close bond of any kind with him. Were there any more? To think of Sanzo having any more friends than that was almost laughable. He could barely handle the ones that he had now. Still, there was something about the whole thing with Shuei that struck Gojyo as being awfully fishy.

Half an hour passed by before Hakkai finally came back with more food. They sat and ate together for a bit to relieve their boredom, chatting pleasantly about Goku's bottomless pit of a stomach and Sanzo's selfish pride. Hakkai found it relaxing to get away from Goku for a moment and Gojyo was momentarily relieved from his boredom.

"It's a little hard for me to believe that he's been sleeping all this time." Hakkai admitted. "I was worried that he'd be up causing trouble by now. Then again, his injuries were pretty severe."

"Maybe he's pissed off that the goddess-lady kissed him. Gojyo suggested. "I'm in a hurry to forget about that myself."

"I wonder if he even remembers that. He was unconscious, wasn't he?"

"It's hard to tell with Sanzo. Besides, you know how much he hates it when anyone touches him."

"That's true. I think that if he weren't unconscious he would've tried to kill her."

"Ya really think he could've killed her? She is a goddess."

"I don't have the slightest idea, but I am quite certain that he would've tried."

"It'd be too bad if he did. She was actually pretty hot, for a self-assured bitch."

"So that's why you didn't like her. I thought that it was strange that you didn't enjoy having a beautiful woman kiss you."

"I didn't enjoy it because she sucked the strength out of me!" Gojyo angrily explained. "Geez... don't I always say that it's better when I'm on top?"

"That's not what you said last night." Hakkai teased. "Hehehe."

"Yeah, well... that's different."

"Anyway, I should probably head back to the kitchen. Knowing Goku, he's probably already devoured all the food again. I fear we really will have to go buy something just to have food in the house for Sanzo once he wakes up. I tried to save some for him, but I was barely able to get out of that kitchen with just enough for me and you."

"That little monkey really can be a pest."

"In any case, I can trust you to stay here and guard the door, right? I know your day has been really boring, but I can't leave him here alone and having Goku watch him is out of the question. Since it's only going to be the two of us, I'm sure we won't be gone very long."

"Whatever." Gojyo replied, taking a hit of his cigarette. "Maybe if I'm lucky the monk'll wake up and give me something interesting to do."

"Just promise me to avoid getting in the way of his gun if he does, okay?"

"Shit... it's not like I don't have any experience dodging the thing."

"Alright, I'll see you later."

"Bring back some sake for me, will ya?" He called out, just as Hakkai turned the corner. There was no reply, but Gojyo knew that the other man had heard him. "Finally..." he muttered to himself. "Now while they're gone I can get a short break from guarding this door." He got up and stretched his stiff muscles, and then walked down the hall. He made sure that Hakkai and Goku were long gone before he ventured out of the building. _If I remember correctly there's a tavern just a few blocks down, that oughtta provide some entertainment while those guys are busy shopping. _Keeping an eye on the road, he snuck into the tavern. It was five games of cards, two pints of beer, and three pretty girls later by the time he headed back to the inn. The place was as empty and desolate as it was when he'd left.

He walked through the hallway and sat back down in his spot, smoking a few cigarettes before he heard the other two arrive. It started with the creak of the door, and then there was the sound of bags full of items being set down on the table. Gojyo could hear the faint footsteps and muttered voices of Goku and Hakkai as they talked while putting the groceries away. It had taken them a lot longer than they had expected, but Gojyo wasn't surprised, considering the fact that there was no one to stop the monkey from eating everything that they were trying to buy while Hakkai analyzed the produce. Plus, he had the annoying habit of begging to stop at some street-side stand to get meat buns.

Eventually the sounds of the food being put away faded away, to be replaced by the sound of two sets of feet stepping around on the hardwood floor, headed in his direction. _Oh boy, here comes the fun part. _Gojyo thought. He sat there casually smoking his cigarette as though he didn't have a care in the world, right up until they stopped just a couple feet away from him.

"We've finally come to relieve you." Hakkai cheerfully informed.

"It's about damn time! I was about to start sprouting roots here!" Gojyo complained.

"Well, Goku had a little problem keeping the food we were buying out of his mouth. However, we eventually overcame that difficulty with some meat buns, right Goku?"

"Those meat buns were really tasty, but I'm still hungry!" the monkey said.

"In addition to the usual groceries, I left a bottle of sake out on the table for you. There's also a tavern down the street if you're so inclined." Hakkai offered. "I can't believe Sanzo's really been asleep all this time."

"About Sanzo..." Gojyo replied, trying to find some way to postpone the inevitable. What sort of excuse could he provide? He thought about claiming that the monk had snuck up on him and knocked him out, but such an obvious lie would never fool Hakkai. It'd only make him more upset. He really couldn't think of anything to distract Hakkai from the present situation, except... "I've been thinkin' that maybe he bats for the other team, if you know what I mean."

"I didn't know that Sanzo played baseball!" Goku said.

"Gojyo, be serious." Hakkai said. "This isn't the time for-"

"I am serious!" Gojyo cut in. "Think about it, he never shows any interest in women at all!"

"What do girls have to do with it?" Goku asked.

"Sanzo never shows interest in -anyone-, male or female." Hakkai countered.

"Yeah, but... look at all the girly clothes that he wears!" Gojyo insistently continued.

"What does clothing have to do with baseball?" Goku asked. "Is there a team that dresses like Sanzo does? Freaky!"

"Goku, why don't you go back into the kitchen for a minute?" Hakkai asked. "I have something I need to discuss with Gojyo privately."

"But... I haven't gotten to see Sanzo, yet! Besides, maybe he's already awake and we can ask him what team he's batting for!"

"Nice try, monkey." Gojyo said. "But I don't think it'll be that easy."

"There are some extra meat buns on the counter." Hakkai said.

"Extra meat buns? I'm totally there!" Goku said, dashing off into the kitchen.

"That got him out of the way pretty quick." Gojyo commented.

"Gojyo, haven't we had this discussion before?" Hakkai asked.

"Yeah, I know... you don't think there's anything wrong with the way he dresses."

"It's Sanzo's robe, Gojyo, he has to wear it regardless of the style."

"I know that! But... it's not like he'd wear it if he really didn't want to. Besides, I wasn't talking about that, I meant all the other girly stuff he wears on days when he's not wearing it."

"Sanzo's taste in attire has always leaned toward a punk-ish look that is somewhat effeminate, that doesn't really mean that he's attracted to men. Honestly, Sanzo is so anti-social that I don't think he's -sexually- attracted to anyone. I couldn't even imagine him having a celibate romantic relationship..."

"Forget about that! What about the beads, Hakkai? You know, the ones he gave to Shuei?"

"You mean the talisman-user, Rikudo?"

"Think about it for a minute, when's the last time you ever saw Sanzo give something to someone?"

"Um... never." Hakkai replied. "But, back when he was younger he might not have had the same reservations. Perhaps he was a more generous person?"

"I highly doubt he was -that- generous."

"Just because he gave someone something doesn't mean that there was anything like that going on between the two of them!"

"Yeah, but can you even imagine Sanzo giving anything like that to a woman?!" Hakkai made as if he was about to reply, but whatever he had wanted to say seemed to be stuck in his throat as he contemplated the question. "Ha! I gotcha on that one."

"Maybe that's true, but..."

"You've also got to take into consideration that he hates older women. Like that spider-demon who attacked us the first night we set out, and even the Merciful Goddess. Can you imagine him having the same reaction if the person in question was a man?"

"Well..." Hakkai trailed off, thinking about it for a minute. He didn't come to a conclusion. "Gojyo, even if he didn't have the same contempt for them it really doesn't prove..."

"I know it doesn't -prove- anything, but it's mighty suspicious, don'tcha think?"

"I'm not so sure." Hakkai replied. He'd never really thought about it that way before. Although the clothing argument was moot in his opinion, Gojyo's argument had some good points. Hakkai had never noticed Sanzo treating people in general any different according to their gender. He saved helpless innocents and reviled obnoxious enemies alike, but... he did seem to particularly despise self-assured and overbearing women like the Merciful Goddess. Although he was passed out when she appeared he still had the presence of mind to swat at her. Not that he wouldn't do so to anyone who was stupid enough to kiss him. But he despised the spider demon too, even though the reason for that could be because she had gotten a few hits on him before the others showed up. Although there were explanations for his behavior, Hakkai couldn't completely shake Gojyo's accusation.

After thinking about it, he really couldn't imagine Sanzo having a close relationship with a woman. Even if it were just a friendship, it wouldn't fit. Admittedly, he didn't fully understand the situation with Shuei, and although he had serious doubts that it was anything more than platonic, it was still closer than any other relationships that Sanzo had and he knew about... save, perhaps, the relationship he had with his master back when he was young. Although Hakkai realized that his own relationship with Sanzo was pretty close and Goku could probably say the same, he simply couldn't imagine Sanzo ever getting even that close to a woman. Perhaps because a woman might take it the wrong way.

Still, that didn't necessarily indicate an attraction to men the way Gojyo suggested it did. In Hakkai's mind Gojyo was over-exaggerating things. "I think that Sanzo may be more comfortable relating to men on a platonic basis." Hakkai finally admitted. "But that doesn't necessarily lead to him being more comfortable with them on a more intimate level."

"Well then, I only have one more thing to say."

"What's that?"

"It takes one to know one." Gojyo said, with that obnoxious, lop-sided smirk on his face.

"Gojyo, don't be silly." Hakkai stated, in his usual falsely happy tone which meant that he was really getting annoyed. "Now, please go take your break so that I can get into the room."

At this point, Gojyo realized that resistance was futile. "Alright, if you say so." He got up and moved out of the way effortlessly.

Hakkai opened the door and it only took him a fraction of a second to realize that Sanzo was not in his bed. "Gojyo, I told you to watch over him! Didn't you hear it when he opened the window?"

Hearing the noise, Goku came rushing into the room. "Hakkai, what's wrong? Hey! Sanzo's not in his bed!"

"What a shame." Gojyo casually replied. "I guess he must've got up and left when I went to take my bathroom break."

"You stupid water sprite!" Goku yelled, throwing a punch at Gojyo's chest.

Gojyo blocked it easily. "Who are you to call me stupid, you little monkey!"

"Stop calling me that!"

"Monkey! Monkey! Stupid little-"

"Enough, you two!" Hakkai interrupted. "Now that Sanzo's gone we should all climb into the jeep and go find him! We need to leave the inn now anyway."


	2. Chapter 2 Something Funny

**Something Funny**

Hours later they picked Sanzo up, and without so much as a word about what happened to Shuei, he tossed his gun into the back seat and laid down to nap while Hakkai kept driving westward. After another couple of hours driving across the wilderness the other two passed out as well. Hakkai was just starting to enjoy the peaceful ride when he heard Sanzo start to stir. After several moments worth of shifting around uncomfortably, the bleary-eyed monk finally sat up and pulled out a cigarette. "Did you enjoy your nap?" Hakkai asked. Sanzo was too drowsy to form an answer, so he simply let a weary moan out of his mouth before lighting up. "You were out for a couple hours." Hakkai continued. "How are you feeling?"

"I'm fine." Sanzo replied in a grouchy, don't-ask-me-anymore-questions, tone of voice.

"You know... we were really worried about you, especially Goku."

"Tch... since when did it become everybody else's business?"

"I hate to be a bother, but..." Hakkai started off using his usual falsely pleasant tone, but then his voice lowered in a manner that indicated that he was quite serious, "it became our business when you decided to take us along with you on this journey, Sanzo."

"Whatever." he replied, still too drowsy to argue. He was more intent on taking a drag from his cigarette than on listening to Hakkai's lectures.

Hakkai sighed and went back to his driving. Truth be told, there was a lot more he had to say, but he could tell that this was a bad time. He wasn't about to push his luck. Still, there were so many things on his mind, the state of Sanzo's health first and foremost. Although, he wasn't certain whether he ought to be more concerned about the monk's mental or physical well-being. Considering the fact that Sanzo had returned to them in fair condition, he could assume that Rikudo was no longer a threat to anyone. He was curious to know what had happened in the woods, but knew that asking about it would only serve to annoy his companion.

A part of him also wondered about the relationship that Sanzo once had with the monk named Shuei. After all the speculation that had been going on while he was away, it would be good to have a more definitive answer to all the questions floating around in his head. This was also something that he knew would have to wait until Sanzo was in a better mood. That is, if he really wanted any answers at all. He really didn't mean to chastise Sanzo for running off the way he did, he knew that the experience of Sanzo had to go through was probably difficult enough. However, he also wanted Sanzo to know that it wasn't okay to just go running off like that.

Sanzo sat there quietly smoking his cigarette and trying to get the drowsiness out of his head. Part of him wanted to go back to sleep, but he didn't want to be asleep all day. He had plenty of rest for the time being, and he knew he'd get more later. So he gazed absently at the landscape, noticing how the things that were close to them flashed by so rapidly while the horizon was so far in the distance that it didn't seem to be affected. Like the immovable outline of the horizon, he was still alive and on his journey to the west. Like the many patches of grass and brush passing by the jeep, Shuei had already come and gone from this world. Of all the thoughts that occupied Sanzo's mind, the most prominent one was: _What a waste._

Looking back on the past, the way he remembered Shuei was so different. He was a respectable man at one point. Perhaps not strong, not nearly as strong as Sanzo's younger self might have supposed back then. However, he was extremely talented, and more sensible than any of the monks who stayed at the temple. You could say that he was a man who had potential, and it was a shame to see that potential go to waste. Part of Sanzo felt angry and bitter that Shuei had been weak enough to allow the talisman to take control of him, but in reality, he was disappointed. The anger and bitterness he had felt only stemmed from this disappointment and frustration.

_How could Shuei allow this to happen? _He wondered, thinking back to something he had said back in the forest: _My mistake for thinking you were able to take care of yourself. _At that moment, he had wanted nothing more than to take this talisman-possessed creature out for being weak enough to succumb to the talisman's power. It was only when the beads broke and that the last traces of Shuei were fading that he realized how tragic the whole situation was. The sound of his old name on the dying man's lips confirmed what he already knew to be true. When he aimed his gun at the monster's forehead and pulled the trigger, he knew that his friend Shuei was finally free. The thanks that came from his last dying breath was proof enough of that.

Still, Sanzo couldn't help but feel uncomfortable with the whole situation. With Shuei gone, he felt as thought he's lost a bit of his past, not that he was terribly intent on keeping it around anyway. He sighed deeply, breathing in a bit of clean air as his current cigarette burned down to the filter. He had been chain smoking ever since he woke up. He wasn't sure how long he'd been sitting there thinking, but the pack was definitely a lot less crowded. He hoped that Hakkai didn't notice, since he wasn't in the mood for another lecture. He wasn't really done yet either, so he put the cigarette out and drew another one from the pack. "Both of those two idiots are asleep, huh? This is so boring."

"I thought that you weren't in the mood to talk." Hakkai replied.

"I wasn't." Sanzo explained, fishing the lighter out of his robes and using it to light his smoke. "Well, it's not like there's a newspaper to read here or anything."

"That's very true." Hakkai said, with a bit of a chuckle. It was funny how Sanzo couldn't even admit that he wanted to have a conversation with him without making it sound like some kind of complaint instead. "Well, I'm going to take that comment as meaning that your health is improving. That really was my biggest concern."

"You don't say." Sanzo said, the emotionless tone in his voice clearly portraying his annoyance with everyone's concern over his health.

Hakkai's voice turned from cheerfully apologetic to a tone that was more somber and concerned. "So, I take it that... Rikudo the talisman-user isn't something that anyone around here will have to worry about anymore."

"You could say that."

"If you don't mind me asking, Sanzo..." Hakkai trailed off, wondering if it really was okay to mention something like this.

"What?" Sanzo asked, annoyed with the dramatic pause.

"What was he to you?" Hakkai wondered out loud. He could tell that Sanzo was perturbed by the whole event. From the moment the talisman-user had shown up until now. He could only guess at what Sanzo was currently feeling, but judging by his eager consumption of tobacco, it wasn't anything good.

Sanzo was quiet for a long time, not knowing what to say, not certain he even wanted to talk about it in the first place. If it were anyone but Hakkai, he probably would've told them it was none of their business. In fact, he had half a mind to say so now, but he decided that after all that he'd put Hakkai through the last few days, the least he could do was humor him this once.

"Well, I guess it doesn't really matter now." He began. In the grand scheme of things, it really didn't. It wasn't worth making a big fuss over. "Shuei was a master at the Kinzan temple where Koumyou Sanzo and I stayed. He was known for his skill with talismans, and he was also a more reasonable person than the monks who stayed there."

"These monks were unreasonable?" Hakkai asked.

"To be more accurate, they were jealous. They were all envious of the thirteen-year-old boy who was beating them in all of our daily exercises. They were always saying things behind my back. Shuei was the only one sensible enough to see through their petty jealousy... aside from Master Sanzo. Whenever Shuei caught them saying those things, he would make them shut up and go clean the grounds. I guess his level-headed attitude was the reason I considered him a friend, even though his altruism seemed... a bit excessive at times."

"I see. So, he stood up for you when others tried to put you down?"

"He didn't just stand up for me, he believed in me... I guess you could say that he even admired me a little. Although I didn't really understand why. Come to think of it, he was always looking at me with this strange expression on his face, like he wanted something from me. That's why I gave him the beads. I thought that maybe if I gave him something like that, he wouldn't feel like he needed to compliment me so much anymore. I wasn't sure what he really wanted."

"Oh, really? What do you think he...?" Hakkai trailed off when he saw Sanzo's expression change, a shocked gasp came gurgling out of his throat. "Sanzo, is something wrong?"

"I was just remembering..." Sanzo began, stalling in order to find the right words to express the memory that had just brought him to a startling realization. "There was one night when I was sitting in my room by the window and Shuei came in to say that Master Sanzo wanted to see me. It was a full moon outside, and he said something about my hair and my eyes that sounded..."

"Yes?"

"It almost sounded like... he was attracted to me."

"Oh, my... sexual harassment!"

"Shut up, Hakkai." Sanzo said, then he groaned in frustration and took another hit of his cigarette. "It's not like I was really aware of something like that back then."

"I should say." Hakkai agreed. "After all, you're barely aware of that sort of thing now."

"Tch... I'm aware enough to shoot at anybody who tries it."

"Is that why you shoot at Gojyo so much?"

"What?" Sanzo asked, surprised by the abrupt bluntness of the comment. He was embarrassed, and that also made him angry. "Hakkai... you piss me off."

Hakkai was having a good chuckle, so good that he was barely able to keep his grip on the steering wheel. "You know... yesterday Gojyo was trying to convince me that you were attracted to men! Ha ha ha ha!"

"He would say something like that." Sanzo replied in his annoyed tone of voice. "He wants me to be gay so that he can get into my pants."

"That's... so...." Thinking about the whole situation, how Sanzo was too embarrassed to even admit that anyone else was interested in him. To even so much as think that Sanzo would be interested in anyone else was hilarious. Hakkai couldn't help but collapse into an uncontrollable fit of laughter. "Ha ha ha, HA HA HA!"

"YOU WANNA WATCH THE ROAD, HAKKAI!?" Sanzo yelled. They were swerving around everywhere, if Hakkai didn't regain control of himself he was sure they were going to crash into something. Luckily, Hakkai slammed on the breaks, so they came to a short, screeching stop.

Sanzo was almost thrown clear out of the jeep, but Hakkai was still rolling with laughter. "HA HA HA HAHAHA!"

"Stop it! Hakkai... get ahold of yourself! YOU'LL WAKE THE IDIOTS!!!"

"Ah, what's all the ruckus about?" Gojyo asked, yawning and stretching as he sat up.

"Damn it." Sanzo cursed.

"MWAHAHAHAHA!" Hakkai continued laughing. His body was shaking so hard that his sides were starting to get sore.

"Hey... what's so funny, Hakkai?" Gojyo demanded.

Hakkai momentarily paused his laughing fit to give him an aswer. "Actually- HA HA!- I'm laughing at you, Gojyo. Ha-ha HAHAHAH!!"

"What? What'd I do that was funny? Did I say something in my sleep?"

"Oh yeah..." Sanzo answered, seeing an opportunity to pick on Gojyo. "You were talking about all the things you do in your bed with the pretty ladies."

"Wha-!?" Gojyo's jaw dropped. Then Sanzo started snickering and he realized that it was a prank. "Hey! That's not funny, damn it!"

Seeing Gojyo so angry made Sanzo burst into full-blown laughter right along with his buddy in the front seat.

"Ha-ha HA HA! He got you really good, Gojyo!" Hakkai cut in.

"Wha- d-damn it!" Gojyo said, standing there speechless for a moment while they both laughed at him.

"HA HA HAHA- AAAHH!" Sanzo cried, feeling a sharp pain in his side. His laughter had re-opened the wound and blood was starting to soak into his robes. Hearing him cry out in pain shocked Hakkai out of his laughing fit.

"Sanzo... are you alright?" He pulled himself up to look at the wound. Finding blood all over Sanzo's clothes, he quickly moved his hand over to start healing it. "You really should be more careful."

"WHY WON'T SOMEBODY TELL ME WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE!?" Gojyo angrily demanded, standing up in the back.

"Meat buns." Goku said, grabbing for something in his sleep.

"Not you, ya little monkey!" Gojyo said, stomping on the annoying youngster's head. "I was talking... to those two laughing hyenas in the front!"

"Ow! Ouch! Hey!" Goku said, getting up and rubbing his head. "What was that for?"

"For being yourself, ya little-"

While Gojyo was busy yelling at him, Goku looked down into the front seat. "Hey! What happened to Sanzo?!"

"Oh, it's nothing serious." Hakkai explained. "He just re-opened his wound from the other day by laughing too hard. I'm sure he'll be alright."

"Laughing? What was he laughing about?"

"Actually the both of us were laughing at Gojyo."

"Ya better tell me what the hell was so damn funny!" Gojyo interrupted.

"If you really insist on knowing, then I'll tell you later, Gojyo." Hakkai said, finally taking his hands off of Sanzo's body since he'd stopped the bleeding. He paused for a moment to look over at Goku. "This really isn't something that's appropriate for everyone else to hear."

"Oh, right... gotcha." Gojyo agreed, sitting back down in his spot. Sanzo was quietly smoking a cigarette at this point and Hakkai straightened out in the driver's seat and started the jeep again.

"Hey, Hakkai... what's that supposed to mean?" Goku asked.

"It means that it's none of your business, you little monkey!" Gojyo said, shoving his open palm over the top of Goku's head.

"Hey, knock that off you filthy water sprite!"

"I'll give you something to knock on you little moron!"

"Eat my fist, you jerk!"

"SHUT UP!" Sanzo yelled, blasting a bullet into the air. The two quieted down and he shoved his gun back into his robe. "Fuck this, I'm going back to sleep."

They drove on for hours while Sanzo slept. Gojyo and Goku had a few more scuffles in the back, but luckily for them, nothing seemed capable of waking Sanzo from the deep sleep he'd fallen into. _It's just as well, _Hakkai thought, _he really needs to get plenty of rest so that wound can finally heal. _He felt a little bit guilty for starting that laughing fit earlier. It was bad enough that Sanzo had gone off to fight Rikudo alone, he didn't need this kind of careless behavior from his friends. Once they got to the next town, which wasn't much farther, he planned to stay there for a few days so that Sanzo could fully recover. Although he knew that Sanzo probably would not consent to the delay in their journey so readily, there was no sense in continuing to aggravate his wound either.

Hours later they finally arrived at the town and reserved a few rooms at the inn. After that they had a nice big meal at the nearest restaurant. Goku stuffed himself so full that he decided to turn in early. Gojyo was busy gambling at the bar, and although Hakkai and Sanzo enjoyed a good game of cards as much as anyone, they didn't feel comfortable with the company he kept. He was always playing with some low-life or another while two or three girls hovered over him. Not really the kind of action either of those two were interested in, so they stayed at their table at the restaurant a bit longer. Sanzo hadn't talked much through the whole meal, he'd been too busy eating. In fact, Hakkai had never known him to have such an appetite. It was probably just because his wound was still healing and all he'd had to eat that day was a few meat buns.

After he was done, he didn't seem very tired. He simply sat at the table smoking and reading a newspaper he'd picked up while sipping on some tea. It was sort of boring for Hakkai, there wasn't much happening besides the occasional waitress checking in to refill his glass of water. Still, he really didn't mind moments like this. It wasn't often that either of them got a break from both Gojyo and Goku at the same time, at least, not until they went to their rooms. Besides, Hakkai couldn't think of any better place to be. He wasn't about to sit and watch Gojyo flirt with women, and in spite of the long drive, he wasn't really tired enough to turn in yet. "Sanzo... aren't you getting tired?" he asked.

"No." Sanzo said, setting down his newspaper. "I slept too long today, now I can't seem to relax."

"Well, give it a few more hours and I'm sure you'll be tired again. After all, you really ought to get some sleep tonight."

"Hmpf." Sanzo said, burying his face back in his paper. He hated to be told what to do, even if he did agree with the suggestion. He wanted his wound to heal as soon as possible, he couldn't stand having it bleed every time he wanted to do anything. So he tried to read his newspaper for a few minutes, but he couldn't seem to focus on the words. "Hey, Hakkai."

"Yes?"

"Was it really that funny?"

"What?"

"You know, the thing about me and Shuei."

"Oh, that." Hakkai said. "I guess it was a little." He chuckled to himself for a few seconds before noticing the sour look on Sanzo's face. "But, really... what Gojyo said was much funnier. He really thought you were gay. Can you imagine?" He went on to chuckle some more.

"I guess it is kinda funny." Sanzo said, they looked into each other's eyes and then they both started chuckling. "Still..." he trailed off. He wasn't really sure what he wanted to say, but something was still bothering him. As though his question had somehow gone unanswered.

"Yes?" Hakkai prompted, wondering what could be bothering him so much.

"Do I really seem like I'm naïve?"

"I'm not sure what you mean."

"You said that I'm not aware of that sort of thing. Hakkai... do you think that I'm naïve?"

"Oh. No, that wasn't really what I meant. I don't think that it's something that you don't understand. I guess that what I was trying to say was... it's not something you think about very often, is it?"

"True." Sanzo agreed. It was really something he tried to avoid at all costs.

"Anytime someone hits on you, their advances are either ignored or punished by your gun." Hakkai continued. "So it seems to me that the very idea of being in a relationship is troublesome to you."

"That is also true." Sanzo agreed.

"That's why I found what Gojyo said to be so funny. He was implying that you were interested in men, as if you'd ever be able to make a move on anyone." They both started giggling at the thought.

"Gojyo must really have his head up his ass to think that I'd hit on someone." Sanzo said, laughing in spite of himself.

"You should be careful not to laugh too hard." Hakkai said, taking a serious tone to get Sanzo's attention.

"Yeah, yeah... I'm fine." He swatted the concern away. He already knew that he had to be careful.

"Perhaps if you'd stayed in bed, it would've healed better." Hakkai suggested.

"Maybe I should try to go to bed." Sanzo agreed. He still didn't feel tired, but laying down for a bit might change that.

"Alright, I'll ask the waitress for the check." Hakkai said.


	3. Chapter 3 Exploited Secrets

**Exploited Secrets**

Once the meal was paid for the two walked back over to the inn. On their way back they passed by the town's bar, just in time to catch Gojyo being kicked out of it's doors.

"That's what you get for cheating, jackass!" The barkeeper yelled.

"Hey! I already told ya, I wasn't cheatin'!" Gojyo shot back.

"Then what were those aces doing up your sleeve, you dick?" the guy asked, slamming the door before Gojyo could reply.

"Damn... there goes any chances I had of playing another good game of cards tonight." Gojyo said.

"It looks like they caught you up to your old tricks again." Hakkai said.

"Next time, could you at least wait until we've already left this area behind to be kicked out?" Sanzo complained.

"I don't get kicked out of bars according to your schedule, asshole!" Gojyo retaliated.

"Maybe we should just all head back to the inn now." Hakkai suggested. Sanzo had already turned his back on Gojyo and started walking.

"Yeah, well... it's not like I've got anything better to do." Gojyo agreed. They all walked back into the inn and toward their rooms. Sanzo was the first to get into his, but Gojyo stopped at his door and said, "Hey, Hakkai... now that Goku's asleep, do you mind telling me what you guys were laughing about today?"

"Oh, right. I almost forgot." Hakkai replied. "We should probably go downstairs so that we don't keep anyone awake."

"Or wake anyone up." Gojyo added, glancing over at the monkey's room. Hakkai had already started walking to the stairs, so Gojyo followed him down. They went out to the reception area and sat down in a few chairs, looking out the windows in the front of the building. "So... you said this was about me, right?" Gojyo asked.

"Right." Hakkai replied, a bit of a chuckle on his lips. "Well, it involves you. You do remember what you said to me this morning, don't you? About Sanzo being attracted to men?"

"Yeah... what's so funny about that?"

"Well, while you and Goku were asleep Sanzo was telling me about Rikudo... or rather, Shuei, the monk he used to know before he became possessed by that talisman."

"...and...?" Gojyo prompted.

"As it turns out, Shuei seems to have had an interest in Sanzo."

"Yer shittin' me. An' here I thought it was the other way around."

"Oh, it gets better. You should've seen the look on his face, Gojyo.... He was telling about this comment that Shuei made about his hair and his eyes, and the expression on his face was just so strained with embarrassment..." Hakkai couldn't help but chuckle just thinking about it. "I swear, if he were any more embarrassed I think he would've blushed!"

"AH-HA HA HA HA HAHA!" Gojyo burst out laughing. "Sanzo, our corrupt priest, blushing like a pretty little virgin!? BWAHAHAHAHAH!"

"Yes- HA-HA- it's just... ha HAHA- HYSTERICAL!" Hakkai agreed, laughing his head off. The two of them laughed so hard they nearly fell off their chairs.

"I think... BWAHAHA!- I would actually PAY- HAHAHA!- to see that!" Gojyo said, struggling to talk through his laughter.

"You- HAHAHA- you were just- haha- so wrong, Gojyo!" Hakkai added.

"I dunno... HE HEHE... Hey- hehe- ya think- he haha- maybe we should check to see if Shuei popped his cherry or not?"

"GOJYO! Ha HAHA! That was... HAHA- in incredibly bad taste! He he hehe!"

"But you're still- hehe- laughin' at it- HAHAHA- aren't ya? HEHEhe."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Their laughter was pierced by the resounding bang of Sanzo's banishing gun while two bullets went whizzing past Gojyo's head. "Damn it, I was about to fall asleep when the peace was shattered by your ungainly guffaws, you lecherous kappa!"

"Man, he's fucking pissed." Gojyo said. "You don't think he heard what we were saying, do ya?"

"I'm... not really sure." Hakkai replied.

"What the hell did you tell him, Hakkai?" Sanzo demanded.

"Oh, it's- um... nothing we haven't already talked about today, Sanzo."

"That's what I was afraid of." he said, lowering his head and speaking in a low-pitched grumble that betrayed his anger. "Are you two quite finished?"

"Sure." Hakkai answered. "We're pretty much done talking, right Gojyo?"

"Yeah, we're going to bed here real soon, promise."

Sanzo turned his back on the two and lowered his gun. He took a few steps down the hall and then stopped, turning his head to the side. "Not the same bed, I hope." Hakkai and Gojyo were both so startled that they were rendered speechless at the comment. They looked at each other in complete disbelief. How could he have known? They had always been so careful to hide it. "It's so quiet all of a sudden, imagine that." Sanzo said, stuffing the gun back into his robe as he walked out of the room and started climbing the stairs.

"You bastard!" Gojyo yelled, getting up to go after the monk.

"Gojyo, let it go." Hakkai pleaded, placing one hand over Gojyo's belly to restrain him. "Now is really not the time or the place."

"That fucking monk." Gojyo cursed, frustrated that he wasn't able to vent. "You see, Hakkai? This is why I want nothing to do with that obnoxious prick!"

"Because having an obnoxious prick in your bed would be horrible, right?" Hakkai countered, laughing at the little joke. Gojyo stared in disbelief for a moment and then started laughing along with him.

"SHUT UP!" Sanzo yelled, firing his gun in their general direction. A bullet pierced the wooden floor just a few inches from Gojyo's feet.

"I think we really should go to bed now." Hakkai said.

"Hey, since the bald monk made such a nice suggestion..." Gojyo began, moving one hand behind him to grab Hakkai's ass, "why don't we go ahead and take his advice?"

"I'm really not in the mood right now, Gojyo." Hakkai replied, using his arm as leverage to get Gojyo's hand off of him.

"Aw, come on!"

"I'm actually very tired." Hakkai said. He turned around to look at Gojyo for a moment with that fake smile on his face, the one that meant that he was clearly getting pissed. Then he turned back around and started heading for the stairs.

"You suck, Hakkai."

"That is true." Hakkai admitted, stopping for a moment. He turned his head to the side and glanced in Gojyo's direction. "But you really aren't one to talk, because... you enjoy it." He brought one finger up to his mouth and let it linger on his lips and tongue for a moment before he turned around and proceeded up the stairs.

"You fucking prick, teasing me like that." Gojyo muttered to himself. Watching Hakkai put that finger to his mouth made his blood boil and he was all kinds of frustrated. He didn't really understand Hakkai's reason for not wanting it, but he knew better than to push the envelope. _Damn... it looks like it's gonna be Rosy Palms and her five friends tonight._ So he quietly followed Hakkai upstairs and they both went to their separate bedrooms.

Hakkai got undressed and laid down on his bed, but he couldn't seem to shut his eyes for some reason, even though he really was very tired. Gojyo wasn't sharp enough to catch it, but to someone like Sanzo it would've been obvious that Hakkai's shallow jokes and easy laughter were a sure sign of fatigue. In truth, he would've been happy to accompany Gojyo to his room regardless of being tired, but after what Sanzo had said he was certain that he would've been unable to focus. Gojyo might not have even noticed, but Hakkai knew that he just wouldn't be comfortable doing something like that after hearing the comment that Sanzo made. _I'm sorry Gojyo, I guess I really am a selfish prude sometimes. _

Although he felt bad about letting Gojyo down, he couldn't help but wonder about the accusation Sanzo had made. There was no mistaking that it was an accusation, even though he made it sound like it was only a barb designed to get under their skin. Hakkai couldn't help but wonder if Sanzo really knew what was going on between himself and Gojyo, or if he only suspected that something was happening. Hakkai and Gojyo always took great care to wash up afterward, to go back to their own beds, to make it appear as though nothing suspicious had happened.

Still, Sanzo was pretty perceptive, and Hakkai knew that he couldn't really hide his relationship with Gojyo from him forever. It wasn't that Hakkai wanted to hide it or was afraid to mention it, he was pretty sure that Sanzo wouldn't care. However, it was an awkward thing to talk about and Hakkai just hadn't gotten around to telling him yet. He knew that it was something that he'd have to address quickly, now that Sanzo had brought it up. Whether Sanzo knew that something was going on or not, after making a comment like that, Hakkai couldn't just let the matter drop. He had to know what was going through Sanzo's mind, besides his own vindictive conceit.

So, Hakkai decided that he'd bring it up the next chance he got to talk with Sanzo alone. Hopefully sometime tomorrow. He took a deep sigh and closed his eyes, and then he heard the sound of a door quietly shutting across the hall. _That sounded like it came from Sanzo's room. _He thought, dragging himself out of bed. _I really hope he doesn't have any bad feelings because of what Gojyo and I were saying earlier. _Normally, Hakkai wouldn't be so worried, but they had said some careless things. Also, there was Sanzo's health to consider. His wound still hadn't healed, and if his mental state was suffering then there was no reason to think that his physical health wouldn't suffer along with it.

Hakkai put his clothes back on and then walked to the door, listening for any footsteps down the hall, he heard nothing. He opened the door and the hallway was empty, so he walked to the end of the hall, down the staircase, and when he got into the large room at the bottom he could see cigarette smoke rising from underneath one of the windows. He walked across the room, went through the door, and Sanzo was there, sitting on the edge of the porch and smoking. He had an expression on his face that was as tired and worn as it was angry. His eyes drooped more than usual and there were bags sagging down underneath them. His jaw was held firm and tense, his lips pursed in annoyance, and his eyebrows were lowered in anger.

Hakkai stood there for several minutes and no one said a word. After enduring Sanzo's silence, he sat down next to him on the porch. "I'm sorry you weren't able to get to sleep." he said. Sanzo stared lifelessly out into the night, as though he were paralyzed. If it weren't for the subtle infrequent movement of his eyelids shutting and opening again, Hakkai would've mistaken him for a statue. _You really take the term austere to a whole new level. _Hakkai thought to himself. "If you're angry about what was said today, then you should be angry with me. It's my fault, not Gojyo's. I brought the whole thing up in the first place."

Sanzo sighed, exhaling smoke. He took another hit of his cigarette, trying to clear his exhausted mind enough to make some kind of coherent reply. "I've been mocked for a lot of different things, but I never expected anyone to laugh at me because I haven't given in to a wanton desire for carnal gratification. Or, rather... I would never have expected that from, you Hakkai."

"So, you really are..." Hakkai trailed off, finishing the sentence in his mind. ..._a virgin? I can't believe it._ It was something he'd always wondered, but never really had the audacity to ask. Although Sanzo was just about as anti-social as they come, he wouldn't have expected that level of purity from someone who worked as hard to defy the illusions of virtue as Sanzo did.

"You thought I wasn't?"

"No. I just, um.... I really wasn't sure what to think. I wouldn't be so presumptuous as to assume that something like that was true."

"I see." Sanzo said. His voice was expressionlessly numb, but still tinged with anger.

"I guess it was pretty careless of me." Hakkai admitted, referring to the earlier conversation. "Although I never meant to offend you in any way, I knew how Gojyo would react. I guess that I shouldn't have assumed that you wouldn't be around to hear it."

"Shit, now I'll never hear the end of it." Sanzo grumbled.

"I don't think Gojyo will bring it up." Hakkai said. "At least, not the way you seem to think he will. He won't use it as a taunt. He's really not like that."

"I guess you know him well enough to say that, don't you?"

"Sanzo... what's that supposed to mean?" Hakkai asked, blushing a little bit in spite of himself. The matter was delicate to him, and Sanzo was being inconsiderately blunt about it. Not that Hakkai expected to be treated any differently.

"Don't ask stupid questions." the monk replied, taking another hit of his cigarette. _You already know what it means. _

"How long have you known?"

"Ever since the first moment I caught you in his apartment."

"But, at that point we really weren't...."

"Maybe not, but you had a bond with him before I ever showed up, right? He was already attached to you, and even after putting away your old life you decided to stay with him. From that point on I figured it was only a matter of time. You were both... two very lonely people, weren't you?"

"Sanzo...." Hakkai said, blushing again. It was true... and to hear that truth so being so meticulously exploited in his ears made him feel petty and weak. _Do you think so little of me? _He wondered.

"Besides, sometimes when we have to share a room and you walk in during the middle of the night, and you think I'm asleep, I can smell him on you."

"Oh, dear... and I'm always so careful to wash off afterwards."

"You can't wash off kappa stench."

"I see." Hakkai replied, laughing nervously because he was so embarrassed. "Ha ha ha."

"What I don't understand is..." Sanzo trailed off, trying to think of the right words to express the lingering question in his mind. His brain was clouded with fatigue and he couldn't think of anything to say.

"Yes?" Hakkai prompted, after Sanzo had been silent for considerably longer than usual.

"Why HIM?" Sanzo finally asked. "How can you stand risking all your thoughts and affections on a thick-headed water sprite who can't even keep his dick in his pants!?"

"Oh, my... that's quite the accusation." Hakkai said, giggling a bit at Sanzo's apparent frustration. "You wouldn't be jealous by any chance?"

"Do you wanna die!?" Sanzo threatened, with a look on his face that was so angry that Hakkai could see almost see the veins popping out of his forehead.

"I know that you don't have any respect for Gojyo, especially in light of all the insults you've both been throwing at each other lately, but..." Hakkai paused for a moment, thinking out carefully the words to convey his meaning. "...aside from his obvious lechery and self-indulgent nature, Gojyo is actually a very caring and selfless individual, once you get to know him."

"I don't wanna get to know him any better than I already do." Sanzo stubbornly insisted. "The very idea of him touching me with those groping mitts of his is enough to make my skin crawl."

"Sometimes I think that you two are like a backwards fatal attraction." Hakkai gibed.

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I'm not really sure you would want to know."

"Are you -trying- to piss me off!?"

"Alright, it's nothing to get so worked up about." Hakkai explained. "It's an affair in which one person is rejected by the person they're attracted to, but then that person turns vengeful and goes on a murderous rampage. I said that you two were like a backwards fatal attraction because you are so angry that Gojyo is attracted to you in the first place, that you're the one who's much more likely to become violent as a result."

"Killing an idiot like him would be way too easy." Sanzo said, as a means of making an excuse for the reason he hadn't done so yet. Hakkai laughed nervously at the comment. "Still, as high an opinion as you have of Gojyo..." Sanzo continued, pausing for a moment in an effort to make what he was about to say sound a little bit less harsh. "...isn't he still sleeping around with just about any woman he can get his hands on? Are you really okay with that?"

Hakkai sighed and smiled, this was a smile that said that Sanzo's words really got to him. They pierced him like a knife straight through the heart, forcing him to stop and gather his composure before he could reply. "To tell you the truth, no. I'm really not okay with that." he explained in a meek and broken tone. "Even though we agreed that our relationship was not going to be mutually inclusive, and I really don't have any reason to complain... I have to admit that, every time I see him with one of those women, it hurts." Hakkai stopped there, he couldn't really say any more than that. He felt so betrayed, thinking about all the women who'd shared Gojyo's bed ever since the two of had become a little more then friends. He hated having to share him with anyone, but at the same time, he also hated himself.

After all, Hakkai had agreed to this arrangement. He and Gojyo had talked it out and decided that this was the way things were going to be. Both of them were free to be with whoever else they wanted. However, Gojyo seemed much more eager to indulge in that privilege then Hakkai had ever been. He knew that nothing he could do would ever change the way Gojyo was, and yet he still fell to jealousy in spite of his own resolve not to do so. He felt so weak, guilty, and ashamed of himself. He had been putting so much effort into trying to ignore it and deny it, even putting on an act like as though it wasn't affecting him. It worked on Gojyo, but he didn't seem to be able to fool Sanzo. No, he didn't suppose that he could ever pull the wool over the monk's eyes so easily.

"You knew what he was like before you decided to do this." Sanzo insisted, forcing Hakkai to face the truth. "So I'll ask you again, why did you consent to it?"

"Why?" Hakkai repeated, lost in a whirlwind of emotions. To answer the question, he had to look past all of the things that had been happening lately and think back on their past. "I guess from the first moment he found me laying on the ground in the rain, when he kneeled down and looked into my eyes, there was something there." Back when it happened, Hakkai had looked at him with a desperate gaze that said that he wanted to die. At the same time, his eyes mocked Gojyo for showing any concern for his life. That look that vehemently wished for death, it turned out, was something that Gojyo recognized all too well. A look that he once had in his own eyes. However, it wasn't until later that Hakkai found out the reason his friend was so familiar with that look.

"He took me into his home and spent most of his time caring for me. I appreciated it back then, but I never really knew how much he sacrificed until after I moved in with him." To spend a month caring for an injured man would be a lot to ask of anyone, but even more so for Gojyo. _He's constantly smoking, gambling, and flirting with women, _Hakkai thought. "In addition to the kindness he showed in saving me, can you imagine the self-restraint it would take for him to give up all of this nights at the bar?" he asked. It made obvious the fact that Gojyo wouldn't go to all of that trouble for just anyone. "He didn't even smoke inside until I'd regained consciousness. That took a week!"

Sanzo wouldn't have believed that the water sprite had that much restraint in him. Still, he was certain that Gojyo had his own personal reasons for saving Hakkai. However, he thought better of actually saying something like that right now, while Hakkai was feeling so vulnerable. At any rate, he was too tired to make his usual angry, self-absorbed quips.

"After I'd recovered enough to get out of bed one night, I told him about Kanan and he told me what had happened with his mother. I guess that was when our bond first started to form, while we were both just sitting around blaming ourselves for our own losses." _After all, we both knew what it was like to lose someone._ "It was the memory of that night that made me decide to go stay with him, but it wasn't until after I moved in that things became... well, different." Hakkai paused for a minute. He was anxious about talking of this so openly, even though he did trust Sanzo to understand what he said. "After staying with him for a couple months, I had this horrible nightmare. I woke up screaming and crying over Kanan. Then Gojyo got up and slipped into my bed, and held me in his arms until I stopped crying."

_It was there, crying in his arms, that I first began to notice the musky smell of his body and how wonderful it felt to have his skin so close to mine. _Hakkai thought. He wouldn't put this part of the memory into words, not unless he wanted to be threatened and yelled at. _So I wrapped an arm around him, and pressed his chest to mine. Then he asked me if it would be alright if he kissed me, and I said it was fine. _Hakkai would never forget the way it felt that night, losing the aching pain and self-doubt of that loss in the heat of each other's bodies. "After that night, everything changed."

Hakkai stared off into the night for a moment, reminiscing about it. Then he turned over to Sanzo, who he expected to be watching him intently. Instead, the monk was also staring off into the distance. He had that beaten, worn-out, absolutely exhausted look on his face... but for a moment, Hakkai thought that he also saw loneliness in those droopy violet eyes. "Sanzo, is something wrong?"

"I'm burnt out." he replied, stiffly. He wouldn't admit it even to himself, but for a moment he had wondered what it would be like, just to be held by someone.

"I'm sorry for keeping you up." Hakkai said, feeling guilty for dragging the conversation on for so long.

"You're not keeping me anywhere." Sanzo replied. "I'm the one who asked, remember?"

"Right." Hakkai said, sheepishly. "Well, since we're both getting pretty tired, I think it's about time we-" He started to get up and head for the door, but the monk grabbed ahold of his wrist and pulled him back down to the floor.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"Is there something else you wanted to talk about?" Hakkai asked, feeling rather perplexed.

"It's just...." For a moment, Sanzo thought better of what he was about to say. It was something very personal, and he wasn't usually the type to pry into someone else's life. However, if he didn't ask about it now he knew that he'd be turning it over in his head for days, maybe even weeks. Something so trivial really wasn't worth all that effort, not when a simple answer would only take a few minutes of both of their time. "Perhaps I'm mistaken, but... back then you seemed like the kind of man who valued loyalty. Wasn't it your goal to settle down and live with just the one person you loved? Or... did those dreams die back when she did?"

Hakkai's mouth fell open. He was stunned, shocked, rendered speechless by that question. _Kanan.... _Her name, and all the memories that went with it, came flooding into his mind. It was true that back when he was with her, he wanted nothing else. No other way of living was more precious to him than to settle down and be with her, as a family, regardless of whether they could ever have any children or not. His dream... so easily shattered when he came home to a scene of scattered clothing and overturned furniture. The townspeople were all such worthless cowards, defending the sacrifice of someone so precious, and defenseless.

Yes, he went out in pursuit of his revenge. He wouldn't let anything come between himself and his mission to save her. He had promised to protect her. Not even an army of a thousand demons would stand in the way of rescuing his love. He slaughtered them all, without mercy. Guilty and innocent alike. To him, there were no innocents. Not among the monsters who had conspired to take his love, or even those who simply complied out of an obligation to a more powerful entity. In the end, they were all the same. All died by his hand. All for nothing.

He wasn't sure when he'd started crying, but tears were now streaming down his face. No matter how many times he tried to wipe them away, his face was still dripping with anguish. Every time his mind went back to that place and saw her standing in that cell. Every time he heard her talk about the monster growing inside her, and saw her clutching that dagger to her chest. Every time he watched her drive it into her heart, he felt like he was the one who was dying inside. _Please, kill me. _As he hid his face inside his hands, and sobbed into his palms, he felt a hand gently resting on his shoulder.

Sanzo didn't know what sort of reaction he had expected from Hakkai, but he hadn't expected this. In retrospect he was a fool, he should've seen it coming a mile away. _When did I become such an idiot? _He asked himself. "Hakkai...." he said. The word went unheeded.Whatever Hakkai was thinking about, he obviously couldn't hear Sanzo now. He was gone, lost in the bitter torture of his past, reliving the horror of watching his lover die over and over again in his head. His voice was warped with anguish, and tears poured down his cheeks in rivulets. His hands were contorted around his face, in a futile effort to hide his grief. Sanzo stared helplessly at first, wondering, _What have I done? _Then he gently laid one hand on Hakkai's shoulder. That was about as much of a comforting gesture as he could bring himself to make.

"You're right-" Hakkai managed, between sniffles. "Everything you said was true."

"Hakkai."

"She is dead... and with her, everything I ever cared for is-!"

"Pull yourself together!" Sanzo commanded.

"Right." Hakkai said. Still sobbing uncontrollably, he pulled his face out of his hands and sat up straight, then he leaned back against the wall. Slowly his quivering throat began to still, his vocal chords ceased their guilt-ridden tune, and the stream flowing from underneath his eyes finally stopped running.

"Hakkai?"

"Yes?"

"Forget I said anything." Sanzo said, getting up and walking to the door. He was stopped short by a tug on his sleeve.

"But, Sanzo..." Hakkai protested.

Sanzo looked down into those verdant eyes, with such a turbulent yearning expression in them. For a minute he thought that if he made the slightest movement to release his robe from the young yokai's hand, then something inside of Hakkai would break. Instead, he knelt down beside his friend, used one hand to lift his tear-stained face, then he looked straight into that haunted gaze and said: "None of your tears will bring her back."

Hakkai collapsed into Sanzo's chest, with tears flowing from his eyes all over again. His hands clung to the priest's robe and his cheek rested on the smooth white fabric, dampening it with moisture. Sanzo put one hand on Hakkai's head, and silently held him while he cried.


	4. Chapter 4 Forgiveness

**Forgiveness**

_That's right, Hakkai... _Sanzo thought, _just let it all out. _After all, he knew what it was like to experience the crushing force of loss. Losing the one person who meant everything to you in life, the one on which you based all of your hopes and aspirations, it had a way of leaving anyone completely and utterly devastated. Sanzo briefly wondered if he had wanted a shoulder to cry on all those years ago, when demons had entered the temple and taken the life of his master. Shuei might have been that shoulder, but he had the duty of informing the others about the incident, and even back then, young Genjyo Sanzo was too stubborn and willful to ask anyone else for comfort.

In a way, he envied Hakkai, who was able to express all of the same emotions that he had held inside of himself so deeply, and for so long. It had been ten years for him, only three for Hakkai. He tried to convince himself that was the only difference, but he knew better. Even now, he was afraid to express sorrow over his own loss. Somehow, he still felt that if he did, it would show him to be weak. So he held Hakkai quietly, without a word about his own tormented past. Not so much as a painful sigh or a single tear betrayed what he was really feeling. He stayed there comforting his friend, without so much as a request for help with his own pain.

Eventually Hakkai's tears dried up, and his chest stopped heaving. The two of them separated and stood on their feet, Sanzo pulling a cigarette out of his pack and then giving himself a light. Hakkai stood there, thinking about Kanan. Losing her had made him feel so frail and powerless, and yet it was true that none of his feelings of guilt and loss could ever make up for what had happened in the past. It was a strange way Sanzo had of comforting someone with a hard truth, but at the same time it was remarkably effective. Now that he thought about it, he didn't feel sad enough to cry anymore."I'm sorry." Hakkai said. "I guess I let my emotions get away from me there for awhile."

Considering the peeved look on Sanzo's face, he felt as though he'd been a huge inconvenience. Admittedly, he was pretty embarrassed at his own behavior."You have nothing to apologize for." Sanzo insisted. _After all, I'm the one who was being an ass._

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said. Even after the long drawn-out emotional fit he'd put Sanzo through, he was still gracious enough to spare Hakkai's feelings. "...thank you." He really wondered, from time to time, what he had ever done to deserve such consideration. Especially coming from someone who was usually so opposed to showing any kind of compassion toward anyone at all. He didn't think he'd ever seen Sanzo hold anyone in his arms like that, except perhaps son Goku, just once.

Hakkai felt like a little child, comparing himself to the optimistic, yet absent-minded youth. The two of them did share some similarities. Sanzo had saved both of them after all. Thinking back on the day they met, kneeling down by the ashes that were all that remained of his lover, and the castle where he had left her body, it was almost like he could still hear the reassuring tone of that calm, clear voice. Although he wasn't prone to such romantic notions, he had to admit to himself that Sanzo was also his sun. Like the golden light rising over the barrier of the earth, the sound of his voice warmed him, heart and soul, obliterating any darkness or doubt.

Looking up at the soaked splotches on the monk's robe, Hakkai realized that he'd done it again. Just like he did every time Hakkai felt weak, stricken with grief, or helpless. Sanzo was there to bring him back from the precipice of despair. There were times when he felt like all the "thanks you's" in the world would never be enough to repay this constant kindness.

"Will you stop already?" The monk grumbled, replying to the last thing Hakkai had said. "I can't stand that apologetic tone of yours." _You don't have to thank me for anything. _They stood there silently for a moment. Sanzo was waiting for Hakkai to say something, but Hakkai kept quiet because the only thing he could think of to say would be more remarks of gratitude, which was something that he already knew Sanzo didn't want to hear. Finally, after several minutes of silence, Sanzo said, "We should probably get some rest now." It was an adequate note to end the evening on. After all, he did get the chance to feel what it was like to hold someone. Although that specific situation wasn't really what he had in mind, it was probably better that way. He didn't think that he could ever bring himself to cry in anyone else's arms anyway.

"Alright." Hakkai said, glad that Sanzo was finally starting to sound sensible. They both walked back inside, straight across the entryway, and up the stairs. It was only when he was headed toward his bedroom door that Hakkai stopped to mention the one last thing nagging at him. "Hey, Sanzo...."

Sanzo paused in the middle of the door way looking pretty irritated. "What?"

"Does it really bother you that much that Gojyo and I are..." he stopped and held up his pinky, a hand motion that indicated a lover, "...you know."

"Tch... quit acting like I care so much." Sanzo replied, annoyed by the last-minute question. "I don't give a damn about what you two do behind closed doors, as long as I don't have to hear about it!"

"Right." Hakkai replied, chuckling at the other man's crotchety attitude. He was about to head back into his room when he heard that deep, irritated voice again.

"Hey, Hakkai."

"Yes?" he asked, looking over his shoulder at the blond across the hall.

"It's a good idea if you guys continue to lay low, because if that stupid monkey ever finds out about this... then, I'm afraid I'm going to have to kill you both."

"Of course. Ha ha ha." Hakkai replied cheerfully. "That's certainly something that I wouldn't want Goku to know about, especially at his age... although, he does look like he's about eighteen come to think of it."

"His physical age doesn't matter." Sanzo insisted. "He's not mentally mature enough to understand something like that."

"I whole-heartedly concur with your assessment." Hakkai agreed.

"Good night, Hakkai." A forceful tone in his voice suggested that Hakkai not ask anymore questions and go strait to bed.

"Good night, Sanzo." Hakkai replied cheerfully. He finally made it into his room and when he heard the door shut across the hall, he knew that Sanzo had made it into his. He got undressed for the second time that night, and as he laid down on his bed he wondered: If Sanzo really didn't care about what he was doing with Gojyo, then why had he asked all those questions earlier? Thinking back on on it, he realized that they were mostly questions about him, and not so much about Gojyo. _You really were concerned for my well-being, weren't you Sanzo? _Hakkai smiled to himself. It was a nice thought, even though he knew that the monk would never admit to it.

The next morning they all met in the hotel's front office and made their way back to the restaurant for breakfast. In spite of the fact that they ordered enough food to sustain a small army, it was all gone in no time, at which point Gojyo and Goku argued over the last morsel of food.

"It's mine!" Goku started.

"No idiot, it's mine!" The kappa returned.

"I saw it first!"

"But it was on my plate!"

"Everyone is so lively today!" Hakkai commented.

"Lively my ass, they're annoying as hell!" Sanzo said. Hakkai took the comment in stride, although he was surprised that the monk hadn't started firing his gun yet. As difficult as it was to ignore the obnoxious sounds of their argument, Sanzo thought he'd take advantage of the moment to ask a question that had crept into his mind since the other night. "Hey, Hakkai...."

"Yes?" Hakkai asked, wondering what would be interesting enough to keep Sanzo's mind off of the battle unfolding before them.

"You've been with Gojyo ever since just a few months after we all met, right?"

_You want to talk about this now? _Hakkai thought, looking over at the Gojyo, who was shoving his hand in Goku's face while the monkey pulled his hair. _I guess it's as good a time as any. _"Yes, that's right. It was actually about two and a half months since I moved in with him, which brings it up to about two years, nine months, and fifteen days since we first started seeing each other."

"Right down to the exact date. Hakkai, you never cease to amaze me." Sanzo said sarcastically.

"Well, I do try." the brunet jokingly replied. Sanzo sighed and glanced over at the idiots fighting on the floor, they really were starting to get annoying. "I'm assuming there was some point to this inquiry?" Hakkai prompted.

"If the women bother you so much, why didn't you mention it sooner? I know that you're a patient man, but it's not like even you to brood that long."

"To be honest, it didn't really bother me when we first started." Hakkai explained. "Back when I agreed to the arrangement, I wanted things to be that way as much as Gojyo did. I thought it would be better than trying to fight it or asking him to settle down with me, and part of me really wanted to be free to explore other options as well." He paused for a moment, noticing the way Gojyo and Goku were wrestling over the floor and shaking his head. "Then I guess, after awhile, our bond grew stronger. I'm getting more attached to him, I think. Maybe I'm becoming a bit selfish too. At first the women were just a slight inconvenience... then it became a little annoying, and now it's to the point where... well, I'm sure it's obvious to you that this has become a major distraction for me. That's the reason you brought it up, isn't it?"

"I don't care what happens to you two, but... when you're in a mood it affects everyone," Sanzo said, watching the two idiots push each other around the room. "whether they realize it or not."

Hakkai sighed and bowed his head, _There you go, putting the weight of the world on me again. _"Aside from the fact that I only recently realized this, I am not guiltless myself. I was flirting with Yaone a couple days ago, and I have to admit that I greatly enjoyed it. There are times when I do still crave female companionship... even if it's not in the same way that Gojyo does. Moreover, even if I wished to give up such occasional flirtations, I would not find it quite so easy to go back on my word. What would you have me do, Sanzo?"

Sanzo laughed quietly to himself. He wasn't really going to be this demanding, but Hakkai had made the mistake of asking him what he wanted. "Talk to him about it... even if it's only to express what you feel. After all, you're not going to ask him to stop."

"You're right, I'm not." Hakkai humbly admitted. "Even though, I very much wish for it at times. Still, I think things are better this way than any other path I might take. Wouldn't you agree?"

"That was a stupid question. Do you really want me to answer it?"

"No, I don't suppose I do. Ah ha ha."

"I'd kill someone before I put up with that level of stupidity." Sanzo said.

"Right." Hakkai agreed, thinking about how foolish he was to let something like this bother him.

"I was talking about Gojyo."

"Oh, I see." With that, they slipped into one of those uncomfortable silences... although, you really couldn't call it a silence with all the racket that was going on between Goku and Gojyo. By this point in time they'd knocked over some dishes, overturned a few tables and chairs, and even managed to leave a few fist-sized indentations in the wooden floor.

"I'm gonna kill them both." Sanzo fumed.

"I suppose I should start ordering the headstones." Hakkai quipped.

"HEY, STUPID MONKEY!" Sanzo stood up and yelled across the room. Goku and Gojyo both paused in the midst of an epic battle to look over at the table. As soon as he had their undivided attention Sanzo picked the last bit of food off of the plate and stuffed it in his mouth, abruptly turning his back to go out for a smoke.

"Hey... THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Goku whined.

"That was my piece of meat, ya bald monk!" Gojyo added.

"Why didn't you hit me with the fan, like you always do!?" Goku demanded.

"My, my... he is in quite a mood." Hakkai said to himself. He got up from the table and walked over to the two, bending over to smile directly at Goku's face. "It's my fault I'm afraid."

"But, Hakkai...!" Goku protested.

"How is it your fault?" Gojyo asked.

"Tell you what, I'll make up for it by buying you a meat bun, okay?"

"Yeah, meat bun!"

"Hey... what about me?" Gojyo said. "That was my piece of pork Sanzo ate off the table!"

"Was not!" Goku argued.

"It's alright, I'll buy enough meat buns for everyone." Hakkai said, hoping that the offer would quell the argument. He really wasn't in the mood to hear it anymore. Luckily the ruse worked, and they were too busy dreaming about meat buns to argue. The three of them headed to the door, walking out past Sanzo who was standing around smoking. "I'm going to go buy them something to replace the food you ate." Hakkai explained.

Sanzo fished the little golden credit card out of his robe and said: "Don't spoil them too much, Hakkai."

"Oh, I'll certainly try not to." Hakkai replied. "Will you be here when we get back?"

"I'm going to go back to my room at the inn, I didn't get nearly enough sleep last night."

"Right, neither did I." Hakkai admitted.

"Shit... I don't think any of us did." Gojyo agreed.

"Speak for yourself!" Goku said. "I got plenty of sleep!"

"Tch... I'll see you idiots later." Sanzo complained, turning and walking toward the inn. Hakkai took the other two out into the marketplace. They grabbed a few meat buns from a street-side vendor and ate them while walking down the street looking at the various shops.

"Hey, Hakkai..." Gojyo said. "Is something bothering you? You seem a bit off."

"Oh, it's nothing really." Hakkai replied.

"Don't gimme that, something's eatin' ya." Gojyo insisted, leaning on Hakkai's shoulder. He knew Hakkai well enough to know when something was going on. "You said something about it being your fault back at the restaurant, and now you're acting all distracted. Did that dirty monk say somethin'?"

"Well..." Hakkai replied, glancing down at Goku who was too busy cramming meat buns down his throat to pay attention to anything they were saying. "It wasn't anything important."

Gojyo seemed to take him at his word at first. He got off Hakkai's shoulder for a moment and turned to look at something in one of the shops. Then, after a minute, he asked: "It wasn't... anything about us, was it? 'Cause there's been some kinda tension going on ever since that night he brought it up. If he has any kind of problems with this, then-"

"It was really just something about me." Hakkai said. It was mostly true, at any rate.

"Oh. So, what's ol' droopy eyes got stuck up his ass this time?"

"Just the usual, he's worried about everybody keeping themselves together so that we can get on with this mission."

"That sounds like him. I'm not really sure why you're so upset about it though."

"Actually, there is something I'd like to talk to you about, but... I'd like to wait until we're somewhere a little less public than this."

"Hey, Hakkai! Look at those mangos over there!" Goku yelled, interrupting their conversation. "Can we get some of those? Huh, huh? Can we? Huh?"

"Can it, you little monkey!" Gojyo yelled, hitting him over the head.

"Aw, come on! Just one!?"

"We're really not out to buy supplies today." Hakkai explained.

"Why not?" Goku asked. "We might as well while we're in town, right?"

"We're not leaving here for a few days, so we have plenty of time to get supplies later." Hakkai said cheerfully. "I thought that for right now, we could just walk around and look at things. It was either that, or go back to the inn."

"I'll tell ya, I could use a little nap about now." Gojyo said, faking a yawn after he'd finished the sentence.

"Aw, but that's so boring!" Goku complained.

"I really could use a bit more rest myself." Hakkai agreed. He did feel awfully exhausted for some reason.

"Aw, come on Hakkai!"

"Nope. We're going back to the inn, stupid monkey!" Gojyo said, forcing his hand down over the young man's head and messing up his hair.

"Hey! Knock it off, you filthy water sprite!" Goku said, wedging his hands underneath Gojyo's to try to pry the hand off. Hakkai quietly followed them back to the inn, wondering what he could possibly say to Gojyo without feeling like too much of a failure.

"Nice plan by the way." Gojyo said.

"What?" Hakkai asked, startled out of his thoughts.

"You know, don't buy the supplies yet so that when the arrogant prick wakes up from his little nap, we won't be able to take off. Am I right?"

"Oh- Yes, that's right." Hakkai confirmed. They got back to the inn quickly enough, and Goku protested going back to sleep, as expected. Hakkai tried to reason with him, but he was stubborn as usual and they ended up just leaving him down stairs near the inn's entrance while they both walked up toward the rooms. After going through his door, Gojyo held it open and waited for Hakkai to enter. No words needed to be exchanged. They both already knew why they were there. Gojyo sat down on his bed, and drew a cigarette from his pack, lighting it up while Hakkai sat on a chair across from him.

"So, what'd ya wanna talk about?"

"It's just something that's been bothering me lately."

"Something about that asshole monk?"

"Actually, it's something that you've been doing, Gojyo." Hakkai corrected, letting just the slightest little bit of his disappointment in the other man's actions creep into his joyful tone of voice.

"Shit, what'd I do this time?" Gojyo asked, casually smoking his cigarette. He was always doing things that got on Hakkai's nerves, like leaving his trash all over the place and using empty cans as ashtrays. He assumed it was something trivial like that.

"I'm going to sound petty and selfish, but..." Hakkai began, in the same falsely pleasant tone that he used to conceal all of his discomfort. He really didn't want to say this. "the way you are with women has been bothering me lately."

"Huh?" Gojyo said, taken aback by the comment. That was really the last thing he was expecting.

"Honestly, Gojyo... I'm surprised you haven't noticed. The comment that I made the other night when you were flirting with that girl at the inn, and then the one about the dancing girls before we fought that spider demon that night."

"That thing you said about educational principal? I thought that was just because you didn't want me saying something like that around Goku."

"That was my excuse, but... it also bothered me as well."

"How about that time the stinking monk hit me over the head with his paper fan the night before last? You didn't ask him to do that did ya?"

"I think that your sexual harassment bothers him as much as it does me, besides... since when have I ever been in a position to tell Sanzo what to do?"

"I see." Gojyo said, laying back to relax on his bed while he smoked. "You know, Hakkai... if something like that bothers you, then you should tell me about it. I'm kinda thick-headed sometimes, and I might not always notice these things, you know?" It wasn't that he really minded so much, but he hated to think that Hakkai had been worrying about it for so long.

"You're right. I guess I was pretty foolish." Hakkai said, hanging his head with a smile to hide how dejected he felt.

"Now, I don't wanna hear any talk like that." Gojyo said, sitting up straight to look Hakkai in the eyes. "Besides, I actually think... it's kinda hot." He shot Hakkai a seductive wink and Hakkai blushed in spite of himself. "So, ya want me bad enough to get jealous, huh?"

"I guess that's right." Hakkai admitted, laughing nervously. "Ha ha ha."

"You know what I think?" Gojyo asked, getting up from his bed. He walked over the the chair, and took Hakkai by the hand, pulling him up from his seat. "I think we need to spend a little 'quality time' together." He lead Hakkai over to his bed and then laid him down on top of the sheets. Then he climbed on top of the pretty brunet and started kissing him, sinking his tongue down in between those beautiful lips.

Hakkai complied willingly in getting up out of the chair and allowing himself to be lead across the room to the bed. He was really happy that Gojyo hadn't been offended by what he said. He laid down and accepted the kiss, thinking that this was where he wanted to be. Right now, more than anything, he wanted to lose all of his doubts in his lover's embrace. He was easily able to out-maneuver the sloppy movements of Gojyo's tongue in his mouth. Then his hands and fingers moved deftly over the half-demon's body, touching him with just enough pressure to incite arousal, but loose enough to keep him burning for more.

"Not this time, lover boy." Gojyo broke the kiss and pinned Hakkai's hands back down on the bed. "I'm the one who did something to make you upset, right? So... why don't you just relax and let Daddy Gojyo make it feel all better?"

"I really do despise that name." Hakkai said, laughing with false happiness. "Ah ha ha ha."

"Shut up. You know you like it." Gojyo replied, forcefully kissing him so that he'd stop talking. His hand moved up to Hakkai's shoulder and his fingers nimbly unfastened the buttons on his shirt. He peeled the forest-colored fabric away and let his fingers gently drift over the exposed flesh, lightly grazing an exposed nipple. Hakkai moaned softly at the touch, his pants were becoming unbearably tight. Luckily it seemed that the next place Gojyo's hand was headed, was for his belt.


	5. Chapter 5 Anger and Agony

**Anger and Agony**

Sanzo was fast asleep when it started. The slight sounds coming from the other room barely even registered in his unconscious ears. Then they got louder, entering the subconscious world of his dreams. He rolled over in his bed and tried to ignore it, but the disturbing noise kept on growing louder and louder, until he just couldn't sleep anymore. His eyes popped open and he sat up a bed, pulling a cigarette out of his robes and lighting it up. Now that he was awake and could pay attention, he could better discern what the noises were. He could hear the the squeaking sound of mattress coils bouncing up and down, the low, sultry moans that were obviously made by Gojyo, accented by Hakkai's passionate, more high-pitched cries.

"I'm gonna fuckin' kill them both." he muttered to himself.

Although, he couldn't help but wonder why they were being so noisy now. Usually they were pretty quiet. "Shit, maybe I shouldn't have told him to talk to Gojyo." He pulled himself out of bed and put his clothes on, having no intention of sticking around to hear their little tryst. The annoying sounds continued, prompting him to put his cigarette out and hurry to get away form the place. He didn't want to get a mental image of whatever was going on in that room. Unfortunately, the sounds only grew louder as he entered the hall. He could distinctly hear Hakkai's cry of: "Oh, GOOJYOOOO!"

Along with Gojyo's strained, rumbling: "Ha-kkai... Ha-Hakkai!"

Sanzo clapped his hands over his ears in a futile effort to block out the sound, and when that failed to work, he bolted for the staircase. He ran all the way down the stairs, out of the entrance to the inn, and stopped half-way out into the street, panting for air. He stood there all hunched over, trying to catch his breath and pull out another cigarette.

"Hey, Sanzo!" Goku's familiar voice drifted from behind. He had been sitting idly by the side of the building, using a few stray sticks and stones to draw in the dirt and make a little sand castle. "Did you have trouble sleepin' or something?"

"You... could say that." Sanzo replied, while straightening up and lighting his smoke.

Goku dropped whatever he was playing with and walked over to the grouchy priest. "What's wrong? You look like you're pissed!"

"Shut up, baka saru!" Sanzo yelled, hitting him over the head with his paper fan.

"Hey, that hurt!" Goku whined, rubbing his head. "Sanzo! Hakkai and Gojyo left me out here alone, and I was bored and I'm SO HUNGRY!"

"I SAID SHUT UP!!!" Sanzo said, whacking him again, and then stomping on the poor kid with his sandal-clad foot.

"Ow, HEY! THAT HURT MORE THAN USUAL!" Goku accused. "Besides... I just wanted to go get some egg rolls, or maybe some mangos, or...."

"Tch, fine. But I won't buy you anything unless you shut up, now."

"Okay!" Goku replied, with starry eyes, staring up at Sanzo in hopes of some kind of edible treat.

"What a pain in the ass." Sanzo muttered to himself. Then he and Goku walked down the street toward the market.

Back in Gojyo's room, the springs in the bed had stopped creaking and footsteps moved across the floor. Something made a dull thud against the wall, and then the wanton moans and cries of passion from earlier started back up again.

"Oh, yeah... it's in real deep this time." Gojyo gloated, after obstinately stuffing his throbbing erection into the other man's body. "You like that, Hakkai?"

"Ah-HAH!" Hakkai cried, struggling to keep his balance while his body was split open by the invading member. He was folded up against the wall in such a way that every time the lascivious kappa made a thrust he could almost walk up the wall on his hands and shins. "Yes, it's just- Aah! Oh!" he cried out, as his lover continued to plunge into him. _This is really awkward. _He thought. _I think I'd like to avoid this position in the future. _

"You- wanted it... deeper, right?" Gojyo asked, in between thrusting into Hakkai's body and panting for breath.

"Yes, but- AAAAAHH-HA!" He cried, as the thick shaft lurched inside his body. The way it filled every last inch of him was so intense, he could barely keep his wits about him. "I just wish- we could've done this... the other way!"

Gojyo let out a low, guttural moan, relishing the feel of Hakkai's body squeezing down on his hard member. "If I did that-" he explained, panting for air, "-then... I wouldn't have been able to hit your sweet spot so easily." To demonstrate, he pulled back and then rammed himself up into Hakkai's body again.

"UWAAAAAAAHH-HA!" Hakkai screamed. That last thrust had hit his prostate so hard that he was seeing stars. He knew he wouldn't be able to hold it in much longer. "G-Gojyo!"

"Oh,YEEAAAH!" Gojyo moaned, thrusting it in sharp, quick jabs. "Just... a little... MORE! YES! THAT'S... IT! HA-AAHHHHA!"

"Go-jyo!" Hakkai gasped. He could feel his lover's cock and squirt inside of him, it was just enough to put him over the edge. He rested his forehead against the wall while his throbbing dick sprayed over everything between his legs.

"I'm gonna put you down now, okay?" Gojyo said, after waiting a few minutes for his orgasm to finally stop throbbing. He slowly took his hands out from under Hakkai's ass and allowed him to extend his legs. However, when he let go, the man nearly toppled over to the side. "Hakkai!" Gojyo cried, catching him just before he hit the floor. "Damn... I didn't hit'cha that hard, did I?"

"I guess I'm just... more tired than I thought I was." Hakkai replied.

Looking down at the exhausted expression on his face, Gojyo could tell he was really worn out. "I guess I forgot, you haven't been getting enough sleep lately, have you? You can lay down and take a nap in my bed, if you want."

"No." Hakkai replied, reaching up to grab onto the bed frame and pull himself to his feet so that Gojyo didn't have to support him anymore. "I should really go back to my own room."

"Well, in that case, we'd better getcha cleaned up." Gojyo said, walking over to the sink to get a wet towel. "You've got cum all over ya."

"Ah ha ha ha." Hakkai laughed nervously, then he shifted uncomfortably as the stuff trickled down his thighs. Gojyo pulled the used condom off with a plastic snap, and then walked over to the sink. He quickly cleaned himself off and then came back over with a warm, damp towel.

"It's too bad." He said. "You look good in white."

"Ha ha ha." Hakkai laughed, half-mockingly this time. Gojyo smirked and then wiped every last spot of the stuff off of Hakkai's body. Although, he couldn't resist a little playful stroking in the process.

"Unf... Gojyo!" Hakkai protested.

"I know, I know... it's tender, right? Now why don't you turn around so I can do the back?" Hakkai replied with nothing more than an weary groan, as he hoisted himself up so that he could turn his body around. Then he collapsed, allowing the bed frame to hold his weight while his face hit the mattress. Gojyo rudely stuffed his towel-covered hand up between those cheeks and wiped away every last bit of the lube he'd used. Hakkai grunted in objection, but didn't do or say anything else to complain. "There, that should do it."

Gojyo took the towel back into the kitchen while Hakkai pulled himself back onto his feet. He put his clothes back on and was about to start for the door when he stepped on something slippery. He picked his foot up to find the condom Gojyo had used lying on the floor. "GAAAH!" he gasped, appalled at the very sight of the thing. "Gojyo, don't leave this lying on the floor!"

Gojyo walked back over to Hakkai and looked down at the thing. "Oh, sorry about that." He lightly replied, as if it were nothing. Then he kicked it to the side.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai protested.

"I'll pick it up in a minute." he promised, bending down a bit and draping Hakkai's arm over his shoulder. Then he started walking him across the floor. "Come on, we need to get you back to your room, right?"

"Someone could catch a disease!"

"Well, I don't have any disease... and I'm pretty sure you don't either, so everybody should be fine."

"It's unsanitary!"

"I already told you, I'll pick it up in a minute!"

"Somehow, I don't believe you." Hakkai sighed.

"Relax." Gojyo said. He opened the door and they walked out into the hall. Hakkai's room was only one door down, so they got there quickly. Gojyo opened that door, walked Hakkai all the way to the bed, and even helped him lay down on the mattress without hurting himself. "You're a real handful sometimes, ya know that?"

"I could say the same of you, you know." Hakkai replied. Gojyo just smiled, pulled the blankets out from underneath Hakkai's legs, and tucked him into bed.

"Hey, Hakkai..."

"Yes?"

"You mean a lot more to me than any of those women do. You know that, right?"

"Yes, I-I know that Gojyo." They looked into each others eyes and smiled for a moment, and then Gojyo bent down to plant a short, soft kiss on Hakkai's lips.

"Sleep well, alright?"

"Please, don't forget to pick up that condom." Hakkai nagged. _That habit of yours is atrocious._

"Aw, give it a rest!" Gojyo said, heading for the door. He paused right before leaving the room and turned back to look at his lover. "Hey, Hakkai... I love ya." he said, with a flirtatious wink.

"I love you too, Gojyo."

*****

After walking through the markets for minutes on end in the blistering heat, and listening to that stupid monkey beg for every little morsel of food that he laid eyes on, Sanzo was about to snap. He felt like he'd been running on vapors in the first place. It was bad enough to be kept all night by Gojyo's obnoxious laughing and Hakkai's emotional instability, but to be woken from his nap by the sounds of their fucking was just unbearable. The clouds were all long gone from the sky, and the sun beat down on the shadeless streets so hot that the it felt like an oven. He was melting underneath the several thick layers of fabric that made up his robe and the blue jeans, tight black shirt, and gloves he wore underneath it.

To top all of that off, he had a headache, and the idiot monkey's voice was constantly ringing in his ears. "Meat buns! Egg Rolls! Mangos! Ramen! Hey, Sanzo! Can I have this? Huh, huh? Can I? Please?" That same monotonous annoying tone, over and over and over again. It was driving him insane!

"I swear, I'm going... to kill-"

"Hey there, droppy eyes! What's happening?" Gojyo asked, walking up to rest an arm on the monk's shoulder.

In a flash of movement Sanzo drew the gun out of his robe and shot just fractions of an inch away from the top of Gojyo's head. "GET OFF!!!"

"Holy shit!" Gojyo cried, the sound of the gun shot still ringing in his ears. He had to move his hands up to the top of his head to see whether he'd actually been grazed by the bullet or not. "You almost singed my hair, ASSHOLE!"

"I'll singe more than that if you don't SHUT UP!" Sanzo warned, shoving the gun into the skin right between Gojyo's eyes.

"Gah!" Gojyo choked, frozen in place with his eyes crossed trying to look at the barrel of the gun. Sanzo glared at him for several seconds before he finally got tired of it and put the gun down. "You're in a pissy-ass mood today!" Gojyo angrily accused.

"That's right..." Sanzo returned.,"and if you don't shut it right now I'm gonna shove this gun up your happy little ass and-"

"Hey, where's Hakkai?" Goku asked. Gojyo and Sanzo both stopped their irate bickering to glance awkwardly at the monkey.

Then Gojyo backed away form the gun and spoke. "That guy was pretty tired, so I left him back at the inn to get some rest." Then another gun shot pierced the air, and even though Gojyo jumped to the side as quickly as he could it still grazed the side of his face. "What the hell was that for!?"

"Watch the monkey." Sanzo commanded, after turning around and starting to walk away. "I'm going back to the inn."

"Hey! You can't just leave me here with-" Another gun shot, this one blasting through the dirt at his feet. "I fuckin' hate you."

"The feeling is mutual." With those last obnoxious words, Sanzo disappeared into the crowd and left Gojyo and the monkey to stand and gape. It didn't matter what they thought, he was simply too worn out to function. It took so much effort for him just to get past the weary haze in his head and ignore the bleariness of his eyes so that he could walk back to the inn. His whole body felt achy and broken down, right now he needed rest like nothing else. The moment he got through the door to his room he shrugged his robe off, laid down in bed, and passed out. It didn't seem like he'd been asleep for more than a few minutes, but the sun was definitely much lower in the sky when he was awakened by a knock at the door.

"Sanzo? Can I com in?" Sanzo moaned and rolled over in his bed, the door creaked open and Hakkai entered the room. "I've made salad, miso soup, pork ribs, and-"

"-not hungry." Sanzo replied, in a tone that didn't leave the matter open for discussion. _Go away. I'm tired as hell and I'm still holding a grudge against you. _

"Oh... well, alright." Hakkai replied. "I'll just save you something for later." The click of the door being pulled shut barely registered in Sanzo's mind as he drifted back into hibernation. The next time he woke up darkness covered the sky, pierced only by the twinkling of the distant stars and the soft, pale glow of the moon. He laid there for a moment and tried to close his eyes, but they snapped back open. Like it or not, he was wide awake, and his stomach was starting to growl and ache with emptiness.

He clambered out of bed and walked down to the kitchen. As Hakkai had promised there was some food left out, all wrapped up in neat little packages so that it didn't dry out or go bad. He smirked as he noticed a half-empty bottle of sake on the table. _I hope Gojyo plans on drinking that tomorrow. _He poured himself a glass, took his food to the table, and then sat down and had a few bites before lighting up a cigarette. He heard a slight noise on the stairs and turned his head to find Hakkai walking into the room.

"Oh, good... it's you." the green-eyed man said. "I heard a noise down here, so I thought I'd come down and make sure that Goku wasn't getting into the food." Sanzo purposely ignored Hakkai and took a long drag on his cigarette. Then went back to eating because the last thing he wanted right now was to talk, and he really was very hungry. Hakkai walked over to the table and took a seat next to Sanzo, staring out the window into the streets. He could easily see that Sanzo was upset with him, but he wasn't going to just give up and leave. Thinking back to what he'd done that day, he finally worked up the courage to ask the question: "Did Gojyo and I... disturb your rest earlier?"

"Yes." Sanzo answered, taking a couple swigs of the sake to wash down the pork. Just so that his meaning wasn't misunderstood, he added in an even more sour tone: "Yes, you did."

"I'm really very sorry." Hakkai replied, his voice laced with the familiar tone of guilt. He felt absolutely horrible. Sanzo had been trusting him to handle the situation, and he'd let his guard down. "I guess I wasn't thinking." Sanzo didn't say a single thing to that. He was too angry to simply push the matter aside like usual, but not stupid enough to torment Hakkai's ever-persistent martyr complex. "I guess you'll have to kill me now."

"Tch..." Sanzo said. That last comment was really what did it. As if the dramatic pauses and self-loathing jabs were not already too idiotic to bare, he just had to go -there-. "First you and Gojyo had the nerve to wake me in the middle of the night with your obnoxious laughing, then you kept me up with your pathetic whining, and THEN- when I finally had the chance to take a nap!- I awake to the sound of you two fucking like rabbits in the other room!" Hakkai winced painfully at the blunt, yet accurate, accusation. "Do you know that I had to take Goku out to the market- in blistering heat? Listening to his constant cries of: MEAT BUNS! EGG ROLLS! MANGOES!?!"

"Ah ha ha ha..." Hakkai laughed nervously. He was so ashamed, he really couldn't think of anything to say.

_Not to mention the splitting headache I had and the constant throbbing pain from the wound in my side. _Sanzo thought, but he wasn't about to complain about that out loud. Instead he ended his angry rant and took a few hits of his cigarette before going back to his food. He ate quietly for several minutes, waiting for Hakkai to either say something or go away, but nothing happened. He finished the food, threw out the trash, and then sat back down at the table, knowing that this wasn't over. Finally, the silence began to grate on his nerves. "Because of you my sleep schedule's all messed up. I'm awake when I should be tired and in the morning I sleep all day." It was really only a half-assed complaint. He couldn't seem to muster all the anger from earlier.

"I guess... I really deserve to die."

That comment got under Sanzo's skin more than he cared to admit, but then he looked over at that fake smile on Hakkai's face. A transparent mask for what was obviously a hopeless cause. Sanzo didn't feel like there was anything he could do. "Don't be stupid."

The silence that engulfed them seemed to last for hours, with Hakkai blaming himself for all of his negligent failures while Sanzo sat silently by. He didn't know what else to say. Sure, he was mad at Hakkai, he had every right to be. But he'd never- no matter what the circumstances, be so very eager to take the young man's life. It pissed him off that Hakkai would even think so. Or maybe what bothered him more was the way that the moody brunet treated himself with such contempt. _Fuck this..._ Sanzo thought, getting up out of his seat and walking across the room, toward the stairs. He stopped about half-way up and said: "If you ever let it happen again, -then- I'll kill you."

"Ha-ha ha ha." Hakkai laughed nervously, with his face collapsed onto the table. _Even after all this... you still want me to live? _He sat there, laying his head on the table and listened to the sounds of Sanzo's footsteps fade up the stairs and down the hall. _I must be a really bad actor. _He concluded. He tried to play his part, with all of his effort. He kept living, kept smiling, kept fighting. He really didn't want to die, at least, not in the way he had back then. Yet somehow he felt as though there was still some part of him that lacked absolution. His life, although he didn't want to throw it away, didn't seem to have much meaning. Some days he felt like nothing more than an empty shell.

_Can't you see how hard I'm trying, Sanzo? _He wondered. Maybe it was the fact that Sanzo could see how hard he hard to try in order to stay alive that was the problem. When push came to shove he was still only living for everyone else. For Gojyo, Goku, and of course, Sanzo. Still he knew that Sanzo would never be satisfied until he saw that Hakkai could live for himself. Hakkai still wasn't sure he could do something like that. _What do I have in myself that is worth living for? _Unfortunately, he was unable to answer his own question.


	6. Chapter 6 Sin

**Sin**

The next day rolled around, and life went on as usual. They all gathered together to eat breakfast and then Hakkai took Gojyo and Goku out to the market again. This time, to actually get supplies. Although Hakkai had planned on sticking around the town for one more day he wasn't in the mood to argue the point with Sanzo, and he didn't want them all to be left without as a consequence of his behavior. He also hoped that no one noticed that he wasn't all too pleased with himself. Hiding it from Goku and even Gojyo was easy enough, but he felt as though he could never escape the penetrating gaze of Sanzo's deep violet eyes.

The trip to the market was a pleasant respite, although he did end up having to explain to Gojyo that he was quite through with trying to get Sanzo to do anything. Other than that the day was pretty uneventful. They managed to get back with enough supplies for several days, and even in spite of that Sanzo seemed content to stay at the inn for one more night. Hakkai thought it odd for someone who was usually so intent to keep going on their journey. He didn't find out why until they were all about to go to bed. On the way up to their beds, Sanzo called him aside and lead him into his room.

Hakkai stood idly by a chair, lost in thought. He assumed that Sanzo wanted to speak to him about something, and after their conversation last night, he wasn't in the mood. He didn't want to confront his shortcomings again. In fact, he didn't even want to discuss them at all. Meanwhile, Sanzo took off his robe. Hakkai thought nothing of it, assuming the monk was simply getting comfortable. Then Sanzo laid down on his bed, un-tucked the black undershirt from his pants, and pulled it up until just a little past his ribs. "Well, what do you think?" he asked.

"Um..." Hakkai stood there feeling completely confounded for a moment before his eyes rested on the wound on his belly that he'd been given a couple days ago. "Oh! Of course...." He walked over to the bed and bent down to get a good look at it, gently dragging his fingers over the raw flesh. "Actually, it seems to be healing quite nicely now." Hakkai said, genuinely pleased that Sanzo had been taking care of himself for once instead of relying on him for everything. "If nothing else happens to aggravate the wound, then the resulting scar will be hardly noticeable."

"Do you think I'll be able to move around now without opening it back up?"

"You should be fine for most normal activity, as long as no one makes a direct hit on this area."

"Good, because I'm sick and tired of this place."

"It is getting pretty tiring, isn't it?" Hakkai agreed. Truth be told, he was about as sick of the place as Sanzo seemed to be. It would be really good to get back on the road again the next morning. "Well, if that's all you wanted, then..."

"Hakkai...." Sanzo said, making sure he had the other man's attention before he continued. "You know, if it weren't for you-" He paused, not really feeling the need to finish the sentence. Then he pulled the shirt back down over his belly. They both already knew what could've happened if Hakkai hadn't been there that day to close his wound. He'd never even said a word of thanks for it, and even though he wasn't about to start now it seemed like a good time to say something.

_Sanzo..._ Hakkai made a soft sound, exhaling the air in his lungs. _What are you trying to say? _It was hard to tell with Sanzo at times. _Are you trying to thank me for what I've done, give me some reason to be proud of myself, or... are you just trying to make me see that my life is worth something? _

"So, it's almost like we're even." Sanzo added. _Now quit acting like you owe me something. _

"Not really." Hakkai replied. "It wasn't as though I didn't have any help. Besides... even if I had saved your life single-handedly.... You have saved so much more than my life, Sanzo." Y_ou came after me, and you wouldn't let me die. In addition to this: It was your words and your calm, assuring presence that brought me up out of the darkness and into your golden light. As if all of those things were not enough, you argued my case before the gods as well, and kept me out of prison. You gave me so much more than my life, you gave me my soul and my freedom too. _"You gave me a reason to live."

"Tch..." Sanzo said, with an aggravated expression on his face. _I don't want to be anyone's reason to live. _He lit a cigarette and took a few hits to lessen his frustration.

"You are displeased..." Hakkai noted, partially upset at himself for being so honest. "but, I have to admit that I didn't expect any different from you."

"What makes you think you need a reason to live?" Sanzo asked, angrily. "I don't have a reason." The statement got Hakkai's attention. "I only live for myself."

"Yes. I understand that, but..." Hakkai trailed off. His voice sounded almost broken and he was clearly feeling guilty again. "I'm just... not quite there yet myself. I'm sorry." _I really do try, Sanzo. Can't you see that I'm trying? _"Good night." Hakkai said, leaving the room and quietly shutting the door behind him. As soon as it was firmly closed he leaned back into it and let out a relieved sigh. _I guess I really am a stubborn and disobedient disciple. _He thought. _Well, I'm glad that's over. _

The next morning they packed up and left. It took a day and a half before they got to the next one, so they had to camp out under the stars for one night. After that they entered a town full of people. It was so unlike many of the places they had been before, bustling with activity and laughter, and full of shops and food, which was all Goku cared about. They were walking through the center of town when they were pulled aside by a creepy-looking fortune teller.

"Excuse me! You, young men passing by..." he called in a cold, subtle tone. "I presume you are travelers. I, Chin Yiso, will tell you your fortune of travels ahead."

"HA! We're not interested in that damn fortune telling stuff!" Gojyo replied.

"Besides, a business that uses mah-jhong tiles doesn't carry a high degree of trust." Sanzo agreed.

"Aw... how cold!" the man cried, in a mockingly disappointed tone. "Oh well, I'll tell you anyway. A seal of death is appearing, everyone... how scary." he said with an insidious laugh. "You guys are living at a place near death! I can tell! Yes, especially... YOU!" he cried, pointing to Hakkai. Shocked by the unexpected accusation, Hakkai froze where he stood. "You're trying to camouflage your true form with that hypocrite mask of yours, but you have the eyes of a criminal! You have a scar on your stomach, right? That's the sign of your sin! A sin too high in degree to be atoned for!"

_How does he know? _Hakkai thought. It was bone-chillingly accurate, and unexpectedly bizarre, to have all of his past faults thrown at him at the drop of a hat. How could this man see through his facade, or know about his scar? Instantly he felt naked, vulnerable. This person was sitting there pointing the finger and blaming him for his sins... as though he needed anyone else to remind him of what he already knew so well. He barely even noticed when Goku got up and yelled in the guy's face, but then that insidiously cunning voice began to ramble on again.

"My tiles speak of one's destiny... see.... 'Thou people draw calamity'!" He read from one of them. Hakkai's eyes were wide with horror, while the others stood by with shocked expressions on their faces. Except for Sanzo, who was standing there wondering what the hell the bastard was up to. "Well, it's your choice whether to believe it or not."

"What do you....!?" Goku said, but they were interrupted by a huge crash in the distance when a gigantic crab-like monster appeared and started wreaking havoc in the town. Hakkai looked back over at the fortune-teller's booth, only to find it empty. _He's gone...who can that man be? _While Gojyo and Sanzo's voices rambled behind him he could hear the strange man's words being played over in his head. _...the eyes of a criminal...sins too high in degree to be atoned for! _Those words, just like the thoughts that daily played out in his mind. All of his worst fears, brought to life. Some part of him still felt, he would never be able to atone for the sins of his past.

They all had to snap out of their thoughts because the monster was tearing down buildings and killing the townspeople. Gojyo took the first shot at it, but his weapon didn't even scratch the dark monster's impenetrable shell. "Being so big, black, and hard... that's one fine object you got there, mister!" Gojyo replied, flipping the thing off.

"...I can't believe you can spit out a dirty joke at a time like this." Sanzo said. They were about to go after thing thing again, but a little yokai girl appeared out of the shadows and punched the creature right on it's chest, completely shattering it. They quickly learned that she was Kougaiji's little sister, Lirin, and she had actually come to attack them. She threw a punch at Gojyo, but missed and pulverized the ground instead. Then Sanzo simply grabbed her by the back of her shirt. After feeding the struggling girl a meat bun the rest of Kougaiji's group came to claim her. Sanzo willingly dropped her on the ground, and of course Goku couldn't let them leave without challenging them to a fight, so they all squared off for battle.

Standing over the fight, the fortune teller looked down on the action with a twisted smile. "My, my.... Doesn't it look fun? But if it's going to be a party, you have to be more wild. " He said, his voice turning sour and vindictive. "Allow me to help you... Cho Gonou." Then he tore off an earring and threw it to the ground. "With love."

Sanzo was the first one to hear the rocks crumbling behind him. He looked back and there arose a monster, bigger and more powerful than the one before. It attached, interfering with their battle and forcing them to call a temporary truce with Kougaiji's gang.

"Shikigami... that enormous?" Yaone asked.

"Then I presume, that thing wasn't sent by your group?" Hakkai said.

"If that's the case, who was that weird fortune-teller?" Sanzo asked. "What's that bastard's purpose?"

_Chin Yiso... _Hakkai thought. _His mystifying attitude, the ice-like threatening look... _That person had known entirely too much about him, he could only assume that it was someone who knew about his past. But somehow, he just couldn't remember where he'd seen that face. The monster kept attacking, so Goku was forced to distract the thing while Kougaiji summoned a fiend. The shikigami finally went down in flames and burned to ash. Then Kougaiji's group left, and Sanzo decided that they're better leave as well. As they walked out of the town, something on the ground caught Hakkai's gaze. It looked like a piece of the shikigami with a yin yang symbol on it.

_There's something inside! _Hakkai thought. When he picked it up, it crumbled to dust and the only thing left was a mah-jhong tile imprinted with the character for "sin". "GA!" Hakkai cried. The sight of it was so startling that he almost choked. The memory of that fortune-teller and all of his accusations, the thoughts of the sins from his past, were just too much to bear. "KA-HA! GO-HO!"

"HAKKAI?" Gojyo said, running over to see what was wrong.

"I'm ok." Hakkai replied, even knowing that they wouldn't buy it. "It's... nothing." _Those eyes... _he thought, _I've seen them somewhere... WHO IS HE?_

They left the ruined town as quickly as possible, driving all that day until the sun went down and they had to stop and camp in the jeep for the night. Even after hours of behind the wheel, Hakkai was still tense and disturbed. Sanzo and Gojyo could probably see it in his face, but for the moment they were gracious enough not to bring it up. That night when he fell asleep, his troubled mind produced a dream.

His unconscious thoughts dwelled on Kanan. He could remember how wonderful it was making love to her, and how he had wished that they could've been one like that forever. He could also remember how she had once said that his hands were beautiful. It was such a silly little comment, but he knew back then that he would've been able to do anything for her. He would've been able to become anything, as long as she was in his life. Then there was their last meeting, when he'd found her huddled in that cell and said: "Let's run away Kanan! I'll protect you."

"It's no use Gonou." she replied, then her beautiful form turned into a hideously decaying corpse and said: "Your hands are blood-stained!"

Hakkai's eyes snapped open in shock. He was sitting in the jeep, breaking out in a cold sweat. "A dream..." he said. _How many times has it been? _He wondered. _Inside my dream, I... repeatedly lose you. _

"Something wrong?" Sanzo asked.

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said, embarrassed that he'd woken his companion up. "It's nothing, I just couldn't sleep. Ha ha ha." The nervous laughter, a subtle indication that he didn't want to explain himself. "I'm going out for a walk."

"Be careful." Sanzo cautioned. He understood Hakkai's reasons, but he was still worried.

"Yes." Hakkai promised.

Gojyo opened and eye and watched him walk away. _Maybe the monk'll let you get off that easy, Hakkai, but not me. _He wasn't certain about what was going on, but he knew that he didn't want Hakkai walking around in the forest alone. Not this late at night, not after the day he'd had. So he waited until Sanzo dozed off, and then got out of the jeep. He followed after Hakkai, out into the trees. When he finally caught sight of the moody brunet he was standing around looking down at his hands, the way he sometimes did. Gojyo knew he had to break him out of it somehow.

"I was... only pretending to have forgotten about it." Hakkai said, once he'd gotten far enough from the jeep. The scar on his belly had started to ache again from the moment he met that man. He was probably someone who held a grudge from that time, but Hakkai didn't understand the purpose behind his circuitous approach. "Chin Yiso." He still had the mah-jhong tile from earlier, he looked down at the thing and then squeezed it in his hand. "The promise I couldn't fulfill. The one love that I couldn't save. The unforgivable number of lives I've taken away."

He could still hear her voice in his memory, saying: "I really like your hands, Gonou."

_I cannot embrace anyone anymore... with these sinful hands._ He thought.

"Your life line's fuckin' short..."

Hakkai jumped at the sound of someone else's voice, and turned around to find Gojyo there. "...you scared me!"

"That's my line." Gojyo said. "I can't believe I could take your back this easily."

_You're right. _Hakkai agreed. _I was so lost in thought, I didn't even hear you coming. _After they had a short conversation about his lifeline he asked: "...Did I wake you up?"

"Um... well.... Actually... I thought I would observe your depressed face." Gojyo replied, making it clear that he knew what was going on.

Hakkai was upset by the revelation, but not surprised. Gojyo was concerned for him, and Hakkai hated to be the source of that concern. "May I ask you something?"

"What is it?"

"Three years ago... why did you save me that time?" He knew that Gojyo once had a similar loss, but at the time they were complete strangers. "If you would've just left me there I would have died on the road. ...Me, who maybe should've died that way."

Now it was Gojyo's turn to be upset. It really hurt him when Hakkai started to talk like this. "I'm not going to tell a guy who asks me that way."

"I knew it. Haha Ha." Hakkai replied. He wasn't sure what kind of answer he was really expecting.

"...Anyways, don't try to think too hard." Gojyo warned. "You'll go bald someday."

"Ah! I wouldn't want that!!"

"See? Sanzo might be hiding it, but the curved part is kind of..." They were interrupted by a rustling sound in the grass. A little wooden doll walked out of the trees, holding something in it's hands.

"A... A doll? In this place?" Gojyo said.

"Hello!" The doll said, in a badly deteriorated mechanical tone. "Hello, murderer Cho Gonou!!"

Hakkai's eyes widened at the sound of those words. He spotted the mah-jhong tile it was holding and immediately thought: _CHIN YISO!_

"Wh...Why does he know Hakkai's old name...?" Gojyo asked.

"Was the fresh blood warmer than the woman's skin?" The sadistic doll asked, conjuring up images of the crimson liquid covering his hands. "Or was it sweet-smelling like an orchid?" Hakkai stared down at the thing in horror. "You seem to have forgotten about it, so I'll help you remember!" Even now, there was no way Hakkai could ever forget. "There's no place for you to relax! Because... you are a sinful person."

"I understand what you are saying." Hakkai interrupted. "But if you have business with me..." His soft, apologetic tone ended there, replaced with a loud voice and an angry glare. "WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT AND TALK?"

"Yes. That's the face... Cho Gonou." The doll said. "That's your true face!!"

"YOU, PIECE OF...!!" Gojyo yelled, kicking the thing hard enough to send it flying. "...FUCK YOU. PIECE OF SHIT!! We're going back to the jeep, Hakkai! It's better not to take any individual actions!"

"Yes." Hakkai agreed. They were both turning around to leave when he looked back at the thing and saw it getting ready to shoot something from it's mouth. "GOJYO, WATCH OUT...!!"

"Eh?" Gojyo said. He turned around an the thing pierced his chest. "What...?"

"GOJYO!!" Hakkai cried, he was paralyzed with fear. At that moment, he almost felt as though something had pierced his heart as well. With a stricken expression on his face, he ran to where Gojyo was lying on the ground. He didn't know what he'd do if anything happened to him.

"Hakkai!!" Sanzo's voice yelled from a few yards away. "What happened?"

Hakkai turned to find Sanzo and Goku running toward them. "Gojyo has..."

He was interrupted by the sounds of Gojyo struggling. The group watched in horror as something darkened his veins and made them pop out of his skin. Goku asked what was going on, but the other two were too stunned to say a word. Gojyo cried painfully, as it spread all over his body. "Crap... something... something's crawling around in my veins...!!"

"What's going on?!" Sanzo angrily demanded.

"It's a seed!!" The little wooden toy happily exclaimed. "I've implanted a seed in that guy's body! It's a seed that sucks blood and grows roots in the veins!"

"...What's that thing?" Goku asked, referring to the doll.

"It's Chin Yiso's messenger." Hakkai replied.

"So it's that bastard." Sanzo said, not at all surprised by the fact.

"If you don't hurry up and kill that seed, that guy'll become one of the trees in the forest. Or maybe that's better because it's ecological!" The possessed toy said. "Oh yeah, I'll say this for just in case. I've implanted the seed right next to that guy's heart." For the second time that night, Hakkai broke into a cold sweat. He knew that Gojyo would die if they didn't remove the thing, but with it so close to his heart, he might also die if they did.

"...Bastard." Sanzo said, getting severely pissed. _Trying to take advantage of Hakkai by doing this to someone he cares for. _"What's your purpose?"

The sadistic little thing laughed gleefully and said: "It's so much fun... It's so much fun, Cho Gonou!! You should hurry up and come over here too!!" That was when Sanzo pulled out his gun and shot the damn thing's head off.

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said, with a frown on his face. _What good does that do?_

_I see... _Sanzo thought, considering the toy's words and the situation at hand. There was only one way he could think of to accurately remove the seed from Gojyo's body._ ...so that's the case. _He really didn't want to have to do this in front of Hakkai, but he didn't have any choice. "He has a good scheme, that fuckin' bastard!" What he hated even more, was playing into someone else's hands. "Goku! Hold down Gojyo's arm!!"

"Eh? Yeah?" Goku asked, pinning down the arm while wondering why Sanzo wanted him to do that.

"...Are you satisfied? Chin Yiso, THIS IS YOUR FUCKIN' DESIRE, RIGHT?!!" he yelled, aiming the gun down at Gojyo's chest.

"Wha... Sanzo?!" Goku complained.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!!" Hakkai cried, momentarily wondering if the trigger-happy monk had completely lost it. "PLEASE WAIT! The target's too small... Besides, even if you're able to shoot through the seed, the shock to his heart will..."

"Hakkai." Sanzo said, in a calm, soothing voice, hoping to talk Hakkai out of this desperate frenzy he'd fallen into. "After I shoot, immediately close the wound. Be sure to hold him down, Goku."

"No way. Are you serious?" Goku asked.

"I won't miss whatsoever. If he dies, it's because his heart was too weak."

"I'M SO PISSED OFF!!" Gojyo yelled with a strained voice. "I WON'T DIE!!"

"If you don't shut up, you're going to bite your tongue." Sanzo warned, in a neutral tone that was about as nice-sounding as his voice could get. Then he made the shot.

"GAHA!!" Gojyo cried, as the bullet went ripping through his chest.

"GOJYO!!" Hakkai yelled. _Please... I can't lose you! _It hurt him so much, but he had to concentrate in order to close the wound. He moved over to Gojyo's reclining form and worked as quickly as he could.

"Tsk..." Sanzo hissed. Standing back and watching Hakkai with an expression on his face that was half pissed that any of this was even happening and half worried that Gojyo might actually die.

"The wound's been closed." Hakkai announced. "He's lost consciousness, but his heartbeat is normal."

"This is bad for our hearts!!" Goku said.

"...It's my fault." Hakkai said, getting up and turning around as thought he intended to walk away. _I managed to save his life, but Gojyo still almost died because of me. Goku's scared... Sanzo's pissed off... all of our lives are threatened, because... _"Chin Yiso's objective is clearly on me."

"Stop it." Sanzo commanded.

"BUT SANZO!!" Hakkai yelled.

"CALM DOWN!!" Sanzo countered. "If you lose your cool here, then you'll be playing right into his hands!!" When Hakkai realized that fact, that he was doing exactly what that man wanted him to do, it was just too much to handle. He completely blacked out. "HEY!" Sanzo cried, catching him just before he hit the ground. "...Bring some water, Goku!"

"Right!" Goku agreed, running off into the forest.

Sanzo laid him down on the ground, stopping to glance over at Gojyo's blood-stained shirt and then back over to Hakkai's exhausted face. "Guess you can't blame him... He hasn't been getting proper sleep these days." Unfortunately, Sanzo realized that this was partly his fault. "DAMN IT!" he yelled, smashing into a tree with his fist. _I suspect everything is right on Chin Yiso's plan. _He already knew that the seed was planted next to Gojyo's heart for the sole purpose of making him shoot Gojyo in front of Hakkai. _I don't know the reason why Chin Yiso's hatred was born... but what is clear is that he doesn't want to kill Hakkai, HE WANTS TO BREAK HIM. _

Sanzo stood watch over his two unconscious companions, thinking to himself and waiting for Goku to get back with the water. The whole matter was awfully unsettling. He didn't care who this man was or what he was after, and quite honestly, he'd killed people for less. But this guy's obsessive hatred, along with the way he manipulated the situation and took advantage of the two weak idiots in order to get to Hakkai, was something that Sanzo couldn't stand at all. It made him want to take matters into his own hands and kill Chin Yiso himself, but if he did then there would be no way of knowing what the repercussions would be on Hakkai.

Then he sat down on the grass and lighted himself a smoke. _I wonder why he chose to do it like this. _Sanzo thought. _Was Gojyo specifically targeted for a reason? _Obviously, the bastard had to have been observing them at some point. Sanzo wondered if the vengeful old man had seen him shoot in Gojyo's general direction once after the kappa had made some annoying comment. If he had, he would've been sure to notice that it bothered Hakkai. "Cheap bastard..." Sanzo muttered. He was frustrated, pissed off, and on top of all that, Goku was taking forever to get water. Sanzo was really starting to worry, in spite of himself. _Left all alone with a couple of half-dead guys. What a pain in the ass. _

He sat there quietly, patiently smoking his cigarette and watching the other two, just to make sure that they were actually breathing. Time passed by slowly in the lifeless little clearing, and nothing happened. He was expecting some kind of further harrassment, but with Hakkai out cold it seemed that Chin Yiso would have to wait until he was conscious again to torment him. Still, Sanzo didn't like the idea of sitting around in the open like this, vulnerable to any attack that might come. He quietly waited for what he thought seemed like hours in the impenetrable quiet of that forest. Combined with the monkey's absence, the silence was slowly grating on his nerves. Eventually he climbed to his feet, walked a few feet away from his slumbering friends, and started calling out to that stupid monkey. "HEY! GOKU! WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU?! BAKA SARU!! Bring back the water already!"

"Unf... shut up." Gojyo groaned. "As if this pain in my chest's not enough, you're giving me a fuckin' headache! What the hell's going on?"

Sanzo walked over to the annoying invalid with half a mind to stomp on that empty head of his... but looking at the blood-soaked shirt, he decided not to. "I can't find the idiot monkey."

"Shit. Are you serious?" Gojyo asked, pushing himself up to a sitting position. "What the hell happened? Hey... where's Hakkai?"

"He passed out after treating you." Sanzo said, looking over at the brunet slumbering nearby.

"Son of a...." Gojyo said, looking over at him. "Hakkai..." _why'd you go and do something like that?_

"I told Goku to go get some water... several hours ago."

"Shit." Gojyo said, pulling a cigarette out of his pocket. "Ya don't think...?"

"He won't die that easily." Sanzo replied. "But... we can't just stay here."

"Fine." Gojyo said. "You go look for the monkey and I'll watch over basket case."

Without another word, Sanzo disappeared into the trees. While he was gone Gojyo sat and smoked, keeping an eye on Hakkai. Words couldn't really express how worried he was at this point. He hated the way that Chin Yiso treated Hakkai, he hated being used as a pawn to hurt him, and above all, he hated to see Hakkai suffer like this. _No matter how much you blame yourself, you really don't deserve this, Hakkai. _It made Gojyo so angry, he really wanted nothing more than to kill that bastard for what he'd done. Eventually Sanzo came back, but Goku wasn't with him. All he had was some of the supplies from the jeep. "Hakuryu is gone, and I didn't find the canteen that we had the water in."

"Shit." Gojyo cursed. _Well, at least the baka saru's not alone._

"Whatever happened, it looks like we're on our own for now.... We shouldn't stay here." Sanzo said, knowing that Chin Yiso would probably come looking for them eventually.

"Yeah, but..." Gojyo agreed, looking down at Hakkai's unconscious form.

"Here, carry the supplies!" Sanzo said. He shoved the pack full of items into Gojyo's hands.

"Damn it!" Gojyo cursed. "Ya fuckin' prick!" He really wanted to carry Hakkai, but he knew that in his current state it would be foolish to even try it. He pushed himself to his feet and then lifted the pack over his shoulder, but the exertion caused a sharp, stabbing pain in his chest. "A-AHHHH!" he cried, barely getting it strapped to his back without dropping it.

Sanzo bent over Hakkai's still form and carefully slid his arms underneath, lifting him up to his chest. "I think that I saw a cliff just a short ways back in the direction we came from." he said. "Maybe if we're lucky we can find some kind of shelter." he added, staring off in the general direction.

"Fine." Gojyo agreed, taking a deep breath and following after them. Although the pain was still there, it wasn't as sharp as it had been at first. They walked and walked for minutes on end, but a thick fog was rolling in and the minutes passed like hours. Gojyo stared ahead at the others, watching each careful step the monk took with Hakkai cradled gently in his arms. _That should be me,_ he thought. _After all Hakkai just saved my life, the least I could do is carry him someplace safe. _Then the wound inside his chest throbbed, and he almost stumbled on his own two feet. "GAH!"

"You alright?" Sanzo asked, glancing over his shoulder.

"I'm fine!" Gojyo insisted. "How much farther is this thing?"

"I can see something up ahead, just a little bit farther." Sanzo answered. They walked several dozen yards and came to a wall of rock. "Along this edge... there's got to be a cave... somewhere." Sanzo said, panting heavily as he turned and walked beside the ledge.

"You sound... like you're getting a little winded there." Gojyo teased. "Sanzo-sama."

"Sh-Shut up!" Sanzo barked. "You wheezing kappa!"

_Hakkai probably is a lot heavier then him. _Gojyo thought.

"There!" Sanzo said, spotting a recess in the never-ending wall before them. They both walked in to the the cave and stopped to catch their breath. "Hey, useless water sprite! Why don't you- put down some blankets... for your 'partner'?"

"You... bastard." Gojyo mumbled, unpacking some of the supplies and tossing them around until he got to the bedding. Then he found the flattest patch of ground in the place and spread out a blanket, several sheets, and even rolled one up to act as a pillow. _There, that's the least I can do. _"You can come set him down now."

Sanzo walked over and carefully laid Hakkai down on the sheets, and then he went to go sit and have a smoke. Gojyo pulled the blankets up over his lover's body and gently tucked him in. Then he took the monocle and the green band over Hakkai's forehead off and set them to the side. "Hey Sanzo... ya don't think that guy was coming after me because-?"

"I don't think so." Sanzo said. "That guy was more interested in Hakkai's past than he is in his present. I doubt he's been watching any longer than the moment we stepped into town today."

"Still... the last person Hakkai lost was his lover. Isn't it... a really big coincidence or what?"

"Either way, it doesn't matter. Whether he knows the full story about what's going on between the two of you or not, he's still going to assault anyone who is close enough to Hakkai that losing that person would hurt him. So, don't get all bent out of shape."

"Tch... like this isn't affecting you, Mr. High-and-mighty monk!" Gojyo said, then he did his best Sanzo impression and added: ""How dare you do this! I saved him, and his life is mine!" I bet that's what you're thinking!"

Sanzo wanted to pull out his gun and fire at the smart-ass, but then he thought of something better. "You're just afraid that he won't be around to warm your bed when your pathetic attempts to hit on women fail!"

"Why you son-of-a-!!" Gojyo began, he leapt to his feet with such sudden force that a stabbing pain ripped through his chest again. "AAAAH-AH!" He took a few staggering steps and then fell back onto the floor. Sanzo got up and walked out of the cave. "Where're you-? Hey!" Gojyo called. "Get your pansy ass back here! I'm not done with you!" He pulled himself back to his feet and took a few steps toward the cave's mouth before Sanzo replied.

"I'm going to look for the monkey."

"Like hell!" Gojyo argued. "You can't just leave Hakkai here like that!"

"I'm not leaving him here alone." Sanzo said, walking up to Gojyo and giving him a light punch in the stomach.

"AHH!" Gojyo cried, falling on his ass again.

"You're going to stay with him, you invalid. You could use the rest as well."

"You- bastard...!"

"Sit down, shut up, and keep an eye on your boyfriend!"

"Ya fuckin' prick." Gojyo said, watching the obnoxious priest disappear into the fog.

It wasn't that he minded being left to watch Hakkai, but if Chin Yiso showed up, then he wouldn't really be of much help. However, Sanzo had a point. He wouldn't be able to do anything until he had some rest. So he crawled over to where Hakkai was laying on the blankets and curled up next to him on the floor. He passed out for what must have been hours, but woke up feeling much better. He got up and stretched without any problem, then he walked out to the mouth of the cave and had a few smokes. After that he went and knelt back down by Hakkai's bedside for awhile. He was there when Sanzo finally returned: speechless, hopeless, and empty-handed. "How is Hakkai?" he asked.

"He's fine. He's been out all this time." Gojyo replied, looking over the peacefully slumbering man. "Ya know... when I found him standing out there in the trees, he was looking at his hands and saying something about all the people he killed." He reminisced. "It reminds me of that night a long time ago. After the first time I kissed him, he said something to me about how he could never hold anyone with those blood-stained hands again. Then I said: "How 'bout I hold you with my hands instead?"" Gojyo smirked at the memory.

"Pervert." Sanzo accused. "Now it's your turn... go look for the damn monkey!"


	7. Chapter 7 Stronger

**Stronger**

Sanzo sat and smoked a cigarette as he watched Gojyo's back disappear into the fog. He pulled a newspaper out of their sack of supplies and leaned back against the rocky wall of the cave. He opened up the newspaper and started to read, but once again found himself casually skimming over the print without absorbing any meaning. In truth, he wasn't sure if he could relax. Not with Hakkai going out of his mind and the saru gone missing. All that left him with was the perverted kappa, the most aggravating of all three. He looked down at the unconscious young man covered in sheets, wondering what could possibly be going through that twisted mind of his. _Is this what you wanted Hakkai? You wanted to be punished for your sins... when will you decide that this torment is enough?_

Smoke drifted toward the sky as he exhaled, worried about the possible outcome of this battle. Minutes passed by, maybe even hours, while he was sitting there thinking and worrying, unable to do anything. _Will you be strong enough? After carrying around this guilt for so long, will you finally be able to face it... even while those memories are fresh within your mind? _It wasn't that Sanzo doubted that Hakkai had the strength. Considering the amount of willpower necessary for this, he already had more than enough. However, simply because he was capable of dealing with this didn't necessarily mean that he would actually do so. _Are you ready for this, Hakkai? _A foolish question if he'd ever thought of one. Who could possibly be prepared for something like this?

It wasn't that he expected a lot of Hakkai. In fact, he didn't expect much at all, not nearly as much as Hakkai freely gave of himself. Sanzo honestly didn't look down on him either. To some extent, it was because he really did care that the brunet's self-effacing style bothered him so much. Then there was also the fact that listening to someone talk trash about themselves was annoying as hell to begin with. As much as he hated being in this situation, he had no other choice but then to trust Hakkai to pull through it. He had briefly considered taking matters into his own hands numerous times. However, leaving Hakkai in his current state would be disastrous at best. He had to confront Chin Yiso, whether he was ready for it or not.

Sanzo heard a soft rustling sound as Hakkai lifted one hand into the air, staring at it with that startled gaze that told Sanzo that he could see it stained in blood. "You're awake." he said, pleased with the fact in spite of Hakkai's guilt-ridden attitude. "There's no point if you faint after treating someone else."

"This place..." Hakkai said, after looking around. Sanzo explained that they'd only been there half a day, the fog was thick so they couldn't travel, and Gojyo was alive and well. "Why don't you worry about yourself before others?" he asked. "Any clue on that abnormal fortune teller?"

"No." Hakkai replied. "But he knows about my past, and... he abhors me."

"Guess the gossip about survivors from Hyakugan Mao's tribe existing wasn't false after all."

"I thought..." Hakkai paused, remembering all those deaths so many years ago. "I had killed every single one."

"You've too naïve." Sanzo accused.

"Should a priest say that kind of line?" Gojyo asked, walking into the cave.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai cried, relieved beyond measure to see him alive and well.

"It's no use with this thick fog." Gojyo continued. "I've tried searching around here."

"Searching... for what?" Hakkai asked, and then he noticed that Goku was gone. Gojyo complained to Sanzo for not telling him sooner, and then they went ahead and let Hakkai know that the monkey had gone missing. When he heard how long Goku had been gone, Hakkai was sick with worry. "I'll..." he said, lifting the blankets and planning to go find Goku.

"I told you to stay here!" Gojyo said, shoving Hakkai's head down into his own lap. "That bastard's objective is you!"

"Are you telling me... to keep watching someone get hurt because of me?!" Hakkai demanded.

"There's a phrase called muichi motsu." Sanzo interrupted. "It's one of the teachings in Zen Buddhism. "If you meet Buddha, kill him. If you meet the patriarchs, kill them. Free of all, bound by nothing, you live your life simply as it is." That's the only thing my predecessor taught me." It was also the one thing he believed in, more than anything else. It helped him focus on what was important, and he was hoping that it would do the same for Hakkai. "That's why I continue to kill. I'll kill anyone who blocks my path. That goes the same no matter who's enemy it is." He looked straight into Hakkai's eyes, to make sure he was listening. "If you understand, cool your head and get your health back first. We don't need anyone that'll slow us down."

Hakkai realized that once again he was only thinking of himself. "He's exactly- RIGHT!"

Sanzo and Gojyo had walked out of the cave. They talked for a moment about what they were going to do, and then they saw a figure coming toward them through the fog. It appeared to be Goku, and Gojyo and Hakkai went out to greet him, but Sanzo saw through the act and shot the thing in the head. The body fell to the ground lifelessly, and then crumbled to reveal a mah-jhong tile. "Come on out Chin Yiso!" Gojyo called. "Sanzo-sama's in a really bad mood right now!"

"That was so cool. I had underestimated you guys!" the creepy old man said, appearing out of the fog. "Salutations." He casually sat down on a rock in front of them and added: "I thought it was a well-made doll too! How did you find out it wasn't him?"

"You need to study more." Gojyo said.

"Goku's very first cry is, I'M HUNGRY." Sanzo said.

"My, how complicated!" Chin Yiso replied.

Sanzo pulled out his gun and fired on the bastard. "Where's Goku? I won't miss this time!"

"Let's see. What do you think happened to him?" Chin Yiso teased. "He could be wandering aimlessly in this fog, OR... he might have been a bear's prey already." Sanzo fired several more shots at the old man, who dodged them all and laughed insidiously. "You're such a short-tempered person! Maybe you're lacking in calcium." Suddenly a swarm of centipedes appeared and started crawled up the legs of the three travelers.

"Shit! Where are they gushing out from...?!" Sanzo yelled. None of them were able to move.

"Hyakugan Mao was a centipede demon." Chin Yiso explained. "The centipede captures bugs with the poison they have in their teeth. You must hurry up, if you get bitten by that many, it might be fatal!" The creepy old man walked up to Hakkai and asked: "Do you still lack hatred..." He placed his hand under Hakkai's chin and lifted his face to look into his eyes. "...for the centipede bastard who had disgraced and impregnated your woman? Take a good look, at his son's face!"

Hakkai was so angry that he somehow broke free of the centipedes covering his arm and threw a punch at the old man's face. Chin Yiso dodged it easily and then elbowed him in the chest, doubling him over in pain. Then the creepy fortune teller pounced on him, pinning him to the ground.

"HAKKAI!" Gojyo cried, worried for his life while helplessly immobilized by the centipedes. Hakkai glanced up at his attacker, with an expression full of murderous hate.

"That's it! You're starting to have that expression on your face!" Chin Yiso said, recognizing in that look the man who killed his whole clan so many years ago. "I don't know if it's an atonement for taking those innocent lives but, I've never despised your noble hypocrisy. Still... your foolishness and murderous intent solely... fulfills my heart!"

Hakkai was so angry, he lost contact with reality. At some point the fortune teller was whisked off of his body, and he climbed up on his knees. He didn't really remember what happened, because his mind was not here in the forest, but back in the castle of Hyakugan Mao three years ago. He was walking through the halls, killing all the demons, hacking their bodies to pieces and extinguishing their lives. Blood was splattered everywhere: on his face, their twisted corpses, the floor, the walls, his hands were covered in it. The rain was ringing in his ears, so loud that the sound of it drowned out all reason. Then he saw her sitting in that cell, she grabbed the knife from his belt, and used it to take her own life.

"Hey! Are you alright, Hakkai?" Sanzo asked.

"Hakkai?" Hakkai asked, he didn't even know his own name. He had been so lost in the memories of his past that for a moment, he really couldn't remember.

"Hey!! Get a hold of yourself!" Gojyo said, walking over to grab his shoulders and look into his eyes. "YOU'RE CHO HAKKAI!!"

_Ah..._ Hakkai thought, finally remembering. "I'm ok!" he said, even though he really wasn't. "Sorry."

"WATCH OUT!" Sanzo called. All of a sudden Chin Yiso was behind Gojyo, cradling the top of the half-demon's head in his claws. They only had a moment to stare up in horror before Hakuryu flew in and clawed at the old man's face. He was forced to let go of the kappa as he jumped back in an effort to evade the little dragon's attack.

"Are you guys alright?" Goku asked. They looked up and he was perched in a tree above them. "My bad! Did I keep you guys waiting?!" Gojyo kicked him in the head, and he said something about having a broken leg and being hungry. Sanzo whacked him with the paper fan.

Chin Yiso interrupted them to say: "Oh my, it came off beautifully!" while picking his detached arm up from the ground. "Guess it's better then losing a leg or something else!"

"Doesn't this guy have any sense of pain?" Gojyo asked.

"Sanzo! Something's definitely wrong with that guy!" Goku claimed. "He doesn't have any living smell."

"What do you mean by that?" Sanzo asked.

_That's right..._ Hakkai thought. _I remember... I killed that man. _Three years ago he could dimly recall, he met a man there with that face. He couldn't remember why he had been so angry at him to begin with, but he could remember the way that he had sliced through his chest, ripping it wide open. _Without a doubt, that time... I killed him!_

"Now!" Chin Yiso interrupted. "Let's stop your chit-chat right about now! You know, I thought about it so much too. How can I make Cho Gonou thrilled!" Hakkai looked up to glare in the old man's face. "It was something quite simple. I knew it was most effective... to torture his friends!"

"WOW! You're the worst!" Goku said.

"That's the best compliment I can get." Chin Yiso said, he drew out half a dozen small throwing blades and aimed them for Gojyo and Goku. "The red-haired brother and the golden-eyed boy, I've already played with, next-" He threw a few at Sanzo, who skillfully caught them between his fingers and then let them drop to the ground. "He's really going to lose a lot of his friends."

"BRING IT ON!" Sanzo said, wanting nothing more than to kill the dirty bastard. He couldn't stand the way Chin Yiso had used Goku and Gojyo tog et to Hakkai, and he'd be damned if he was going to let himself be used as a pawn in this twisted little game.

_I remember now... _Hakkai thought, as more of his memory came back._ ...that voice... those eyes... this man is- _He could remember hearing the sound of that icy, contemptuous voice taunting him as he sat by the cell. _So, that woman died. You must be happy. You didn't have to see the face of a monster's child. You LOVED her, didn't you? I heard from a person that you were this woman's little brother. Your first woman was your sister... does it feel good DOING IT between brother and sister?_ Cho Gonou looked up at the demon, with a gaze black as death.

"Hey! You low-life bastard!" Goku interrupted. "If you do anything to Sanzo, I won't let you off easily!"

"Oh my, your household pet has a strong dedication- however," he threw a few more knives, this time slicing into Goku's leg, "he barks too much." Goku screamed in pain and fell to a sitting position on the ground. "I can't believe you can say those kind of threatening words when you're barely able to stand up."

"So you seriously fractured your bone?" Sanzo asked.

"DIDN'T I TELL YOU THAT FROM THE BEGINNING?!" Goku yelled.

"WOW! His leg's bent in a weird direction!" Gojyo said.

"Sanzo." Hakkai whispered. "Let's divide up into two groups."

"Hmpf. I see..." Sanzo replied. _Gojyo's probably not in his full condition after last night's incident... Goku's in that state... _"If that's the case..." he turned and fired at Chin Yiso, but the old man vanished from the spot before the bullet could hit him.

"Shooting randomly?" he asked. "What a temporizing measure."

"You shouldn't be the one saying that!" Hakkai said, sending the beam of his chi cannon crashing into the old man's body.

"AFTER HIM HAKKAI!" Sanzo yelled, starting to run.

"Gojyo, we're leaving you to take care of Goku!" Hakkai warned.

"Huh? HEY!!" Gojyo said, turning to look as they ran off. "Those bastards left us behind on purpose, didn't they?!"

"SERIOUSLY?!" Goku said. "THOSE FUCKING BASTARDS!"

Sanzo and Hakkai ran into the forest, making as much distance between themselves and their ailing party members as possible, before Chin Yiso caught up to them. "I see, you've lead me away from those two, HEHE- I guess that will be alright." the old man chuckled, turning towards Sanzo before adding: "That naivety of yours is going to cost you your life!"

"Stop daydreaming!" Sanzo yelled angrily, thoroughly fed up with the old man's annoying sense of humor. Aside from which, no one was going to call him naïve and get away with it. "You're trying to kill me, right? Don't you dare miss!" They kept running, dodging the old man's attacks. After they'd gone even deeper into the forest the attacks finally subsided for awhile. "We lost him."

"This isn't good." Hakkai said. "I hope nothing happens to Goku and Gojyo."

"No. He's probably around here near us." Sanzo said, as they both stopped to lean a tree. "That guy's goal right now, is to kill me in front of you."

"You're right." Hakkai agreed, realizing that he'd been stuck in his own little world again and failed to properly analyze the situation. Sanzo lit a cigarette. "You've increased your amount these days."

"It's because there's been too many things irritating me." Sanzo replied, unwilling to openly admit that the situation bothered him.

"Oh, are you being sarcastic?" Hakkai asked, not sensing much annoyance in Sanzo's voice in spite of the gruff nature of the comment.

"Thank God some people understand figurative language!" Sanzo said.

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said. He couldn't help but feel that once again, he was nothing more than a burden.

"What is it?" he asked, annoyed by the sorrowful tone of Hakkai's voice. "If you say something foolish, I'm going to kill you!"

"Oh! I guess I won't say it then." Hakkai replied, knowing it would make him angry.

"Are you asking for a fight? You bastard!" Sanzo yelled.

"Am I... allowed to be here?"

"That was a REALLY stupid one, don't ever ask that again." Sanzo scolded. It bothered him to hear such things, especially at a time like this. Everything that they had, including their lives, was depending on Hakkai right now, and he still had doubts about himself. Sanzo didn't know if anything he said or did would make things any better. But he knew that he had to say something. "You won't ever betray me, right?" The way he said it, it really wasn't a question. It was the only way he could think of to let Hakkai know that he believed in him without directly saying so.

"You're... such a sly person..." Hakkai replied evasively. He was touched, and yet burdened at the same time. _If you say it like that... there's no way I would be able to betray you. _He didn't answer the question and Sanzo didn't give any reply, so an eerie silence stretched out between them. Nothing disturbed the soundless forest, not even the sounds of birds in the trees or small animals scurrying across the ground.

"It's too quiet!" Sanzo warned.

"Yes, it's unnatural." Hakkai agreed, looking worried.

"He's here!" Sanzo said, looking around. _Where is he-? _They heard a soft rustling in the tree tops, and then dozens of the old man's little throwing blades pierced the ground at their feet.

"Are you satisfied?" The cold voice asked with a laugh. "It's going to be your last talk together." Then, just to show that he'd been listening, he added: "It seems like you all know everything about Cho Gonou's past."

"You have a problem with that?" Sanzo asked. He already knew where this was going. In spite of what anyone else thought, Hakkai's past didn't bother him at all.

"He had compiled massacres without avail for his mis-formed love." Chin Yiso accused.

"What's wrong with that?" Sanzo countered. Again, Hakkai was touched. It reminded him of the time that Sanzo had argued for him in front of the Sanbutsushin, only this time he wasn't confidently standing up to his superiors. He was calmly, and almost meekly, confronting a very real and dangerous threat. His words were sincere and the tone of his voice was edged with worry. Not for his own life, or his mission, the lives of the others, but for Hakkai.

"You have good friends, Cho Gonou." the old man rambled happily. "It's really worth losing, isn't it?"

"I do not care what you say of me, however..." Hakkai said, glaring defiantly at the creepy fortune teller while holding up a hand between him and Sanzo. "I won't ever allow you to lay a single finger on these people." Sanzo was taken by surprise by this sudden action. He hadn't expected Hakkai to step forward and protect him, and he couldn't help but feel concerned at the sound of anger in his voice. He lifted one hand up to rest gently on Hakkai's shoulder in comfort and support.

"So... as long as I don't have to touch, it's going to be okay?" Chin Yiso summarized.

"Wha..." Hakkai said, taken aback by the man's insidious tone.

"The actions up until now have only been a light appetizer- NOW... please show me, your expression of agonizingly suffocating because of over enjoyment." The demon's stare penetrated Hakkai's mind, the cruel intent behind those eyes painfully clear as he chanted the words to some kind of spell.

_This is..._ Hakkai thought, lifting his hands to his head in an effort to block it out. He knew now that Chin Yiso somehow intended to make him kill Sanzo. The overpowering memories of his many murders were invading his mind. _Could it be...? _"ARGH!" he cried.

"HAKKAI?!" Sanzo yelled, quickly becoming alarmed. "HEY! What the hell's..."

"YOU MUSTN'T COME-" Hakkai warned.

"What?"

Hakkai's body lept up on it's own, pouncing on Sanzo and pinning him to the ground with one hand. Then that hand shifted to tightly clasp his neck. "MY ARM..." he cried, as the other hand joined in the choke hold. _IT'S... MOVING ON IT'S OWN... _Sanzo was caught off-guard by the attack, too late his hands came up and gripped Hakkai's wrists in a futile effort to break his hold.

"Such a fragile creature, it's so easy to sneak into one's heart." Chin Yiso said.

"NO..." Hakkai cried, fighting it with all his strength. It might've just been his imagination, but he almost felt like he was able to loosen his grasp just a little. Sanzo didn't gasp for air, he drew it in slowly while pretending he was still choking.

"Why? Murder should be something VERY easy for you. The number of murders that stained your hand, is only increasing by one more." Chin Yiso said. "Had you ever given a thought about... the things I told you?"

"GAH!" Sanzo cried, as Hakkai's hands pressed down on his neck. The hold was so tight, he was starting to see stars.

"UGH..." Hakkai strained, trying to loosen his grip just enough so that Sanzo could still breathe. He had re-gained some control over his body, but given the current situation, he couldn't afford to be too gentle. He had to make his act look convincing.

"Since the time when you changed, I have been taking actions towards it." the old man continued.

"You were dead that time! I killed you with my own hands!" Hakkai said, wishing that the monster were still dead. "Or maybe it was that I didn't know you weren't dead. But, you are no different than before."

Chin Yiso held a mah-jhong tile in his hands and said: "This. Buried... all the injury that you've made in my body. Do you know why such a thing happened?"

_This man... turned his whole body... his whole self... into a shikigami! _Hakkai thought.

"It's in order to see you, Cho Gonou." the creep said, answering his own question. "I used to be the type that didn't get attached to anything. It's the first time I've found interest in someone else."

Distracted by the talking, Hakkai's hands began to tighten. "Stop please..." He wasn't sure if he even had any control anymore. His hands squeezed at the mad man's every command. Was he doing this, or was his enemy? Although his muscles didn't use all of their strength, it was more than enough to choke off Sanzo's air supply. He gasped in vain.

"I want to see your face twist in madness." Chin Yiso continued.

"No..."

"I want to hear you agonized voice."

"NO...!!"

"I want to take everything away and break you!"

His hands tightened down around Sanzo's neck, squeezing so hard that blood flew out of his mouth. "GAHA!!" Sanzo cried, the world around him was going black. Hakkai looked down and the entire neck was compressed. He couldn't feel Sanzo breathing anymore. He finally let go of his hold and Sanzo's hands dropped lifelessly to the side.

"Sa...n...zo...?" He called brokenly. After all his efforts to control himself, _could Sanzo really be...?_ "...ugh..." Looking down at that motionless blood-stained face, he really did appear to be dead. "UWAAAAAAAA!!" Hakkai cried out in unbearable pain, while covering the sides of his head with his hands. Somewhere in the darkness Sanzo heard a voice, it started quietly and then grew louder until it was ringing in his ears. He recognized the sound of that scream as Hakkai, and then his lungs slowly started drawing in air again.

Chin Yiso was distracted by the sounds of hurried footsteps on the grass. "Oh, seems like your companions have come." He put his hand on Hakkai's back, but the man failed to rise at his command. Hakkai was so wracked with grief, he couldn't budge. He had failed Sanzo. In spite of his best efforts, he had misjudged his own grip. Now he felt as though even his will was not his own. "You don't have any power to move yourself? Here, let me help you." Chin Yiso said, taking Hakkai by the hand and pulling him to his feet. Hakkai felt, quiet literally, like a puppet. "Now, let's lose everything."

Gojyo and Goku came running in on the scene, calling for both of them and then yelling at the sight of Sanzo's strangled body. "WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON HERE?!" Gojyo demanded.

"I... I killed him." Hakkai shakily replied.

"Eh...?" Goku said, he was kneeling over Sanzo, looking up in disbelief. Hakkai's leg jumped and gave Goku a kick, sending him flying into the air.

_I'm sorry, _Hakkai thought, _but for what I'm about to do, I need you out of the way. _

"HAKKAI?!" Gojyo protested. He clearly didn't believe it either.

"It's no use." Chin Yiso said. "You can say he's the same as my doll. See?" Chi started gathering in Hakkai's hand.

"STOP IT, HAKKAI!!" Gojyo yelled.

At the last second Hakkai turned around, sending the beam straight into Chin Yiso's body. "WHA...!! You were... sane after all...?!" The moment he was done talking he felt the cold steel muzzle of a gun pressed up against the back of his head.

"The one that's not sane is you." Sanzo said, pulling the trigger.

"SANZO!!" Gojyo yelled. "Damn it!! So it was just an act after all!! Pisses me off."

"I thought it would be like that." Goku said.

"Shut up!" Sanzo demanded, embarrassed by their comments.

"Ahaha, sorry for causing so much trouble." Hakkai apologized, feeling very relieved himself.

"I guess I've been tricked by Cho Gonou's spontaneous acting." Chin Yiso said, seeming perfectly fine in spite of the bullet hole in his forehead.

"He didn't put much force into his fingers." Sanzo said. After all he was certain that if Hakkai really had wanted to choke him to death, he could've done so much sooner. He confidently met the fortune teller's gaze and added: "But before that- if he was going to choke me to death, he would probably die by biting his tongue."

Hakkai was amazed that Sanzo could say something like that, even after the hair-raising experience they'd just been through. He felt like the last one worthy of such confidence. "But really, that was one good act, Sanzo." He said, laughing nervously and clapping at the performance. _You scared the living daylights out of me! _"I thought I'd done it for real, ahaha."

"I'm really going to kill you someday." Sanzo threatened. _That fuckin' hurt, you bastard!_

"So you weren't influenced by my spell?" Chin Yiso asked Hakkai.

"Do you remember? You said that to get into the space of someone's heart is an easy thing to do." As afraid as he had been of the intentions of that spell, Hakkai would never allow himself to harm anyone that he cared about. "Unfortunately, my heart isn't big enough to make a space... so... it's like, "don't take us so lightly, you fuckin' bastard"."

"Did Hakkai just curse?" Gojyo asked, his mouth agape in shock.

"Yeah, so?" Sanzo said. _It's only because he's pissed._

_Hakkai never swears... _Gojyo thought. "That's fuckin' hot."

"Pervert."

"How was that hot?" Goku asked. "I thought it sounded pretty cold."

"Stupid monkey!" Sanzo yelled, hitting him over the head with the paper fan.

Hakkai took a few steps toward Chin Yiso and said: "I'm going to ask you to die again."

"I don't really care about that..." he said. Ranting on about how he didn't think Hakkai's chi attacks would be enough to kill him. He went on to suggest that he take his power limiters off.

Standing there listening, Hakkai couldn't help but think how very sick and tired he was of hearing the manipulative ice-like tone of that voice. He ran up and grabbed the demon's last remaining arm, leaving him open to attack. "There's no need to take off the oppression device." he said. "Chi attacks can be used another way. Three years ago... the place I cut open was right here, wasn't it?" He asked, shoving his fist through the animated corpse to grasp the tile.

"Cho... Go...nou...?" Chin Yiso gasped.

"You're wrong." He said, crushing the tile and then saying something he'd been wanting to say ever since the creep had first shown up. "I am Cho Hakkai!" He whipped his arm to the side, ripping through the fortune teller's dying body.

"Seriously, I've lost my hope on you." He said, collapsing onto Hakkai's chest.

"Thank you very much." Hakkai replied.

"I thought you were going to allow me to have more fun." Chin Yiso continued, his form decaying even as he spoke.

"Unfortunately, I got bored of the self-inflicting style." Hakkai explained. "No matter how much this hand may be bathed in red, blood can be washed away. That's how we're going to live on."

"Ku ku... so it comes to that. I really abhor you from the bottom of my heart, Cho Hakkai." the fortune teller said, falling apart. "A person like you who only has a taste for living. Obstinate hypocrite."

"What a coincidence, I also abhor you as well." Hakkai replied, picking up the last piece of his crumbling hand and throwing it off of his shoulder. "I am not a being... who doesn't have a past or future, like you."

Sanzo stood nearby, watching with a pleased expression on his face. To see Hakkai stand up to this man with such confidence and charisma was something even he hadn't expected. It was an amazing transformation, to see him go from someone who was once crippled by his own self doubt, to the man standing in front of him, telling Chin Yiso to get lost. This is the side of Hakkai that he wanted to see, and he couldn't help but feel proud of his friend for putting his old fears to rest in such a resolute manner. He had known all along that Hakkai would never betray him, but would never have imagined that he would end up showing such courage and strength.

After staring at Hakkai for several minutes, Gojyo turned and noticed the suspicious smile on Sanzo's face. "Hey... exactly what were you two doing alone out here in the woods, anyway?"

Sanzo pulled out his gun and fired a few shots to the side of the perverted kappa's head. "Say that again!" he demanded, pushing the gun into Gojyo's face.

The sound of it made Hakkai jump. After seeing Sanzo fire into Gojyo's chest earlier, he really didn't want to be reminded of that. "Sanzo... if you would please refrain from shooting at Gojyo for awhile, I would greatly appreciate it."

"Tch... the bastard was asking for it." Sanzo replied.

"What did he do this time?"

"He said something perverted about the two of us being alone in the woods."

"Oh, is that the case?" Hakkai asked. "Feel free to shoot at him then."

"Wha- Hakkai! That's fuckin' cold!" Gojyo protested.

"See, I told you!" Goku said.

"Shut up, baka saru!" Sanzo yelled, whacking him over the head with his paper fan again.


	8. Chapter 8 Live

**Live**

"Three years ago, on that day you looked up at me in the heavy rain, you had eyes that were asking me to kill you." Gojyo said. He could remember it clearly, as though it had only happened yesterday. He never thought he'd see that kind of look in someone else's eyes. "That's why I helped you. I'm not a kind person that'll let someone that's wanting to die, die so easily."

"Gojyo..." Hakkai said. He knew that it was really a very kind thing that he had done.

"And, what about right now?" Gojyo interrupted. "You don't have a face that's saying you're ready to die any day."

"Right now... let's see." Hakkai trailed off, trying to find the words to describe how good he finally felt about living. He held his hand up and looked at the lines running across his palm. "I'm wishing that this life line was a little bit longer." _If you'll forgive me, Kanan... just a little bit longer. I hope to live for my sake._

"Eh, what? Hakkai's life line's short?" Goku asked, after sneaking up behind him and grabbing his hand.

"Whoa, you scared me!" Hakkai protested.

"Then let's... JUST DO THIS!" He said, using a marker to extend the line all the way down to Hakkai's wrist.

"Hey saru!!! Clean up the stuff you've messed up!" Sanzo called.

"Oops!" Goku said, running off to go do as Sanzo asked.

"Ha ha... idiot!" Gojyo laughed.

"What should I do?" Hakkai asked, staring down at the mark in confusion. "This is a permanent marker."

"Yep, it's a permanent marker."

"It won't come off."

"Yep, it won't." Gojyo replied. "Isn't that alright?"

"You're right." Hakkai agreed. Sanzo and Goku were already headed back into the jeep, arguing along the way about what kind of food they were going to eat when they got to the next town. Thanks to the cast on his leg, the monkey was able to climb into the back of the jeep just fine. Gojyo and Hakkai got off the hood of Hakuryu while Sanzo sat down on the passenger side of the vehicle.

"How long will it take until we reach the next town?" he asked.

"According to the map, it shouldn't be more than half a day's drive ahead." Hakkai replied.

"We might have to stay there for awhile." Sanzo said, glancing back at the cast covering Goku's leg.

"I think it would be best for all of us to get a little rest." Hakkai agreed. Then he revved up the engine and stepped on the gas. It was a beautiful day, the sun was shining brightly in the azure sky and the grass and leaves on the trees was a bright and verdant green. It was the first time in so many years that he truly felt that it was a wonderful thing to be alive. His past, and all the painful memories that came along with it, had been dragging him down for so long that he now felt as though a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. No longer did he feel as though he were under condemnation for his sins, or that he had to make atonement in some way. In the absence of all the guilt that had been plaguing his mind, there was now a profound sense of peace and gladness.

After hours on the road Sanzo could no longer pretend not to notice, during his occasional glances over at Hakkai, that sincere and joyful smile. It was quite a change, and a very welcome one at that. Seeing that expression on his face, it was almost addictive. He couldn't help but smile a bit himself, although he kept it hidden as well as he could. Luckily, it was easy enough to hide it form the idiots in the back, and if Hakkai saw it, then he really didn't care. He had been worried about the troubled youth for a long time, but now it seemed that the cause of his worries was gone.

Hakkai was lost in thought for awhile, but as his mind cleared he also noticed those few half-hidden smiles. It was unlike Sanzo, but then again the entire incident with Chin Yiso had ruffled all of their feathers in some way. Still, there was something else off about him. The way he held his neck at a certain angle, it almost looked as though it were painful. _I wonder..._ Hakkai thought. He knew that his grasp had been tighter than Sanzo let on. He was just downplaying the issue in order to look good and put everyone else at ease. He wasn't going to let Sanzo get away with that. It was definitely something he intended to address, but only once they got checked into an inn at the next town. For the time being, it was better to leave things as they were and allow everyone a little bit of time to relax.

Now that he thought about it, what Sanzo had done earlier was also highly unusual. Even if he had been surprised by the initial attack, Hakkai never would have imagined that he would be one to even so much as pretend to lay down and die. Not for anyone. Certainly not for someone like him. If he had really wanted to, he would have found some way to get Hakkai off. But instead of that, he simply played along. Hakkai had rather expected Sanzo not to trust someone so much, especially considering that person had once gone into a vengeful rampage and slaughtered thousands of demons for no better reason than to avenge a lost lover. Not that Sanzo blamed him for the sins of his past, but quite the opposite as he constantly defended Hakkai in his position. Even so, he had always seemed distrustful before. What had changed since then? Was it simply because of the situation they were in?

These questions floated through his head as the sun sank down in the sky. No matter how many times he considered them, he didn't come any closer to finding an answer. By the time the burning golden orb fell low enough to caress the edges of the earth, he could distinctly see the outline of buildings on the horizon. They came into the town, had a large meal at a restaurant in the middle of the square, and then went to go find rooms at the inn. It was a quiet little town, and it seemed that there were no other travelers in the area so they had no problem getting separate rooms. Sanzo, of course, was overly anxious to turn in for the night. Even Gojyo decided to eschew the town's bar. It was while they were walking to their rooms that he pulled Hakkai over and said: "Hey, you wanna give me a little company once these guys are asleep?"

"Oh..." Hakkai's train of thought was derailed by the suggestion. "I would be happy to accompany you to your room, but..." he paused to look over at the door to Sanzo's room. "I have something I need to take care of first."

"Tch... what do you have to talk to that holy prick about?" Gojyo asked.

"It's just something I noticed earlier." Hakkai explained.

"Hakkai..." Gojyo called, holding him there for a moment. "Did you really... think that you had killed him back there?"

"Only for a moment. Ahahaha." Hakkai replied, laughing nervously. "But... I think things turned out well enough, don't you?"

Gojyo smirked at the comment. "Sure." he replied, quite pleased that Hakkai had defended his position instead of waiting until Gojyo had to remind him not to be so hard on himself. _That is a change..._ he thought. _I'm gonna have to get me a piece of that._ "I'd really feel better if you didn't have to talk to the bastard. But... I guess you won't listen to what I say anyway."

"Does it bother you that much?" Hakkai asked.

"It's just..." Gojyo trailed off, trying to find the right words. "Lately, you seem to be kinda moody after talking to him."

"Well, right now... I really don't have anything to feel bad about." Hakkai replied.

"That's true." Gojyo agreed, with a pleased smile. "Well, I'll be in my room waitin' for ya then." he added with a flirtatious wink. "Hurry up!" Hakkai smiled and watched him turn to go into the room, then he walked over to knock on Sanzo's door.

"What?" The grouchy reply came floating through the hardwood.

Hakkai cracked the door open just a few inches. "Is it okay if I come in?"

"Fine." was the reply. Hakkai opened the door and Sanzo was lounging on his bed, wearing nothing but his jeans, his reading glasses, and the black shirt he always had underneath his robe. He was casually smoking a cigarette and reading his paper as a method of relaxing before he went to sleep. "Is there something you want?"

"Just a moment of your time." Hakkai answered. He closed the door behind him and walked over to the bed. There were still so many different questions and thoughts floating around in his head, he really wasn't certain where to start.

"What is it?" Sanzo asked, looking up from his paper. In spite of his typical impatience, he didn't seem terribly annoyed.

"Do you remember when I said: "I thought I'd done it for real?"" Hakkai asked. "I really... wasn't joking. For a moment, I honestly-"

"Tch..." Sanzo said, suddenly impatient. "You really think that I would die that easily?"

"It's not that, it's just..." he trailed off, wondering how to put this. He noticed a wooden chair to his side and pulled it over to sit down. "I did such a good job of acting according to that man's commands," _there were times when I couldn't really tell if I was in control._ "I think..."_ Even when I was, I wasn't sure if I was holding back enough._ "I actually fooled myself as well."

"It's like I said..." Sanzo insisted while taking the glasses off. Since he was looking across the room at Hakkai, they were no longer needed. "...you didn't put much force into your fingers."

"If that's the case, then...." Hakkai paused, changing his tone from being serious to one of saccharine insinuation. "Please, feel free to take off your shirt if you'd like."

"You... bastard!" Sanzo grumbled, annoyed that the sharp young man had realized that he was hiding something underneath the turtleneck and had the gall to call him on his bluff. "I don't have any open wounds for you to close, so there's no need for you to see it."

"Even so..." Hakkai persisted. Knowing that Sanzo was hiding something, he had to see how bad the injury was.

"You really wanna see it that badly?" Sanzo asked. "Fine." He didn't feel like pulling the collar down, so he decided to just take the whole thing off. It was bothering him anyway. He set his cigarette down in an ashtray and pulled the fabric out of his pants, dragging the tight shirt up over his body and off of his head. He pushed the resulting crumpled black mess off of his arms and said: "There. Are you happy... you masochistic bastard?"

It was all Hakkai could do to stop from gasping at the deep, dark purple and black marks winding all around at the base of the other man's neck. Some areas were dented in while others were raised and swollen. With damage this severe, the inside of his windpipe was probably bruised as well. Hakkai stood up and cautiously stepped forward, brushing the warped flesh with the tips of his fingers. He knew that it would be bad, but he wasn't quite prepared for this. "I'm... so sorry...."

"Stop it." Sanzo ordered, swatting his hand away. He couldn't stand the startled look in those wide-open eyes.

"But, Sanzo...!"

"Enough!" he yelled. The last thing he wanted was for Hakkai to feel guilty about it. "You didn't take my life, did you?! And if you're stupid enough to actually think that you could-"

"Aha ha ha ha!" Hakkai laughed, it was funny. Not only to see Sanzo so embarrassed, but for him to actually be worried about Hakkai, even after being wounded by him in such a way.

"Hakkai! What the hell...?!"

"I'm sorry." he apologized, returning to his seat. "It's just that... I didn't realize that I'd done such an effective job of "pretending"."

"Shut up."

"I suppose the blood flying out of your mouth wasn't an act either."

"I actually did black out for a moment." Sanzo finally admitted, seeing that his tough act was useless at this point. He noticed the shocked look on Hakkai's face and added: "Then you woke me up with your obnoxious screaming."

"I see." Hakkai replied nervously. "It's just... so unlike you. You -quite literally- put your life in my hands." Then he looked down at those hands. Although no longer covered in blood, they were still the hands of a murderer. "Is that really alright?"

"It's not like I wasn't surprised by your sudden attack in the first place." Sanzo countered. "I wasn't expecting that."

"You could have pushed me off, you know." Hakkai offered. "We could've found some other way to take that guy off guard."

"Nope, didn't wanna." Sanzo obstinately replied. _Besides, that method was definitely the most effective._

"Why must it always be: 'everything the hard way' with you?" Hakkai asked. _You're such a brat._

"Shut up!" Sanzo replied. "Sadistic bastard, it was your idea!"

"That's true, but... you submitted to it." Hakkai teased.

"So what?"

"Then, I suppose... that you don't mind it when I'm on top. Hahaha."

"Why you-!" Sanzo growled, so frustrated he could barely speak.

"AHAHAHAHA!" Hakkai laughed.

"I'm gonna- fuckin' kill you... damn it!" Sanzo threatened. Hakkai just kept on laughing. As if the monk's apparent frustration wasn't proof enough of his embarrassment, his cheeks were getting flushed as well. "SHUT UP!" Sanzo yelled. "If you wanna laugh, then go back to your own room! And I mean YOUR OWN ROOM because I'll be damned if I have to wake up to the sounds of you and your fuck-buddy rocking the bed again!" Unfortunately the comment had the opposite effect that he had intended. Instead of offending Hakkai, it sent him into an even more intense fit of laughter. He laughed so hard that he toppled over and started rolling across the floor. "Hakkai... you fuckin'- bastard."

Sanzo finally gave up trying to make Hakkai stop, and instead he sat back down on the bed to light up a cigarette and finish reading his paper. Hakkai laughed and laughed until his sides were sore. He couldn't remember the last time he'd laughed so hard. The angry, stubborn, self-centered guise which Sanzo used to hide his true embarrassment and vulnerability was just the funniest thing. "I'm sorry." he apologized, finally pulling himself off the ground. He stood up for a moment and then sat back down in the chair again.

"You've been spending way too much time with that idiot kappa." Sanzo said. _Sleeping with that bastard is corrupting you._

"You think so?"

"His perverted sense of humor is starting to rub off."

"Somehow I think..." Hakkai mused, "that if Gojyo were here, he would've said something much worse."

"I don't want to hear about that!" Sanzo complained, ruffling his paper in annoyance. "I've already had enough of his obnoxious comments! Anyway... if that's all you wanted, then I'm tired."

"Actually, there was one more thing..." Hakkai said. Although many of his questions had been answered, he really hadn't gotten to the underlying cause of Sanzo's strange behavior. "Even though I know that you wanted to defeat Chin Yiso very badly, and you probably felt as though you didn't have any other choice..." _but, you really had a choice the whole time. You could have abandoned me. You could have taken the others, or... at least Goku... and left me to confront that demon on my own. But, for some reason, you didn't._ "Why did you trust me so much?" _Even though I was uncertain..._ "When you said that I wouldn't ever betray you, it was almost like you knew that it was true... even before I knew it myself."

"Of course I did." Sanzo replied, making only a half-hearted attempt at sounding annoyed. His cigarette had nearly burnt down to the filter, so he snuffed it out and put down his paper. "The cause of all your pain and suffering... your guilty conscience, and even all of your 'sin'... was losing someone who was important to you, am I right?"

"Sanzo..."

"You don't think I know what that feels like?"

"I.... Of course." Hakkai replied, humbly.

"After all the effort you went through to protect her, you wouldn't make the same mistake twice." Sanzo said. _Even if it is just my self-assured nature saying this, I know that my trust in you was not misplaced._

"You're right." Hakkai agreed. _I guess I had underestimated you... or perhaps, I simply wasn't paying attention. _"It's strange, but... I never thought that you trusted any of us very much." _Not only myself, but the others as well. _"In fact, as recent as the fight with Rikudo... I thought that you wouldn't be terribly concerned even if we did all keel over and die."

"You know, for someone of intelligence..." Sanzo said, drawing another cigarette out of his pack, "you don't seem to realize- not everyone thinks like you." _That really isn't it at all._

"What?" Hakkai asked, honestly confused by the comment.

"Although we both lost someone before... the one person who made up our entire lives, our thinking about those situations is different." he explained, pausing to light up. Hakkai listened rather curiously, wondering where Sanzo was going with this. "They took her when your back was turned, and hid her in a cell. Even though she died before your eyes, the bars were there to prevent you." _Otherwise, there is no doubt, you would have saved her. _"On that day..."_ Do I really want to say this? _he asked himself. _I really don't, but... it's too late to stop._ "Before my master..."_ before he was slaughtered that day..._ "he... put a spell on me." He could never forget the feeling, standing there paralyzed. _This man, who was like a father to me... I wanted so much to protect him. _"I begged him to take it off, but..." _he would not. He wouldn't let me.... _

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said, startled by the new information. _Then, both of us were left powerless to do anything but stand and watch._

"In the end I was standing there, immobilized..." _while he was ripped apart in front of me! _Sanzo had to pause and take a hit of his cigarette to steady his nerves before he continued. "Someone like you is afraid of being pushed aside or deserted, afraid of being left alone..." he explained, "but for me, the most troublesome thing... is to think of someone dying while I am right next to them."

"Sanzo." Hakkai said. _I see. Even though we are both afraid of losing those we care for... the most difficult thing for you, is to trust someone, isn't it? Yet, you still struggle against that fear. How hard it must be for you. _After all, it had been a long time since his predecessor died. _After being alone all that time... you're not really afraid of being alone, are you?_ Even though Goku was around, he was often just as much a burden as a comfort. Certainly, not enough to satisfy the loss of that one person upon whom Sanzo had depended. _Then, I suppose that it's easier for you to push people away. _Hakkai concluded. _While I can't really say that I currently share that view, I also cannot say that I've never felt what it is like._

"The reason that I wouldn't fight with you guys that day wasn't because I didn't trust you." Sanzo explained. _It was because, for a moment,_ "I wanted something... that I didn't have to protect."

"I... understand." Hakkai replied. _But then, Goku's inattention ruined it for you. _He understood now why Sanzo had jumped in front of Rikudo's attack that day._ I guess that in a way, we're the same. _He thought, _afterall Gojyo, although he is troublesome... I do love him. _His thoughts trailed off as he wondered: _Am I troublesome too? _He wondered about the fight with Chin Yiso._ It really must've killed you to stand by and watch, waiting for me to make a move and stand up for myself..._ Hakkai thought, wondering once again why Sanzo had done so. Sanzo hadn't seemed to be concerned about the others at that point, or even for his own life. _You were really... afraid of losing me that day, weren't you?_

Hakkai thought of Sanzo's words that day, standing up for him and dismissing the sins of his past as though they were nothing. All in a tone of voice so calm and assured, so unlike the angry, vindictive tone that he often expressed, that he knew that those words were sincere. He had defended Hakkai against all his critics, against the justice of the gods, and even against the destructive behaviors within himself. _Why... _he couldn't help but wonder, _are you always... doing such selfless things for me? _"Sanzo... if I can ask just one more question, then I'll let you rest for the night."

"Then hurry up." Sanzo said impatiently. His body really was starting to feel drained, and all of these sentimental conversations certainly didn't help.

"Why... did you save me, those three years ago?"

"Hakkai..." Sanzo protested, hanging his head and groaning wearily. _It just had to be a question like that, didn't it? _Even if Hakkai pressed him for an answer, he really didn't know what to say.

"I know that you have never condemned me for my past sins. You stood up for me... in part, because of the vengeance you took upon those who killed your master. However..." _there is one thing that I never understood... _"as for my self-inflicting nature... you've always... loathed it." Hakkai confessed. He was feeling embarrassed, even though he was certain that, for the most part, that constant nagging guilt was gone. _You couldn't stand being around someone like me. The fact is, I knew that you were avoiding me. All those years, you never came to visit unless the Sanbutsushin had sent you on a mission. _"Perhaps it is because your will is so strong..." Hakkai mused. "but, I highly doubt... that there was ever a moment in your life... when you -truly- wanted to die."

Sanzo exhaled his breath, put off by the statement. It was such an inaccurate assumption, it almost made him want to laugh. He had never expected to confront something like this, and yet here it was staring him in the face. _What can I say now? _He wondered. He couldn't let Hakkai go on thinking something like that, knowing that it was a farce. _Even though the last thing I want is to talk about this... _Before he spoke, Sanzo turned his head to the side, he couldn't bring himself to look Hakkai in the face anymore. "You... would be surprised."

"What?" Hakkai asked, was definitely taken aback. _Does this mean...?_

"I guess... I might as well just answer both of your questions at once." Sanzo said, reluctant to the point of becoming angry. However, having started along this path, he knew he wasn't able to turn away from it so easily. _Damn it, I'm just like that stupid water sprite. _"Everything that I've done... it was not for your benefit. It was all really, for my own selfish purposes, that I saved you." _In the end, I was the one who wanted to be saved. _"Do you remember what I told you about my predecessor? How after his life was taken, I became his successor and ran down the mountain?"

"Yes, I remember it clearly." Hakkai answered.

"After five days of endless walking, I was attacked by a small group of thieves." Sanzo began. Hakkai snapped to attention, wondering how many other details of his past Sanzo had conveniently omitted in all the prior conversations they'd shared. "I fought them off by hand at first, but... I was tired and they beat me to the ground." He could remember the sheer terror he felt, lying there helpless while surrounded by these men. "Then, one of them said that I had a face like a girl, and told the others to hold me down."Hakkai's eyes went wide in shock at the thought."He grabbed ahold of my leg, and then..." Sanzo pulled the short-barreled revolver out of his robes and softly fingered the trigger. "I shot a hole in that bastard's head."

Hakkai breathed an audible sigh of relief. "I never would have thought...."

"It doesn't end there." Sanzo said. _I was so scared, and then... _He could remember the rage that built up inside of him. "After his friends ran away, I unloaded the rest of the bullets into his skull." After a moment, it got awfully quiet in the room. Sanzo looked up as though expecting Hakkai to say something, but he seemed to have been rendered speechless. "He was a human, Hakkai, the first person I killed."

_Sanzo. _Hakkai thought. _For you to do something like that.... _"What are you trying to say?"

"For four years I was searching for my master's sutra." Sanzo continued."On the way, I was constantly attacked by groups of people wanting to kill me."_ Then, just to survive... I killed them. _"Humans, demons, it was all the same." _Everyone who stood in my way... I killed them all. _"It was easy, taking their lives. I don't even remember how many I killed." _But... what did I kill them for? _He could remember piles of bodies laying at his feet, their blood everywhere. "All alone on this journey, hunted wherever I went." _The only thing I wanted was someone... _He wasn't even sure what he wanted someone for. Was it someone to talk to, or perhaps to comfort him? Someone that would somehow be able to make the nightmare end. _I would have accepted anyone, but... _"All I saw was death."

Hakkai was stunned. He couldn't say anything, he couldn't even mange to figure out what to think. _So young... and you were all alone. Surrounded by enemies on every side. Living like that for years... _In comparison, his own trials seemed so small all of a sudden.

"I didn't have anyone left to protect." _like you did. _Sanzo thought."I killed them all for the sole purpose of saving this life." _This life... which had become so meaningless. _He didn't even have any idea how many lives had been taken to preserve his own. "The weight of that guilt..." _the loneliness... _He could never forget the way it felt, having no one but himself, standing alone in the midst of all the people he'd killed._ ...the madness and despair... _"it was too much..." Just like the young version of himself in his memory, Sanzo's fingers closed around the handle of the gun and he brought it up to point the barrel at his own temple. "...for this life." _I wanted it all to end._

"SANZO!" Hakkai cried. He was sitting there watching with eyes wide-open in horror, and wet with emotion. "You didn't-!"

"I wonder why..." Sanzo mused, lowering the gun back into his lap. _Selected because it was small enough that I could point it at my own head. _He stared at it as though it was his first time ever looking at the thing. "I never did pull the trigger."

"You never told me!" Hakkai accused, tears streaming down his face.

"I never told anyone." Sanzo replied absently. "You're the first."

"All this time..." Hakkai said. _To keep a secret such as this... after all of the things you've done for me, so selflessly... even though you would insist that you were really being selfish. _To think that all those times Sanzo had helped him, trusted him, and pulled him out of the darkness. He couldn't imagine how much it must have hurt him. _Just to look at me... feeling guilt over something so selfish. How could you...?_

"Hakkai...." Sanzo interrupted. "Don't make me regret it." Not that he expected Hakkai to say anything, but he had to make it clear that he didn't want anyone else to know. He simply could not face up to this in front of that idiot monkey and the lecherous kappa.

"I-I won't." Hakkai answered. _All this time... what you really wanted, was to save me from a small part of the despair that you once felt, but.... _Sanzo had been so much younger when it happened to him, and he had lived that way for so much longer. _Killing people for all those years, and yet... you never had anyone else to share that burden. _Hakkai couldn't help but wonder, looking up at the empty, grief-stricken expression on Sanzo's face. _Is it because you wanted someone...? _Resolute in his decision, Hakkai stood up from his chair and took the few steps remaining between himself and the bed. He knelt down on the mattress, so that he could look into those deep, tormented, amethyst eyes. Sanzo turned his head the other way, cowering at the thought of directly confronting this.

_Are you really so afraid? _Hakkai wondered. "After all that you have done for me..." _lecturing me about my self-doubt, and forcing me to see that death changes nothing... you gave me so much. _"...if there is ever a time when you want something..." _even if it is just a shoulder to cry on... _"then, please... allow me to be that person."

_I... don't want..._ Sanzo thought. The memories of that night were so vivid that he couldn't speak. In his mind, he saw the image of his master, lying there on the floor. Motionless. Breathless. His blood, everywhere. _There is... no meaning in life. _His thoughts were interrupted by the gentle touch of Hakkai's hand on his shoulder. "I don't want any of your sympathy!" he cried, slapping the hand away.

"But, Sanzo...!" Hakkai protested. He was hurt, but looking at the expression on the other man's face, it seemed as if he were about to break down any second. _I have to be strong for him now. _"You said... that when you saved me, you did it for your own selfish purposes."

"What?"

"Maybe this time... it's my turn to be selfish." Hakkai said. He forcefully put his hand around Sanzo's back and pulled him in toward his chest. "It's... alright, Sanzo."

Sanzo felt like he was frozen, in time, in space. His body couldn't move, and as for his mind... it was in the past, standing alone in the room where his master had died. _I... lost everything. _He thought, looking down at the lifeless body. In a place where he was surrounded by people who were constantly condemning him, ceaselessly digging a pit for him because of their jealousy, Master Koumyou Sanzo was the only one to calmly guide him towards his strengths. Once he was gone, young Kouryu was surrounded by nothing but ridicule and derision. He could easily stand up to the other idiot monks in the temple, but his true emptiness was displayed only after he left.

Searching around the surrounding countryside for years, killing everyone who came for him. He had to admit that he was scared at first, at the sight of so much death. Then his anger took over, consuming whatever was left of his humanity until he became an emotionless killing machine, fit for nothing more than to wipe his attackers from existence. No matter how many of them he killed, it didn't accomplish anything. It didn't mean anything, and he knew that it would never bring his master back. _For this life... which has become meaningless to me. _Covered in the blood of those whose lives he'd taken, he lifted the gun to his own head... and then he stood there. _Frozen... with what? Fear? Indecision? _Even after taking so many lives, he still couldn't bring himself to end his own. With tears flowing from his eyes, he finally lowered the gun.

At first, when Sanzo failed to move, Hakkai thought it was because he was frozen in anger. He fully expected to be pushed, slapped, or somehow punished for having the audacity to try and comfort Sanzo in his time of need. But as moments passed, nothing happened. Sanzo laid there in his chest completely motionless, and then he felt the clinging sensation of moisture seeping through his shirt. He brushed one hand over Sanzo's cheek, and it came back slick with tears. _But... he never made a sound!_ Hakkai hadn't heard anything, not a single sob or cry of pain, even Sanzo's breathing remained steady and seemingly unchanged. Yet his eyes leaked, a fountain of sorrow.

"Sanzo..." he held the back of the man's head in one hand, and wrapped the other arm around his back. "it's alright... I promise." He continued to hold Sanzo, cradling him in such a tender, gentle way. It was almost the same as a mother holding her newborn child.

Sanzo probably would have slapped Hakkai, if he'd been in his right mind. If he were his usual self, he'd probably be angry as hell. If he had possession of any of his wits he would fly into a vicious rage, flailing about and pushing Hakkai as far away as he possibly could. But, he wasn't in his right mind, at all. The memories of his past sapped his strength, until even his most instinctive defenses failed. He wondered, _Is this what I wanted? _All those years ago, with no one to comfort him, he had simply kept going. Continuing on his search for his late master's missing scripture, with nothing to dull the overwhelming ache of emptiness that was slowly consuming him. Now, buried in this warm, gentle embrace, the pain of that day was lessened somehow.

He finally pushed himself up off of Hakkai's chest and wiped all the wetness off his face. His mind was so full of thoughts, and something even more confusing to him, emotions. Although he wanted to say something, he couldn't think of a single word that would adequately describe what he was feeling now. He felt so defenseless, and vulnerable, he hated feeling this way. _I don't understand you at all, Hakkai. How do you deal with things like this? _

"Sanzo... are you feeling any better?"

"If you ever do that again, I'll kill you."

"Ah, I'll take that as an affirmative answer!" Hakkai said, happily.

"Shut up!" Sanzo replied, feeling embarrassed. "I'm tired. Go play with your boyfriend already!"

"Well, if you insist...." Hakkai agreed, smiling warmly as he got up and walked across the room. He really was quite relieved. Seeing Sanzo so tormented by his past, it just didn't suit him at all. Hakkai had just barely cracked the door open when he was stopped by the sound of that voice.

"Hakkai...."

"Yes?"

"Thank you."

Hakkai looked over his shoulder with a charmingly deceptive smile. "You're welcome, Sanzo."

It wasn't until Hakkai had walked out of the room and closed the door that Sanzo muttered to himself: "You fuckin' bastard."


	9. Chapter 9 Little Death

**Little Death**

As soon as the door was closed, Hakkai leaned up against it and let out a relieved sigh. _What a difficult person. _He thought. He never would have imagined that Sanzo, who was usually so stubborn and conceited, could possibly have had an experience in the past where he surrendered to such absolute despair. _I think I understand now, why you couldn't bare to be around me all those years. It's because, I reminded you of yourself that time. You really wanted nothing more than to forget about that, didn't you? _Even though it was Sanzo's way of dealing with things, shoving such an important unresolved issue to the back of one's mind and refusing to deal with it was never an effective strategy. _I swear, Sanzo... in some ways, I think you're even worse than me._

"HEY!" Gojyo cried, slamming the door to his room as it flung open. "What the fuck took you so long!? Damn it, Hakkai! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?"

"I guess I lost track of time. Ahahaha."

"LOST TRACK OF TIME?!" Gojyo complained. "Sheesh! Get your ass in here already!" He angrily stormed back into his room, leaving the door open for Hakkai to follow him. Hakkai did as he was told and walked into the room, closing the door behind him. Gojyo was sitting on the edge of the bed looking pretty annoyed, so Hakkai pulled up a chair and sat across from him. "What the hell were you guys doing in there anyway?" Gojyo asked. "First I heard you guys yelling about something, then I heard you laughing your ass off- then there was more arguing, and after that... things were suspiciously quiet for awhile."

"We were just talking about some things that happened today..." Hakkai explained, "along with some things from the past." A part of him still couldn't believe what he'd learned. To see Sanzo holding his own gun to his head like that... the very same gun that he'd used to kill so many others. It was just, so unreal. If he didn't know any better, Hakkai would almost think that Sanzo was trying to pull some kind of ruse on him. _However, there's no way that what I saw and heard in that room was a lie._

"How's the shitty priest's neck?" Gojyo asked.

"Oh..." Hakkai said, the unexpected question interrupting his thoughts. "It's alright." Then Gojyo gave him an incredulous look and he had to change his story. "Actually, it's... very badly bruised." _I think I almost crushed his windpipe._ "But, it will heal in time."

"I thought so." Gojyo said. "It was when you said, "I killed him." like that. Then I knew... you really thought that he was dead. If that wasn't true... if it really was all a planned act, then you would've said something else. You would've at least pretended to be afraid to say something like that. It was because you seemed honest about it that I knew that you thought it was true."

"I guess... I'm pretty obvious after all." Hakkai said, laughing in embarrassment. "Ahaha."

"Nah... it's just that I know ya too well." Gojyo said with a wink. "Didn't seem to fool the monkey though, I guess that's just because he knows his owner."

Hakkai thought it more likely that it was due to Goku's child-like trust in him. Then, there was also the fact that he seemed able to sense the difference between the living and the dead. After all, he had been the one to notice that Chin Yiso wasn't really alive. _I really believed that I had killed you, Sanzo. _He thought, looking down at his own hands in remembrance of the way they strangled his neck. _Even though I did almost kill you, you never let me feel guilty about it whatsoever._

"Anyway...." Gojyo said, getting up from his spot. He walked over to where Hakkai was and stood in front of his chair. "You shouldn't worry about it too much." He leaned down and gave Hakkai a kiss, gently caressing those luscious lips with his own before he started prodding deeper into that juicy mouth with his tongue. Hakkai groaned into his mouth, and then their tongues danced together, thrusting and then retreating, sliding around inside the slick, torrid environment.

_You're always... trying to keep me from blaming myself, aren't you? _Hakkai thought. _Between you and Sanzo, I swear.... _But where Sanzo's manner of silencing his doubts was harsh and unyielding, Gojyo's was kind and caring. He was always there with a word of encouragement, a flirtatious smile, and a welcome diversion from his ceaseless contemplation of events. _Gojyo... what would I do without you? _Hakkai wondered. Considering the fact that he almost had lost Gojyo just the other day, it was a question he'd been asking himself a lot. He pulled out of their lingering kiss and said: "Shouldn't an injured man be lying in bed?" before kicking Gojyo back onto the mattress.

"Oof!" Gojyo grunted, sprawled across the sheets. "You're jus' using that as an excuse 'cause you wanna be on top!"

Hakkai got up and walked over to the bed, climbing carefully on top of his partner. "That's true..." he admitted, silencing the dispute with a long, hard kiss, _but, you don't really seem to mind. _Gojyo moaned passionately at the pleasant surprise and laid still while Hakkai's tongue persistently invaded his mouth. He could feel those skillful hands drifting over his body, pulling the jacket off of his shoulders and pushing the shirt up over his chest. Hakkai broke the kiss to say: "But, really Gojyo... I'd feel much better if you took it easy for awhile. "

"It's like I already said..." Gojyo answered, while pulling the vest down off his arms and then lifting the shirt up over his head, "...my body and 'it' are built strong." He threw the clothes onto a heap on the bed and then started undoing his belt. "Wanna see?"

"Gojyo..." Hakkai moaned in disappointment, letting his head drop to the sheets. "I was trying to have a sincere moment with you... and you ruined it with your dirty joke."

"Oh. Sorry."

"Besides, you really had me worried that day." Hakkai said, lifting himself back up so that he could watch his hand trace over the wound on Gojyo's chest. "When I watched that thing shoot into your body, I almost felt as though it had pierced my heart as well."

"Hakkai..." Gojyo trailed off. He was going to say something about how lame that comment was, but the look on that pretty face was just so serious.

"Gojyo... I almost lost you."

"Ya didn't lose me." Gojyo said, holding the hand that Hakkai had resting on his chest.

"I was so scared!" Hakkai cried, burying his face in the blankets again. The sound of his sobbing rang in Gojyo's ears.

"Hey..." Gojyo said, wrapping one arm around his back and patting him gently, "do I really have to say it? I won't die that easily."

"I know that." Hakkai replied. "It's just..." He couldn't seem to describe in words how he felt that day. At first, he was unable to protect Gojyo from the sudden attack. Then he was powerless to do anything as the blood-thirsty seed started growing in his veins. He watched all the while, knowing that this was his fault. The only reason any of it had happened was because some homicidal lunatic was after him. Then came the resounding boom of Sanzo's gun. _I had to stand by and watch you scream in pain, looking down at the blood pouring from that hole in your chest, soaking your shirt. _Feeling so afraid for Gojyo's life, it took all that he had just to close the wound.

Hakkai really didn't have to say anything. Gojyo already knew how he had felt that day. He could remember well the wide-eyed look of horror, he thought it wasn't fitting for such a pretty face. Even while his own body was racked with pain, the one thing he was most worried about was how it would all affect Hakkai. He couldn't stand to see him suffer like that. _I've been wanting to hold you ever since that time... _Gojyo thought, _I guess, you're probably feeling the same way. _Somehow his mouth was recaptured by Hakkai, plunged into by the insistent, passionate caress of his tongue. Then there were those fingers, nimbly drifting over his chest. That smooth, sensual touch. No matter how many times he felt it, it never failed to make his skin burn and his cock swell with excitement.

Hakkai abruptly broke the kiss and let his mouth trail down Gojyo's jawline and onto his neck. There he licked and sucked at the rough, salty flesh. He knew this person's body like it was his own. He'd memorized every line and curve, and knew exactly which parts ached for his attention. He skillfully manipulated the situation, softly brushing over the skin to create arousal, then making firmer movements to satisfy that need. "Fuck... Hakkai!" Gojyo gasped.

"Shh." Hakkai warned. "We should really... try to keep it down this time."

"Yeah..." Gojyo agreed. "I think last time, our sounds of passion bothered Sanzo-sama."

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"The number of rounds he shot at me after you went down for a nap."

"Ahahaha." Hakkai laughed. He would've said something like: _That certainly sounds like Sanzo..._ but, he really didn't want to think about Sanzo right now. Sanzo was distracting, and the only thing he wanted to focus on right now was the tall, sensuous man sprawled out underneath him. His mouth returned to sucking softly on that delicious patch of skin, wandering down to the collarbone beneath it. He could hear soft gasps from Gojyo's throat, interrupted by his heavy breathing as he made an obvious effort to keep quiet. Hakkai's fingers sank down toward his lover's sculpted abs while his mouth inched it's way down to the wound in his chest. He kissed the tender area softly with closed lips before opening his mouth and touching it gently with his tongue.

"Hakkai...." Gojyo said softly, burying one hand in that shock of brown hair.

"Please... be more careful."

"Yeah." After that Hakkai shifted to the right, and sucked hard on Gojyo's nipple. "GAH!"

"Shh!" Hakkai warned, teasing the exposed nub with his lips for a moment before slightly grazing it with his teeth.

"Damn it..." Gojyo softly hissed. "You're makin' it real hard to stay quiet, Hakkai!"

"Is that the only thing I'm making hard?" Hakkai teased, reaching down to grope at the crotch of his lover's pants. His hand rested on something so firm and enlarged that it threatened to bust the fabric and pop out of those pants. "Ah, I guess not! Hahaha."

"Hey, while you're down there..." Gojyo said suggestively.

Hakkai pushed him self up to a sitting position, straddling Gojyo's legs as he undid the belt that Gojyo had only succeeded in loosening earlier. "Oh, that reminds me..." he said, unbuttoning his trousers and pulling down the zipper. "Grab a few condoms, would you?"

"Yeah, gimme a sec." Gojyo said, twisting his upper half over the side of the bed. His hands fumbled for the little shoe box he'd kept the things in ever since they'd started on their trip, and he found it and pulled off the lid. "Damn it, Hakkai! Quit usin' all the green ones! Now there's only red and yellow left... and this pretty little pink one. Hey, maybe we should give it to Sanzo-sama!"

"I don't think Sanzo would know how to use it. Ahahaha." Hakkai said, laughing as he pulled the pants along with Gojyo's underwear down past his waist and onto his legs.

"Come on... that guy has to have done it at some point. Even if it's just with some of the other bald monks at the temple."

"I don't really think the other monks are his type." Hakkai pointed out. "Besides, you know that Sanzo would sooner shoot someone than let them touch him."

"Yeah, but... it's not normal!" Gojyo complained.

Hakkai was inclined to agree. However, he didn't want to didn't want to discuss the matter right now. Instead of contributing to the conversation, he took off Gojyo's shoes and slid his pants all the way down to his ankles. Then he started pulling the crumpled fabric off of his feet. "Do you have any of the flavored ones left?"

"Lemme check..." Gojyo replied, rummaging through the box. "Aw, this one's cherry-flavored!" he said, tossing it along with one that was banana-yellow up to his lover. Hakkai caught them both in his hands. "Hey, you're gonna need this too, right?" Gojyo asked, tossing up a small bottle of lube as well. Hakkai snatched it out of the air, and set it and the yellow thing on a nearby windowsill. Then he opened the red one, rolling it down over the monstrous erection in front of him. No sooner was it in place then he opened his mouth and followed it down the thick, cherry-flavored phallus. "Oh, yeeaaaaah! That's what Daddy Gojyo likes!"

Hakkai briefly considered biting down on him just then, but he realized that doing so would only cause more noise. Instead he sucked hard on the shaft, working it in and out of his mouth. The sounds of Gojyo's breathless gasps and moans in return were more than enough to satisfy his desire to subjugate that self-conceited talk. With Gojyo distracted, he slid his arms underneath his thighs and lifted them up onto his shoulders. Then he grabbed the lube and squeezed a small amount onto his finger, sliding it in between those cheeks to tease the puckered opening. Gojyo couldn't completely stifle the groans rising from his throat. It felt so good, he had a hard time holding back. His legs trembled at that touch and his muscles tensed, begging for more. He was left breathless as Hakkai's mouth repeatedly descended over his cock, and while that finger buried it's self in his body. "Ha-Hakkai!"

Hakkai would've smiled, if his entire mouth and throat hadn't been full of Gojyo. Hearing his name called out in a tone of such passionate desperation was something he didn't think he'd ever get tired of. Feeling quite pleased with the situation, he continued with his work, stroking the thick shaft up and down with his tongue while his finger located the prostate gland deep within Gojyo's body and attacked it mercilessly. As he did this he could hear Gojyo's panting become more ragged, his muffled cries more strained and frequent. Hakkai continued until he heard a certain noise, a deep-throated groan that Gojyo always made right before his body reached it's peak, and then, he stopped.

Gojyo gasped in protest as the encircling heat lifted off of his cock and he finger withdrew from inside his body. There was so much tension down there that he felt like he was about to explode, his body was aching for it's release. He opened his eyes and looked up at the young man who was now kneeling over him on the bed, sans the monocle and sash, and in the process of unbuttoning the side of his shirt. "Hakkai... damn it! Why did you-?! FUCK!"

"Oh, I'm sorry." Hakkai politely replied.

"No you're not." Gojyo accused, letting out a sigh as he laid back and stared up at the ceiling. "Couldn't you have taken that off earlier?"

"I could have." Hakkai conceded. "But, since I'm doing it now... aren't you going to watch?" Gojyo smirked and looked over that the attractive brunet, who was deftly peeling the shirt off of his chest. Over the years Gojyo had become enamored by the way the flap pulled back to reveal Hakkai's body. That well-defined collarbone, solid pectoral muscles with dark nipples, and the smooth contours of skin around his rippling abs. Even the scar splayed across his belly had become a sexual object somehow.

Hakkai shrugged the rest of the shirt off of his shoulders and let it slide down his arms before tugging on the sleeves all the way off. Putting on a show like this wasn't something he did often. It was a rare stratagem which he used on occasion in order to gain Gojyo's compliance, and persuade him to submit to his every whim. Hakkai got up form the bed and placed the shirt on the table, then he turned back toward Gojyo and looked into his eyes as he slowly and deliberately undid the buckle on his belt.

"Oh, yeah... take it all off, Hakkai!" Gojyo ordered, noticing the huge bulge in his lover's pants. He was definitely ready. Hakkai did as he was told. After undoing the belt he unbuttoned his pants and slowly pulled down the zipper. Then he stuck his thumbs in between his skin and his clothes, and then pulled it all down. Gojyo's eyes were glued to Hakkai as his cock burst out from underneath his clothes. _So big and hard.... _Gojyo thought. _I've got a few ideas about what to do with that._ Hakkai proceeded to push everything down to his ankles, and then undid his shoes and stepped out of the crumpled mess. Typically, he couldn't stand leaving something laying on the floor like that, but picking it up and folding it right now would ruin the mood.

"Hey..." Gojyo called. "Get that pretty ass of yours back over here!"

Hakkai smiled and walked back over the to bed, kneeling down on the other end. He grabbed the yellow condom form the windowsill and unwrapped it, rolling it down over his burning erection. Then his hands lifted Gojyo's legs from the sheets and spread them apart in the air. "Are you ready for this?" he asked.

"Yeah, do it!" Gojyo demanded. Hakkai lurched forward and buried himself in Gojyo's body. "YES!"

"Shh!" Hakkai warned, covering his mouth. _I don't really want to do this, but... next time, I may have to gag you. _It was always a challenge, keeping Gojyo quiet. He wasn't quite sure how he managed it so well, most of the time. _Maybe next time I'll take that headband of yours and shove it into your mouth, but for now... _He moved his hand our of the way, bent down over Gojyo's body, and kissed him instead. Softly at first, and then he thrust his tongue into that mouth while his hips rocked Gojyo's body.

_I hate it when you do this. _Gojyo thought, even though it felt incredible to have Hakkai's tongue wrestling around in his mouth while that thick, hot cock was thrusting inside him. He really didn't mind. In fact, it was so good that he couldn't stop himself from groaning passionately into that mouth, but... _I can't fuckin' breathe! _He had to wrench his head to the side and break the kiss for a moment, just to catch a few breaths of air before Hakkai captured his mouth again. _Yes! _After that that he was loving every minute of it, the sheer thrill of having Hakkai invading his body in two different places at once. He had to break the kiss one more time, to say: "Hakkai... faster!"

"I'm sorry, but... if I go faster, then you'll come faster." the green-eyed yokai playfully refused, whispering in his ear. "Besides, I want this to last for awhile, Gojyo." Then he stopped thrusting for a moment, stuck his tongue out, and licked that ear. Then he proceeded to run his tongue from the top edge down to the sensitive earlobe so that he could nibble on it with his teeth.

"Gah-ah!" Gojyo gasped at the feel of that tongue, so wet and cold against the rim of his ear. He couldn't hold in the moans when he felt those teeth sinking into his skin. He turned his head and broke away from it, but Hakkai followed and stuck his tongue into his ear canal. "Unf! You're really persistent today!" Gojyo complained.

"I'm sorry. I'm not going to just let you get off like usual." Hakkai replied, bucking his hips into Gojyo's body. He did it gently, slowly, taking time to probe the ardent depths of that body in every direction. Gojyo gasped breathlessly.

"How long are you... plannin' on...?"

_I wonder... _Hakkai thought to himself. _I could probably hold you this way all night, but I'm quite certain that you will tire of it long before then. _Instead of answering Gojyo's question he started kissing his face, peppering everything from his hairline down to his chin in butterfly kisses. That was when Gojyo gave up. He simply laid back on the bed, closed his eyes, and allowed Hakkai to take him. He willingly gave his body up to the feel of relentlessly penetrating member and the soft lips traveling across his face.

It wasn't the first time Hakkai had done something like this, but it was really unusual. _In the last few years this has happened... what? Once, or twice? _Gojyo asked himself, he really couldn't remember. It was usually reserved for special occasions. Like anniversaries, which he also callously forgot about. Then he'd have to apologize until he was blue in the face and find some way to try and make it all up to an angry, sulking Hakkai. But eventually Hakkai forgave him, he always did. Then they made up, something like this. In long, passionate, wordless sessions, in which Hakkai slowly and lovingly worshiped his body. Gojyo never been loved like this by anyone else.

After years of having no one of importance in his life, he had kept telling himself that love wasn't really anything that he wanted. But he did want it, desperately at times. Not that he'd ever allow it to become obvious enough that anyone would catch on. However, Hakkai was too bright to be fooled by his complacent act. It was intimidating at times, being loved by someone whose intellect was as sharp as a shard of glass, yet every bit as fragile. Someone who he swore could see right through his easy-going mask to the truth inside his heart. _Maybe I wanted to have someone like this. Someone who will look through my words and find out who I really am inside._

When he had finished kissing every inch of Gojyo's face, Hakkai moved back toward his lover's mouth. He delicately caressed the corners of those lips, and then licked both the top and the bottom from one side to the other, gradually sliding his tongue back into the soft surrounding warmth of that mouth. The truth was that he'd been wanting this for days, but they simply hadn't had the chance to be alone together. They very thought of losing Gojyo had filled him with a terrible dread so overwhelming that he hadn't been able to shake it. He knew that as long as they were on this journey, there was always the chance of losing someone. Their lives were constantly on the line, you could never tell when the next unexpected battle would be. Therefore, he fully planned on making the most of every minute. Holding Gojyo here in his arms, he never wanted to let go.

Some part of him thought: _Maybe if I hold you like this... if I just keep holding on to you this way, then... maybe, I'll never have to worry about you leaving me again. _It was a vain and foolish hope, he knew. But he wanted to hold on to this person, whether it was something that Gojyo also desired or not. _I wanted... no, I -needed-... someone. Anyone... _For the same reason that he'd always needed someone, he needed Gojyo now. Having grown up in a pristine, emotionless environment, where the "caretakers" at the orphanage never really cared for him at all, he needed someone in his life. _...love me..._ This desperate plea permeated all of his being, from his early childhood all the way to the present.

The only gap in a life filled with loneliness, had been Kanan. He had been looking for his sister for years. When they finally found each other, it was the first time in both of their lives that they weren't alone anymore. He didn't care what anyone else said about them being lovers, no one else could possibly understand how they felt. Then one day, she was suddenly taken. When she died, his whole world fell apart. Lying there dying in the street, he could remember the first time he caught sight of those crimson eyes and hair. _The color of blood... _He really could have almost laughed at the sight, if his insides weren't spilled all over the ground.

_You could've let me die on the road... _he mused,_ but then, we never would have had this. _At this moment, none of those things mattered anymore. The troubled memories of their pasts, the uncertainty of the future. Because now, in spite of all that they'd both been through, they had each other. Lying on that bed, wrapped in each other's arms, the heat of their two bodies salaciously entwined. _If only for this moment... _Hakkai thought to himself, _Sha Gojyo, you are mine. _His tongue sunk deeper into that sensual mouth, which always tasted of tobacco and beer. Then his hips rocked faster, deeper, plunging recklessly into constricting heat of that body. Gojyo groaned into his mouth in that seductively low-pitched tone which meant... _Yes. Come for me, Gojyo._

Gojyo did, while moaning desperately into his love's mouth. He came so hard that he swore he could hear the blood rushing through his veins. That part of Hakkai was buried so deep inside of him, his whole body throbbed at the feel of it. His muscles clenched so thick around that invading cock while his own erection throbbed against his belly, spilling his come into the plastic sheath. Hakkai could feel his lover's body squeezing down around him, the familiar sensation of that cock slapping against his skin. _The taste of your mouth at this moment is... exquisite._ It was the last thought he had time for before his own body tightened and shot his seed deep into the surrounding warmth. He finally broke the kiss and gasped for air, feeling tired and even a little bit dizzy as Gojyo's body continued to squeeze his throbbing erection.

Gojyo couldn't remember the last time he had an orgasm this intense. _It just... won't stop._ His body was throbbing and squeezing, convulsing underneath the incredible sensation of that touch. "Ha-kkai...." he breathed.

"Gojyo...." Hakkai answered. He laid down on top of his lover's body, no longer able to support his own weight. He could still feel Gojyo's body constricting around him, while his own cock pulsated relentlessly in response. They laid there in each others arms for an indeterminate amount of time, trying to catch their breath as the trembling in their bodies slowly began to subside.

"'Kai, I need ya to get up." Gojyo begged. He was worn out and deflated, and the plastic around his cock was starting to feel real uncomfortable. It had to come off. Hakkai pushed himself to the side, into a kneeling position on the bed. Gojyo immediately pulled his condom off, and then Hakkai snatched it away from him before he could throw it on the floor. "Did you have to leave that thing on?" Gojyo asked, looking up at Hakkai who was taking his off as well. "You could've taken it off after you were done blowin' me."

"Then I'd have to wipe semen off of both of our stomachs." Hakkai politely replied with his typical smile. "It's easier to clean up this way." Then he crawled off the bed and walked into the bathroom, rolling them both up in tissue before throwing it all in the trash. That way, no one needed to know what had been going on that day.

"Hey." Gojyo called. "Why don't you come to bed with me? I mean... you know, we could really just go to sleep this time."

"You already know why." Hakkai replied, walking out of the bathroom. "What would happen if Goku came to wake us up in the morning? I think Sanzo would shoot us both. "

"He never even aims that gun at you." Gojyo pointed out. _I think he'd probably only shoot me. _

"I miss sleeping in the same bed too, Gojyo." Hakkai confessed, walking over to sit on the edge of the bed. "A lot of things have changed since we started on this journey, haven't they?" Aside from the obvious change in sleeping arrangements, it was also quite an adjustment being around Sanzo and Goku all the time, not to mention the fact that they were often spending so much time driving around in poor, exhausted Hakuryu. Then there was the yelling, the fighting, the grocery shopping, and the constant demon attacks. "Adjusting to all of these changes hasn't been easy." He concluded, leaning backwards and allowing himself to fall down onto the bed.

"Yer tellin' me." Gojyo agreed, flopping down on the bed next to him. _I don't see why you're complaining though. _He thought, because Hakkai actually seemed to enjoy the company. Even with all the fuss they made about everything, it was probably better for Hakkai being here then being left at home alone while he went out to work the bars._ I'm the one who's having the most trouble here._

Hakkai sighed softly and closed his eyes. After all that had gone on that day, he was truly exhausted. Fighting Chin Yiso, making the long drive to this town, the long, heart-felt discussion with Sanzo, and then making love to Gojyo like this. He had to wonder, "Was that alright... what we just did?"

"Oh, yeah... it was fine."

"I thought you hated doing it slowly."

"I said it was fine." Gojyo insisted. _Actually, that was... amazing. _Even though, amazing wasn't really a strong enough word to describe it. It frustrated him that he could never seem to find the right words to say how something like this really felt. But he remembered those gentle kisses on his face, the warm embrace of his body, and the deep intimacy of such amorous penetration. Being loved like that was something he didn't even know how to talk about, even though he really wanted to say something about what it meant to him. _I've been waiting for that sort of thing my whole life. _He looked over at his lover lying next to him on the bed and wonderedhow Hakkai felt.

_I bet you used to make love like this to her all the time, didn't ya? _Gojyo thought. Being so tender and caring, he really couldn't imagine Hakkai holding a woman in any other way. _I bet you spoiled her rotten too._ He was sure that Hakkai probably did all of the cooking and cleaning as well. Gojyo could tell by the way Hakkai did things like that for him, that he'd done it before. _I bet she didn't even have to lift a single finger unless she wanted to._ To have someone doting on you constantly, it had been annoying to him at first. But, now that they were all out on this journey (which he liked to think of as the longest road trip in the history of mankind), he really missed it. _But you know, I bet she loved every minute of it... just like I do._

In spite of his devoted nature, Hakkai seemed hesitant at times to express his feelings verbally. Rather, it was his constantly kind and caring actions that expressed how he truly felt about someone. _Even if I don't know how to say it, I really do appreciate all the things you do for me. _Gojyo thought. _Like the way you made love to me just now. _"Hey...." he called, rolling over to drape and arm around Hakkai's chest. "I love you too, ya prick."

Hakkai smiled and laughed in genuine happiness. He found it adorable that Gojyo chose to express his feelings this way. "...and I love you, Gojyo."


	10. Chapter 10 In Your Dreams

**In Your Dreams**

The moment his head hit the pillow, Hakkai was fast asleep. He had barely been able to summon the energy necessary to get out of Gojyo's bed in the first place, let alone down the hall and into his room. It was becoming rather tedious to change back into his clothes in Gojyo's room only to take them off again once he went back to bed. He was thinking that maybe next time he would simply bring his pajamas with him so that he wouldn't have to change as often. As exhausted as he was, it wasn't long before the thoughts swimming in his head and the memories of the day faded off into his dreams.

*****

Hakkai was fully dressed, and back in the reception room of the inn with the others. He was signing them in on the ledger while Gojyo teased Goku about something. They started to fight, and Sanzo yelled at them both to shut up and whacked them over the head with his paper fan. Then they all headed off to their rooms, Goku hobbling one leg while the cast on the other dragged against the floor. He begged Sanzo to carry him, but for the thousandth time that day the cranky priest told him to stand on his own two feet. By the time he started to head for his room, Hakkai thought that everyone else had already gone into theirs, but he was stopped by Sanzo right before he got to the door.

"Hey, you wanna give me some company once these guys are asleep?" Sanzo asked.

"Oh..." Hakkai was shocked by the question, it wasn't like Sanzo to actually ask for something like that so directly. "I would be happy to accompany you to your room, but..." he paused to look over at the door across the hall. "I have something I need to take care of first."

"Tch... what do you need to talk to that stupid water sprite about?" Sanzo asked, looking annoyed.

"It's just something I noticed earlier."

"Fine, but I'd really feel better if you didn't talk to the bastard."

"Does it bother you that much?"

"Lately, you seem to be kinda moody after talking to him."

"Well, right now... I really don't have anything to feel bad about." Hakkai replied.

"That's true." Sanzo agreed, with a pleased smile. "Well, I'll be in my room then. Hurry up!"

_There's something off about all this. _Hakkai thought as he walked over to knock on the door. _There's something all too familiar about...._

"What?" The grouchy reply came floating through the hardwood.

Hakkai cracked the door open just a few inches. _It's not like Gojyo to be in such a bad mood. _"Is it okay if I come in?"

"Fine." was the reply.

Hakkai walked into the room and Gojyo was lounging on the bed, wearing glasses and reading a newspaper. _Something is definitely wrong with this picture. _

"What is it?" Gojyo asked, looking up from the paper.

"Do you remember when I said: "I thought I'd done it for real?"" Hakkai asked. _Wait... what am I saying? _"I really... wasn't joking. For a moment, I honestly-"

"Do I really have to say it?" Gojyo interrupted. "I won't die that easily."

_What's going on here? _Hakkai wondered, as the conversation continued. It was strange, he could feel his lips moving and hear the sound of his voice, but somehow he felt detached from the situation. He was standing around talking about choking Gojyo earlier. _...but, I didn't choke Gojyo! _The idea was just so disturbing, he didn't know what to think. Almost as if on cue, Gojyo pulled his shirt up over his head and Hakkai stared at the bruises on his neck. _Gojyo's shirt doesn't even have a collar! _Hakkai protested to himself. The wounds appeared all the same. _I must be... hallucinating. Yes, that's it. _Then he touched the wounds, and he could feel the way they bit into his skin. "I'm... so sorry."

"Stop it." Gojyo ordered, swatting his hand away.

_That's not like you..._ Hakkai thought. Then they got into an argument, which he somehow turned into a joke that made him laugh until his sides were sore. The situation was so surreal. He didn't seem to have any control over himself, his body simply kept on acting on it's own. _It's like I'm not even here. _Then the conversation turned frank again. They were saying something about Chin Yiso, and then he asked: "Why... did you save me, those three years ago?"

Gojyo complained about the question, and Hakkai replied as though it were perfectly normal. _This is not... _He thought. Regardless of which, the conversation continued. Gojyo was talking about his past, about losing someone and then going out to kill people. Then he held that gun up to his own head, and Hakkai remembered the shock he felt. _This is so wrong! _To see Gojyo aiming a gun at himself like that. _Where did that thing come from anyway? Gojyo doesn't even use a gun! Let alone Sanzo's, after all the times it's been fired at him. _Then he went over to the bed, and let Gojyo cry into his chest. _This is so real, but.... _Then he realized: _It's all a dream!_

The realization shocked him in such a way that he didn't even realize what was going on. He was separating from Gojyo, saying goodbye, walking out of the room. Then he collapsed against the closed door. _If Gojyo is here in Sanzo's room, and I had that conversation with Sanzo earlier instead of Gojyo, then that means these two have simply switched places in my dreams. But, that means that..._

"HEY!" Sanzo cried, slamming the door to his room as it flung open. "What the fuck took you so long!? Damn it! Do you have any idea how long I've been waiting?"

_OH NO! _Hakkai thought, knowing exactly what was coming next. Even so his body seemed to be stuck in an endless time warp. "I guess I lost track of time. Ahahaha."

"LOST TRACK OF TIME?!" Sanzo complained. "Sheesh! Get your ass in here already!" He angrily stormed back into his room, leaving the door open for Hakkai to follow him.

_No, no, no! _Hakkai thought as his feet wandered into the room on their own. _Someone, please! Wake me up! _Sanzo sat down on the bed while he sat on a chair. Then they had the all too familiar conversation about what had happened to Gojyo's neck. In the end he was left sitting there looking down at his hands. _Please... make it stop! _Then Sanzo walked over and kissed him on the lips, softly at first, then harder as he pried his mouth open and stuck in his tongue. It felt the same way it had felt when Gojyo did it that day, and soon Hakkai was moaning into that mouth and kissing back. _This is just... so very, completely and utterly... wrong. _Then he kicked Sanzo backwards onto the bed. _He would be so angry if I did that!_

Then, somehow, he broke free from the self in his dream. He stood by watching from a third-person perspective as dream-Hakkai walked over to the bed and climbed on top of dream-Sanzo, invading his mouth with his tongue while pushing the shirt up off of his chest. _Sanzo would never... in a million years... he'd probably shoot someone first! _Then the shirt was gone, and he watched as his own hands drifted all over Sanzo's chest while they kissed. Then his dream-self stopped kissing Sanzo, and trailed down his jaw, sucking on his neck. _This is so horrible. _His fingers drifted teasingly over Sanzo's chest, brushing over his abs, his pecs, his nipples, then his hands pressed firmly against that skin. "Fuck... Hakkai!" Sanzo gasped.

"Shh." Dream-Hakkai warned. "We should really... try to keep it down this time."

"Yeah... I think last time, our sounds of passion bothered that idiot water sprite."

"Whatever gave you that idea?"

"The number of rounds he shot at me after you went down for a nap."

_Gojyo? Shooting at someone? This is insane! _He watched as his own mouth moved down to lick at Sanzo's collarbone. All the while Sanzo laid submissively underneath him, gasping and groaning in pleasure. _I can't imagine Sanzo ever enjoying something like that. _Hakkai decided. Apparently, his subconscious mind disagreed. His mouth moved down over Sanzo's body, kissing the area of his chest that was right above his heart. _If Gojyo had the marks on Sanzo's neck, then does Sanzo have the wound in Gojyo's chest as well? _For some reason he did, and they had the same conversation that he had with Gojyo about it. Then dream-Hakkai moved to the side to suck on Sanzo's nipple. _I really wish someone would wake me up now. _

"Damn it..." Sanzo softly hissed. "You're makin' it real hard to stay quiet, Hakkai!"

"Is that the only thing I'm making hard?" dream-Hakkai teased. The real Hakkai watched in wide-eyed horror as his dream self reached down to grope at the bulging crotch of his Sanzo's pants. "Ah, I guess not! Hahaha."

"Hey, while you're down there..." Sanzo said suggestively.

_Oh no! _Hakkai thought. _Am I going to have to watch myself go down on Sanzo? _His other self got up from his place, and started to undo the belt on Sanzo's pants. _I think I'm going to be sick. _Then dream-Hakkai asked Sanzo to grab the condoms, so he lurched over the side of the bed to dig in the shoe box. _Sanzo never does anything for anyone. This dream is just... horribly unrealistic. _

"Damn it, Hakkai! Quit usin' all the green ones! Now there's only red and yellow left... and this pretty little pink one. Hey, maybe we should give it to that empty-headed kappa! You know he likes men anyway."

_That wasn't in the original conversation. _Hakkai complained. Although he realized that the argument that Gojyo didn't know how to use a condom simply could not be made. _At least my subconscious mind has that much sense. _Unfortunately, it also meant that he had to watch himself pull Sanzo's pants all the way off of his body. _I wonder if he's really that size... _Hakkai thought, watching the massive erection burst out of those pants just the way Gojyo's had._ Gah! I shouldn't be thinking such things! Sanzo would shoot me if he found out! _Then he watched himself catch the condoms and lube thrown at him, unwrap the red one, and stretch it over that huge cock.

Dream-Hakkai didn't even hesitate to open up his mouth wide and take that thing deep into his throat. Then he proceeded to suck it and work it in and out of his mouth while Sanzo gaped and moaned in response. _ I feel rather voyeuristic about now. _The real Hakkai thought, which normally wasn't a pleasant feeling. He'd never enjoyed watching this sort of thing in his life, but he simply wasn't capable of looking away. The other Hakkai snuck his arms underneath Sanzo's legs and lifted them up before grabbing the lube, he put a little on his finger and then massaged it into the tight hole between those cheeks. _I don't think he'd ever allow that to happen either. _Hakkai thought. Sanzo's groans grew louder and more wanton as Hakkai's other self continued to suck on that length while plunging his finger into his body.

_This is so wrong... so very, very wrong._ He thought, but as he watched his mouth slide over the base of that cock and his finger bury it's self in that ass, he started to feel an uncomfortable warmth and tightness in his pants. _This is bad. _Then the fake Hakkai stopped what he was doing and pushed himself into a kneeling position, sporting a huge erection of his own. Sanzo yelled angrily in protest, and dream-Hakkai reassured him while taking off his shirt. Real Hakkai was paralyzed in his place while the false one got off the bed and walked over to where he was, absorbing him in the process. The two Hakkais were one. Then, against his will, he reached down to start undoing the buckle on his belt.

"Oh, yeah... take it all off, Hakkai!" Sanzo commanded. Hakkai's mind froze while his hand undid the button on his pants and pulled down the zipper. While he pulled his pants down he noticed the lustful glint in Sanzo's eyes, which were glued to his erection.

_I wonder if he'd really look at it like that. _Hakkai briefly speculated before stooping over to take off his shoes. _What a strange thought. Sanzo would never do any such thing! Besides, it's not like I'd ever want to find out either. _

"Hey..." Sanzo called. "Get that pretty ass of yours back over here!"

_That was completely out of character. _Hakkai thought. _I really can't enjoy this while his personality is so far off. _Then again, he'd never get a chance if the portrayal was accurate either. _Not that I want to enjoy it! No, not at all... this is horrible! _His body walked back over to the bed, and his hands grabbed the condom, unwrapped it, and put it on. Then he lifted Sanzo's legs and spread them in the air, thinking: _There's no way the real Sanzo would ever tolerate being handled like this. _"Are you ready?"

"Yeah, do it!" Sanzo demanded. Hakkai inwardly grimaced at the command while his hips lurched forward and he buried his cock in that tight body. "YES!"

"Shh!" Hakkai hushed him. _Oh, that's right... we're supposed to be quiet so "Gojyo" doesn't hear. _The details of this mixed-up dream were awfully confusing. _This is so wrong. _Then he bent down over Sanzo's body and started kissing him, using his tongue to invade that mouth and keep him quiet. It was even more disconcerting when Sanzo kissed back. _...but, it feels so real. _He thought, thrusting his hips into that body. It was so soft, clenching him tightly in it's burning heat. _Even if this is just a dream, I'm still... doing this to Sanzo! _The thought was supposed to shock him, but his body simply continued pushing relentlessly into that warmth. His lips smothered Sanzo's mouth, only allowing him a second to stop and breathe before plunging back into his mouth again.

"Hakkai... faster!" Sanzo demanded.

"I'm sorry, but... if I go faster, then you'll come faster." Hakkai teased. _He would definitely kill me... if it were really Sanzo. _"Besides, I want this to last for awhile." Then he stopped to lick at his partner's ear, and nibble on his earlobe. He was almost happy when Sanzo pulled away, at least that part seemed closer to reality. Then he stuck his tongue in that ear.

"You're really persistent today!" Sanzo complained.

"I'm sorry." Hakkai said. "I'm not going to just let you get off like usual." _Like usual? There's nothing usual about any of this! _Then he resumed thrusting, continuing to push into that thick, encircling heat. His hips moved slowly, achingly, probing the tight hole in every direction.

"How long are you... planning on...?" Sanzo asked.

_Believe me, I'd stop if I could! _Hakkai thought, although he was really only half serious because the feel of Sanzo's body surrounding him was so mind-numbingly realistic. He bent over then, and started planting soft kisses all over Sanzo's face. _The sensation of his skin against my lips... _It felt so strangely intimate and warm._ This isn't funny anymore. _Which belied the fact that it had never been funny to him to begin with. For some reason, he found the action of kissing Sanzo's face this way even more disturbing than anything else that had happened so far, because he felt the same way he had felt when he was really doing it to Gojyo. _Is it just because of the dream that I'm forced to feel this way? _His lips touched every last inch of Sanzo's face before they returned to his mouth. _Is it?_

His tongue dipped in between those lips to the taste of cigarettes and sake. The strange flavor piqued his interest. _Gojyo doesn't taste like that... usually. _It was strangely appropriate that Sanzo would, since he didn't seem to be partial to beer the way Gojyo was. _What sort of trick is my mind playing on me now? _He didn't have much time to think about it before his body started thrusting faster and harder into that torrid, clenching passage. _That feels so... _he thought. Then Sanzo started groaning into his mouth as he came, squeezing Hakkai even tighter. It was just too much, he could already feel his balls tighten in preparation for his release.Then he opened his mouth and screamed.

*****

Hakkai was awake, sitting straight up in his bed. _What kind of dream...? _His body was covered in a cold sweat and the fabric of his nightshirt clung uncomfortably to his skin. _It's over._ He sighed in relief as he held his head in one hand. _Did I scream out loud? _He really wasn't sure. "That was... so disturbing!" He felt like his entire body was over-heating, and he was breathless and panting for air. Then he noticed a sticky feeling in his pants, and lifted the covers to find a warm, wet mess all over the inside the crotch of his pajamas. "Gah!" _That's even more disturbing! _He moaned in embarrassment and hid his face in his hands. _What am I going to do? I have to get up and wash this now... and that means I'll have to sleep in my clothes. _

He reluctantly climbed out of bed and started removing the soiled pajamas. He really couldn't stand the feel of the damp material against his skin another minute anyway. _I really need a shower. _He thought, folding his pajamas in a pile before walking over to the bathroom. He waited until the water was hot before stepping in, making sure to rub his whole body down with soap and water. After he washed every last molecule of filth off of his body he leaned against the wall and let the searing liquid pour down his back. The tense muscles in his shoulders and back slowly began to relax underneath the soothing heat. _That never happened. _He thought, in a futile attempt to convince himself that he never had that dream. _This is just... scandalous! I'll never be able to look Sanzo in the face again! _He worried. _Or, at least... not for a day or two. _He was really dismayed at the thought of even being in Sanzo's presence.

_What in the world was I thinking? _He wondered, not that he had any control over his unconscious thoughts. Still, the dream was chillingly realistic and it bothered him so much that he decidedthat there had to be something to this dream. He just didn't have any idea what it was. Looking back over the whole thing, none of it made sense. _Sanzo's request for my company, Gojyo holding a gun to his head, and then Sanzo... _he stopped there, not willing to go over that part again. The memories of that dream were constantly nagging at the back of his brain, refusing to go away. It was almost like his subconscious had some strange revelation that it wanted him to pay attention to, a hidden message somewhere in the dream. _If my mind is trying to tell me something, then what could it be? _

He turned off the water and stepped out of the shower, drying himself with the towel. Then he took his pajamas and started scrubbing them down with soap and water in the sink, because it was late at night and this inn didn't have a laundry room. _The reason I wanted to talk to Sanzo was because I had nearly killed him that day. _Hakkai remembered. _I felt guilty about it... so maybe that's the connection. _Thinking back on the events that had happened while going up against Chin Yiso, he realized that he had also felt terribly guilty for failing to protect Gojyo as well. _Is this the reason you appeared in my dream this way? _Hakkai wondered, seeing again the image in his mind of Gojyo holding that gun to his head. _That's... an awful way to twist the truth._

When he finally finished washing the pajamas he hung them over the towel bar to dry. Then he walked back into his room, and started to put on his clothes. _Even though I was not directly responsible for Gojyo's injury, I still blamed myself. _He realized that in switching that injury to the one he was responsible for giving Sanzo, his mind had forced him to directly confront that guilt. It was a literal portrayal of something that was only meant to be taken metaphorically. _However, that's not a fair assumption. I could never do something like that to Gojyo. _Hakkai wasn't even certain he could define the reason why. It was not that he thought Gojyo weak enough that being strangled like that could kill him, but rather that Hakkai could never even bring himself to pretend to do such a thing.

_Something like that, Sanzo can handle... _Hakkai thought. Although it wasn't because Sanzo was physically stronger. But perhaps, on an emotional level, _...yes. I'm afraid that something like that... would end up hurting a kind-hearted person such as Gojyo. _Although he was certain that Gojyo would ultimately brush it off and insist that it was no big deal as well, if only to keep Hakkai from blaming himself for it. _Even so, I think Gojyo would need reassurance after something like that. _Hakkai reasoned. _Besides, I would never want to wound him in such a way. _Honestly, he felt bad enough just for what he had done. Fooling Gojyo into thinking that he'd killed Sanzo had obviously worked quite well. It must have made him awfully worried at the time.

Having finished putting his clothes on, Hakkai felt that he would be unable to relax enough to fall asleep with all these thoughts still fresh in his mind. So he decided to go out to the kitchen and see if he could make a nice hot cup of tea to help himself relax. While walking down the hall he still felt as though there was something he was missing._ That couldn't be the whole reason for the dream. _It was a strange feeling that he had, as though the answer he was looking for was already close to being realized. He almost felt like it was on the tip of his tongue. _What else did I miss? _He wondered. Then he knew that he'd failed to find a valid reason for Sanzo's portion of the dream.

_I should start with the reason I was with Gojyo that night. _He thought, remembering the way he held Gojyo in his arms. _I wanted so badly to make up for that time, but what does that have to do with Sanzo? It's not because... I feel the same way about them?_ Hakkai wondered._ No, of course not! That's just silly. _There were a lot of things about Sanzo that had been on his mind lately. He was certain that sorting them out would prove complicated, so he went ahead set a kettle full of water and tea bags over the stove. _First things first... _he thought. After the fight with Chin Yiso he felt they were closer somehow, if only because he had finally found the confidence he needed to overcome the situation. Even so, wasn't Sanzo's trust in him the catalyzing source of that strength? _I need to think... _he decided, trying to concentrate.

_Even if that is true, I never did get to thank him for that. _Of course, it was typical of Sanzo to not allow Hakkai to thank him for anything. It had always been that way. For some reason he had never wanted to hear a single word of gratitude in return for anything he'd ever done, whether it was saving his friend's life, arguing for his freedom, defending against enemies, or even risking his own life. The kettle began to whistle then, demanding his attention. He he took it off of the stove and then poured himself a cup, waiting a moment for it to cool. _Those marks on your neck were really... very severe, much more than I expected. _He really wanted to say something. Yet, no matter how strongly he felt about it, Sanzo wouldn't hear a single word of apology. _Still, I wonder why. _

In all fairness, Sanzo had given him his answer that night. Confessing to the true nature of his past, and pulling his own gun on himself like that. It was shocking. Hakkai was floored just to know that at one point in his life, _Sanzo had really wanted to die. _It was the most unexpected thing, and yet it all made sense now. Every selfless thing that Sanzo had done for him, all put in that perspective, ...y_ou really felt my pain all that time, much more than you ever wanted me to know. Yet, still... you refuse to let me do anything! _Sanzo did refuse to let him do anything in return. Anything in praise, or gratitude, or simply for the sake of helping or comforting him for once.Aside from that one time when he'd allowed Sanzo to cry in his arms, there was nothing.

_Even that one moment was forced. _Hakkai argued to himself, taking a sip of the hot tea. _Sanzo never would have come to me for comfort on his own. _Somehow it seemed like no matter how much he did for Sanzo, it was never enough. Not the big things like coming to visit him back when they'd been living apart and trying to be a tutor for Goku, or agreeing to come along on this journey. Certainly not the little day-to-day things like babysitting over Goku and Gojyo's constant bickering, driving everyone all over the place, doing the group's shopping, cooking their meals, and cleaning up after all of their messes. _It's because... you never allow me to express how I truly feel, that's why. _

Hakkai realized, this was the reason Sanzo had switched places in his dream as well. Not because he felt the same way about Sanzo as he did about Gojyo, _...or at least, I don't think I do. But really, that's not something I should even be thinking about. _He reasoned that the switch had occurred because he had a desire to say something that the other person didn't want to hear. _All of these repressed feelings, I suppose that is my problem. _Being with Gojyo that night had solved any issues with him for the time being. However, he felt that things with Sanzo were unresolved somehow. Even so, he wasn't certain what he could do. Sanzo never wanted to hear anything emotional like that.

Hakkai took another sip of the soothing warm liquid in his cup. _What can I do then? _Even after staying up for minutes while sipping tea, he couldn't seem to find an answer. He really felt like he wanted to do something, after Sanzo had gone to the effort of opening up to him like that. However, there wasn't anything he had left to himself, his life was already an open book to the others in the party. Even Goku knew about his past. Even so, Hakkai never took for granted, even for a moment, that they were all so very accepting of him in spite of that. _But for Sanzo, who always seems to be bound so deeply within himself... _he wondered, _what can you do for someone like that? _Having exhausted his own knowledge of the matter, he washed his cup and headed back to bed.


	11. Chapter 11 Hold On

**Hold On**

Young Genjyo Sanzo came down from the mountain, starting off his personal quest to claim the scripture stolen by the demons who had murdered his master. He began with an intense determination that sent chills up the spine of anyone who dared look into those piercing violet eyes. _At the very least, I will not fail to regain the Seiten scripture and destroy the monsters who took his life. _He told himself. After that he would take both scriptures back to the Kinzan temple. _And then... _his fingers tensed around the trigger of the gun held in his pocket, _I will go to meet Master Koumyou Sanzo. _

Ever since the moment he saw his master hold out his arms in surrender, ever since those first few drops of precious blood flew through the air, he had desired this. Looking down at the lifeless body lying on the floor with blood pooling on the hardwood and staining the white of his robes, some part of his mind still couldn't fathom why someone as strong as Master Koumyou Sanzo would so such a thing. To leave him immobilized while taking on the brunt of the attack. Succumbing to the onslaught of violence in such a way, leaving him there to carry on alone.

Part of him really thought: _I'm the one who should have taken the attack. I'm the one who should have died. I'm the one who didn't matter. I'm the one who doesn't deserve... any of this! _The title of Sanzo, the Maten scripture, the respect shown him by his master, these were all things he knew in his heart he had never been worthy of. Although it was true that all he had ever talked about was believing in himself, those words were all a lie. He said those things to the abbot, to the other monks, to anyone who asked. The reason for this was partly because he wanted them to be true, but mostly because Master Koumyou Sanzo believed in him.

The truth was that he didn't really believe in himself at all, but the man he looked to as a father did. Because of that he felt like he had to live up to those expectations, no matter how worthless and weak everyone, including himself, thought he was. After Koumyou Sanzo died he realized just how frail and powerless he truly was. With this person gone, all of his false belief in himself disappeared. The position of Sanzo was only something he had taken with the intention of recovering the lost scripture. _...because, it is what Master Sanzo entrusted to me. _He felt he had to fulfill this one last duty._ After that is over, I will simply... die. As I was meant to have died in the first place._

He began his journey with such resolution that the first few days passed by like they were nothing. All of his days were spent walking, endlessly searching the surrounding area for any signs of the group of demons he was so relentlessly pursuing. At night he would collapse wearily, only to wake again and continue the next morning. But after five days of constant traveling, without so much as a morsel of food or a single drop to drink, he had still found nothing. His stomach ached, his eyes burned, and his feet were sore and blistered from walking. He barely had any strength left.

That was when they found him. He heard the sounds of them rustling through the brush first, they weren't a skilled or covert group of bandits at all. Just a bunch of useless idiots looking to make some trouble. Then, when they got nearer, he could hear their voices muttering from behind the trees. They had obviously seen him, and were trying to decide whether to confront him or not. _Cowards..._ he thought. When they finally decided to burst from their cover and demand that he hand over his possessions, he was ready to attack.

He landed a good kick to the first guy's stomach, and an elbow in the second one's gut, but even as he attacked them he realized that his movements were weak and sluggish. The next guy blocked his attack, grabbing his arm in the process. _I don't have enough energy... _Then someone came up behind him and kicked him so hard that he flew through the air, coming to a grating stop as his face and body hit the ground. He had barely picked himself up when they were back on him again, standing just a few yards away and looking down on him defiantly.

"...sheesh, causing us so much trouble..." One guy said. "I told you we'd let you go if you handed over your valuables quietly." The man came at him with a staff, swinging it through the air. "AGHH!! You damn... BRAT!!" Although Sanzo tried to dodge it he wasn't fast enough. The rod smashed into the top of his skull, knocking him back to the ground. The wind was knocked out of him, and he nearly gagged on his own throat before he was finally able to calm down enough to breathe. Then he felt fingers clenching in his hair as he was dragged up and turned over onto his back.

"Hey, up close..." his attacker said, "his face almost looks like a girl's." Sanzo didn't think much of the comment until the others joined in.

"Heh... _that_ again?" One of the others asked.

"That's quite a hobby you've got." The last one teased.

"Shut up!" the first guy said. "Just hold him down. Hurry up and finish it."

_He's going to..._ Sanzo thought. Perceptive as he was at his age, he didn't need anyone to tell him what this man was planning. Lying there on the ground: helpless, bruised, and beaten, the very insinuation struck terror into his heart. Then he felt the grip of that man's rough, leathery hand, tightly grasping his leg just above the ankle. That was when fear overcame his mind.

*****

A hard surface hit his side as though he'd fallen off a ledge, and he reached for the gun in his robes only to meet with the coarse texture of denim around his waist. Then he felt his robes on the floor and pulled out the gun. Holding it outstretched over his body, he aimed high above his head and shot into thin air. He was staring up at nothing, or rather, a dark little hole in the wooden planks of the inn they were currently staying at. In his mind he could still see the face of that man, the upper quarter of his head blasted open by a bullet wound near his right eye. The hand holding the gun shook uncontrollably. _It was... a dream._

Sanzo didn't even hear the sound of footsteps running toward his room, or the creaking sound of the hinged before the door slammed into the wall. The only sound that finally reached his ears was a voice.

"SANZO!! Sanzo, what-?!" It was familiar, the sound of that voice. The polite, tender tone was raised in worry and fear. It was Hakkai.

_It's been... so long since I've had this nightmare. _He thought, recalling the last time it had happened. _It's been six years. _It was ten years since the real event had happened, yet he never could seem to forget the suggestive tone in that man's voice when he said that his face looked like a girl's. _Will I ever get those words out of my head?_

"Was it... a dream?" Hakkai asked.

"No." Sanzo replied. _It was a memory._

"A nightmare then?" Hakkai assumed. "I made some tea earlier, if you would like..."

"Fine." Sanzo replied, reluctantly pushing the gun back into his robes.

"HEY!! What the hell's going on?!" It was Gojyo's voice, from somewhere out in the hall.

"Oh, it's alright Gojyo." Hakkai answered. "Sanzo just had a bad dream."

"I thought I heard the sound of his gun!"

"Apparently it was a very disturbing dream. Ahahaha."

"Shit.... If that's all it is, then I'm goin' back to sleep!"

After that Sanzo heard the sound of Gojyo's door slamming, Hakkai's shoes knocking quietly against the hardwood floor, and the groaning of wood along with a slight metal click as door to his own room was slowly and carefully shut. He sighed and pushed himself up, fishing his pack of cigarettes out of the robe along with his lighter. He sat down by the window and lighted up, inhaling slowly and then blowing the smoke out hastily into the night air. That dream was one of those dreaded memories from his past, but even so he had to wonder: _Why did I have this dream now, after all this time? _

After a few more breaths he took another hit, savoring the taste of tobacco as the smoke-filled air entered his lungs. _Remembering something like that... how useless. _He took a few more breaths, and another hit to steady his nerves. In spite of it all, he couldn't forget the fear he felt that day. It was annoying that the dream had ended there. He wanted to remember the rage he'd felt as well, if only to silence the trembling in his chest. _The dream doesn't usually end there. _He thought. But the last time he had that dream, there wasn't an edge of the bed to roll off of. With a few more hits of his cigarette, he could finally feel the nicotine start to sink into his bloodstream and make it's way up into his brain. _It's because of what I said to Hakkai earlier tonight, that's why. _

Frustrated with the situation, his snuffed the rest of his cigarette and grabbed his clothes off of the floor. It wasn't until he'd already donned the sleeves and pulled the black top half-way over his head that it occurred to him that he would have to take them right back off the moment he decided to go to sleep. Which would be soon, because he was already tired as hell. However, he was still going to go out to the kitchen for the tea and the last thing he wanted was to feel naked after having that dream. After stuffing the end of the shirt into his pants, he put on the robe and it's chest plate along with the scripture as well. He decided that he wanted as many layers as possible between himself and the night air.

He walked down the hall even more alert than usual, if that was possible. The slightest sound of creaking wood and briefest flashes of light and movement caught his attention. Still, there was nothing in the place. Nothing but Hakkai pacing the floor in the kitchen, taking a teapot off of the stove and pouring two full cups of the steaming liquid. That comforting presence, with his continuously selfless acts of service. Even though Sanzo never said anything, he really did notice and appreciate all the little things Hakkai did for him. He sat down on one side of the table and took a sip, pulling the pack out of his robes to light another cigarette. Hakkai sat down across from him, trying not to stare too long at the angry, frustrated expression on Sanzo's face. His movements were frantic in a way that Hakkai had seldom seen in him before, which reminded him of the look in those deep purple eyes the moment he'd burst into the room. _So scared... it's really not like him at all. _

Sanzo didn't say a word. He looked over at Hakkai for a moment, but then abruptly looked away. It was obvious that Hakkai could tell that he was nervous about something, and he didn't like it. Above all else, he didn't want to have to explain what he'd been dreaming of that night. He felt cornered, so he buried this nervous feeling in the smoke from his cigarette and several shallow sips of the tea. It was nice, and it probably would have been very relaxing if he wasn't so tense. Somehow, nothing seemed to ease his mind right now.

Hakkai watched Sanzo carefully, taking precaution not to stare and trying not to seem overly concerned. However, he couldn't ignore this strange behavior. Something was obviously wrong. He didn't want to say anything, because he didn't want to pry. Really, the last thing he wanted was to talk about dreams after the horribly distorted illusion that he'd suffered through within his own unconscious slumber that night. _If Sanzo were to ask about that..._ he wasn't sure what he would do. He couldn't tell Sanzo the truth, but he probably couldn't lie without Sanzo knowing it either. _Perhaps, if it comes up, I'll simply omit certain details. _Specifically, any details that had anything to do with him being intimate with Sanzo. _He probably wouldn't want to know anyway._

After so many minutes of silence, watching Sanzo cower on the other side of the table like a wounded animal, he felt that he had to say something, if only to break the ice and perhaps loosen some of the tension in the air. After all, Sanzo was acting strangely. _Although, it's even more unusual that he would fire his gun in the middle of a dream like that. It must have really... been something awful. _"It's... because of that conversation we had last night, isn't it?"

_It is. _Sanzo agreed, although he knew that if he said so out loud in his current grouchy tone it would probably prick Hakkai's conscience and hurt his feelings. He could be pretty sensitive sometimes. At least, as far as Sanzo was concerned. Sensitivity definitely wasn't his strong suit. _I wish I'd never said anything. _He thought, beginning to regret the fact that he had. However, even if he hadn't said anything then: "I didn't really have a choice. I had to tell you eventually."

"I wouldn't say that you had no choice in the matter." Hakkai replied. "Although... I wouldn't have it any other way, really. I'm honored that you would trust me with something so personal. But, if it makes you uncomfortable, then...."

"Bullshit." Sanzo returned. "Besides, I couldn't have you thinking that I saved you out of the kindness in my heart or anything."

"No, I suppose not. Ha ha ha." Hakkai happily replied. He was pleased that Sanzo was starting to act more like himself. Even so, the answer was somehow unsatisfying and the mood died quickly. Sanzo returned to the same frantic mood he'd started in. "Sanzo..." he called, waiting for the monk's eyes to meet his gaze, "was it really that bad?"

Sanzo took another hit off of his cigarette, just to postpone answering Hakkai until he could think of something to say. He really didn't want to say anything, but he knew he wasn't going to get away with that. Especially after putting a nice little bullet hole in the wall. "Yes."

Although he was hesitant to ask, Hakkai wondered: "What was the dream bout?" _What could possibly upset you this much?_

_You had to ask. _Sanzo thought, taking another deep drag and then exhaling the smoke carelessly in front of him. "It was... a memory."

"A memory of what?"

"Do you remember what I told you about the first guy I killed? It was that."

"Oh, I see." Hakkai replied stiffly. He couldn't help but think to himself: _This is horrible! Sanzo is having nightmares about some ruffian who tried to rape him when he was thirteen and all I can think about is my own twisted dream about having sex with him in Gojyo's stead! _He chastised himself. _Really, I should be ashamed. _He really did feel ashamed, watching Sanzo nervously glance about the room as if the shadows would spring up and attack him. It seemed as though the very mention of this memory made him uneasy.

The thoughts of what had happened that day were making Sanzo uneasy. Particularly those memories from his past, which had haunted him for years. That one event was only the catalyst that led to years full of death, solitude, and ultimately insanity. The malicious intent riding on that man's voice, only a euphemism for the fathomless despair that had hunted him wherever he went. Even now that it was just a memory, the chilling emptiness of that time ate a hole in his heart. "It's as though... I could still feel the grip of that hand on my leg." He really didn't think it was possible to forget. If it was, then he would've done so a long time ago.

"Sanzo..." Hakkai said, intending to ask something. However, there simply were no words to describe what he was feeling. Listening to the haunted tone in Sanzo's voice, which was normally so self-assured, combined with worried expression on his face and the terror in those eyes. Without even thinking about what he was doing he reached over the table and touched Sanzo's hand.

Sanzo had been lost in thought, smoking his cigarette and sipping his tea alternatively. He'd just set the cup down and started taking a long soothing drag when he felt the gentle caress of fingertips against his skin. The suddenness of that contact was unexpected. His head had been turned in the other direction while staring off into space, but the warmth of that touch made him turn back to look. He raised his hand out of that grasp reflexively, and Hakkai's hand turned over and started to retreat. But before it could get away Sanzo's hand came back down, stopping it from going any further. For a moment, his fingers delicately traced the lines on Hakkai's palm. Then he realized what he was doing and abruptly pulled away.

_What was that? _Hakkai wondered. He looked over at Sanzo, who was avoiding his gaze again. _He must be... really hurting right now. _Somehow he felt responsible, after all the conversation they'd had that night was really for his benefit. Thinking back on it, he was still astonished that he'd actually managed to get Sanzo to cry in his arms. _I wonder, are you still feeling... like you want something like that? _"If there's anything I can do...." he offered.

"I'm fine." Sanzo gruffly replied. Honestly, he was frustrated, but only with himself. _What the hell was I doing just now? _He wondered, unable to account for what was going through his mind. Even though he still felt empty and cold, yearning for the simple warmth of that touch, he was embarrassed that he'd allowed that desire to surface. _I really don't want..._ he thought, knowing that it was the beginning of a lie. He wanted more than anything to bury his face in Hakkai's chest and feel the compassionate embrace of those arms again. He hated Hakkai for making him do it in the first place, he hated himself for actually giving in to it, and most of all he hated the fact that he was wanting it again. _If I had any sense at all I would just... ask for it. But... I can't._

Hakkai almost wanted to push the issue, but he knew that Sanzo's anger was the only thing that would await him if he did. _You are obviously distraught, and yet you still won't allow me to comfort you? _He thought, wondering why. _That thing you did with your hand in mine... are you embarrassed? _It was a silly thing for Sanzo to be embarrassed about, in his opinion. It didn't have to mean anything, and Hakkai certainly didn't mind at all. There wasn't anything wrong with it. But, knowing Sanzo, it probably bothered him more than anything else. _You shouldn't be ashamed. _Hakkai thought. _That sort of thing... is just what I'm here for. _It made him sad really, thinking that Sanzo would refuse comfort for the sole purpose of preserving his stubborn pride. _You aren't the only one who wants that, I really want to help you as well. _For a moment he seriously considered trying to force it, but at a time like this he couldn't bring himself to do so.

Impatient with the uncomfortable situation, Sanzo finished the last few sips of his tea and put out his cigarette. He got up from his seat without a word and headed back toward his room. Hakkai called after him to say good night, and he reluctantly mumbled something back just before walking through the door and slamming it behind him. With a sigh of resignation he dropped onto his bed and pulled the pack out of his robes, intent on having one last smoke before he went to bed. _That was stupid. _Although, he wasn't sure if he was referring to the way he'd touched Hakkai's hand or to the fact that he was too embarrassed to ask for what he really wanted.

Sanzo lit his cigarette and sat by the window, staring out into the night sky. It was so deceptively peaceful, the way the stars glittered in the darkness and the moon hovered over the earth shedding it's silvery light. Everything was silent and still, not so much as a breeze stirred the air. _On a night like this... _He felt that the quiet beauty of this night was cruel in the face of the memories of the past, treacherous in it's semblance of innocence, as though hiding some dark, terrifying secret. "I'm an idiot." he said. _I should have just asked him, but... I can't say anything like that._ "It would be better if this were all over."He said, knowing that accepting Hakkai's offer of comfort would have lessened the overwhelming sense of dread.

Exhausted from the events of the day, constant interruptions to his sleep, and the persistent torment of his dreams, he put the cigarette out and started getting ready for bed. After taking off pretty much everything except his jeans and tossing it all unceremoniously onto the floor, he laid down on the mattress and pulled the covers over his body. He stared up at the ceiling for a moment and then turned onto his side, burying his head in the pillow. It didn't take a whole lot of effort for him to imagine that he was resting his head on Hakkai's shoulder instead, burying his face in the soft fabric of his shirt. For all he knew, it had only been a few hours ago. He could clearly remember how burdensome, yet liberating it had been to finally let some of those pent up emotions go.

*****

The next morning Gojyo was shocked to find that he was the first one out of bed in the morning. It was normal for Sanzo to sleep in and be lazy after waking up in the middle of the night, but not for Hakkai. Even during the times when he'd only gotten a few hours of sleep he was usually awake bright and early. He was always out in the kitchen, fixing breakfast, waiting for everyone else to show up. But this morning, when Gojyo's lazy self crawled out of bed, the kitchen was empty. "That's not right." he muttered to himself. But then again he couldn't even remember the last time Hakkai had gotten a good night's sleep. _He's been up and down every night since... when? The time Rikudo showed up? _"Alright, that settles it! Hakkai's getting a good night's sleep tonight!"

Unfortunately, that left him to make something for breakfast. He looked around the kitchen for a moment before deciding to raid the fridge. There really wasn't much in there. It seemed that the inn didn't have any food at the moment, which left them with their own meager provisions. So he grabbed a couple cans of meat and potatoes, pried the lids open, and just ate it right out of the can. He was leaning against the counters and had almost finished eating the meal when a sleepy-eyed Goku hobbled out of his room, dragging the cast on his broken leg behind him.

"What's for breakfast Hakka- Gojyo?!"

"Yep. Hakkai's still sleepin' so you'll have the pleasure of tasting Gojyo's home cookin'!"

"Aw, man!" Goku cried.

"Hey! Don't act so upset about it!" Gojyo argued. "Stupid little monkey! You're lucky I'm cookin' for ya at all!"

"But... what happened to Hakkai? Why isn't he awake yet?"

"Don't you know?" Gojyo asked, looking at the dumb look on Goku's face. "Sanzo woke everybody up in the middle of the night. I can't believe you slept through the sound of that gun!"

"Did demons attack?" Goku wondered, his eyes wide with worry.

"No! He just had a bad dream. Or, at least, that's what Hakkai said."

"Maybe I should go see him."

"I wouldn't go bother that guy while he's sleepin' if I were you." Gojyo suggested. Then he turned back toward the fridge and started rummaging around for something. "Besides, you haven't had anything to eat yet." He pulled out a few odds and ends, there really wasn't much left. He ended up just throwing a bunch of things into a bowl and setting it in front of Goku. There were a few chunks of meat, but it was mostly vegetables, fruit, and noodles, all mixed in a sauce that looked like a strange combination of broth and some nameless condiment.

"This isn't food!" Goku complained.

"Just shut up an' eat!" Gojyo replied. Goku took a bite and made a face, but after he was done complaining he started eating again. Obviously it wasn't so bad that even the monkey wouldn't eat it. But then again, that wasn't much of an endorsement considering the fact that Goku would eat almost anything. Gojyo waited in the kitchen until he was done eating, got into an argument with the kid, and when it was time for him to go back to his room, Gojyo helped him hobble down the hall. It was weird with both Sanzo and Hakkai out of commission, and also strangely boring. After he'd gotten Goku back to bed he went off to look for the nearest bar. There probably wouldn't be many people there this early, but it wasn't like he had anything better to do.

As luck would have it, he did find a couple people to swindle out of their money. No pretty women to flirt with though, besides the barmaids. But that was okay, because he still got enough to buy some decent food in the market and even pick up crayons and several sheets of paper so that Goku had something to do while confined to his bed. He was really getting tired of that monkey's constant bellyaching anyway. Or at least, that was the excuse he gave himself. When he got back to the inn he put the food away first, then he went to check on Goku, who was sick of lying in bed. So he brought Goku back out to the table in the kitchen to start coloring.

By the time Hakkai finally woke up and made his way into the kitchen the table was covered with colorful drawings. Much to his surprise, Goku wasn't the only one producing them. Gojyo was also scribbling furiously on a sheet of paper. "Mine's better!" Goku said.

"No it's not!" Goyjo argued.

"Your Sanzo's arms look like coat hangers!"

"Yeah? Well, you didn't do his hair right!"

"What -are- you two doing?" Hakkai asked.

"This stupid little monkey thinks he can draw better than me!" Gojyo explained.

"That's because I CAN draw better than you, pervy water sprite!" Goku shot back.

"Fine then!" Gojyo yelled. "We'll just let Hakkai be the judge of that!" He snatched the paper Goku was working on right out from under him.

"HEY!" Goku protested.

Then Gojyo held both papers up where Hakkai could see. "There! Now tell that little monkey that mine is better!"

Not only was Hakkai put off by the awkward request, but he was also quite amused to find that both drawings looked like they'd been done by a couple of five-year-olds. _Aren't you a little old to be drawing stick figures, Gojyo? _He thought. _Sanzo's arms really do look like a clothing hanger. Ahahaha! _It was interesting that Goku actually put more detail into his drawing than Gojyo had. He really was pretty bright, all things considered. Even so, he thought it better not to humiliate either of them by saying whether he liked one drawing better then the other. "Which one was yours again?"

"Hey! Th-that's not funny damn it!" Gojyo yelled. The way he had drawn the group made it obvious which one was his, so he knew that Hakkai was just being a tease.

"Gimme that!" Goku said, snatching his drawing out of Gojyo's hands. "I wasn't done yet!"

"Yeah? Well, I'm gonna make mine even better then!" Gojyo replied, going back to work on his own drawing.

Hakkai walked closer to the table to get a better look at what they were doing. Goku stopped coloring for a moment and pointed to a round, yellow scribble on top of a few green lines with a barely perceptible scribble of white underneath it. "That's Sanzo..." he said, moving his hand over to a brown, yellow, red and white blob, "and that's me standing next to him. You're standing next to me Hakkai..." he added, pointing to a tall brown and green scribble, "and that pervy water sprite is doing something stupid over there!" He finished, pointing to a red, blue and brown mass in the upper edge of the paper. It was all Hakkai could do to keep from snickering, since the way Goku had drawn Gojyo almost made it look like he was sticking one of his hands down his pants.

"I can't get the white crayon to work!" Goku complained.

"Idiot!" Gojyo butted in. "I already told you that the white crayon doesn't work on white paper! You gotta use the black crayon to draw lines around it, like this!" Then he took the black crayon and started drawing outlines around all of the white.

"Stop! STOP! You're ruining it!" Goku cried, shooing him away.

"Hey! How come my hair looks like that?!"

"You hair looks like that because you have big ol' antennas, ya cockroach!"

"I'm not a fuckin' cockroach, ya stupid monkey!" Gojyo argued, climbing over the table to shove his palm over Goku's head. "Maybe I should draw you eating a bunch of food, since that's all you ever do!"

"Yeah? Well maybe I should draw you smoking and drinking and flirting with a bunch of women, since that's all you ever do!" Goku shot back.

Hakkai laughed at Goku's clever comeback and abruptly turned away, walking further into the kitchen. He knew that if he stayed there he would only be closer to their yelling. After opening the fridge he found a lot of food that hadn't been there the night before. He knew, because he'd put their meager food supply away himself. "Gojyo... where did all this food come from?"

"Oh, that?" Gojyo asked, stopping in the middle of his fight with Goku to answer. "I got it earlier."

"Sanzo gave you his card?"

"Nah, he's been asleep this whole time."

"You stole it from him?!"

"No! I went out to the bar and there were a few idiots who were just begging to be swindled." he said proudly. Hakkai smiled. It was really sweet of Gojyo to make the effort to take care of the group while he was asleep. If he hadn't acquired the money in such a dishonorable way, Hakkai would've been downright proud of him. "I also made breakfast for Goku." Gojyo added.

"It was AWFUL!" Goku said.

"It can't be that awful if you ate it all, you little shrimp!"

"I only ate it because I was starving!"

It was about this time that Hakkai decided to try and tune them out in favor of making something to eat. From the looks of it he'd already slept away half the day, and in addition to being hungry himself it was about lunch time for everyone else as well. He decided to make a simple meat and vegetable stir-fry on top of a bed of steamed rice, so he grabbed the ingredients and got to work. It was actually rather relaxing to him, being able to cook while Gojyo and Goku colored and argued in the background. In fact, being able to care for the group made him happy and gave him a sense of fulfillment. He felt that in serving them he had a purpose. It was nice to feel like he belonged somewhere again, and he really did feel like he was at home with these guys.

Soon the meal was ready and he cleared the table of everyone's drawings before setting down the food. Gojyo and Goku digged right in, as usual. They both seemed very thankful to have a well-cooked meal considering that they had eaten Gojyo's food for breakfast. Hakkai set a small portion out on the counter for Hakuryu and then went to go check on Sanzo. He rapped gently on the door, waited a few seconds, and then walked in.

"Get out!" Sanzo's groggy voice commanded. _I never want to crawl out of bed again. _

Hakkai didn't even bother asking him if he wanted something to eat. He felt guilty enough disturbing his sleep already. So he simply obeyed the command and left, closing the door softly behind him. When he got back to the kitchen the first thing he heard was the sound of Goku's voice, asking: "Is Sanzo okay?"

"He's fine." Hakkai replied. "However, he is still very tired." He went to go get his food and sat down next to Gojyo at the table. Somehow, things were beginning to depress him. Because of the things he had said to Sanzo that night, he felt personally responsible for causing that dream. It made him feel even more worthless that Sanzo refused to be comforted. _Perhaps I pushed him too far that night, asking all of those questions. I really didn't mean to cause him so much pain. _

"Hey, 'Kai..." Gojyo said. "Somethin' wrong?"

"Oh, it's nothing." Hakkai replied. Then he realized that he'd have to think up some excuse because he knew Gojyo would press him for a more specific answer. "I feel guilty for sleeping in so late." The answer seemed to work, and Gojyo went back to eating his meal. Then he and Goku had the usual fight over the food, and after they finally wore themselves out Gojyo took Goku back to his room. Hakkai cleaned up the table and was busy washing dishes by the time Gojyo wandered back into the kitchen. He came up next to his side and started drying the dishes that Hakkai had finished with. "Actually, I'm very concerned about Sanzo." Hakkai admitted. "The dream he had last night was one of the painful memories from his past, so..."

"Well, we're gonna be stuck here for awhile yet." Gojyo said. "It'll take some time for Goku's leg to heal, so I'm sure that we'll all get rested up by the time we have to leave again. Even that bald monk will get enough sleep."

"Yes, that's true." Hakkai replied, although it did little to ease his conscience.

"You feel guilty?" Gojyo asked. But the way he said it, he already knew that Hakkai was feeling guilty. The real question he was asking was: _Why do you feel guilty, Hakkai?_

"I said some things the other night." Hakkai explained. "I was asking a lot of questions, pushing him for answers." Really he felt guilty about a lot of things. He was even beginning to feel bad about forcing Sanzo to cry on his shoulders that one time. _Maybe I went too far. "_It was because of me that his past was brought up, so I really feel like it's my fault he had that dream."

"You know..." Gojyo began, "I don't think that Sanzo would like to hear you say something like that." _He wouldn't want you to blame yourself... and I don't want you to either._

"I guess you're right." Hakkai agreed, smiling in relief.


	12. Chapter 12 Selfish

**Selfish**

By the time Sanzo finally crawled out of bed it was already very late in the afternoon, almost into the evening. He was angry at himself for having slept so long, but at the same time he realized that it was his own fault for staying in bed even after Hakkai had come to wake him up. He got himself dressed and smoked a few cigarettes by the window before going out to confront the others. As tired as he was, there was just no way he'd be able to put up with any kind of noisy arguments or insistent stupidity without having a few minutes to himself first. Even after smoking by the window for almost half an hour the hazy feeling in his head wouldn't go away. Impatient as he was, he decided to leave the room anyway.

As he walked to the door, he found a note scrawled in Hakkai's handwriting. It told him that there were leftovers in the fridge which he could warm up if he was hungry, and that the others were in Goku's room playing a game of Mah-jhong. Wanting to avoid their company as long as possible, he went straight to the kitchen to warm up his food. After he'd finished he went out to get a newspaper and then spent several hours reading in relative silence with the occasional faint sound of Goku and Gojyo's arguing down the hall. Eventually they all came out, and Hakkai cooked dinner while Sanzo was stuck trying to end the constant quarreling of the other two. The food was done soon enough and he enjoyed a few minutes of peace while Gojyo and Goku started to gobble up everything in sight.

"We'll be fine for now, but we'll need to buy some more food tomorrow." Hakkai said. Sanzo grunted in agreement while chewing on a bite of noodles. "I was able to find a doctor in town and he said that he would come and take a look at Goku's leg within the next couple days. He's very busy, but hopefully he will be able to tell us how long we'll have to stay here until the cast comes off."

"It can't be helped." Sanzo replied, after swallowing the food in his mouth. "We can't go traveling around with an injured person while being attacked by youkai. He'd be an easy target."

"Goku could probably hold his own even with a broken leg." Hakkai mused. "However, it's nice to see you being so protective."

"Shut up!" Sanzo yelled, embarrassed by the comment. "I was just saying- it's best not to take any unnecessary risks! Any further injuries for that stupid monkey will mean even greater delays!"

"That's true." Hakkai agreed, with a happy smile that expressed how very silly he thought Sanzo's frustration was. Their conversation lapsed into the background as Goku and Gojyo started another quarrel, which Sanzo had to silence with his gun. Even after the meal was over the group sat at the table long into the night. Hakkai was walking back and forth, making more food, and then cleaning the dishes. Sanzo quickly got tired of the friendly banter and decided to retire to his room, if only for some peace and quiet. Taking advantage of a heated argument between the other two, Hakkai slipped from the room as well and followed Sanzo into the hall. He was about half-way to his door when Hakkai finally caught up to him, gently laying a hand on his shoulder.

"About last night...."

"I don't want to talk about it." Sanzo gruffly replied, continuing to walk forward in a way that left Hakkai's hand hanging in the air. He'd already made up his mind. Digging through the past never accomplished anything, it was a complete waste of time.

Knowing that it was best not to push the issue when Sanzo was like this, Hakkai allowed his hand to fall back down to his side. He watched regretfully as Sanzo walked over to the door to his room. "I was worried."

The gentle tone in Hakkai's voice was touching, but Sanzo wanted to make it clear that any further mention of the topic simply would not be tolerated. "There's nothing to worry about." Then he walked through the door, closing it quietly, but firmly behind him.

Hakkai sighed in resignation, or was it relief? He really wasn't sure. _So very stubborn... _he thought, _one of these days that attitude really is going to get you in trouble. _Surely, someday he would say something obnoxious to a powerful enemy, and they'd all be in a bind because of it. _If that day ever comes, I'm going to laugh in your face. _Although, he really couldn't imagine himself having the audacity to laugh directly in Sanzo's face. _Maybe I'll just snicker about it behind your back instead._

It was about this time that everyone decided to go to bed. Gojyo let Goku rest one arm over his shoulder as the two of them hobbled over to his room. Hakkai watched them thinking that it really was the sweetest thing, the way Gojyo had watched over Goku that day. Almost like a doting older brother. He waited patiently in the hall until Gojyo emerged from the room.

"Is there somethin' you wanted?" Gojyo asked.

"No, nothing in particular." Hakkai replied. "Isn't there something that you wanted though?"

"Well, yeaaaah... to be perfectly honest." Gojyo confessed, with a knowing smirk on his face. He really did want it, but he'd promised himself that Hakkai was going to get a good night's rest tonight, no matter what the cost. "It's okay, I can take care of myself for one night. Besides, you really need to get some rest, Hakkai."

"I'm really not-" he started to complain, but then Gojyo leaned in closer and sealed those lips with a kiss. _I'm not tired._

"Sweet dreams." It was the end of the discussion, Gojyo went straight into his room.

Hakkai stood there in the hallway looking confused for a minute. He really didn't think that he could fall asleep, having slept in so late that day. There wasn't any better way he could think of to pass the time than sneaking into Gojyo's room, and doing... what they always did in there. However, it was a very kind thing that Gojyo was trying to do for him, and he didn't want to seem ungrateful. So, he simply wandered off into his own room. He got undressed, took a cold shower, put his pajamas on and then he laid down in bed. He really tried to go to sleep, but it just wasn't working.

_This is silly... _he thought, trying to ignore the swelling heat of arousal between his legs. _I should just go and tell him that I can't sleep. _But he knew that even if he did, Gojyo would probably send him right back to bed again. While he was in his protective phase like this, Gojyo could actually be very stubborn. _Why am I wanting this so much lately? Isn't lechery supposed to be Gojyo's specialty? _The fact was that he'd been wanting it much more often than usual over the last few days, it was unlike him. It was a change in his normal behavior which he simply couldn't account for. _Oh, well... I suppose there's no way around it then. _

He reached down into his pajama bottoms and wrapped his fingers around his own warm, swollen erection, brushing gently over the head before moving down to stroke the entire length. _Ah, yes! _He thought, closing his eyes. If he did it this way, he could always pretend that it was Gojyo's hand. It felt better that way. _Gojyo... _Thinking about him, Hakkai sped up the pace, moving his hand in quick, uneven strokes, the way Gojyo always did. _Sloppy... _he thought. _The way you always handle me... is dirty and reckless... like you're too passionate to show any restraint. Although, I'm too polite to admit it... I truly take a great deal of pleasure... in being touched this way. _

That hand moved faster and faster over his sex, sending waves of gratification though his body, making him weak in the knees. _Yes, rough like that... hard and unprincipled... _He was already gasping for air when the words whispered breathlessly from his lips: "...Go-jyo... G-Gojyo!" The heat built up inside of his body, persistently aching for something... something to touch him there, to hit that spot. Hastily, he pulled his pants down and turned over onto his side, inserting his finger through the puckered opening and into his rectum. "Unf...!" he groaned softly, in spite of his resolve to keep quiet. The feel of that finger inside him was so intensely satisfying. _Just a little more... _His hand kept moving, stroking up and down his heated length, mercilessly.

_All I need now is... that thing Gojyo does with his tongue. _Hakkai thought. In absence of having Gojyo's tongue, he let go of his cock for a moment and stuck his thumb into his open mouth, licking it all over until it was covered with a copious amount of saliva. Then he brought it back down, swiping it back and forth across the sensitive area on the underside of his head. _That's it...! _"Yes... Gojyo!" Then he came, his whole lower body throbbing as it squeezed the searing fluid through his groin and then up out of his body. He pulled his finger out of his ass, freeing up the strain on his arm. The other hand coiled around the base of his member as his muscled contracted, squeezing every last drop out onto the sheets. _Ah, that... that was good. _

He laid there stiffly, waiting for his heart to stop racing while he tried to catch his breath. His body was somehow dripping with sweat, and there was a warm puddle of semen on the edge of the bed. _This is bad. _He thought. _How am I going to clean this up? _His head was still clouded with passion. Try as he might, he couldn't think of anything. After resting for a few minutes more he finally got the throbbing in his body to stop, and his heart rate back down. Then he vaulted off the bed, so as not to get stuck in his self-made puddle of goo. "What am I going to do about this?" he asked himself, pulling his pajamas back into place.

Of course, the first thing would be to remove the fitted sheet that had been the unfortunate victim of his self-indulging moment of weakness. He un-tucked it from the four corners of the bed, and made sure that the pillow, blanket, and other sheet were all out of the way before carefully whisking it off in such a way that he didn't spill anything onto the floor. Then he crumpled it together and tied it up into a nice, round ball so that the mess was at the center and everything on the outside was clean. After that he used the plain sheet in place of the fitted one, tucking the corners under the bed. He replaced the pillow by the headboard, and laid back down. Even then, he still couldn't seem to fall asleep.

"I really shouldn't have slept in so late." he chastised himself. _All this energy, and nothing to do with it. _Instead of feeling tired, like he knew he should, he almost felt like bouncing off the walls now. _Nothing good will come of this. _He couldn't think of anything productive to do, and was afraid that he'd made a big enough mess of his bed already. _Maybe if I had just one hot cup of green tea, then I could relax. Yes, that sounds like a good idea. _Without the slightest bit of hesitation, he leapt out of bed and stood on the floor. He walked out to the kitchen, prepared his tea, and he was just sitting down to drink it when the front door opened and Sanzo walked in to the room, followed by a rapidly dissipating cloud of cigarette smoke. Hakkai smiled and said: "I take it, you couldn't sleep either."

Sanzo stood there, motionless as a statue for a moment while the smoke swirled around him and out the open door he'd just walked through. He was annoyed, really. The last thing he'd expected was for someone to be here when he came back in. Of course he hadn't been able to sleep. He'd been up for hours, reading and smoking, trying to find some way to pass the time. At one point he had actually tried laying down, but his mind simply wasn't tired. He'd slept through most of the day and once again felt completely restless at night. Instead of answering Hakkai's question, he simply grunted and closed the door behind him.

Noticing the scowling expression on his face, Hakkai asked: "Have I upset you somehow?"

"I'm not angry... with you." Sanzo blankly stated, walking quickly through the kitchen toward the hall that led to the bedroom doors.

"If that's true, then..." Hakkai began in a pleasant tone, but then changed abruptly to a more serious command. "Don't avoid me."

Sanzo exhaled sharply, and smiled in a sarcastic way that meant he was really getting ticked off. He simply wanted to avoid any mention of his past, whatsoever. Why did Hakkai have to prove himself to be so difficult? "Your personality has really taken a turn for the worst." he commented. However, he wasn't really trying to avoid Hakkai at all. To prove it, he walked back over to the table and pulled out the nearest chair, right around the corner from the spot Hakkai currently occupied. He sat down and glared defiantly into the young man's eyes startled green eyes while putting out his cigarette in the nearest ashtray. _You happy now, Hakkai? _"What do you want?"

_An interesting question... _Hakkai thought, wondering to himself: _What do I want from you, Sanzo? _"I really... just wanted to know that you weren't upset with me."

"Tch... idiot." Sanzo said. _Why would I be upset with you? I shouldn't even have to say this! _Feeling frustrated, he pulled the ever-present pack of Marlboros out of his robe along with a lighter. Then he drew another cigarette out of the pack and lit up. Really, he hated being awake this late. Especially so many nights in a row. It was beginning to remind him of that time when he first arrived at the Keiun temple, haunted by nightmares of his past and unable to sleep. Being up all night, the light of the moon shining brightly through his window, weighing on him so heavily that even while he was awake he had no peace of mind. "I'm not a night-owl. If you've got anything else to say, make it quick."

"I actually wanted to ask you..." Hakkai paused, considering again whether he really ought to be saying this or not. But he had been wondering ever since the other night why Sanzo had touched his hand that way. It wasn't like him. "...were you really wanting me to comfort you last night?" _Or... am I just deceiving myself?_

The very sound of the question made Sanzo angry. _How many times do I have to tell you that I don't..._ he thought, getting really annoyed."If I wanted something like that I would ask for it!"

"Would you?" Hakkai asked, glancing slyly over at his companion while casually sipping at his cup of tea. _I wonder..._

Sanzo sighed and turned the other way. Hakkai had him this time. Hakkai had him right where he wanted him, and he hated it. He took another hit to calm his nerves. As he exhaled the smoke out into the air, he closed his eyes and allowed some of the tension he was feeling to simply float away with it. Hakkai watched in curiosity as the rigid expression of anger on his face loosened into what could only be described as a jaded, melancholy look. _I really did want that... _Sanzo admitted to himself, _but, what point is there in acknowledging this now? The time for something like that has already passed._ He decided that he wasn't going to say anything. Knowing Hakkai, he was probably already able to read the expression on his face as clearly as though he'd been thinking out loud anyway.

"I'm tired." he stated, and then he got up and went to bed. Hakkai let him go without saying a single word. He already knew what he had wanted to know.

*****

The next morning, for the first time in many nights, everyone woke up refreshed after having a good night's sleep. Even Hakkai and Sanzo, after staying up late, were eventually able to go to bed for the night and get enough rest. Hakkai was up first in the morning and had breakfast ready before anyone else even so much as stirred from their rooms. Then came Goku and Sanzo, all before Gojyo got his lazy self out of bed. Company at the table was cheerful and lively as usual, and after it was over Sanzo handed his credit card to Hakkai so that he and Gojyo could go out shopping while he stayed at the inn with Goku. Doing the shopping was fine with Hakkai, and it went well at first, but after several minutes out in the open square his mind started to wander.

There was this feeling of uncertainty, as though there were so many conflicting thoughts in his head that he simply couldn't make sense of them at all. He also felt like so much had changed lately. It was strange, but he didn't feel like he was the same person anymore. In a way, he supposed that he really wasn't. Having finally put the guilt from his past away, he felt like a new man somehow. This feeling of not doubting himself at every turn was something that he simply hadn't gotten used to yet, even after days of feeling this way. He supposed that it was simply something that was going to take time.

However, something else was bothering him. He felt that his relations with Sanzo had become oddly strained lately, and he knew that this was partly due to that change. The person that he was before never would have been so insistent, so intent on proving himself or having Sanzo see things his way. Even thought he was doing it out of concern, he felt very selfish somehow, and then he wondered: _Is this the way Sanzo feels? _After considering the monk's earlier remarks, it was quite possible. _You said, you saved me selfishly... and in a way, I held you selfishly that night. You didn't want me to comfort you, I didn't want you to save me. I wanted to die back then, and just a few nights ago you wanted... to just keep hurting. _It was strange, to think of it this way. _Are we the same?_

"Hey, Hakkai!" It was Gojyo's voice, just a few feet to his side. "What's wrong with you? Are you spacin' out or something?!"

Hakkai looked up at Gojyo with a rather embarrassed expression on his face. "I'm sorry."

"You've been staring at that piece of fruit long enough! Are we gonna buy that thing or not?"

"Oh, this?" Hakkai asked, realizing that Gojyo was talking about the peach he was holding in his hand. "Ah, it seems to be ripe enough." he threw it into the basket he was carrying and then continued with what he was doing, focusing on getting the things he'd came here for.

_So much has changed since that time..._ he thought. _But really, it's just that I've changed, isn't it? _Sanzo really hadn't changed at all, even though his knowledge of what happened in Sanzo's past certainly had. That was really the biggest part of the issue. The things he'd done and said over the past few days had completely confounded any assumptions that Hakkai had ever made about the man. He'd always looked up to Sanzo, viewing him as someone who was strong and self-assured. However, in light of recent events he couldn't help but realize that Sanzo had his own set of doubts and weakness.

Not that he was ever under the illusion that Sanzo was faultless. Quite the contrary, he was well aware many negative aspects of the priest's blunt, belligerent character. However, it was still astonishing to him that at one point in Sanzo's life, he had actually wanted to die. Somewhere, underneath his coarse, unyielding exterior, there was doubt, fear, and perhaps even a lingering sense of worthlessness. At one point in his life, Sanzo had completely and utterly despised himself. Surely, something like this would come as a shock to anyone who knew the man.

Hakkai felt that in knowing these things, it was as though his eyes were finally open. Like they had somehow been closed, shut to the truth all this time. It was almost as if he had been blind. _But, only in one eye. _He thought, laughing ever so faintly. _Really, that is a bad joke... _even though, he did believe the analogy was appropriate, _I think that saying something like that out loud would offend someone. _Particularly Gojyo or Sanzo. He couldn't imagine either of them being terribly amused if they heard it. _But it's true, that I really haven't been paying full attention, _he thought. _I have always been so focused on proving myself, that I never really stopped to consider how Sanzo might feel. I wondered about it all this time, but my own vision... my constant dwelling on the past, it blinded me... partially... at least._ _Now that I know the truth... what do I think? _

When he considered the reason he had wanted to be around Sanzo before, to serve him as a means of compensating for all that he had given him, things really had changed since then. He didn't feel indebted to Sanzo anymore. _However, that still doesn't mean that I don't want to be here. _In fact, after all Sanzo had said to him, revealing a secret that he had kept locked away in his heart like that, _really what I want, is to share the burden of that pain you bare... and help lift it if I can. Is it inappropriate for me to think this way? _He wondered, _By your estimation, Sanzo... is my behavior toward you... becoming selfish? _Even if that were true, Hakkai thought that it might be better that way, for both of them._ You no longer... have to be selfish on your own. _


	13. Chapter 13 Hold Nothing

**Hold Nothing**

"HAKKAI!!" Gojyo yelled.

"GAH!" Hakkai jumped, dropping the basket he was carrying. A several pieces of fruit keeled tumbled all around his feet.

"I've been calling you for a long time now! What the hell?!" he bent over to pick up the mess Hakkai had spilled.

"I'm sorry," Hakkai replied, looking down at what Gojyo was doing. There were over a dozen peaches on the ground.

_We don't need this many peaches... _Gojyo thought._ There's nothing he could possibly make with that many. _"There's definitely something wrong with you."

"I was... just thinking about something."

"Usually when you're "just thinking about something" you don't buy a whole basket full of fuckin' peaches!"

"Ah... I might've become a bit distracted," Hakkai shamefully admitted.

"Ya think?!" Gojyo said, picking up the last of the things. He kept about eight of them and put the rest back on the stand they'd originally come from. "All right, out with it! What's going on in that twisted mind of yours?!"

"Actually, I'd rather not talk about it now. Perhaps when we get back to the inn." he suggested, paying the merchant and then moving on to the next stand.

"Ya weirdo." Gojyo muttered, reluctantly following after him. There were still a few things they needed to get at the market, but after they finally had everything that they came for they went straight back to the inn. After setting everything down on the table they both started stuffing things into the fridge and filling the cupboards. "All right, spill!"

"I already did," Hakkai joked. "Ah ha ha ha."

"I'm not talkin' about that!" Gojyo complained, wondering how Hakkai could joke so easily. "Just... what the hell were you thinking back there, anyway?"

"This is going to sound all wrong, but... lately, I can't stop thinking about Sanzo," Hakkai explained, Gojyo stopped what he was doing and looked over at him, arching an eyebrow. Hakkai continued without noticing. "There was something about the way he stood up for me in front of Chin Yiso, and then... something he said later that night, which has really changed my perception of him. It's so confusing. I can't seem to get him out of my mind. It's gotten to the point where I've even started to dream about him."

Then, for some inexplicable reason, Gojyo started laughing. Hakkai turned to look at his mirthful companion and Gojyo's laughter came even harder, almost to the point where it looked as though he would fall over and start rolling around on the floor.

"Did I say something funny?" Hakkai asked, wondering why Gojyo was laughing at something that he was completely serious about instead of laughing at his joke about spilling the peaches.

"I can't believe it!" Gojyo chuckled. "Well... it's about damned time! I was wondering how long it would take you to finally confess that you'd fallen for the guy!"

"I-I did what?!" Hakkai asked, more startled than anything. He should've known that Gojyo would take something like that the wrong way. "That's not what I meant."

"Aw, come on Hakkai!" The hanyou countered. "Ya really didn't think I'd notice? Ever since you first moved in, at every sign of trouble, you were always off to Sanzo's temple!"

"But, Gojyo... that's not the reason-"

"Like when Banri came around, remember that?"

"Please don't bring up that low-life. I can't believe you actually allowed him to become your lover!"

"You really hated that guy, didn't ya? Hey, it's like I always tell ya, we were really just "friends with benefits" and not--."

"I don't want to talk about it."

"Fine, fine... but I'm still not gonna drop the thing about Sanzo. I'm sure ya had yourself convinced that you were only over there because you wanted to thank him for what he did for you, but that still doesn't explain how you're always hangin' off the guy! Even back then you were always inviting him and Goku over for dinner, and..."

"That's because they were the only other people around that I knew."

"Geez... you're really gonna be stubborn about this aren't ya? You can tell me, ya know." Gojyo said, with a wink. "I won't tell the pissy monk."

"Gojyo," Hakkai replied, in that exasperated tone which said that Gojyo was just hopeless.

"It's really not the little things like that, anyway." Gojyo continued. "It's just... the way you look at the guy, and the way you talk with him sometimes..."

"Do I... look at Sanzo strangely?" Hakkai wondered.

"I wouldn't say "strangely" it's just--" he glanced into Hakkai's face and then decided that he'd gotten it all wrong. He had thought that Hakkai was just in denial it at first, but now he realized that he was serious. "Ya know what? Never mind." Then he turned and walked away. _That was pretty stupid, projecting my fantasies onto Hakkai like that. _

Hakkai wondered if he really did talk to Sanzo in a way that made it look like he was interested in him. For some reason, he was seriously disturbed by that thought. _Come to think of it, I've never really allowed myself to even consider being attracted to him. _Of course, that didn't necessarily mean that what Gojyo said was true. _But, if I've really never thought about it... then how would I know?_ Either way, Gojyo's accusations were unduly unnerving to him.After all, Gojyo was the type of person who would know something like that. Not that Gojyo was particularly observant, but his gaydar was hardly ever wrong. He could spot someone who was interested in him across a crowded bar even if the lights were low and he was nearly wasted.

_Do you really think I have a thing for Sanzo? _Hakkai wondered. _No, that can't be... you were just joking, right? Just teasing me... and trying to get under my skin, I'm sure._ Really, he wasn't sure at all. He was already aware that he came off as being partial to Sanzo; the word 'clingy' had even been used. _But that's only because he's the one that saved my life! _The last time he'd said something like that, Gojyo had pointed out that he had saved Hakkai's life too, but Hakkai didn't treat him the same way he treated Sanzo. To which Hakkai had replied that it was because Sanzo was different. _It's just that attitude of his, along with the words he said that day.... _

But really, it was the way Sanzo had taken responsibility for him, without the slightest hint of doubt. Hakkai hadn't thought much of it back then, because he'd barely known Sanzo at that point. _To take me in like that... without so much as even a false, face-saving complaint. It isn't like him. _It was like Gojyo to pick something up out of the dirt, or for Goku to naïvely trust someone based on his child-like sense of right and wrong, but for someone like Sanzo to save another person like that was unusual. It surely meant something, although he wasn't entirely certain what it meant. Knowing that Sanzo had once been through a similar experience shed some light on the often-revisited subject. Still, he felt there was something missing.

_Loneliness. _Try as he might, and Sanzo certainly did, that was one thing he couldn't hide from Hakkai. _I, who have known loneliness since my earliest memories of life... did you truly believe that you could conceal this truth from me? _He didn't fault Sanzo for trying to hide it, he simply thought it was counter-productive. In the same way, rejecting help only served to make things worse. _Just as you're rejecting people, always keeping them at arm's length. _

That was really the heart of the problem: Sanzo's rejection of help and companionship, his underlying fear and insecurity. Most people would probably never see that side of him, but Hakkai saw all of those things quite clearly. _It's because of this that I've never even allowed myself to consider... what? _By now it was obvious to all parties considered that he wanted -something- from Sanzo, but even if that something was only a closer friendship. However, getting close to Sanzo in any way was nearly impossible. _This is exactly the issue with him. How can I even consider having an interest in someone who can't even properly acknowledge a friend? _It was a decent question, but unfortunately it was also one which lacked a reasonable resolution.

_Yet, the bond we share is undeniably strong. _There was no doubt that the ties between them were thick, even compelling at times. _But not because of any attraction... _Hakkai thought. It was because they both knew the agony of losing a person who had been the whole world to them. Then, the guilt-ridden terror of taking innumerable lives for an entirely selfish purpose. _The two of us are nothing more than a pair of vindictive murderers, _he thought. Gojyo and Goku, who had only killed to protect themselves, were relatively innocent in comparison. _Sanzo and I were people who, under no influence other than our own frail judgment... killed so many, intentionally and without regret. For this, both of our hearts and souls are truly... black._

He'd also learned recently that they shared in the absolute anguish that it took to make a person prefer dying over living. Hakkai knew that he could never forget the way it felt, no matter how much stronger he'd become or how many ways he'd found to leave the past behind. He could still remember lying in the mud and wishing for nothing more than death, as though the very fires of hell would be a respite in comparison with the searing pain inside his heart. It was haunting for him to think of Sanzo giving in to such despair. Although he could picture the way Sanzo had held that gun to his head, the image still felt unreal. _Do you really think so little of yourself?_ Hakkai wasn't sure whether Sanzo still thought of himself that way or not. Either way, the fact remained that at some point in the past, they had both wanted to die. _Because of this, the bond we share is... irrevocable. _

There were times when Hakkai thought that Sanzo might be the only one who was truly capable of comprehending what was going through his mind three years ago.Whether he wanted it or not, they shared this understanding. As much as he tried to downplay it in front of Gojyo, or even in order to easy Sanzo's discomfort with emotion, he couldn't deny it. The connection they had was meaningful, intimate, and immeasurably deep. _Is it wrong to feel this way about someone who is "just a friend"? _Hakkai wondered. _Does this sort of thing... somehow transcend friendship and become something else entirely?_ Now that he thought about it, he wasn't sure that it was appropriate to have such strong feelings for a friend. _If there is a line between friendship and... something more... where would it be drawn, and how would I know whether I've already crossed it?_

Hakkai was very confused. If there was a line, then it was fuzzy and lacked any sort of meaningful definition. Like most people, he'd often assumed that sexual attraction was the defining factor. However, a relationship based solely on that merit had little, if any value in his eyes. What Hakkai sought, what he had always looked for in a companion, was a meaningful emotional connection. Sex, although it played an important part, was only an extension of that. _To want to be closer to someone... _he thought, realizing that he really did want to be closer to Sanzo. Although he still wanted to deny it with every fiber of his being he knew: _Gojyo was right!_

_No... wait. He can't be right! _His mind wandered over the dream he'd had a few nights ago, in which he'd taken Sanzo to bed. _I don't want that with Sanzo! _The idea of being physically intimate with him was simply unbearable, but even as he thought about that Hakkai realized that he didn't mean it. Sanzo wasn't repulsive to him in any way. _What I want is..._ As his mind sought out an answer, there came another memory from a few nights back: The feel of Sanzo's finger tracing the cleft in his hand. His face reddened. Not only at the memory, but at its implications. Not only had he enjoyed the few brief moments of that touch, he also wanted more. _Holding hands is... something that friends do, right? It's not... something that is only done by lovers. _However, he knew that sort of thinking was desperate. _I'm really... in denial!_

"This is horrible!" he yelled out loud. _I can't be falling for Sanzo! Not now... not after all this time!_ It didn't make any sense. Unless, as Gojyo had suggested, he had really felt that way for three years. _There's just no way... _he thought, although it had been true that he had wanted to be closer to Sanzo back then as well. _But even back then, you were already pushing me away. _When he thought about it that way, he realized that he had always held back because he knew that Sanzo didn't want to get any closer to him. "Curse you and your emotional constipation, Sanzo!" he cried, pounding a fist into the counter. _If you had only acknowledged me in some way... then maybe I wouldn't feel like this. _Unfortunately, he realized that this assumption wasn't valid either.

"Hakkai?" Gojyo's voice drifted from down the hall. He walked out of his room and out into the kitchen. "You all right?"

"Yes, I'm fine," Hakkai replied, putting on the best smile he could manage.

"I thought I heard somethin'," Gojyo said, looking around. "Well, I guess you finally got the groceries put away."

"I did?" Hakkai asked, turning to the side to look over the table. It was empty, of course. He couldn't even remember where he'd put everything.

"You really are out of it today, aren't ya?" Gojyo asked, walking up to give him a pat on the back.

"I think... you might be right."

"Yep, I'm always right!" Gojyo cheerfully replied. Then he realized that something was going on, and he might have taken that comment in the wrong context. "Um, Hakkai... what am I right about again?"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai moaned, hanging his head. _You really are hopeless, aren't you? _"That thing you said earlier... about me falling for Sanzo."

"Oh, right! About that: I was really jus'--" he stopped short when he saw the solemn expression on his face. "Hey... you're serious about this, aren't ya?"

"This is awful, Gojyo! What am I going to do?"

"Well..." Gojyo trailed off. Then he turned around and lifted himself up to sit on the edge of the counter, pulled a cigarette out of his pack, and lit it up. "You should probably tell 'im, right? 'Cause you know Sanzo... if you don't say anything, he'll probably figure it out."

"You're right!" Hakkai agreed, leaning over the counter in exasperation. _But... how can ever I tell him about something like this?_

"Hakkai..." Gojyo called, waiting to make sure he had his full attention.

"Yes?"

"This... isn't gonna change anything between the two of us, is it?"

"No." Hakkai immediately replied. "Or at least, I don't think so," he added, realizing that he'd been presumptuous. Maybe Gojyo was bothered by the fact that he was attracted to Sanzo. "I certainly don't want for anything to change between the two of us."

"Good." Gojyo said with a pleased smile. "'Cause I don't want anything like that to happen either."

"Gojyo..." Hakkai said. That was so very like him, to simply brush something like that aside as though it didn't even matter. He had almost expected for Gojyo to be angry at him, or maybe even hurt, but instead he was completely supportive. _I'm really... very spoiled, _he thought. Then he grabbed Gojyo's shirt and pulled him down off of the counter, straightening himself up in the process. His lips captured Gojyo's mouth, and then he started plunging in deeply with his tongue, passionately tasting every inch of the earthy, sensuous flavor. _Thank you, Gojyo! Thank you so much for always being... so very kind, gentle and accepting of me. _Gojyo's arms circled around him, and his tongue danced inside his mouth. Hakkai kept kissing back, moving his hand up to run his fingers through those crimson locks. They were completely oblivious when a door creaked open down the hall.

Sanzo stepped out into the corridor, holding the door open while waiting for Goku to limp across the room. Growing impatient over the wait, he turned and looked into the kitchen. That was when he saw them. _What the fuck? _He couldn't believe the sight that met his eyes. _Making out... in the middle of the god-damned kitchen?! _Goku was getting close to the door, so Sanzo drew his gun and fired into the air above his head. The loud bang of the shot startled everyone.

"IDIOTS!!"

Both Gojyo and Hakkai stopped kissing and stared down the hall at Sanzo like a couple of deer staring into at the headlights of an oncoming car.

"Sanzo, what's going on?" Goku asked, limping within inches of the doorway. Hakkai and Gojyo panicked, frantically untangling themselves from each other and putting plenty of space between their bodies before Goku got close enough to see them.

"Nothing. Just... keep walking," Sanzo answered.

Goku hobbled through the doorway and stared down the hall, noticing nothing unusual except for the way Hakkai and Gojyo were slumped over the counter.

Sanzo closed the door and then hurried past Goku and right up to the counter. When he got there he stopped just short of the bar and glared angrily at both of them. His indignant gaze finally settled on Hakkai. "Didn't I tell you that I didn't want to see anything?!"

"Hey, there's no need to get angry!" Gojyo said. He came to Hakkai's rescue by leaning closer and diverting Sanzo's attention. "You aren't jealous by any chance, are ya?"

"Perverted kappa!" Sanzo yelled, smacking him over the head with his paper fan. He stood there fuming for a moment while Goku edged closer, and then he looked back over at Hakkai. "What did you tell that idiot?"

Hakkai froze in sheer horror. "I... um... I-I didn't--"

"It was just a joke!" Gojyo yelled, rubbing his head.

"Hey, what's going on!" Goku demanded. "You guys are actin' weird!"

"Go sit at the table, baka saru!" Sanzo yelled, whacking him over the head with the paper fan as well.

"Hey, that hurt! You're gonna make me fall and break my other leg!" Goku whined.

"Cute bastard," Gojyo said, looking at Sanzo. Hakkai glanced over at Gojyo in shock. Not because he was surprised by the comment; Gojyo often said things like that. It was because, for the first time, he realized that he actually agreed. Gojyo turned his grinning face to look at Hakkai, and they stared at each other for a moment. Then they they both burst into full-blown laughter.

"What the hell--?" Sanzo wondered, looking back at them. _Now they're laughing at me? _"You guys really wanna die?!"

"No, not really!" Hakkai replied, trying to cover his mouth as best he could.

"We'll stop, we'll stop!" Gojyo added, managing to look afraid somehow in spite of the fact that he was still laughing.

Sanzo just sighed and walked over to the table, sitting down across from Goku. He set down the crayons and paper so that Goku could color while he sat and read a newspaper. Gojyo and Hakkai slowly wandered out from behind the counter and over to see what was going on. Then a rare thing happened: Sanzo's stomach growled. He put the paper on the table and looked down at his stomach curiously. "Hn... it's been a while since breakfast," he muttered, getting up and walking to the fridge.

"Hey, Hakkai... are you gonna make lunch?" Goku asked.

"I suppose I probably should get started," Hakkai answered. "It's a little late... but we just got back from shopping, so I didn't have the time to start sooner."

"What the fuck?!" Sanzo yelled, peering into the fridge.

"Is there a problem?" Hakkai asked.

Sanzo grabbed something out of the fridge and then peered into a cupboard. "What idiot put the food away?!"

"I put it away myself."

"There are closed cans of tuna in the fridge and ripe peaches in the cupboards!" he complained, turning around with one in each hand. The way he glared at Hakkai clearly communicated that he thought the young man was lying to him about something.

"I can explain..." Hakkai said, trying to quickly think up some rational excuse for his behavior that didn't involve the truth in any way.

"Hakkai's not feeling good today!" Gojyo said, walking over and patting him on the back. "Isn't that right, Hakkai?" he asked, with a wink.

"I-- um..." Hakkai muttered, startled by the suddenness of Gojyo's actions.

"He got a little winded after we were done shoppin'." Gojyo continued. "I think he might've picked up some kind of cold walkin' around all those people!"

"Is that so?" Sanzo asked, looking both annoyed and unconvinced at the same time.

"Yeah! In fact, you should probably go lie down now, Hakkai!" Gojyo said, pushing him in the direction of their rooms. Hakkai almost stumbled over his own two feet, and then they both started running toward his bedroom door.

"Hey! Don't think you can get away with a lame excuse like that!" Sanzo yelled after them. "Get back here you--" They both ran into the room and the door slammed behind them. "--bastards."

Hakkai had fallen down onto his bedroom floor while Gojyo leaned against the door, as though barricading it from Sanzo with his body. "Whew! That was a close one!"

"He really-- had me on the spot... a couple times." Hakkai panted. "Wouldn't it have been awful if he had found out?"

"Oh yeah, that woulda been scary!" Gojyo agreed. "Did you see the look on that guy's face? He was fuckin' pissed! Hehehe!"

"Thank you for covering for me," Hakkai said, although he felt the words inadequate to explain the true extent of his gratitude.

"For you Hakkai, I'd do it any time," Gojyo said, giving him a playful wink. Hakkai smiled up at him and then they both relaxed. Gojyo finally pulled away from the door and Hakkai grabbed into a table and pulled himself up onto his feet.

"Gojyo..." Hakkai began, wanting to stop the jokes and talk seriously for a moment. "Are you really all right with this?"

"Hm?" Gojyo asked, looking confused. Then he remembered what they were talking about. "I don't really have room to complain about you having a crush on the dirty monk while I'm out bangin' the girl next door, Hakkai."

"Yes, but... that's different. It's not like you actually love any of those women."

"You're not sayin'... that you're actually in love with Sanzo, are ya?"

"Wha--? N-NO!!" Hakkai nervously replied. "I-I mean, it's probably too early to tell...." _Even though I've known Sanzo for a long time, it's not as though I've always been aware of those feelings._ "I was just saying that it's not the same, because..." He paused for a moment to regain his composure and consider his words. "Either way you look at it, Sanzo means something to me. It's not like the way you are with women. Doesn't that bother you?"

"Tch, are you kiddin' me? I've been wanting to get into that guy's pants ever since the day I met 'im!"

"Gojyo..." Hakkai sighed. _Really, you are incorrigible. _He stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Gojyo's chest, hugging him tightly. There weren't enough words to describe how thankful he was to have someone like that. "I just.... I wonder..." _Even if you're all right, I think that Sanzo's going to be very upset when he finds out. _"What if this changes everything?"

"Nah, I don't think that'll happen. It'd take something really big to change _everything_, right?"

"This is pretty big... at least, to me."

"Hakkai..." Gojyo began, stopping for a moment to try to find the right words to the question forming in his mind. "What're you so... afraid of?"

_Rejection, I guess, _Hakkai thought to himself. But realistically, he was expecting Sanzo to reject him. Hoping for anything better than that would be foolish. What really bothered him the most was the thought: _What if Sanzo doesn't want to be around me anymore after this? _"I suppose I'm afraid that... learning of my feelings will bother Sanzo."

"He's a tough guy," Gojyo pointed out. "He'll get over it, yeah?"

"Gojyo..." Hakkai looked at him, and smiled with genuine warmth. Not only because Gojyo was right, but because he cared. He straightened his body and used his tongue to prod into Gojyo's mouth, savoring the taste of him with long passionate strokes until Gojyo pulled away.

"Ya think that maybe, later on tonight, we could...?"

"Yes."

Then Gojyo's mouth widened into a disarming smile. "For now, I think... I'll go out and face that stinking monk. You stay here and relax, okay?" Hakkai nodded in agreement, while Gojyo stepped out the door. Just before closing it behind him he turned around and said: "Hey Hakkai, stay in bed and act like you're sick! My ass is on the line, here!"

"Well, I certainly wouldn't want anything to happen to that." Hakkai cheerfully replied.

"Tch... and people think _I'm_ the pervert," Gojyo complained, just before shutting the door.

Hakkai lay back on the bed, thinking that Gojyo was really very smart when he needed to be. He'd certainly saved him from what could have potentially been a complete disaster. Also, it really was better if he stayed away from the others for a while, at least until he could clear his head. Sanzo already knew that something strange was going on with him, and it wouldn't be long before he demanded an explanation. It was sweet of Gojyo to protect him, but Hakkai still didn't know what he was going to say when the time came. _I suppose I'm going to have to word things carefully... _he thought. _But really, how can I explain this? _He couldn't seem to find a solution. The more he thought about it, the less certain he was that phrasing his thoughts in any one particular way was a good idea. None of the words he could think of really seemed to fit.

_Even if I don't know what to say, I have to say something, right? _Hakkai wondered. He didn't think that he'd really be able to get away with telling anything less than the truth. Sanzo could tell when he was lying, when he was nervous, and even when he was holding something back. _I suppose, the least I could do is tell him the truth. Don't I owe him that much? _Of course, he wasn't sure what kind of reaction he expected to get from the truth. He was quite certain that whatever it was, it wouldn't be pretty. It was all too obvious that Sanzo wasn't interested in anyone, and Hakkai was afraid that even admitting his feelings would make the monk uncomfortable.

He was reluctant to say anything, but he simply couldn't lie. Sugar-coating the truth in any way was also out. It would only serve to frustrate the impatient priest and make him angry. _If Sanzo's going to reject me anyway, then I suppose that the exact wording I use really doesn't matter. _Hakkai finally decided. But he was worried that even an honest admission would incite Sanzo's legendary fury.When he thought about it like that, he really just wanted it to be over already.

_Even if my feelings are rejected... it does no good to deny them, does it? _The last thing he wanted was to start dragging a lot of emotional baggage around again. Especially right after he'd finally slipped from the clinging grasp of his past guilt. _All the conflict that I feel inside myself right now... is because I'm in denial,_ he reasoned. If that was true then he knew that accepting his true feelings would at least bring some relief. _So, I should just stop fighting against it, right? _The assumption made sense, but somehow he still felt reluctant. _At the same time, I shouldn't become too complacent, either. _Any choice he made seemed to pose some level of risk. It made him feel oddly vulnerable.

The weather had started to warm up recently. Sunlight poured into his room, heating the air in spite of a cool breeze blowing through the window. While lying there in the soothing comfort of his bed, his thoughts started to wander aimlessly. When he let down his defenses that way, he was surprised at how strong his feelings really were. Somewhere in between his conscious mind and the subconscious thoughts floating around in his head he wondered: _Is it really such a bad thing if it turns out that I'm in love with Sanzo? _Even though it wasn't something he wanted to feel, it didn't seem as though he had any control over it. _If I truly did desire to make love to him, is it really such a terrible thing? _Normally he would've told himself that it was indeed terrible, but instead he drifted off to sleep.

The sound of someone rapping firmly at his door echoed in his ears and woke him from his sleep. The light was fading from the sky and he realized that he really shouldn't have allowed himself to fall asleep. He'd probably be up at night again. Then the door opened and Gojyo walked in. "I convinced that bald monk to take us out to eat, since you're 'not feeling well enough' to cook. Do you wanna come, or should I bring somethin' back for ya?"

"I'll go." Hakkai answered, welcoming the chance to get out of his room. He tried to act as naturally as possible, even deflecting the inevitable question from Sanzo about his nonexistent cold. However, Sanzo didn't completely buy his excuse. Hakkai knew that the time to tell the truth was quickly approaching: he was uncomfortable and distracted all through dinner, though not so much that anyone would notice, except for Sanzo. Even though he wasn't staring, Hakkai felt as though every move he made was being monitored by that discerning gaze.

Sanzo had been waiting all through dinner for an opportunity to talk to Hakkai without the other two interfering, but he hadn't gotten the chance. By the time they got back to the inn Goku and Gojyo were fighting again, giving him the opening he'd been looking for. "Hakkai..." he called, making sure he had the young man's attention. He had been acting strangely all day. In addition to which, things had been weird between them ever since Chin Yiso showed up. Sanzo knew that part of it was just that they were both adjusting to the fact that Hakkai no longer dragged around his past, but even so he had to wonder if something he'd said or done lately had gone too far and struck a nerve. "...if there's something you need to say to me...."

"Actually..." Hakkai trailed off, wondering if he should try to stall somehow and save the discussion for another night. He didn't feel ready, but he didn't think that having another day to prepare would make him feel any better. "...is it all right if we go and talk in your room instead?" _Or else my room... _he thought, feeling awkward for having asked to enter Sanzo's room._ ...my room is also fine. _Then he laughed at his own uncertainty._ I'm so glad I didn't say that out loud just now. I sound nervous enough already._

_This is something serious. _Sanzo noted. "Fine." They were already half way down the hall anyway. It was still relatively early, and since the whole group often gathered in Sanzo's room before going to bed Hakkai politely informed the other two that their presence was not desired. Gojyo was more than happy to entertain Goku for awhile so they could talk. Then Hakkai followed Sanzo into the room. Sanzo sat on the bed, pulled out a cigarette, and started to smoke while Hakkai pulled up a chair. They both waited for a few minutes, hoping that the other person would be the first to speak. Sanzo quickly tired of the posturing. "What is it?"

Hakkai struggled to find the words and failed. "You won't like it," he said, thinking it appropriate to give fair warning.

When he said it like that, Sanzo knew to take him seriously. The statement got his full attention as he turned toward Hakkai and looked directly into his eyes. "What is it that I won't like?"

The soft, wounded sigh that quietly emanated from Hakkai's tightly closed lips echoed in the silence of the room. "I..." His gaze turned toward the floor. He still didn't know what to say, and to complicate matters he could feel a great lump of dread gathering in the back of his throat. "I'm afraid..." _I'm sorry, Sanzo... I'm so very, very sorry. _"I've developed... an attraction to you."

"W-What?" Sanzo stammered. He was taken completely and utterly off guard. He had assumed it would be something about his stubborn attitude lately, or maybe the time they'd talked about his past, but nothing like this had ever crossed his mind at all. _Developed an attraction? What the hell?! _he wondered, getting flustered in spite of himself. "I-In what sense?!" he demanded.

"In _every_ sense, I'm afraid," Hakkai answered in a saccharine tone that was just ever-so-slightly demented. "Mentally, emotionally, and perhaps... physically, as well."

"D-Damn it!" Sanzo cursed, his fingers shaking as he held the cigarette to his mouth. _You're not supposed to... _he thought, grimacing and clenching his teeth while blushing furiously at the same time. "FUCK!!"

The sheer volume and agonized tone of that voice wracked Hakkai's conscience with guilt. "I'm sorry."

There were not enough derogatory expletives in the entire language to describe what Sanzo was feeling at that moment. Which was just as well, because he was so intensely frustrated that he couldn't speak, anyway. He finished his smoke, put it out, and lit another. Then another, and another, each one right on top of the last. It was almost as though he couldn't finish any of them quickly enough to get to the next. Time passed fleetingly for him, leaving only a vague memory as he worked through his anger. He scrambled frantically to get his thoughts in order, but no matter how hard he tried, his emotions got in the way. He couldn't think straight to save his own life. Nothing in his mind made sense.

Hakkai sat nearby, watching Sanzo in complete and utter dismay. They didn't meet each other's gaze at all, because Sanzo was too busy glaring at the wall to one side in order to avoid even looking in Hakkai's general direction. Hakkai watched carefully as every tense, contorted muscle on that face slowly eased down into a beaten-down look with bloodshot eyes. He felt guilty, of course. It was almost as though he could feel the weight of it resting on his shoulders. Every second he waited for Sanzo to say something was like torture. He wanted to say or do something, but he was afraid that Sanzo would yell at him if he made any sound.

Finally, Sanzo took a deep breath and spoke: "How long..." _A_ _day? A week? A month?_ "has this..." _this "attraction" or whatever it is..._ "been the case?"

"To be perfectly honest, I'm not entirely certain," Hakkai replied, abashedly.

Sanzo scowled, not caring for the casual tone in that voice. Hakkai noticed it and decided that he should quickly provide clarification before Sanzo got even angrier.

"However, I think that... I've always felt this way." It was strange, but for some reason Hakkai didn't feel uncomfortable saying this. "It's just that, while I was carrying my past around... blaming myself for my mistakes and looking to you for a way to live, I couldn't realize it."

"Hmpf," Sanzo grunted. Unfortunately, that made sense. It was a relief to him because he didn't want to think that certain things he'd revealed about his past within the past few days had changed everything, and he also didn't want to feel that he had brought this on himself somehow. Still, knowing that Hakkai had felt that way the whole time made things difficult. He didn't have the slightest idea what to do in this situation. "Why..." _in the world would you feel so strongly about someone like me... and why..._ "are you saying this now?"

"You asked," Hakkai replied politely._ This is... why I've been so distracted._

"I see," Sanzo stated, realizing that Hakkai had only just discovered this himself. _Then, you're not really comfortable with this, either. _"Even if that's the case, I can't return the sentiment."

For some reason, to hear him say it so coldly and without a hint of regret really hurt. Even though Hakkai had expected this, it hurt more than he'd ever imagined it would. He almost felt like he wanted to cry.

When Sanzo saw the smile on Hakkai's face, which was so completely and utterly false at that moment, he knew he had to say something. _I don't have anything against you, it's just... _"It's not like I could do something like that, not for anyone! If you understand that..." _...stop taking it so personally already!_

"I... understand." Hakkai replied, in a tone that was completely broken. "It's because of the 'muichi motsu', isn't it?" Sanzo was startled to hear that phrase coming from Hakkai's mouth. Why had he bothered remembering something like that? "I believe it goes something like: If you meet Buddha, kill him, and if you meet the patriarchs..."

"...kill them," Sanzo finished. "Free of all, bound by nothing... you live your life simply as it is."

"Then, I suppose that 'hold nothing' also means to 'hold no one'."

"It can be applied to anything!" Sanzo growled. Frustrated with Hakkai's literal interpretation of the phrase, he went back to smoking his cigarette. He hated the fact that Hakkai could read him so easily, especially when he was prone to using that information to torment himself. _He came here to tell me this, even knowing that I would reject him. _For some reason, he couldn't feel angry any more. _Idiot! Don't make a martyr of yourself! _

"I'm sorry." Hakkai offered, noting the tension on Sanzo's brow.

_That's another thing..._ Sanzo thought. _I can't stand the way he says that!_ "If you don't want to die, then stop apologizing to me." _I don't want to hear it ever again._

"Yes." Hakkai agreed, feeling somewhat awkward nonetheless. "Maybe I should go?" He waited for a moment, but Sanzo simply sat on his bed, staring at the wall without the slightest hint of wanting to give him a reply. So Hakkai got up and walked to the door.

It wasn't until he heard the hinges start to creak that Sanzo thought of something. "Hakkai."

"Yes?"

"That day, when you had to face Chin Yiso... it didn't work the way I expected it to."

"I don't know what you mean."

"I guess you could say... my expectations were exceeded."

Hakkai paused in the doorway, stunned by this sudden turnaround. _You're really saying... that _I_ exceeded your expectations, aren't you? _"Sanzo..." with a slight blush to his cheeks, he leaned against the edge of the open door. _When you say things like that, it touches me. In a way that makes it difficult... not to want more._ Even though he knew that Sanzo didn't return those feelings, he told himself that it was comforting to know that he was still trusted. "Good night, Sanzo."


	14. Chapter 14 Yearning

**Yearning**

Hakkai quietly shut the door, walking across the hall toward his own. After the conversation he'd just had with Sanzo, he didn't know what to think. _It's not fair... _he complained. Hearing Sanzo say that his expectations had been exceeded made Hakkai want things that he knew he shouldn't. _You were really... saying that you're proud of me? _The realization left him feeling hollow somehow. Considering all the effort he put into his life, just trying to live in a way that others could be proud of him, he'd already given it his all. _Even at my best, it's not enough._ Yet, Sanzo complimented him on what he had done. _What a cruel thing to say, _he thought, _making me want you... even though you're only going to push me away._

After walking into his room he shut the door behind him and then leaned against it, slowly sinking down until his legs folded over and his butt rested on the floor. _Even though I expected him to reject me, I didn't expect him to be so frank about it. _Although, he wasn't sure what he had expected. _Maybe I expected him to be angry, emotional, affected by it somehow. Not so cold and rational. _When he thought about it, it was funny. _Did I actually expect Sanzo to care? _"Aha... ha ha ha ha ha... HAHAHAHAHA!"

Hakkai laughed hysterically at himself for a few minutes, and then buried his face in his hands. _This is so meaningless... _he thought. _There's really no point in caring for someone who can dismiss me so effortlessly. _On the other hand, he couldn't complain. He really hadn't expected anything more. In fact, he'd been prepared for much worse. _As it turned out... he said exactly what I knew he was going to say, _Hakkai realized. Even though Sanzo made it clear that he couldn't return Hakkai's feelings, he also insisted that it was something he couldn't do for anyone. _Maybe I shouldn't be taking this so personally? _

Looking back on the incident, he could tell that Sanzo had been trying to spare his feelings, in his own way. _This is truly... pathetic. _Of course, he was really thinking that about himself more than the situation. He couldn't help but wonder if it really was wrong for him to be attracted to Sanzo to begin with.It felt very wrong to him for some reason, which was saying something coming from a man who had no regrets about sleeping with his best friend or falling in love with his twin sister. _I'm emotionally desperate and insecure, _he accused himself. _Am I really so depraved that I can't get close to anyone without falling in love with them?_ In a way, Hakkai felt as though he were taking advantage of all the people he'd ever loved, using them to satiate his incomprehensible need for love and affection.

First there was her, his own flesh and blood. Gonou had felt a little guilty even though the attraction had been mutual. He could still remember the sound of her soft, lilting voice as she had reassured him that what they were doing wasn't wrong. As desperate for affection as he'd been, he had believed her. He'd trusted her.

The way Hakkai felt about Gojyo was desperate in a different way. When they had first become intimate he had still been too attached to Kanan to be in love with anyone else. He'd allowed himself to be seduced because he needed to feel that his life was worth something to someone, not because he cared about Gojyo. Even though things had changed greatly since then, he was guilty of using Gojyo as a means to satiate his own emotional desperation in the first place. Gojyo never seemed to mind, but Hakkai still couldn't refrain from blaming himself. _It was a horrible thing I did, taking advantage of your kindness._ He still felt guilty.

In light of his past, Hakkai thought that being attracted to Sanzo made the most sense. The fact that he was a priest who was forbidden to have such relationships was inconsequential given his general disdain for the actual tenets of his faith. He didn't heed any of their teachings, as evidenced by his smoking, drinking, and murderous inclinations. Unlike the others, Hakkai didn't feel there was any way he could take advantage of Sanzo, even if he wished to. Kanan could be easily cast as the victim of his incestuous desires, Gojyo as the object of his consuming need for approval and companionship, but Sanzo would simply not allow any doubt that he would ever allow himself to be compromised for anyone else's benefit.

For once in his life, Hakkai felt as though he wanted someone for all the right reasons. To share his life with someone, to grow stronger as an individual, and to satisfy someone else's desire for companionship for once, instead of only thinking of himself. Only, he wasn't sure that Sanzo actually wanted those desires to be satisfied. He was certain that they were there; he could read between the lines of Sanzo's obvious discomfort with intimacy quite easily. However, Sanzo didn't seem ready for anything like that. Even though he didn't want to admit it, Hakkai know that Sanzo didn't want that kind of relationship. The fact that he did want it made Hakkai feel guilty and selfish all over again.

He reasoned that it was because his feelings were unrequited. Somehow the guilt he felt over loving his sister had been banished by the pleasure of holding her in his arms and the worry over Gojyo vanished in the warmth of his body, the tenderness of his reassuring kisses. With Sanzo, he had no such form of comfort. _If only I could kiss him, just once... _Hakkai thought, wondering what it would be like to softly press those lips against his own. _...even if only for the briefest moment. _The need he felt for it was consuming, the likes of which he'd only ever felt once before in his life. For her. Knowing this, he couldn't deny it any longer even if he wished to.

Hakkai decided that he should admit the truth to himself, at the very least. He could now admit how much he wanted this; to touch Sanzo, who didn't want anyone else to touch him, to feel the sensation of those lips that had never been kissed, to hold in his arms the one who simply wouldn't allow himself to be held. Hakkai wanted all of it, even if it was completely and utterly out of reach._ I'm such a fool._

His thoughts were interrupted by a knock at the door. Then the door swung open, slamming into his back. "Ahh!"

"Hey!" Gojyo's voice drifted in through the crack. "Hakkai! What're you doin' slouched against the door like that?"

"I'm sorry," Hakkai answered, crawling away from the door.

Gojyo walked in, closed the door behind him, and then knelt down on the floor next to Hakkai. "So, he... rejected you?" The way he said it, it wasn't really a question. He hadn't really expected anything different from that anti-social bastard.

"Yes," Hakkai admitted, hanging his head. "It's so strange, Gojyo. I really had assumed that he would be more angry with me."

"He wasn't angry?"

"Well, he was upset when I first told him..." Hakkai paused for a minute, thinking over the way Sanzo had reacted to the news. _He was flustered and embarrassed. _Both of which were emotions that greatly frustrated Sanzo, "...but, he wasn't really angry."

Gojyo didn't understand why Hakkai said it like he was disappointed. "If Sanzo's not angry at you... then, that's a good thing, right?"

It only took a fraction of a second for Hakkai to realize that Gojyo was right. "Yes," he replied, feeling foolish again. He truly envied the simple, straightforward way that Gojyo's mind worked. It was so pure and uncomplicated when compared with his own tortuous way of thinking. The labyrinthine maze of thoughts in his head was such a burden at times, yet Gojyo was there with his soft words and kind gestures which silenced his tumultuous train of thought.

Gojyo could tell that Hakkai was taking this rejection thing hard, and really he wasn't surprised. What surprised him was how serious Hakkai had been throughout the whole day, as though being attracted to Sanzo were some dire offense. He didn't see any problem with it himself, but then again he realized that things were different for him. Sanzo hadn't saved his life, and he didn't have the mental capacity for all the complicated nuances shared by the other two. Ultimately Gojyo and the shitty priest owed each other nothing, and it was best kept that way. Although, he admitted that he did envy the closeness of their friendship at times.

_I wish I was that deep, _Gojyo thought, for what must've been the thousandth time. _I wish I could say witty things and get into Hakkai's head, forcing him to stop blaming himself._ However, he knew that he wasn't an intellectual, and he never would be. _That's okay, though. I've got my own way of doin' things. _"Ya shouldn't worry about it so much. After all it's not something you can change, right?"

"I wonder..." Hakkai thought out loud. _Is it possible for me to change the way I feel? _It seemed appealing for a minute, to think that he could simply shove everything he felt back into whatever cold, dark corner of his soul it had come from in the first place. It would be nice to no longer feel the tinge of regret that came with the sharp, stinging guilt he felt over this, not to mention the sorrow of having those feelings unrequited. He wanted so much to go back to being blissfully unaware that he'd ever had the slightest inclination to ever be anything more than friends with Sanzo, but he didn't think there was any way he could possibly do it. "...probably not."

"There's nothin' wrong with it, ya know," Gojyo playfully argued. "Like I said, I've been wanting to fuck that sexy bastard ever since the day I met 'im. He's always slapping me away, hittin' me with his paper fan, an' calling me an idiot or a pervert... but it's okay. I wouldn't want anybody who was unwillin' anyway."

"It's not like that for me," Hakkai said, wishing that he could explain it in words. His attraction to Sanzo wasn't that shallow. Not that he meant to belittle Gojyo's feelings at all, he really didn't. It was just that Sanzo was important to him, and not only because of the way he'd saved him, either. Gojyo probably thought that was the reason, but really it was so much more than that. _There is something I admire greatly about Sanzo, something I've always admired._ Hakkai wondered if maybe it was the way Sanzo had of inspiring people with his teachings, whether he actually meant to or not. Or perhaps it was the kindness afforded others, even if he didn't like to make it known.

Then he realized that it wasn't really either of those things. It was the inexplicable way in which Sanzo saw through to the heart of most situations. He didn't allow himself to get caught up in meaningless details or any of the various distractions in life. No matter what happened, he didn't allow anything to cloud his vision or obscure his sense of judgment. Because of this intense focus, he never failed to do whatever was necessary to reach his goal. _I wish I could be like that, _Hakkai thought, reminded of his own weaknesses. _I want to have that strength for myself. _There had been many times in the past when he'd failed to act because he had in some way allowed his own doubts to cloud his mind._ If only I could see with those eyes... _he thought. After all, if it weren't for that piercing gaze which seemed to penetrate his very soul, he really wouldn't even be alive.

"It's still pretty hot to think about being with someone who's never even been touched that way before," Gojyo said. "Am I right?"

The question completely derailed Hakkai's train of thought. _What was that? _It was strange, almost as though Gojyo had somehow guessed at something he'd been thinking earlier. However, it wasn't merely the physical aspect that appealed to Hakkai. Obviously Gojyo was only thinking about being the first person in bed with Sanzo. What Hakkai wanted was to be the first person to elicit affection from him, something which would be incrementally more difficult than simply drawing out a physical response. Although, Sanzo really didn't seem to want either of the two.

_I want to put an end to that loneliness... _Hakkai thought, realizing that in some way he was equating Sanzo's feelings now with his own in the past. After being abandoned by his mother and left to the care of strangers, he had wanted nothing to do with any of the other children in the orphanage. When Sanzo lost the only man he thought of as a father, hadn't it been the same?_ ...because I know what it's like to be alone._ Although Kanan had been the one bright spot in his darkness, Sanzo didn't have anything quite like that._ I want to love you because I know what it's like to be loved. I want to share this with you. _Still he felt selfish for wanting this so badly when Sanzo clearly didn't even want it for himself._ Is this self-conceit?_

"Hakkai," Gojyo called, knowing from the look on his friend's that he was lost in his own little world again. It never ceased to amaze him how seriously Hakkai was taking this. Looking at the solemn expression on his face, along with the deep shadows in those vibrant green eyes, he couldn't help but be struck by the sincerity of it. Maybe Hakkai wasn't even sure how he felt, but Gojyo could see it in his eyes. _Even though I know you won't admit it out loud, you really do love that guy, don't ya? _

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said, finally reacting to the sound of his own name. "Did you say something?"

"Yeah," Gojyo replied, bending down to kiss those lips pursed with worry. "I said: It's gonna be okay." He gently pushed Hakkai down until his back hit the floor, and then started peppering the side of his face with soft, butterfly kisses.

"I'm afraid I'd make a fairly inept lover at this point in time," Hakkai warned, judging himself much too distracted to do an adequate job of anything.

"Nah, you're always good in bed, 'Kai," Gojyo reassured him. Before there were any further complaints he covered those slightly parted lips with his mouth, gently prodding with his tongue. He rested his weight on top of Hakkai's body, and started rubbing up against his crotch.

"Speaking of bed... shouldn't we be in it?"

"We don't really -need- to be in the bed," Gojyo whispered sweetly in his ear, covering the sensitive surface with the warmth of his breath. "We could just do it here, on the floor."

"I'd rather not."

"Aw, come on 'Kai... you're no fun."

"Very well." Hakkai sighed in resignation, allowing Gojyo to continue. He simply didn't have the energy to argue at this point. He laid still against the hard, wooden floor while Gojyo's mouth sucked at his neck and those fingers trailed over his chest. In spite of all his protesting, a part of him really wanted to be able to drown out all of his problems in his lover's arms. Ultimately it wouldn't solve anything; he knew he would still have to confront the same problems in the morning. But at least for a moment it would take his mind off of all the things that were troubling him and make him feel that he was loved.

Gojyo's hands moved softly over his body, caressing him through the fabric of his clothing and then removing it. Hakkai closed his eyes and savored the feel of that caring, sensual touch, but after a while he realized that something was abnormal. Gojyo didn't usually move so slowly for that long. It wasn't uncommon for him to act that way for a moment or two, but he typically sped up after that. "What are you doing?"

Gojyo chuckled to himself. _What a silly question. _He thought the answer should be obvious. "You."

"Gojyo.... that's not what I meant."

"Jus' shut up an' let me love ya, okay?"

"Y-Yes," Hakkai answered, with a surprised look on his face. _He doesn't usually use that term... _Gojyo was usually quite fond of the 'F' word, which was something that Hakkai found annoying but he wasn't one to complain. In fact, he could barely even remember how long it had been since the last time he'd heard Gojyo refer to this particular activity as "love". _Why are you acting like this now?_

Gojyo couldn't stand seeing Hakkai miserable like this. For some reason there was nothing sadder to him than seeing sorrow in those deep green eyes. All the fake smiles in the world couldn't hide it, and watching Hakkai smile that way in order to hide his pain only made Gojyo feel even worse. From the first time he had ever seen that look he'd thought: _It's a shame to see that much suffering on such a pretty face. _He wanted to wipe it all away and replace it with a real smile, if such a thing were even possible. At times he said to himself: _If only I could see him smile... a real smile, the kind that comes straight from the heart... then maybe I could smile that way, too. _

Gojyo didn't always understand why he felt the way he did, but at least he knew how he felt. Hakkai always seemed to need some kind of reason, but reasons didn't really matter to Gojyo. _What difference does it make why you love someone? As long as you love them... isn't that enough? _It was simple, at least to him. Even though he didn't understand all of Hakkai's complicated feelings, there was one thing he knew: he knew that Hakkai needed him right now. That was all that mattered.

Hakkai had been acting disturbed all day, and that was part of the reason Gojyo had decided to do things differently this time. _Just for you, I want to do it the way you like it. _Gojyo thought. _I'll go nice and slow, because I know that's what you want. _His lips kissed up and down Hakkai's neck and over the side of his face while his hands lavished their affection on the pale, silken skin beneath him. He stopped periodically to shrug out of his vest, pull his shirt over his head, and undo his pants. In taking his own clothes off, he saved Hakkai the trouble. Gojyo didn't want Hakkai to worry about anything, or even think about anything. He wanted him to simply lay there and let someone else take care of him for a change.

His lips sought out his lover's mouth and kissed him deeply, slowly, carefully, making his true intentions known. He shimmied out of his pants and then laid back down, stretching his body over Hakkai from head to toe. The amorous touch of that soft skin was all along his body, except for the hardness prodding into his groin. It felt so good, he couldn't help but buck his own growing erection into those hips. Then he used his knees to pry open Hakkai's legs while his mouth drifted down to suck on his neck again. Hakkai moaned wantonly, shifting around underneath him.

He understood what Gojyo was trying to do, and it really was touching. Hakkai hadn't expected anything like that, and for some reason he felt like he didn't deserve it. _I'm so distracted right now, I can't possibly be any good. _But Gojyo was always there for him, comforting him whenever he felt sad or lonely. _I feel guilty, laying all my troubles on him like this. _Even though he knew that Gojyo wanted to be there for him, he really felt that his lover deserved much better. _You shouldn't have to worry about all of the stressful things going on between me and Sanzo. _As those gentle hands drifted over his body, the feeling only got worse. Normally he would love something like this, but at this point it gave him too much time to think.

It made him wish that Gojyo would take him roughly, like he usually did. He wanted those hands clinging desperately to his body, wracking his mind with their provocative caress. He wanted that cock thick and hot inside him, thrusting into his body so fast that he could scarcely remember his own name any more. He wanted to be taken so hard that all thoughts were wiped from his mind, so forcefully that it made his whole body throb in ecstasy. Even if he was sore afterward, he really didn't care. _But, isn't it insensitive of me to want something like that right now... _he thought, _while Gojyo is making an effort to hold me so lovingly?_

Gojyo moved farther down over Hakkai's body and started licking up and down his chest, leaving a slippery trail of saliva in his wake. Hakkai moaned as the warm liquid cooled in the night air and Gojyo's mouth surrounded one of his nipples with its thick, persistent heat. _That's right, _Gojyo thought. He could tell now that Hakkai was starting to become distracted by something other than his thoughts. _I'm gonna make you feel so good... you're gonna forget all about that guy. Even if it's just for a little while. _He took his time, licking and sucking delicately at the sensitive nub in his mouth, drawing breathless moans from his lover's throat.

Hakkai's hand came up to shift carelessly through crimson locks of hair. It really was getting to the point where he really couldn't think of anything anymore, except the feel of that heated mouth wandering all over his body. Then Gojyo moved to the side and gave the other nipple the same treatment, bathing it in feverish moisture until raised up and hardened against his tongue. Hakkai's hips shifted underneath him, thrusting desperately into his belly. Gojyo smirked to himself. It wasn't like Hakkai to be so hasty. _He must want this really bad, _Gojyo thought, licking his way down his chest and over his abs. He stuck his tongue into Hakkai's navel, slipping it in and out of the shallow depression.

"Ah ha ha ha," Hakkai laughed. It always tickled a little when Gojyo did that.

"You taste good, 'Kai," Gojyo said in a deep, sultry voice while staring unabashedly at his lover's face. Then he crept down lower until the head of that had cock was right in front of his face. "Makes me wanna taste more of ya." He loved to watch the embarrassed look on that flushed face as he slowly opened his mouth and took it in, sucking on that swollen head and stroking it with his tongue.

_Really, Gojyo... _Hakkai thought, _it's not as though you haven't already tasted me hundreds of times. _Then he was arching his back into the bed while the tip of his member was engulfed in the sweltering heat of that soft, succulent mouth. "Ahhh! Go-Gojyo!" he protested while the carnal caress of that tongue teased the sensitive spot just under his head, making his entire length throb in agonizing desire for more. His hips bucked gently into that mouth. _Please... more! _

Gojyo slowly descended over the quivering erection, keeping his tongue tight against the hardened shaft. He sucked up and down that sensuous skin, listening intently for the hushed, wanton groans that Hakkai wasn't able to completely contain. Then he pulled back, allowing it to drop out of his mouth.

"Gojyo!" Hakkai complained, upset that he had stopped right when it was starting to feel really good. He started to lift his head so that he could see what Gojyo was up to, but before he could get it off the ground he felt a warm tingling sensation wrap around one of his balls. "Ah-a!" he cried, startled by the sensation as it pulled him further into its thick, sensual heat. _He's... sucking on my.... _Suddenly he was dropped out of that mouth and back into the cold again.

"Hey! Lay down and relax, okay?" Gojyo demanded. "I can't do this while you're wigglin', so keep your head on the floor and, um..." he paused for a moment, feeling just a little embarrassed. "...put your legs in the air for me, wouldja?"

"Oh... a-alright," Hakkai replied, resting his head on the ground and lifting his legs. He felt the rough skin of Gojyo's hands around the underside of his thighs as they were pushed down and folded against his body.

"Keep 'em like that, yeah?"

"Yes."

Then Hakkai felt the balmy, moist texture of that tongue lapping at his scrotum. His cock twitched in arousal as the testicle on the left was sucked deeper into that searing heat.

Gojyo twirled this tongue around the soft, sultry flesh in his mouth, relishing the quiet moans coming from his lover's throat. He loved driving Hakkai crazy like this, just as much as he loved the bittersweet taste of that skin in his mouth. What he'd said earlier wasn't just a pick-up-line: Hakkai really did taste good. He couldn't resist suckling those delicate little orbs in and out of his mouth. After just enough time had passed to get his lover excited, Gojyo let them go and traveled downward, sliding in between those cheeks to tickle the puckered opening with his tongue.

"Gah!" Hakkai cried, squirming in spite of himself. "Gojyo!"

_Damn, now he's gonna start bitching. _

"That's so dirty!"

"You keep your body so clean I could eat out of it, Hakkai."

"But, Gojyo..." he whined. "Even when it's clean there are bacteria down there, and... I hate it when you do this. It's embarrassing!"

"Shut up, you know you like it." Gojyo said, and to prove it he went back down there and licked at the twitching entrance before piercing it with his tongue. He was rewarded with a rough, wobbly moan from the back of his lover's throat. _Told ya so. _Gojyo thought, sticking his tongue out into the soft, supple flesh. _You're too high-strung, ya know that? _He didn't know how many times he'd told Hakkai that it was fine. _It just tastes like skin, that's all. Hot, silky skin... over firm, clenching muscle. Mm, that tastes good! _His tongue lapped hungrily at the clenching hole, waiting until those muscles were relaxed to dig in deeper again.

"Ah! Oh!" Hakkai cried, shifting around uncomfortably as that tongue teased and tormented that sensitive area. "Nn... Gaaah!"

All those passionate little sounds were music to Gojyo's ears. _That's right..._ It made him want go faster, moving his tongue in deeper to devour every last inch of that luscious body. _I'm... eating your ass, Hakkai! How do you like that?_

"Unf! Uwaaa!" Hakkai gasped. That touch was so provocatively warm and wet, his body ached for more of it even as his cock throbbed from lack of attention. He started rocking his hips desperately in an effort to get that thing deeper into his body. "Ha-ah! G-Gojyo!"

_Yeah... you like that, don't ya? _Gojyo thought, flicking his tongue into that searing heat a few more times before he finally stopped and got back up on his knees. He glanced over his lover's body while his hand fished through the crumpled pants at his feet, searching for the pocket he'd left the condom in earlier that day. Hakkai really was a sight to behold. His face was flushed and his mouth was agape, panting for air. Those lake-green eyes were dark with passion, and it looked as though every muscle in his body was clenched. A fine layer of sweat lined his pale skin as well, making it shine in the moonlight. _Beautiful. I really wish you could see how amazing you look right now._

Fingers finally closed around crinkling plastic and he pulled it out of the pocket, quickly unwrapping the thing and rolling it over his cock. _How could anybody ever turn you down? _he wondered, glancing back into that emerald green. _That bastard monk doesn't even know what he's missin'. _Then he fumbled around some more, searching for the small bottle of lube he kept tucked away in the other pocket. Even though he'd slobbered all over everything and his condom was lubricated, he wanted to make sure that this went as smoothly as possible. _Besides, I like my guys wet. _It didn't take him more than a second to find it and he snapped the cap open without delay, dispensing a bit of the cool liquid onto his fingers. He pushed a fingertip into that quivering opening, making sure the area was saturated with lube before gently massaging the stuff deeper in.

"Gojyo, please..." Hakkai pleaded breathlessly. He was thankful that his lover was finally preparing him instead of just teasing like he had been earlier, but he really wanted things to go faster. His muscles squeezed around that finger, making the sensation more intense.

_You're pretty impatient today, aren't ya? _Gojyo thought. However, it wasn't the first time he'd seen Hakkai like this, all wanton and desperate. He loved it, really. Nothing turned him on more than having someone desire him like this. Wanting to please Hakkai as much as possible, he slid another finger into that burning flesh, between those tense muscles. He curved both fingers up to hit the prostate, drawing satisfied moans from his lover's lips. After prodding the sensitive area for a bit longer, he started thrusting his fingers in and out of that hole, scissoring them apart as he pulled out.

Hakkai always looked forward to this part. The way those fingers reached in and perfectly hit that spot was tantalizing; it made him ache for something thicker to fill their place. He writhed against that touch for a minute, and then tried to relax as Gojyo's fingers stretched him open. Just when he'd decided he couldn't stand any more, the two digits slipped out of his body. Then he felt the swollen head of Gojyo's cock pressed against his entrance, slowly pushing in. "Ah, yes!" Hakkai held his breath as the thick shaft stretched him open, digging deep into his body and touching him in places that felt so good it made his head spin. Then he felt the rough skin of Gojyo's fingers wrap around his cock, stroking it in time with his thrusts.

Gojyo loved the euphoric look on Hakkai's face, the soft, passionate noises that slipped through his lips, and the firm contours of his lithe form. He kept stroking the hard erection in his hand and thrusting into the thick, encircling heat of Hakkai's body. It took a lot of effort to keep the pace slow and steady when he wanted so badly to speed up. Looking down at Hakkai's face, contorted in passion, he knew that it was all worthwhile. _That's the kind of look I want to see, _he thought, keeping a smooth, steady pace that made Hakkai's lips drop and his body tremble with desire.

Hakkai loved what Gojyo was doing to him now, but at the same time he was ready for more. He wanted it faster, harder, forcing his body to tighten and reach the peak of its pleasure. He wanted to release all the pent-up tension inside of him when he spewed hot come all over Gojyo's hand. He wanted the sheer intensity of his climax to wipe all the anxiety he felt away, so that he could finally relax and feel at peace. But he thought it rude to ask for something like that, so he kept his mouth shut and patiently savored that sweet, loving caress.

After gazing longingly down at his lover's face, Gojyo released the swollen erection from his hand so that he could bend down and touch his lips to Hakkai's neck. His mouth wandered up and down that stretch of pale skin, caressing the silky texture with his tongue. He traveled up the side right underneath Hakkai's jaw and back down over his Adam's apple, sucking softly at the hard protrusion. His cock felt so good, languidly thrusting in and out of Hakkai's body. He couldn't help but want more. "Hey, 'Kai, can I... go a little faster now?"

"Yes!" Hakkai exclaimed, surprising himself with the sense of urgency in his tone. He was usually able to show more restraint. _Please just take me... take me hard, Gojyo! _His thighs spread a little wider, inviting that long, intruding member to quicken its pace. His knees bent and the back of his shins slid against Gojyo's ass, pressing it down into his body.

Gojyo was more than happy to pick up the pace, slamming his dick into that soft, welcoming heat. He rocked into it faster and deeper, until the friction made his cock burn. His mind flooded with a sex-induced haze as he worked it in and out so hard that the floorboards creaked underneath them. "Fuck, Hakkai!" he breathed. Knowing that he wouldn't last much longer, he let one hand drop between Hakkai's legs and started vigorously stroking that heated length.

"G-Gojyo! HAAA!" Hakkai cried when that thick, torrid shaft started pounding into him. This was what he'd been waiting for the whole time. It felt incredible, filling and stretching him out as every last inch thrust into his body, hitting that spot inside of him that made everything burn and tremble in ecstasy. Then he felt the firm grasp of Gojyo's hand around his cock, pumping up and down in time with his thrusts. He couldn't escape the erotic sensation coming at him from both sides, forcing waves of pleasure to spread through his body until his muscles seized and time stood still.

Searing flesh clenched around Gojyo's burning cock, so hard that he could feel his balls tighten in response. He dimly heard the sound of Hakkai's voice screaming in pleasure and felt molten liquid spill over his hand before his body finally spasmed, releasing its heavy load. Everything down there throbbed and his head was swimming in a sated state of euphoria as he collapsed onto his lover's chest.

They laid there in a soggy, trembling mess, panting for air while their heads swam in a dizzying rush of gratification. Hakkai was the first to regain his lucidity and he insisted that Gojyo let him off the floor before his back became even more sore and painful than it already was. He stumbled into the bathroom, wiped himself off with a towel, and then collapsed on the bed. He was weak with overexertion and exhausted from the day he'd had. Normally he wold pull his pajamas on before going to sleep, but for once he simply wanted to eschew the formality so that he could lie down and pass out.

Gojyo pulled himself up from the floor, cleaned himself off, and put his clothes back on. He had to go back to his own room, after all, and he didn't even want to think about what had happened the last time someone had caught him running around the halls naked. After getting everything zipped and buttoned in place, he walked over to the side of Hakkai's bed. He was already all settled in, tucked comfortably underneath the blankets. Gojyo really couldn't even tell if he was still awake or not. It didn't matter, because he'd already decided to bend over and give him a quick kiss before going to bed. A soft moan rose from Hakkai's closed lips, but his eyes didn't open at all.

"Sweet dreams," Gojyo said. Then he turned and walked out of the room, shutting the door quietly behind him.


	15. Chapter 15 Disillusionment

**Disillusionment**

"Sanzo! Sanzo, wake up!"

A low-pitched groan drifted up from the lump in the bed as it turned to over and ignored the noise.

"Come on, Sanzo!"

"No." he finally replied, half asleep and half awake. Usually, that angry reply would be enough to make anyone who was stupid enough to try and rouse him from his sleep go away. Unfortunately, it didn't work this time. He heard hurried footsteps run up to the bed and then felt the whole thing buckle and sway as a weight landed next to him and started bouncing up and down.

"Sanzo! Sanzo! Come on! It's breakfast time! You need to get up, so--"

"FUCK!" Sanzo burst out of the sheets, pulled out the paper fan and then whacked the intruder over the head. "SHUT UP, STUPID MONKEY!!"

"Ow! THAT REALLY HURT!!" Goku yelled, rubbing his head.

Sanzo sat up in bed, grabbed his pack and his lighter off of the windowsill, and lit a smoke. "Oi... shit," he groaned, thinking to himself: _It's too fuckin' early in the goddamned morning for this!_

"Hakkai says that I can't have breakfast until you get out of bed," Goku explained.

_That fuckin' bastard... _Sanzo thought, _he did it on purpose. _It was a really sneaky, manipulative way for Hakkai to get him out of bed. Sanzo wasn't really sure if it was on purpose, or if Hakkai was just too busy cooking to get up and do it himself. "I'll be up in a minute."

"Yeah!" Goku yelled, bouncing off of the bed and quickly limping out the door. He'd gotten used to walking in the cast, almost to the point where he could move around too well.

Sanzo sighed and smoked his cigarette, trying to remember to flick his ashes into the tray before they fell onto the bed. It was a challenge this early in the morning because his brain was still in a haze. He yawned loudly, stretched a little, and tried to wipe the sleep from his eyes. For some reason he felt run-down, even though he'd gotten plenty of sleep. He really wanted to go back to bed more than anything, but he already knew that if he did it wouldn't be long before Goku would come back to wake him up all over again. So he just sighed, and kept smoking.

After finishing his cigarette and letting his mind clear for a few minutes, Sanzo finally got up. He went through the tedious task of putting on his clothes, starting with the black shirt and ending with placing the sutra over the shoulders of his robe. It didn't sound like there was much going on outside his door; there wasn't nearly enough noise for the usual argument. Walking over to the door, he opened it quietly and peeked out into the hall. He could hear Goku rambling on about something and Hakkai answering in his usual calm, polite tone, but that was all. Leaving the room and closing the door behind him, Sanzo went down the hall and into the kitchen. Apparently, the perverted kappa wasn't awake yet. _Hmpf, lazy bastard. _

His eyes briefly surveyed the room before he took a seat at the table. Goku was still babbling about something, but Sanzo ignored it in favor of a newspaper which was neatly laid out on the table. Every now and then he would glance up at Hakkai to see how he was doing. He pretended not to notice the stiffness in the healer's movements and the slight hesitation before he answered Goku's requests. Then it occurred to him that Hakkai hadn't even bothered to greet him when he'd entered the room. Not that Sanzo particularly cared whether anyone acknowledged him or not, but Hakkai always said "good morning" whenever one of the group wandered in from their rooms. It wasn't like him to be quiet, and Hakkai was the type who would never forget something like that. He was obviously tense, and Sanzo already knew what was bothering him.

"Fuck," he cursed underneath his breath. He was hoping that he could just forget about what had been said last night: the confession Hakkai had made about having feelings for him. Sanzo had really hoped that somehow, when he got up in the morning, it would be as though it had never happened. Obviously, that was only wishful thinking. _This is going to be a problem. _He could already see it coming.

Unfortunately, he still didn't have any idea what to do about it. Even after a good night's sleep, he was still no better off than he'd been before. Part of him was angry at himself for thinking that everything would somehow just miraculously return to normal. The other part was angry for being forced into this position, as though he could've done something to prevent it.

Sanzo didn't want things to change. He had only just gotten used to the way they were. In fact, he was starting to like the way things had been going because Hakkai didn't seem to feel obligated to him any more. This attraction thing threw a wrench right into the works. The entire group's dynamic would be thrown off if the two of them weren't functioning properly. _This is why relationships are a bad idea; they just get in the way. _He wondered what would happen if they were still in this situation by the time the next bunch of demons attacked. Kougaiji's weak assassins could be dispatched easily, but what would happen when they faced a more worthy adversary? It could be weeks or months until that happened, and Sanzo didn't think he could deal with the tension for that long.

_This has to be resolved, _Sanzo decided. Even though he didn't know how he was going to accomplish the feat. _It has to be resolved before we leave this town. _Now he had a deadline to fill. All that was lacking was a plan of action. However, none of the options he was about to consider were particularly appealing. The situation was going to take a lot of deep and tedious consideration, so he sighed and pulled out a cigarette. _It's going to be a long day. _

After lighting up and taking the first hit, his thoughts focused on the most appealing course of action: Ignore the problem, and hope that it went away on its own. Unfortunately, this was no longer a viable option. Considering the effort Hakkai had put into talking to him the other night, Sanzo could tell that this was something serious. Whatever Hakkai was feeling, it was something strong, something that couldn't simply be brushed away or ignored. Otherwise Hakkai would've taken care of it himself, and there would've been no need to mention it to Sanzo at all. For something like this, Sanzo had reason to believe that Hakkai would not come to him unless all other recourses had been exhausted.

Then there was the assumption that in some form or another, Hakkai had always felt this way. For three whole years. There were just so many things that bothered Sanzo about this that he didn't even know where to start. His emotions had overwhelmed him the other night, but now that they had settled down a bit his mind was full of uncertainty and questions. He wanted to know when it had started, exactly what Hakkai wanted from him, and most of all, why it had ever happened in the first place. Sanzo wanted to know everything that was going on inside Hakkai's head because this confession cast doubt on everything. He didn't know where they stood.

Sanzo didn't know what was true. He didn't know which perceptions he could still trust. He was starting to question Hakkai's motives for everything, wondering if there had been some sinister intent behind his superficial kindness and that endless train of fake smiles. It could be possible that there were ulterior motives behind all of the visits over those three years, unrealized intentions behind Hakkai's constant hospitality. That was nothing compared to how things were on their journey, however. _We travel together, we sleep together... we even fucking bathe together! _Sanzo didn't even want to think about the possibility that Hakkai could've been checking him out all those times. _Fuck! As if things weren't bad enough with the perverted kappa! _These worries didn't make any sense though.

It wasn't that Sanzo didn't trust Hakkai, but he didn't understand where this attraction was coming from. He didn't comprehend how such complex and compelling feelings could have possibly materialized without him knowing it, or even anticipating it at all. Usually, he could catch something like that. But on the other hand, Hakkai didn't seem to know what to think about it, either. Somehow, it seemed as though both had been unaware of it. Even so, the attraction seemed fitting, considering the way Hakkai had always invitied them over before the journey. Now that they were all grouped together, Hakkai was constantly by Sanzo's side. In some ways it seemed that ever since they'd first met, Hakkai had been seeking his companionship.

Sanzo had been sure that he'd already known all of the reasons behind Hakkai's behavior. The assumptions he'd made about Hakkai's need for compassion and forgiveness hadn't seemed false. Even after taking Hakkai's attraction to him into account, things didn't seem all that different now. But, on the other hand, there had always been something unusual between the two of them. Sanzo had dismissed it as a simple similarity in circumstance, but maybe there was more to it than that. Then he thought about the way Hakkai had always called his name: Spoken in a sacred tone, it issued with such yearning from between those soft, subtle lips. _...and... why am I thinking about Hakkai's lips, anyway?! _Sanzo demanded, getting frustrated with himself.

_Fuck! When did I start thinking about Hakkai like _that_?! _he asked himself, immediately banishing the question from his mind. He was definitely not ready for the answer. Instead, he refocused his thoughts on the current situation. Memories of the past and possibilities for the future were too much to handle, but what was happening here and now was something that he knew he could grasp. There were two remaining options to deal with this situation, only one of which he would actually consider. He could either try to talk Hakkai out of it, or he could give in to whatever it was that Hakkai wanted from him.

Trying to talk Hakkai out of something hadn't proved overly difficult for Sanzo in the past, because Hakkai had felt indebted to him and because he had a genuine reason for the things he asked. On the other hand, this situation lacked any sort of common sense. This time Sanzo didn't have a reason to win Hakkai over. At least, not one that was convincing enough. No matter what happened, though, he'd never get into a romantic relationship with anyone. It just wasn't something that he wanted. It wasn't something that he'd ever even considered. He wasn't going to change his mind just because Hakkai was sulking about it. Doing anything for such superficial reasons could only end in sorrow and tears. It was better not to lead him on. Better to let him down as quickly and painlessly as possible, before he developed a false sense of hope.

Yet, the situation bothered Sanzo. He didn't have a concrete way to solve it and that was driving him up the wall. Sanzo could think of a million reasons why getting involved with Hakkai would be a terrible idea: because he wasn't any good at relationships of any sort. Because he wasn't a kind or affectionate person to begin with. Because an intimate relationship would distract them both from thinking about the mission they'd set out to accomplish. Because inevitably, it would only bring more drama into the equation. For all of Sanzo's reasons that a relationship would be a bad idea, there was one undeniable problem that he couldn't ignore: the negative effect that this was all going to have on Hakkai.

No matter what he said, he didn't want Hakkai to suffer over this. He didn't want to see him blaming and tormenting himself over something so inconsequential. After all, it was Sanzo's fault that he wasn't even willing to consider a relationship, not Hakkai's. What Hakkai felt was perfectly normal, and there was nothing wrong with it. Sanzo knew that he was really the one who was broken. He was the insecure idiot who had put up a wall around his heart. Yes, he was over-protective of himself, but there was a perfectly good reason for that. However, it shouldn't be something that Hakkai had to suffer for, either. _Hakkai really shouldn't be blaming himself at all._

Then again, Sanzo realized that there was a lot of information he was still lacking. There were plenty of things he still needed to know before he could truly make an informed decision. Unfortunately, they were things that would be awkward to discuss, and he wasn't up to asking Hakkai a million questions. There was no way he was going to start an interrogation over this. Getting down to the truth of the matter would require time and subtlety. Mostly time, because both of them were much too anxious to discuss anything right now. Sanzo thought that it would only be prudent for both of them to take a day off and cool their heels. Maybe when things had calmed down, they could discuss it.

He fished through his robes and lit a cigarette, knowing that he'd need more than the usual amount on a day like this. It was probably asking too much for no one to notice. Even with the both of them distracted, they knew each other too well not to see all of the subtle little slip-ups that made it obvious that something was wrong. Sanzo didn't want the others involved either, but it would probably be impossible to keep a secret from those two, especially at a time like this.

Goku already knew that there was something wrong. Hakkai had been acting weird ever since he'd walked into the kitchen that morning. Goku tried to cheer him up, but nothing worked. He was really starting to feel disappointed by the time Sanzo walked in. Then he was happy. Goku was always glad to see Sanzo, even if he was tired and grouchy. He was sure that Hakkai would be glad to see him, too. It was the strangest thing ever when Hakkai kept his back turned and didn't look up from his cooking. He didn't even say anything at all. It was so weird, because Hakkai never ignored Sanzo, not even when Sanzo was in a bad mood. Goku didn't know what to think. Sanzo was angry, Hakkai was sad. Saying anything would only make it worse, so Goku stayed on his best behavior. That was what Sanzo would want him to do.

Gojyo was still half asleep by the time he strolled out into the kitchen. He yawned, stretched his arms up over his head, and said good morning to Hakkai. Hakkai dimly muttered something back, which was weird. He didn't stop in the middle of what he was doing to offer a warm smile or a heartfelt greeting, he simply acknowledged Gojyo's presence and continued to focus on his cooking. Gojyo looked over at the table and saw Goku smiling brightly, like he didn't have a care in the world. Sanzo was angrily smoking a cigarette with his face buried in a newspaper, like he did almost every morning. Nothing really seemed unusual.

Then he sat down to wait for breakfast, propping his legs up on the table, only to have Hakkai shoo them back onto the floor the moment he brought out the food. Gojyo fought over it with Goku while Sanzo picked at his plate, like usual. Hakkai seemed withdrawn, though; he wasn't making cheerful comments about their boisterous behavior. Later on Gojyo noticed that Hakkai wasn't talking to Sanzo at all. Normally, they would use this time to discuss the details of their journey. _Are they... ignoring each other or something? _He wasn't really surprised, considering what was going on between the two of them. He just hoped that they resolved it soon, because the silent tension between those two was a complete buzz-kill. There was no point in arguing with Goku without an angry Sanzo to shut them up and a sarcastic Hakkai to make creepy comments.

The last thing Sanzo wanted was for Goku and Gojyo to start worrying about him and Hakkai. However, it was obvious that they had already noticed that something was wrong. He could tell by the way Goku was trying just a little too hard to talk with Hakkai, and the way Gojyo often gazed off to the side in order to avoid looking at any of them for too long. Even the way those two fought over the food was just a half-hearted attempt to make it look as though everything was normal. _Fuck, _Sanzo thought. _Nothing even happened between me and Hakkai, and it's already causing problems! _

He tried to calm down and relax, at least long enough to eat his breakfast. However, it proved impossible with the constant distractions of everyone's strange behavior. Sanzo couldn't look at any of them without seeing something that made him inwardly cringe. Goku's joyful laughter was unbearably annoying. Gojyo's face was purposely clueless: it looked stupid, and it pissed him off. The smiles on Hakkai's face that morning were especially false, and Sanzo despised them with every fiber of his being. He smoked a few cigarettes, picked at his food, and then made a hasty retreat to his room because he couldn't stand the sight of their faces any longer.

The other three watched him angrily stomp away, breathing sighs of relief when they finally heard the door slam behind him. Goku's gaze lingered longingly at the point where the hallway turned out of the main room and disappeared, as though he wanted to follow his master but was afraid of what consequences might await him if he did.

"Damn... what crawled up the back of his robe and died?" Gojyo asked.

"I can only imagine." Hakkai cheerfully replied.

Gojyo knew what that meant. It meant that Hakkai was feeling guilty about something, but he wasn't going to talk about it. Not while Goku was there. "Yeaaaah..." Gojyo said, using his fingers to twirl his spoon against the table.

Goku looked down at the table for a few minutes, still wondering whether he ought to try to join Sanzo in his room or not. He wanted to know what was going on, so he looked up at Hakkai with a question in his eyes. But, he wasn't sure if he should ask. They were keeping secrets from him again, but it seemed like Hakkai was sad about it. He didn't want to ask if it was something that would make Hakkai feel bad. Besides, Goku knew that Sanzo was upset. It was always better not to say anything if there was a chance that it might make Sanzo angry. Goku didn't understand why they were fighting at all. He sighed to himself and laid his head on the table, staring off into the hallway.

Gojyo looked over at Goku, sighed gently, and said: "Stupid monkey... go see your owner already."

"I'm not a monkey!" Goku protested, sitting up in his chair. "And... Sanzo's really grouchy in the morning!"

"I'm sure it'll be fine." Hakkai assured, with another of his fake smiles.

Goku regarded him curiously; he didn't understand why Hakkai always smiled when he was sad. But, somehow the assurance made him feel better anyway. When he thought about it, Hakkai and Gojyo seemed like they wanted to be left alone. Goku thought that maybe there was something they weren't saying until he left, so he decided that he should go. He really wanted to check on Sanzo anyway. "All right. I'll see you guys later, okay?"

Hakkai smiled a little more sincerely and Gojyo gave him a lop-sided grin and a wave before Goku disappeared down the hall.

"Alright, Hakkai... what's eatin' ya this time?"

"I... did something stupid."

"What, you? Never."

"Gojyo...." Hakkai replied in a condescending tone, he wasn't in the mood to be teased. "I was just... so distracted this morning while I was trying to cook breakfast, and Goku kept begging me for food, and I was so desperate to get him to be quiet that I thoughtlessly told him that he couldn't have anything until Sanzo was at the table."

"Yeah, so?"

"He woke Sanzo up! As though he doesn't have enough reason to loathe me already."

"Sanzo doesn't hate you, he's just being a dick. It's what he's good at."

"Yes, but--"

"Come on, man... you really gonna worry about something like that?"

Their conversation faded into the background as Goku knocked on Sanzo's door, only to be greeted with a disgruntled, "Go away!"

Goku thought twice about entering the room after hearing that: Sanzo was definitely angrier than usual. Normally, Goku would leave Sanzo alone at such times, but this time was different. He was angry for a different reason, and Goku really worried about it. So he took a chance and opened the door, cautiously stepping inside.

"You really wanna die?!" Sanzo began, changing his tone when he saw Goku walk into the room. "Oh... it's you."

_Sanzo expected someone else. _Goku realized. _Was it Hakkai?_

"What do you want, monkey?"

Goku had to think up something fast. "I wanna play mah-jong!"

"Go play with the other two idiots." Sanzo absently replied, turning back to the paper in his hands.

"I can't!" Goku shot back, earning him an angry glare. "I mean... they're busy talking, and they don't wanna play right now. Besides... I wanna play with you, Sanzo."

"Hn..." Sanzo looked at Goku, wondering why he was asking at a time like this. The answer was obvious. "Fine." He watched as the biggest grin spread over the monkey's face and he hurried out the door to grab the table that had been left in Gojyo's room. It had been in there for days. They had borrowed it from the innkeeper at some point, because there wasn't anything better to do while they were all sitting around waiting for Goku's leg to heal. It was amazing how well he got around now, as though there wasn't any pain at all. Somehow he'd gotten used to the stiffness of the cast and was able to use it to take awkward limping strides all over the place. _It's probably due to Hakkai's chi healing... _Sanzo thought. But, he really didn't want to think about Hakkai.

Soon Goku was back in the room, setting up the table and two chairs before laying the game out and getting ready to play. Sanzo could tell by the sappy look that had been on his face earlier that Goku was only doing this to distract him from what was really going on. Sanzo really didn't want the company. At least, that was what he told himself. But he didn't want Goku to worry about him, so he'd go ahead and play the game. He got up and walked over to the table, taking a seat across from Goku. The monkey went ahead and organized all the tiles, and then they started playing.

It was pretty quiet at first, with both of them pretending to concentrate on the game while their thoughts were really somewhere else. Sanzo kept wondering what he was going to do about Hakkai, and how the hell he was going to keep the situation from affecting everyone in the group. Goku wondered what was going on, but he knew better than to ask about it outright. Doing something like that would only get him whacked over the head with Sanzo's paper fan. He didn't get why Sanzo was mad at Hakkai, why Hakkai and Gojyo wanted him to leave them alone, or why Sanzo had been mad at both of them the other day. Something was definitely weird about that too.

"Hey, Sanzo..."

"What?"

"Hakkai and Gojyo are really close, right?" Goku asked, thinking it a harmless question.

Sanzo gave the monkey's face a searching glance, wondering if he had actually noticed what was going on between the other two. "...they should be. They lived together, right? Just like we did before going on this journey."

"Yeah, but... there's something different about them," Goku insisted. "Something that's different from the way we are."

"Hn..." Sanzo said. He regarded Goku thoughtfully for a moment, and then went back to the game.

_He didn't say that I was wrong, _Goku thought. Because he knew that if there wasn't anything different, Sanzo would've pointed it out. _So, that means that there really is something different. _It wasn't really a revelation; Goku had noticed something strange about them a long time ago. He wasn't really sure what it was. There was just something about the way they acted around each other that was weird. Like, the way they looked at each other sometimes. And sometimes they smelled funny. Sometimes they smelled like each other, and a lot of other musky scents that he didn't recognize. Goku didn't really know what it meant, he just knew that something was weird.

Goku didn't really have any reason to say anything about it, so he had never mentioned it to Sanzo before. He thought it didn't matter, and that Sanzo probably already knew that something was going on, anyway. Maybe it was normal. But it seemed like it was causing a problem now, for some reason. Goku wondered if maybe it was part of the reason that Sanzo was mad at Hakkai. He wondered if maybe Sanzo was jealous, like Gojyo had suggested. Even though Gojyo was just joking at the time, some of his jokes about Sanzo made Goku think about things that he'd never noticed before.

"Sanzo?"

"Yeah?"

"Did you ever wish that Hakkai stayed at the temple, instead of moving in with Gojyo?"

_Where the hell did that come from? _Sanzo glanced up from the tiles as though completely blindsided by what was being asked. It was really annoying how Goku could effortlessly pull such a loaded question out of nowhere. "What kind of question is that?"

"I was jus' wonderin' if you missed him when he left."

"Tch...."

"Because... I missed him," Goku explained. He thought it might be easier for Sanzo to admit that he missed Hakkai if he admitted it first. "I missed him a lot."

"Goku..." Sanzo began, wondering how he was going to phrase what he was about to say. "People make their own decisions about the way they want to live. That includes the place they want to live in."

Goku looked up at Sanzo curiously, wondering why he said that. He guessed that it meant Sanzo wasn't mad about Hakkai leaving, even though he missed him. Goku was pretty sure that Sanzo had missed Hakkai back then. Sanzo had been worried about him, Goku could tell.

"That has nothing to do with it." Sanzo insisted. _I'm not mad at Hakkai because of that. What's in the past is in the past. _

Even though Goku was sure that Sanzo wasn't trying to lie, what he said didn't seem true. They were all involved with each other, whether something was from the past or not. Their shared past was the reason they were together. Goku wasn't going to say anything about it, though, because he knew that it would make Sanzo uncomfortable if he did. So they just continued to quietly play the game, matching up the tiles for hours before someone finally interrupted by knocking on the door. It swung open a second later to reveal Hakkai, some strange guy they'd never seen before, and Gojyo.

"The doctor's here to take a look at Goku's leg," Hakkai announced, much too cheerfully.

Sanzo and Goku set down the tiles in their hands while the others walked into the room. The doctor introduced himself and then asked for Goku to be moved onto the bed for the examination. He was shocked when Goku got up and scrambled onto the bed all by himself.

"How long has it been since the break?" the wide-eyed doctor asked.

"Oh, it's already been over a month." Hakkai replied. "We've been traveling, so this is the first chance we've had to see a doctor."

"But, it's only been three or four da--" Gojyo began, then Hakkai elbowed him in the gut. "Ow! What the hell was that for?!" Hakkai blatantly ignored him while the doctor started looking over the injury in amazement. "I don't get why we even need a doctor, anyway."

"I'm only a healer, Gojyo. This man is a trained physician," Hakkai replied. "I went to college to study physics and religion, not general medicine. It never hurts to have the opinion of a professional."

"You said that you're a healer?" the doctor asked. "Then, you must be the one who wrapped the boy's leg. The cast was very well-made. Some of my best assistants couldn't do this good a job."

"Ah, I do what I can," Hakkai said, looking embarrassed.

"Well, considering the vast range of movement in the leg and the apparent lack of pain, the cast should be ready to come off in another couple of weeks."

"A couple weeks?" Sanzo asked. "Fuck!"

"Don't worry..." Hakkai whispered aside to him. "...it should really only be another three or four days."

"And you were an excellent patient, young man," the doctor said, smiling at Goku.

"Did you hear that, guys? He called me a young man!" Goku said. "See? I told you I'm not a kid!"

"Shut up," Sanzo said, annoyed with the racket the monkey was making.

"Ah ha ha," Hakkai laughed. "In any case, thank you for coming in to check on him."

"It was a pleasure," the doctor replied.

"I'll show him out," Gojyo volunteered, leading the way. The doctor followed after him and Hakkai was about to leave the room as well.

"Hey, wait!" Goku said. "Hakkai, do you wanna stay and play mah-jong with me an' Sanzo?"

_What the fuck?! _Sanzo thought, glaring daggers at Goku.

"Oh, I-- I'm sorry, but... I can't," Hakkai said. "I have to start making lunch."

"Yeah!" Goku cried. "What're you gonna make?"

"I'm not sure yet," Hakkai replied. He smiled falsely at them and then walked through the door, closing it behind him.

"Stupid monkey!" Sanzo yelled, smacking Goku over the head with his paper fan. "Who the hell gave you permission to invite Hakkai?!"

"But... I was gettin' bored!"

"Get out!"

Goku whimpered and jumped off the bed, limping across the room and out the door. He wandered into the kitchen and Hakkai was there, going through the cupboards like he was trying to think of something to make. The perverted kappa was nowhere to be seen. "Where's Gojyo?"

"Oh, he's gone. Wandered off to the bar, I suppose."

"Why?"

"I was too busy cleaning to entertain him."

"Oh." Goku wasn't really sure what that meant, but the way Hakkai said it, it sounded bad. It didn't really matter, though, because Hakkai was starting to pull all kinds of food out of the fridge and Goku had to get up and watch him cook. He was so excited to see all the meat and vegetables that Hakkai was frying on the skillet, he forgot all about that other stuff. "Oo, that's beef! And carrots! And rice!"

"Yes, Goku," Hakkai happily replied.

After Goku watched the food sizzle and talked about it for awhile, he thought that Hakkai's smiles were just a little bit more real, too. Soon the food was done, and Goku was left with the task of going to tell Sanzo. He snuck up to the door as quietly as he could, making sure that his cast didn't make a sound when it touched the floor. When he finally got to the door he raised one hand above his head, about to knock when Sanzo's voice came booming through the wood.

"What do you want, stupid monkey?!"

_Aw, man! _Goku thought, sighing as he opened the door and trudged into the room. "Lunch's ready." Then he turned around and walked right back out. He got about halfway down the hall before realizing that Sanzo wasn't even getting out of bed. So, he walked right back in and said, "Come on, Sanzo!"

"No."

"Get up!"

"I'm not going."

"But... the food's really good!"

"Not interested."

"You gotta eat!"

"I'm not hungry."

Goku stood indignantly in the doorway for a moment, pursing his lips in anger. "Fine. I'll go an' get you something myself!" He stomped out the door before Sanzo could get a word in edgewise. He tromped on out to the kitchen and arranged a plate full of food.

Hakkai didn't say anything. He just watched silently from his seat at the kitchen table.

When Goku was done he went back into Sanzo's room, set the food down on the table by his bed, and then limped right back out without saying a word.

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said, once Goku was back in the kitchen. He felt awful watching Goku stamp around with a cast on his leg while there were two able-bodied men in the house. "I would have taken the food to him myself if you had asked."

"No," Goku replied, sitting back down in his chair to face a steaming plate with meat and vegetables over a fluffy bed of steamed rice. "I had to do it."

"I understand," Hakkai smiled.

For once, Goku really wished that Hakkai would stop smiling like that. But, he didn't want to say anything. So they sat across from each other, eating their meals in silence. There was nothing to talk about. Sanzo was acting too grouchy to be mentioned, and the place was eerily quiet without Gojyo around. Goku didn't understand why Gojyo had left, anyway. He could remember what Hakkai had said about being too busy cleaning, but he felt like there was something more to it, somehow.

"Hakkai?"

"Yes?"

"Why is Gojyo mad?"

"He's not angry," Hakkai answered. "He's... simply frustrated with the current situation, I think."

Goku thought about that for a moment, then went back to scarfing down his food. The stir-fry Hakkai had made was really good. The meat and vegetables and rice were all covered in a thick sauce that tasted delicious for the brief moment that it lingered in his mouth before dropping straight down to his stomach. It felt good, having so much good food in there. He hated the way it felt when it was empty. It really hurt. Then he thought that whatever Hakkai was feeling right now, it probably hurt, too.

"Hey, Hakkai...."

"What is it, Goku?"

"What did you do to make everybody mad?"

Hakkai smiled and laughed quietly to himself. "I'm not sure."

Goku frowned because Hakkai looked really sad. "Well, I'm not mad," he said, waiting to make sure that Hakkai had heard him. "I'm not mad at you at all, Hakkai. Because, you're always cooking good food for me an' stuff."

"Thank you, Goku."


	16. Chapter 16 Lost

**Lost**

Gojyo stumbled out of the bar, feeling much dizzier than the slight sway in his step might suggest. He hadn't really meant to drink quite that much, or to spend so much time chatting with the rambunctious brunette sitting by his side. He hadn't really planned on spending more than two or three hours at the bar, but it had been sometime before noon when he'd first gotten there, and now it was so dark out that he was sure that it was past eight, at least. "Aw shiiit," his speech slurred. "I shouldn't'a had that last beer."

Although, if he were to be honest with himself, it wasn't really the last beer that was his problem. It was the dozen or more he'd chugged before that. Then there had been the gambling, which probably would've kept him up all night if the sight of a blond woman's teal-green eyes hadn't reminded him of the fact that someone was waiting for him back at the inn. Several someones. "Damn, I'm such an idiot... leaving Hakkai back there with the stinking monk up his ass." Of course, Gojyo had been referring to the priest's pissy mood, but when the sound of his own voice rang in his ears he started to take the statement too literally. "Shit, he'd better not be up Hakkai's ass. I'd have to fuckin'--"

Then a rock hit his toe. He swore that thing had come out of nowhere. It wasn't because his foot was moving or anything. No, not at all. It wasn't like he was trying to walk back to the inn or anything like that. _Then again, if the monk is up Hakkai's ass... then maybe I can join in, too? _Gojyo giggled to himself at the thought. _Three's company and five is a crowd! Or, wait... is it two's company and six is a crowd? Oops. _Gojyo was sure that he wasn't getting things wrong because he was drunk, though. No. He probably couldn't remember the saying even if he was sober. _Anyway, the more the merrier! Yeah, that's it. I kinda hope the monk is up Hakkai's ass now. _"So... let's see, um... the inn was this way, right?"

Three wrong turns and four or five long streets later, Gojyo leaned against a wall and tried to regain his bearings. "Fuck!" he cursed, breathing deeply in an effort to stop the floor from spinning. Then he started talking to himself. "Come on, Gojyo! Man, how many times now have you wandered home drunk in the middle of the night?!" Then again, this wasn't home. This was a strange town, albeit a strange town where they'd already spent four days. Even so, Gojyo realized that didn't know where the hell he was. But, he was sure he could see the main street somewhere several hundred yards to his left. "All right, pull yourself together."

Usually, they stayed at an inn along the main street, but this time was different. The inn they had been staying at for the past few days was actually off a side-road, maybe half a mile from the main street. Gojyo was still sure that he could find it if he could just focus and get the road to stop spinning underneath his feet. So he started walking again, trying to keep his gait as steady as possible. He made it to the main road, walked down it a ways, and then he saw a side street that looked familiar so he turned down that way. A couple blocks later he finally came to the inn. He walked through the door, but no one was in the reception room. No one was out in the kitchen, either. Everything was eerily quiet in the place. "Shit. I hope Sanzo didn't kill anyone."

Gojyo walked down the hall, and then he heard some shuffling noises coming from Goku's room. So he knew that at least the monkey was all right. There wasn't a sound coming from Sanzo's room, but that was normal. There was no way in hell he was going to tempt fate by going in there. Hakkai's room was also really quiet, though, and it made him worry. So he walked over and opened the door without so much as a courtesy knock. Not that he was purposely being rude, but he was definitely too drunk to remember to mind his manners. Hakkai was sitting on the bed, reading a book.

"Oh, there you are."

"That monk been givin' ya shit, 'Kai?"

"Gojyo... You're drunk."

"Nah-- well, just a lil'."

"You should go to bed."

"Nuh-uh. Not 'til ya tell me what's been goin' on while I wasn't here," Gojyo insisted, wandering shakily over to sit on a chair.

"Nothing much has happened." Hakkai honestly reported. "Sanzo's been in his room ever since you left. I made lunch, tutored Goku for a few hours, picked up a few things at the market, cleaned the kitchen, made dinner, and then I came in here to read for a while."

"S'that it?"

"Yes. That is all."

"Well, I jus' thought... the shitty priest was gonna cause trouble, that's all."

"Why would you think that?"

"'Cause he's pissy, an' hidin' in 'is room, an' wearin' that slinky black shirt."

"I fail to see what Sanzo's shirt has to do with anything."

"Nothin', 'e jus'... don't usually wear it when it's this hot."

_Of course! _Hakkai thought, remembering the injury to Sanzo's neck that he'd never gotten a chance to heal. _I should probably... _"Excuse me for a minute," he said, getting up and walking to the door.

"Hey... where're ya goin'?" Gojyo demanded.

"It seems I've forgotten something. I'll be back soon," Hakkai explained, walking through the door and shutting it behind him. He heard Gojyo's muffled protest as he walked over to Sanzo's door and knocked. There wasn't an answer, but when he turned the handle he found that the door was unlocked, so he went ahead and walked inside. Sanzo was sitting on the bed, smoking and reading a newspaper.

"What do you want?"

Hakkai thought that Sanzo seemed calmer, somehow. Perhaps the time-out had been good for both of them. "You never did let me heal that injury around your neck."

"What makes you think I'll change my mind?"

"It's still painful, isn't it?"

"It doesn't bother me."

"You'll have to keep wearing that shirt in the heat for weeks unless you let me look at it."

"Hn..." Sanzo trailed off, glancing over at Hakkai as though trying to decide if there was some ulterior motive to this. "You think you can look at it without gaping like an idiot?"

"Yes," Hakkai replied. "I don't have a problem with it." He was fairly certain that he wouldn't balk at the wound this time. He'd already seen it once, and he knew that he had caused it. There was nothing new to shock him. "What bothers me is the thought that Goku and Gojyo would have to look at that shirt for more than a week before the bruises fade."

_Shit. _Sanzo had thought that as long as he kept the shirt on, the idiots wouldn't be any wiser about his situation. But, it was true that they would notice him wearing it in this heat, especially if he had to wear it for weeks. The black fabric was stifling in warm weather and Sanzo was getting sick and tired of the damn thing. "Tch... fine."

Sanzo started pulling the shirt out of his pants and pushing it up his chest. For a second he had considered pulling the collar down instead, but the feel of the silken material bunched around his neck was annoying. Besides, if he did it that way then he knew that Hakkai would notice, and then he'd know that Sanzo was doing it because he didn't trust him. Sanzo preferred to avoid the emotional bullshit. He was just going to do everything the way they always had, before any of this "attraction" shit had happened. If he couldn't trust Hakkai with that much, then things might change. But until that time he wanted as little fuss over it as possible.

Hakkai watched as Sanzo pulled the shirt over his head, looking at the lean contours of his abs and wondering why he had to take the whole thing off like that. It made him uncomfortable, seeing that much of Sanzo's body exposed. _Doesn't Sanzo feel uncomfortable, too? _The fabric peeled off, revealing the wound again. The swelling had gone down quite a bit, but all the red in the bruises had deepened to a hideous, dark purpleish black. There were still indentations and ridges of skin, marking the places where his fingers had dug into Sanzo's neck. It wasn't a pretty sight at all. If anything it looked worse now than it had the time before, but Hakkai didn't falter. He counted himself fortunate to finally be able to heal the marks his own hands had made.

He was about to walk over to Sanzo when, much to his surprise, the monk got up and wandered over to the bed. Then he laid down, stretching his half-naked form against the mattress. Hakkai closed his eyes and smiled, to keep himself from staring. "I could have healed you sitting up."

"When your chi enters my body, my muscles relax. I don't want my head falling down against the back of the chair."

_Of course, _Hakkai thought. Sanzo had a perfectly logical reason for doing what he'd done. Unfortunately, that meant that Hakkai had no choice but to walk up to the bed and stare down at his supine form. It was strange, he'd seen Sanzo's naked body so many times and yet he'd never really allowed himself to admire its sensuous beauty. It was tantalizing, the way his golden skin clung to well-defined muscles and wrapped around the sharp protrusions of bone. Hakkai's gaze was drawn to the low-slung waistline of Sanzo's pants, where the contour of his hips disappeared beneath the rumpled fabric of his jeans, making one wonder what was underneath them. _Now is not a good time to be staring at Sanzo's crotch, _Hakkai scolded himself, looking back up at his face instead.

The first thing he noticed was that Sanzo's eyes were closed, which came as a huge relief because it meant that he probably hadn't caught Hakkai staring. Then he noticed that Sanzo's chin was tilted up, exposing his neck. The bruising wound all the way around it, starting from the point where two thumb-marks joined under his adam's apple. Hand-marks wrapped around the sides of Sanzo's neck while fingers pressed into the back. Hakkai concentrated on the wound, summoning his chi on the tips of his fingers while they gently held onto that neck once more.

Sanzo groaned from the back of his throat when he felt Hakkai's chi enter his body. A warm, tingling sensation seeped through his skin and then penetrated the sore, aching flesh beneath. There was pressure at first, and then he could feel the tension lessen as the blood that had been making his tissue swell started to dissipate. The pain also started to fade. It was a strange thought, realizing that there had been pain. His neck had been constantly stiff and inflamed, but Sanzo had ignored it the whole time. Underneath the subtle pressure of Hakkai's fingers the sharp, pulsing ache dulled and then dissipated completely, leaving nothing more than the sensation that his skin was slightly raw around the area where the wound had been.

Hakkai watched as the dark, painful marks lightened and started to fade. The deep blackish purple lightened into violet, blue, and then eventually paled to a yellowish shade. He was somehow uncomfortable with the situation, standing there next to the bed with his hands around Sanzo's neck. It was much too similar to the position he'd been in while trying to strangle him to death. _He's made himself vulnerable to me, _Hakkai thought. _I could do anything I wanted with him while he's laying in this position. I could strangle him all over again, or... _With the healing done, he removed his hands and glanced back down at Sanzo's body for a brief moment._ ...I could take advantage of him. _The he looked back up at Sanzo's face._ Why do you trust me when you shouldn't?_

He stepped away from the bed, putting some distance between himself and the one he desired. Then Hakkai looked down at the floor before he finally spoke up. "There shouldn't be any trace of the marks in a day or two. If I hadn't healed it, then you probably would've had to wear that shirt for weeks."

At the sound of that soft, polite voice Sanzo's eyes opened, looking up curiously. Hakkai smiled, turned around, and started to walk toward the door. Sanzo wouldn't allow him to leave that easily. "Is that all?" he asked.

Hakkai stopped in his tracks. _Were you... expecting something more? _He hadn't even considered the possibility that this could be a trap, that perhaps Sanzo had only allowed him to heal the wound in order to test him, to see what he would do in a situation like this. Or, maybe it had been a ruse to get him to buckle under the pressure. "Did you really think that I would touch you, after all the things you said to me the other night?" Hakkai couldn't deny that the thought had run through his head. It had been harder to restrain himself than he would've anticipated, and now it seemed as though Sanzo was criticizing him for it.

"I never said you couldn't touch me," Sanzo pointed out. Of course, saying something like that would be stupid. Hakkai had to touch him in order to heal him.

"It was implied," Hakkai said, turning around with a glaring smile on his face. He was angry. It was already bad enough that he was suffering through this unrequited attraction. For Sanzo to toy with him, suggesting that he do something that he already knew was not allowed, was unnecessarily cruel.

"Why?" Sanzo asked, wondering why Hakkai held back. Sanzo never did understand why Hakkai was constantly restraining himself. _Why don't you just take what you want? _He didn't see any reason for it, so he had no choice but to assume that Hakkai was doing it just to punish himself for his perceived sins. Sanzo hated that.Then again, he already knew why Hakkai wouldn't touch him. Hakkai never did anything without his permission.

"I already told you--"

"Not that."

"Then, what are you talking about?" Hakkai demanded, an angry edge entering into his usually pleasant tone of voice. He was getting frustrated.

Sanzo's expression softened as he wondered: _Why do you want _me_?_

"Oh." Hakkai blurted out, taken aback by the sudden change in attitude. He realized that if Sanzo wasn't talking about the reason for his refusal to touch him, then he was probably talking about the situation in general. As expected, Sanzo wanted to know the reason behind it. At this point Hakkai realized that he was going to be stuck in the room for a while, whether he liked it or not. So he sighed and sat down in the nearest chair. He couldn't think straight at all, so he didn't know what to say. There were so many reasons, how could he explain them all in words?

"It's not because of what happened three years ago?" Sanzo asked. _Please, let it be anything but that._

"No, it's not," Hakkai answered. _I don't love you just because you saved me. _He was a bit disappointed that Sanzo would think such a thing, but he didn't really expect Sanzo to understand where he was coming from. "It's... everything that you've done since then, I suppose. The choices that you've made... not just for me, but for everyone." _All those selfless sacrifices... all the people you saved._ "It's just that, you're that kind of person.... the kind of person who would do something like that."

"Hn..." Sanzo hummed, thinking the statement over. He supposed that it made sense, and in a way he was glad that Hakkai wasn't attracted to him just because he'd saved him. On the other hand, this was something that would be very difficult to ignore. It sounded like Hakkai's feelings for him were deep, meaningful, and fairly well-thought out. They might even be too stubborn to get rid of at all.

"Haven't you ever noticed how well we work together?" Hakkai asked, trying to break Sanzo's cold, calculating gaze. "On the outside, it may seem like we're very different people, almost completely separate entities. Your temperament is practically opposite to mine. I'm calm, polite, and restrained while you're irritable, rude, and brash."

"Hey...." Sanzo complained.

Hakkai ignored it and kept talking. "Yet, our personalities work well together. My calm, collected manner counteracts with your brash irritability, and your blunt honesty obliterates my subtle deception. We complement each other in this way... we bring out the best in each other."

_What? _Sanzo thought. Those words seemed familiar, somehow; they reminded him of something that he'd heard before. Then an image came into his mind, of a clear, blue sky with a single orange paper airplane gliding through the air. Master Koumyou's melodic voice drifted up to young Kouryuu's ears. _"Isn't it beautiful? Orange contrasts with the blue, making it look especially bright. Because they're complementary colors, each brings out the best qualities in the other." _After pausing for a moment Koumyou added: _"I guess it's a boring story." _Kouryuu didn't think it was boring at all. _"No." _he said. _"It's beautiful."_

"Sanzo?" Hakkai called, noticing a faraway look in those violet eyes. It made him wonder if he'd gone too far and said something inappropriate. "Would you like me to leave now?" Sanzo didn't say anything; he just glanced pensively down at the floor. Hakkai got up from his seat and started walking to the door.

"We're... not opposites," Sanzo pointed out.

"Yes, I suppose that's true," Hakkai mused, stopping in his tracks. "After all, I was only considering temperament... an outward expression of who were are. But, deep inside we have many similarities, do we not?" He paused, letting his fingers trace delicately over the edge of the table at his side. "We are both selfish, manipulative, vindictive, and needy. I hide my anger with a false smile, and you hide your caring for others with false anger. Yet, underneath those pretenses, we feel the same. We crave... acceptance. Albeit, in different ways. And, we understand each other almost intuitively...."

Sanzo stared speechlessly as Hakkai peered over his shoulder at him with his one good eye, the rest of his forehead covered in deep brown bangs. There were so many thoughts racing through Sanzo's head. He wanted to protest, but he couldn't think of a single sentence that made any sense. He wanted to say: _I'm not as emotionally needy as you. _But Hakkai would see right through that, and it'd be a bad time to insult him. The statement about false smiles and false anger was true and it stunned Sanzo to hear such a thing spoken so carelessly, deceitfully manipulated between Hakkai's lips. _And... damn it! Why am I thinking about his lips again?_

Hakkai reflected on all the times Sanzo had recognized his self-loathing behavior, even when he'd been trying to hide it. He also noticed all too easily when Sanzo was in a bad mood, and could tell when Sanzo wanted something. In fact, they both seemed to be able to tell what the other person was feeling, without ever having to ask. In battle, they could follow each other's thoughts and movements flawlessly. And even though Hakkai had once felt indebted to Sanzo for saving his life, Sanzo had trusted Hakkai with his life as well. Hakkai would never forget the way that Sanzo had literally, physically, placed his life in his hands. "I suppose that some similarities are necessary in order to understand someone."

After looking down at the floor, Sanzo huffed in annoyance. He didn't like Hakkai pointing out his obvious negative traits, or assuming that he craved acceptance. Even if it was true, he didn't like to admit it. It made him feel weak. _Sometimes I think we understand each other too damned well. _

"I suppose I should stop babbling now," Hakkai said. He knew that Sanzo would be annoyed with the speech even if he hadn't made it obvious, so he faked a pleasant smile. Hakkai really couldn't help it. The smiles had become a habit and he offered them reflexively, without thought. "Good night, Sanzo," he said. Then he went ahead and walked out the door. It felt awkward, like he'd over-stepped his boundaries again. Like he'd said too much without ever intending to. _It's probably true... _he admitted to himself. _I've been thoughtlessly defending myself again, without considering Sanzo's feelings at all. _

He walked across the hall to his own room and opened the door to find Gojyo lying at his feet. _Drunk and passed out on the floor. _Hakkai sighed. _You really should've listened when I told you to go to sleep. _He bent over and wrapped his arms around the unconscious man's waist, dragging him up to his feet. Gojyo didn't wake up, of course. So Hakkai awkwardly pulled one arm over his shoulder and carried his lover down the hall to his own room. He dropped the gangly form down onto the mattress, rearranging the splayed arms and legs into a more comfortable position. Then he pulled the blankets out from under the weight of Gojyo's body and tucked him into bed.

Hakkai stood back and looked down on him for a moment, resting from the tiring work of moving his body around. Gojyo had the sweetest, most peaceful look on his face when he was sleeping. Hakkai thought that was the only time when Gojyo looked truly innocent. The thought made Hakkai smile, a genuine smile. _Too bad you're not awake to see it._ Then he bent over the side of the bed and laid a gentle kiss on Gojyo's forehead, muttering softly: "Rest well, my love."

After that he quietly left the room and closed the door. Then he walked back to his own room again. On his way he noticed that there was still light shining out from under Sanzo's door. He almost wanted to go in and say something, maybe apologize for what he'd said earlier. But, he was fairly certain that he wasn't welcome in Sanzo's presence right now. Then Hakkai realized that even if he did apologize, Sanzo probably wouldn't want to hear it.

Reluctantly, he returned to his own room. He made short work of taking off his clothes and then stepped directly into the shower, sighing in relief as the hot water hit his body and warm steam gently caressed his skin. He grabbed the soap and rubbed it around in his hands, working up a good lather. As he spread it over his arms he noticed that something between his legs was demanding his attention. It seemed that the warm water flowing down his chest had awakened it for some reason. _Not again!_ Hakkai complained. _Didn't we just--_ "Last, night... with Gojyo?" It twitched and stiffened in spite of his disdain. "You're even worse than he is!"

Hakkai sighed in resignation, realizing that it was futile to have an argument with his own penis. _Very well... _he thought, reaching down to take it in his hand. _I know what you want. _He stroked it up and down a few times, trying to focus on Gojyo and the peaceful expression on his face that night. It didn't work: his thoughts flashed right back to Sanzo. Shirtless Sanzo, with his naked chest lying vulnerable on the bed and his golden hair spread weightlessly over the sheets.Hakkai's hand tightened around his cock, pumping it faster. "Ha-aaaaahh! San-zo!"

Then he thought about the way the muscles in Sanzo's neck trailed all the way down to his collarbone, and the way his skin was tight over the firm muscle of his pecs, accented by soft, round nipples. Hakkai moaned deeply and kept pumping his length, so hard and fervently wanton in his hand. He could imagine the smooth contours of Sanzo's abs, the gentle curve of his hips as they dipped down into his pants. _Oh... so hot! _And he wanted for it to be Sanzo's hand wrapped around his cock, squeezing tight and hard as it jerked him off. It felt so good, just thinking about it made the heat gather inside of him. His hand was slick with moisture, gliding up and down his erection. _So wet..._

And then Hakkai thought that maybe it was more like Sanzo's mouth. _Yes! _He wondered what it would be like to feel those lips parting over the tip of his cock, to feel that juicy pink tongue sliding under his head as he was taken into the liquid heat of that mouth. Hakkai groaned from somewhere deep in his chest and kept stroking. "Sanzo! Ahhh!" _Deeper... into your throat,_ he thought, going faster and faster as he imagined Sanzo's head bobbing up and down, sucking him off. _I'll run my hands through your hair and-- _"Ahhh! AHHHH!"

Hakkai's erection was so tense that his hand automatically clamped down around it. _So tight... _For a fraction of a second, the thought of being inside Sanzo's ass flickered through his mind before his muscles clenched, forcing his semen up and out of his body. "SANZOOOO!!" His orgasm hit so hard that he stumbled backward into the shower wall, trembling and throbbing, and sliding against the tiles while gasping for air. Even now that his voice was soft and breathless, the name came bleeding from his lips, "...Sanzo... Sanzo...."

In a few minutes his mind cleared and he forced himself to tumble into a corner, feeling inexplicably angry with himself. _I should be ashamed, _he thought. _For fantasizing about Sanzo this way... for even thinking about it._ _I should... _He suddenly, vehemently wished that Gojyo were angry with him. _I should be punished. _And he realized that he wanted Gojyo to be jealous. Hakkai wanted someone to smack him, to knock some sense into him, because clearly this didn't make any sense at all. _But... Gojyo would never do that. _Of course not.He knew that it was foolish to have ever thought that Gojyo would be angry.

After all, he knew how Gojyo felt about Sanzo. He should know; after all he'd lived with the man for three years. It didn't happen often, but even Gojyo masturbated sometimes. Hakkai knew that his name wasn't the only one he'd heard screaming from Gojyo's mouth. Even through both the bathroom and the bedroom door, he had heard calls for Sanzo several times. It only happened during the times when he wasn't supposed to be home, so he knew that Gojyo was trying to spare his feelings. It made him wonder where the jealousy between himself and Gojyo really stemmed from. _Are we really both jealous because we want each other, or are we jealous because we both want Sanzo? _The question was nerve-wracking. He couldn't think of it anymore.

Hakkai couldn't deny that he'd still felt terribly jealous when he'd heard Gojyo screaming Sanzo's name those times, although he wondered now if it wasn't because he'd wanted to scream Sanzo's name himself. Then he laughed. He laughed because it was so ironic for him to have been jealous back then, even though he was doing the same thing now. Hakkai wondered how Gojyo would react if he heard it. _What thoughts would go through his head?_ But he was sure that Gojyo wouldn't be jealous. _No. Gojyo is too kind-hearted for something like that. I'm the one who is cruel. _The guilt was so strong. _For putting both of you through this, I really deserve to be punished, _he thought. Because he really didn't want to hurt either of them.

_But... I still love Gojyo, _Hakkai admitted. _I don't want to lose him, ever. _It was something that he didn't understand. Before he'd fallen for his sister, he'd closed himself off to everyone. He'd barely been able to love one person back then. _But now... to want to have a relationship with both of them at once? _He couldn't really grasp it, and he envied Gojyo. He envied him greatly, because those things always seemed to come so easily to Gojyo. _How can you simply accept something like this? _he wondered. _How can you accept it, and then... just let it go? _Hakkai sighed, he felt like he'd made himself sick to his stomach. _Why must everything be so complicated? _He wondered. _Why can't I just be content with what I have? Why can't I just be happy with Gojyo?_

He reluctantly pushed himself up and finished washing off his body, worrying that he'd wasted enough hot water already. It would start to get cold soon. _I am happy with Gojyo, _he insisted to himself. Even though it was true, he still felt empty, somehow. Their relationship wasn't perfect by any means, but he knew that he still felt at peace when he was by Gojyo's side. _I really am happy, but... I still want Sanzo, too. _Hakkai cursed his own incompetence. The desperate, needy nature of his heart, mind, and body.Far worse than simple lust or greed, his all-consuming need for affection only sought to satisfy itself without caring for anyone else. _Isn't this a sin?_

After rinsing all the soap away, Hakkai turned the water off and stepped out of the shower. He hastily dried his body with a towel, put his pajamas on, and laid down in bed. The thoughts going through his mind really made him feel wretched. But the moment his mind started to drift off, he was thinking about Sanzo again. Thoughts turned into dreams, and Hakkai was with Sanzo in all of them. Touching him, tasting him, making love to him in long, passionate sessions. Even when their bodies gave out, the world went black, and his mind melted; even though could no longer feel his limbs or remember his own name, there was still, _Sanzo... Sanzo... _echoing through the empty darkness of his soul.


	17. Chapter 17 Torn

**Torn**

Sanzo couldn't sleep, even though his body was tired his mind was clouded with too many thoughts. He already knew from experience that there was no point in lying down; it just wouldn't work. So he sat next to the open window, smoking a cigarette and staring into the night. The things Hakkai had said earlier were too much to take in. Sanzo had never expected to be lectured on the differences between them, and reminded of the ways in which they complemented each other. He didn't want to dwell on the underlying similarities, either. How much of his life depended on hiding his weaknesses so that the others thought he was strong? Hakkai's words left him with a vulnerable feeling that he absolutely did not want.

As much as he wanted to refute the argument, he couldn't. It frustrated him, but everything that Hakkai had said made sense. He couldn't find a loophole big enough to exploit. It was all basically true, and arguing the details would only get him more deeply into things he didn't want to talk about. _This is even worse than I'd imagined, _Sanzo thought. Hakkai's reasoning threatened his. But even so, he simply couldn't give in. _Just because we work well together, it doesn't that mean we should.... _Sanzo struggled to define whatever was going on between the two of them. It annoyed him that he'd somehow gone through another talk with Hakkai without really finding out what the man was trying to get out of all this. His biggest fear initially had been physical intimacy, but it seemed like there was something more to it, now. Something deeper and much more insidious.

At least Sanzo knew why Hakkai wanted him now, but he was honestly starting to regret having ever asked that question. The answer had proven to be more than he could handle. Then Sanzo reminded himself that he hadn't actually asked the question in the first place. At least, not out loud. Sanzo just gave Hakkai a look, and then he knew. "_...we understand each other almost intuitively..." _"You didn't need to prove it like that," he muttered to himself, severely annoyed with the whole situation. He sighed, took another hit of his smoke, and blew it out into the cool night air. _This whole situation is just... impossible. _

What upset Sanzo the most was the inevitable realization that there was no getting out of this at all. After hearing Hakkai say things like that, he knew that it was pointless to even try talking him out of his feelings. Sanzo could almost feel the control spiraling out of his hands, and it made him sick. He no longer had any favorable options. The only thing he could do was turn Hakkai down and watch the whole group continue to suffer. Or, he could give in. Even now he swore that was something he would not do. He simply didn't have any desire to try it, and he wouldn't change his mind for anyone. Nothing good could come of it, as far as he was concerned.

There were reasons that he'd never considered such a thing before, chief of which was the fact that he had absolutely no experience with it, whatsoever. The way that he'd been raised in a temple was obviously different from most people. Although Master Koumyou had loved him as a father, he showed it by his kind words and an occasional touch to the head or shoulder. He hadn't been like normal, affectionate parents who gave their kids hugs and kisses all the time. Even if he had been, Kouryuu would have found it annoying. He didn't like showy public displays of affection, or any display of affection at all, for that matter. He avoided them as much as possible.

Then there was the time after his master died when he spent years wandering around on his own. Back then the only touches he ever felt were the hands or feet of some ruffian or another They were usually trying to kill him, or worse. During that time he'd gotten to the point where even the slightest sound nearby would make him draw his gun. He'd learned the hard way that it was better if he didn't give any of those sadistic, perverted bastards a chance to touch him. Sanzo had calmed down considerably since that time. He had to, with the monkey running around all over the place. But the aversion he felt to that kind of contact had never truly gone away. Hakkai was the only person who Sanzo would let touch him, and that was only to heal his wounds. That contact had a purpose, so it made sense. Nothing else did.

On the other hand, Sanzo was worried about Hakkai. He was obviously not taking the situation well at all. _What will happen if I continue to refuse?_ It didn't seem like it would be anything good. Hakkai was already suffering, and there was no reason to expect that to change. _Does it really boil down to this? _Sanzo wondered. _Does it have to be either him or me? _In most cases, Sanzo wouldn't have any reservations about putting his own interests above anyone else's. But, this was Hakkai. In spite of how infuriating, frustrating, and downright annoying he found the situation, he really didn't want to hurt Hakkai. Sanzo didn't want to be hurt either, but it seemed like it was already too late to spare both of their feelings.

"Fuck," he cursed to himself, forcing his eyes shut. He bit down on his cigarette, flattening it against his lips. Then he calmed down, took another hit, and let the weariness of the day settle into his bones. _I'll sleep on it, _he told himself. It was the only reasonable thing to do. He was too confused, too weary, too emotional. He put his cigarette out in the ashtray on the windowsill, and then fell backwards into bed. His eyes stared blankly out the window for a moment, then they slowly closed shut as he drifted off to sleep.

When Sanzo finally got out of bed the next morning the sun was shining brightly through the curtains and he could hear the faint sound of voices echoing from down the hall. The loudest one was obviously Goku; that monkey made sounds that were so annoying that they could carry through any number of doors and walls and still reach his ears. As Sanzo sat up in bed, stretched his stiff back, and reached for his smokes, he thought he could hear the low-pitched drawl of the kappa's voice too. He didn't hear Hakkai.

Sanzo tried to tell himself that it was because Hakkai's voice was higher in pitch than the others, or because he was normally quiet in comparison to the other two, but he already knew that the real reason he didn't hear it was because Hakkai wasn't talking. Of course, Hakkai wouldn't be talking. It had been days since the last time he'd made sarcastic comments about the frequent pointless arguments between the other two. Hakkai wasn't going to be cheerfully interjecting his own opinion when the other two didn't make sense, or pleasantly scolding them to keep their voices down, either. _How much longer can I stand this? _Sanzo wondered.

After he finished smoking his cigarette, Sanzo got dressed and headed down the hall. Hakkai had his back turned to the group. He was busy in the kitchen, as usual. The other two were busy screaming and pulling each other's hair. It annoyed Sanzo to just look at them. While the idiots were distracted with their argument Sanzo walked up and snapped both of them in the head with his paper fan.

"IDIOTS! Shut the fuck up, already!"

"Hey, that hurt!" the monkey whined.

"Tch... nice to see that you finally decided to show your face, Lord Sanzo." Gojyo taunted.

"I said, SHUT UP!" Sanzo insisted, whacking the kappa again for good measure. It was excellent stress relief. Then he sat down at the table. If the smell of food in the air was any indication, breakfast would be ready soon, and for some strange reason he was really hungry.

Gojyo caught Goku smiling to himself, and he had to admit that it was tempting not to do the same. Nothing was more normal than being smacked in the head by Sanzo during one of the day's first arguments. Then the feeling died when Hakkai came to the table carrying several plates of food, hot off the stove. Goku was easily distracted by the meal, but the only thing Gojyo could look at was the pale tone to Hakkai's face. It was all washed out with a beaten-down look that was absolutely sickening, next to the false smile on his face.

Hakkai really did feel awful. His sleep had been fitful, and he was drowning in guilt again. He felt horrible for wanting Sanzo the way he did, and filthy for having fantasized about him in such a carnal, licentious manner. The desire that he felt was strong, but he abhorred it because this infatuation was hurting Sanzo. He couldn't forgive himself for that.

Sanzo also noticed that something was wrong. After looking down at the food as it was set in front of him, he looked up at Hakkai. Then he balked at the wan, dejected appearance of his face. In spite of trying to put up a cheerful front, Hakkai looked completely miserable. Just looking at him left a sour taste in Sanzo's mouth. _I didn't want this, _he thought. He wasn't sure what he was trying to accomplish anymore, but he definitely didn't want this. All the same, he realized that it was his fault for rejecting Hakkai in the first place. For once Sanzo felt the unfamiliar tinge of guilt eating away at his resolve.

"Hey... you don't look so hot, Hakkai," Gojyo said. "You catchin' a cold or something?"

"No, I'm fine," Hakkai replied, smiling even more widely. "I didn't get much sleep last night."

That was when Gojyo started to feel like an ass. He felt pretty worthless for having run off to the bar the other night, leaving Hakkai on his own. _What the hell was I thinking? _he wondered. When he thought about it, he was really ashamed of himself. Even though he'd had no intention of staying at the bar that long, he had already known that it was a bad idea to begin with. _I never should have left. _On the other hand, Hakkai had seemed fine when he'd gotten back that night. But Gojyo knew that Hakkai seeming fine and Hakkai actually being fine were often two different things.

_What happened after I got home that night? _Gojyovaguely remembered that Hakkai had gone off after something. His memory of the night was vague because he had been pretty drunk, but he remembered watching Hakkai's back going out the door. Gojyo swore that the next time he got a moment alone with Hakkai, that was the first thing he'd ask about. Then he looked down at the table, and realized that Goku was hogging all the food. "Hey, ya stupid monkey! Don't take all the meat for yourself!"

"I didn't take it all! Sanzo's got some too, see?!"

"Sanzo's not the only one who's gotta eat!"

"Hey, give that back!"

Then the loud bang of Sanzo's gun rang in their ears as bullets sailed over their heads. They looked over to see Sanzo standing up next to his chair and glaring at them with a look that could definitely kill, if he wanted it to.

Sanzo didn't say a word. Considering the terrified looks on the idiots' faces, he didn't have to. His angry glare had already cowed them into submission, so he just sat down and went back to eating his breakfast in peace. Hakkai laughed shallowly at the event. _But... _Sanzo thought. ..._at least he laughed. That's an improvement, right? _It didn't matter. He ignored the others until the food was gone and Hakkai took the plates back to the kitchen. Goku sat quietly at the table, coloring with the crayons because Gojyo had gone to help Hakkai wash the dishes. Sanzo read the paper, like usual.

_It's too quiet, _he thought, noting that Gojyo and Hakkai weren't even talking to each other, besides a few brief comments about the dishes they were washing. Then, just a few moments later, he heard a loud clanging sound as several plates dropped to the floor. Sanzo couldn't really see behind the counter, but the plates were plastic, so they obviously didn't break. Looking at the expressions on Hakkai's and Gojyo's faces, it was obvious that Hakkai had been the one to drop them.

"I'm sorry," Hakkai politely apologized, bending down to pick them up.

"Maybe you should go lie down," Gojyo suggested.

Sanzo wouldn't listen to another word. He shot up out of his chair and made for the door.

"Where're ya goin'?" Goku asked.

"Out," Sanzo curtly replied, walking through the front door and then slamming it behind him. He didn't really have any idea where he was going. All he knew was that he wanted to be out of the room, out of the inn completely. He wanted to be somewhere no one would bother him. But he realized that if he walked away, they would eventually come looking for him. So he pulled out a cigarette, lit up, and leaned against the wall. He was still preoccupied with the paleness of Hakkai's face, and the clattering sound of dishes as they'd fallen to the floor. _This isn't what I wanted. _

At this rate, Sanzo was sure that Hakkai wouldn't last much longer. He was also worried what would happen when the man's meticulous self-control finally started to crack. Sanzo didn't think that Hakkai would let himself lose it, but he might decide to leave. After all, Sanzo had already told him that he could, if he wanted to. Back when he'd said it, he'd really had meant it, too. Not because he wanted Hakkai to leave, but because he knew that the journey they were on would be troublesome. He didn't want Hakkai to suffer for his sake, but he didn't want him to feel obligated to come, either.

_And... what happens if he does decide to leave? _Sanzo wondered. He wouldn't try to stop Hakkai from going, if that was what he decided to do. But that didn't change the fact that Sanzo still didn't want it to happen. Hakkai was the only one in the group who made any sense, the one person he could talk to and confide in without being interrupted by some annoying emotional outburst. He truly enjoyed the time he spent with Hakkai, and he wasn't sure how he would do without it. Who would bring him coffee in the morning, or have those short peaceful conversations about the direction of their journey? Who would do the laundry and cook all their meals? Who would go shopping for groceries and clean up after all of their messes? Who would keep him sane when the idiots were arguing so loudly it drove him crazy?

Then Sanzo realized that the question was irrelevant, because if Hakkai left, then Gojyo would leave, too. _I could definitely do without the perverted kappa, _he thought. But without Hakkai it would just be Sanzo and Goku against innumerable hordes of youkai, not to mention the true entity behind the experiments. Sanzo didn't like those odds. Not because he had any doubt that he and Goku could take care of themselves, but because the Sanbutsushin had asked him to take those two for a reason. Besides, if Hakkai left then Hakuryu left, and it would take forever to reach India on foot. Obviously, losing Hakkai was not an option.

_I can't let that happen, _Sanzo decided. He needed to keep Hakkai around, by whatever means necessary. _...by whatever means... _However, he realized that there was only one way to do that, and he didn't like it. Sanzo was still repulsed by the idea of being in a relationship of any sort; he was sure it would interfere in their mission. _But it's already interfering, _he realized. The group's dynamic was already fucked up. The arrangement was on its way to ruin unless something was done. Giving Hakkai what he wanted might be the only way to get things back to normal.

_Shit! _Sanzo thought, taking a deep drag from his smoke. _I guess... I really don't have a choice._

*****

"That fuckin' bastard!" Gojyo cursed, after Sanzo had gone outside and slammed the door. "I swear I'll go out there and give him a piece of my--"

"Gojyo, please...." Hakkai interrupted, laying a steadying hand on his shoulder. "There's no point. Even if he could hear you, he wouldn't listen."

"Shitty priest," Gojyo muttered, picking the plates up off the floor.

"Shut up!" Goku yelled. "Stupid kappa, it's not like that! Sanzo's not like that at all!"

"Then why'd he just go storming out the door, ya stupid monkey!"

"Gojyo!" Hakkai scolded.

"It's because Hakkai's not feeling good, that's why!" Goku continued. "'Cause Sanzo's worried about 'im, but... instead of being sad, Sanzo gets angry! That's just the way he is!" He ended the rant and sat down in a huff while the other two just stood and stared at him.

Hakkai wondered if what Goku had said was true. He had really thought that Sanzo was angry at him, upset that he was unable to hide his obvious suffering from this obsession. But if Goku said that Sanzo was worried about him, then Hakkai was inclined to believe it. After all, Goku had known Sanzo longer than any of them.

Gojyo didn't really care either way. Even if Sanzo was worried about Hakkai, this was a really shitty way of showing it. He could tell that Goku was really upset about the situation too, so he walked back over to the table.

"I don't get you guys." Goku complained. "Why's everybody keeping secrets from me?"

"We're not keeping secrets form you, little monkey." Gojyo said. He reached down to muss the kid's hair.

"Yes, you are!" Goku insisted, pushing the hand off of his head. "You guys are all sad and angry, but nobody's tellin' me why!"

"Goku..." Hakkai softly called from across the room. "It's not because we want to keep secrets from you. It's just that what's going on right now is very difficult to explain."

"But, you can explain anything! Can't you, Hakkai?"

Hakkai sighed and let his head droop down toward his shoulders. "I suppose that I could make an effort." He wasn't really sure what he was going to say, or how he could say anything and still avoid the topics that Sanzo obviously didn't want Goku to know about. On the other hand, Hakkai felt it it inappropriate to completely keep the truth from Goku. After all, he was important to Sanzo, and deserved to know what was going on. So, he tried to explain it in a way that Goku would understand. "I... like Sanzo, very much," Hakkai confessed. "But, it seems to bother him."

Goku looked up curiously. He wasn't really sure what Hakkai meant. "That doesn't bother him. Sanzo really likes all of us, he just... doesn't like talkin' about it."

"Somehow, I think I've failed to make my point," Hakkai said in a humiliated tone.

"Nah, you got it all wrong," Gojyo said to Goku, picking up a crayon and drawing on a blank sheet of paper. "It's like this..." By the time Gojyo was done, two little stick figures with circles for heads stood side by side. "...sometimes you like someone as a friend, right?" He connected the arms so it looked like the two figures were holding hands. "But, sometimes you like someone as a lover." Then he grabbed the red crayon and drew a little heart between the stick figures' heads.

"Gojyo..." Hakkai objected. _I really don't think Sanzo wants us to educate Goku about this particular subject._

Gojyo ignored him and kept going anyway. "What Hakkai meant when he said that he liked Sanzo, was that he liked him as a lover, not just as a friend anymore."

Goku stared blankly at the paper for a few minutes. It reminded him of the picture that Gojyo had drawn a few days ago, with his red-haired stick figure leaning against stick-figure Sanzo and a heart over their heads. "So... it's like the way that you want Sanzo as a lover?"

"WHA--" Gojyo choked. "Where the hell did you get that idea?!"

"It's because you're always hittin' on him, pervy kappa!"

"That's none of your business, you little shit!"

"He doesn't like it, ya stupid pervert!"

"Now, now..." Hakkai said, walking over and separating the two. He couldn't help but giggle to himself. After all, Goku's innocent assumption was so hilariously true.

"But, Hakkai... you're not like that!" Goku protested. "You're not a pervert like Gojyo!"

"Ha ha ha, HAHAHAHA!" Hakkai laughed. _Yes, I am, _he thought. He couldn't answer Goku's question at all, because he couldn't stop laughing.

"You'd be surprised, kid," Gojyo said, resting a hand on Goku's shoulder.

"I'm not a kid!" Goku yelled, slapping it away. "Anyway, I don't get it! Hakkai doesn't like Sanzo like that, do you, Hakkai?"

Hakkai abruptly stopped laughing. It wasn't funny any more. "I'm afraid I do like Sanzo like that," he said, unwilling to lie about it. "It's just as Gojyo says, Goku."

Goku looked thoughtful for a minute. He put his finger to his mouth and looked back down at Gojyo's drawing on the table again. It was hard to imagine Hakkai acting like that: Goku had never seen Hakkai act like Gojyo at all. Even when he was around women, Hakkai was usually nice to them. Goku couldn't imagine Sanzo getting mad at Hakkai the way he did with Gojyo, either. "I guess, Sanzo doesn't like anybody trying to be his lover," he said. "But, even though he doesn't want to admit it, he still likes you, Hakkai. Sanzo likes you a lot." Then Goku smiled up at the startled expression on Hakkai's face. "That's why I know that he's not really mad."

"Goku..." Hakkai trailed off. He wasn't sure whether he felt comforted or disappointed. It was true that Sanzo didn't like anyone "trying to be his lover" and Hakkai accepted that. But at the same time he wanted very much for Sanzo to like him that way, even though he realized that such a thing was probably impossible.

"I'll prove it!" Goku said, jumping out of his chair. He walked resolutely across the room and out the front door. Sanzo was standing right next to it, smoking and staring off into the distance. At least he had been until Goku came out. He stood up to the monk's questioning gaze, determined to get an answer. "Sanzo, you're not really mad at Hakkai, are you?"

Sanzo balked at the question. "Oi... what are you talking about, monkey? Speak human!"

"It's just that... they both think you're really, really mad! But you're not... right, Sanzo?"

"Tch..." Sanzo exhaled a mouth full of smoke in annoyance at Goku's persistence. Of course he wasn't mad at Hakkai. It was the situation that frustrated him more than anything else. He didn't want to admit that, but things were really getting out of hand. Sanzo knew that Goku wouldn't be out here unless he was really worried about something, and the last thing he needed was a wibbly little monkey clinging to his robe. "I'm not mad at Hakkai. I'm just annoyed with his demanding behavior."

"Okay, I'll go tell him that," Goku replied, immediately darting right back inside.

"H-Hey...!" Sanzo called, too slow to stop him. "Idiot! Don't--" He peeked inside just in time to hear the conversation.

Goku walked right up to Hakkai and said, "Sanzo's not mad at you, he's just annoyed with your, um... demeanin' behavior... or somethin' like that."

"Demeaning?" Hakkai asked, confused. "I can't imagine Sanzo saying that my behavior toward him is demeaning, even if he does think so." Hakkai paused for a minute, wondering which word Sanzo had actually used.

Gojyo laughed his ass off and Goku didn't know what to think about it, so he didn't say anything.

"I think you mean 'demanding'" Hakkai corrected. "Yes, that sounds like something Sanzo would say." After thinking about it for a moment he became annoyed. _I really haven't even begun to be demanding._ On the other hand, Hakkai wondered if Sanzo had possibly taken what he'd said the wrong way. _Perhaps I should clarify it... when I get the chance._

"Yeah, that!" Goku said. "That's the word he used!"

"Shitty priest!" Gojyo yelled in between loud guffaws. "He would say something like that!"

Sanzo groaned to himself and closed the door. "I swear... I'm never talking to any of you idiots ever again." Then he took another hit of his cigarette and stared out into the streets. _Stupid monkey, you weren't supposed to tell him that. _He sighed. This was exactly the reason he'd tried to avoid answering Goku's questions in the first place. _That's not what I meant. _Now Hakkai thought he was being even more judgmental than he actually was. _Great. This is just... _"I didn't mean it like that."

He wasn't really sure how he had meant it, though. It was supposed to refer to the situation, and not to sound personal. Somehow he'd failed miserably at that. No big surprise. He wasn't good at this kind of thing, just like he wasn't any good with relationships. _If you really had any idea what trying to put up with me as a lover would be like... you would run away screaming, Hakkai._ Obviously, Hakkai wasn't thinking about that. Sanzo didn't have any idea what was going through the man's head, but he definitely wasn't seeing things clearly. _You've really got a screw loose if you want something like that with someone like me. _

Then again, Sanzo wasn't really sure he meant that, any more. He didn't think that Hakkai was crazy; the man obviously had his reasons. Even so, Sanzo was sure that Hakkai was looking at it with a very optimistic view of what they could be like together, while he realized that his own viewpoint was nothing but pessimistic. _In reality, the relationship will develop somewhere in between the two extremes, _Sanzo thought. _But... that still doesn't mean that I think it's a good idea, even if I don't have any choice in the matter. _

He took another hit of his cigarette, inhaling slowly and deeply so that the smoke filled his lungs. Then he exhaled hastily, allowing his lungs to fill back up with air. The thoughts in his head began to wander, and the frustration started to dissipate. In spite of all of his objections, he cared deeply for Hakkai. Sanzo had never bothered trying to classify or define his feelings; labels weren't something that he believed in, anyway. He never used them for any of the people he cared about.

Kouryuu had never called Koumyou his father. Even though his master had meant more than life itself to him, he had never used that word. A name like that came with implications and commitments. He hadn't wanted to burden Master Koumyou any more than he already had. Sanzo never called Goku his son, either. There was no way in hell he ever would. The last thing he wanted was to feel like he was responsible for that mischievous little monkey. Sanzo never referred to anyone as his friend, either. Even that term came with annoying assumptions that he would rather avoid. By the same token, Sanzo never wanted to have a lover, or anything even remotely similar to one. It was just another responsibility, one that he would rather avoid getting dragged into.

_Father, son, friend, lover. _As far as Sanzo was concerned, none of those words could ever explain the feelings that one person had for another, whether those feelings were returned or not. On the other hand, Hakkai had always meant something to Sanzo. His life had value and meaning that defied definition and transcended the simple boundaries of a "friend" or "companion." Sanzo thought it was obvious, so he shouldn't have to talk about it. He shouldn't have to constantly re-affirm something that was already known to be true with meaningless words and extravagant shows of affection.

The members of their small group were all bound to each other in some way or another, but Hakkai wasn't dependent on Sanzo the way Goku was. Even though Sanzo had once saved him, he was a grown man. In spite of the wishes of the three aspects, Sanzo insisted that Hakkai didn't need anyone to watch over him. Hakkai wasn't a useless idiot who didn't know what he wanted like the kappa, either. They were both lost in a sense, and hungry for affection, but at least Hakkai knew about his weakness and had his impulses under control. Gojyo was reckless and sloppy. Even three years ago, Hakkai had been someone who had known perfectly well what he wanted. But, for a reason that Sanzo didn't think anyone else understood, he had decided to interfere.

Sanzo hadn't cared when he'd first heard the description of the man who had killed a thousand demons to avenge his incestuous love for his sister, even though he'd understood that lust for vengeance all too clearly himself. He hadn't really cared when he'd seen the brown-haired, green-eyed stranger bolt from Gojyo's home, fleeing in desperation. That sort of reaction was normal. It was when they'd finally caught up to him in the woods, when he'd seen the hopeless look in that one remaining eye, that he'd started to feel something. Looking down at the figure stained with blood, Sanzo had wondered if his eyes had held that same look years ago, when he'd fished the short-barreled revolver out of his robes and aimed it at his own head.

The things Sanzo had said to Hakkai that day were the same things he'd said to himself years ago, over and over in his mind. He had been desperately clinging to that one string of thought, willing himself to find a reason to survive: to live, in spite of all the odds against him, because there was no other way that anything would ever get better. He didn't know why saying those things to Hakkai had come so easily, or what he had been was trying to accomplish in saying them. All he knew was that he'd understood the pain that the other man was going through. He'd known what it was like to want to die, and he'd despised that feeling with every fiber of his being. Sanzo didn't want to feel that way ever again, and he didn't want anyone else to feel that way, either.

However, the bond that Sanzo shared with Hakkai couldn't be expressed with only that one, single incident. The situation wasn't as simple as one in which two people ended up in similar situations by some strange twist of fate. Rather, it was their decisions in those situations that paralleled each other and determined who they were. It was every single choice each of them had made before that point, and all the ones they made afterward. It was in the way that Hakkai smiled when Sanzo was around, in the way that he spoke in a hushed tone of respect, and in the way that he lived. Continuing to bear the hellish torment of his own existence, because Sanzo had shown him the way.

_After all this time, and all the things that we've been through... _Sanzo wondered, _don't you already know how I feel? _He didn't really understand how Hakkai could forget, or only remember when it suited his purpose. It puzzled him that even now there were times when Hakkai seemed to think that he didn't care, that Hakkai had somehow proven himself unworthy. In reality, Sanzo thought that Hakkai had more than proven himself. He would always hold Hakkai in high regard. Even if they did disagree from time to time, it didn't change the way Sanzo felt about him. Hakkai didn't really seem to grasp that nothing would change that.

_Even if I don't want a relationship with anyone, you mean something to me. _It frustrated Sanzo that he couldn't find a way to say it in words. It wasn't something that he could be blunt about, because expressing feelings of any sort made him uncomfortable. _Don't take my rejection of you so seriously. It doesn't mean that I'm holding a grudge against you, even if the situation greatly frustrates me. _That was the thing Sanzo hated most of all. His insecurity was hurting Hakkai, and he knew it. He had assumed that getting closer would only increase the likelihood of this happening, but he knew now that it was happening, anyway. _I may not have any choice but to try it now, but... regardless of that, I would still like to make up for the pain I've caused. _In a way, Sanzo was glad to have that chance, even though the idea still bothered him.

_I still don't really want to do it, _he thought. Just thinking about the possibility made him nervous. It made him feel sick to his stomach. In spite of all of his angry protests, he was scared. He was afraid of opening up to anyone. Opening up to someone meant making yourself vulnerable. It meant becoming attached. And it always meant that there was the possibility of losing someone. Sanzo wasn't sure that he could do it, even if he was willing to try. Because he didn't want to leave himself open to that possibility. He never wanted to be hurt in that way again.

_This sort of thing doesn't bear thinking about, _Sanzo told himself, knowing that his current line of thought would only lead to painful memories that he'd rather suppress. It ruined his mood and made him feel anxious. Suddenly, he decided that he'd had enough of standing around outside. He needed a change of scenery. He needed to leave the area as surely as he needed to leave those thoughts behind in the dust, where they belonged. The only problem was that Sanzo didn't really have anywhere to go. He didn't have the patience to go out into the town and deal with its people, so he opened the door and stepped back inside the inn. The three idiots immediately stared at him.

They were all sitting at the kitchen table, which was fairly close to the door. Cards were in their hands and strewn all over the table, so they were obviously in the middle of a game. Hakkai greeted Sanzo with a smile, his eyes politely closed in order to avoid revealing his inner turmoil. Gojyo gave the monk a dismissive side glance that showed exactly how displeased he was. Goku looked up at him with that stupid, blank expression that he always had. Sanzo could've sworn that the look was permanently frozen on his face. With an annoyed huff, he walked right past them all without saying a word.

Once he was a few feet past them he heard the sound of wooden legs scraping across the floor as one of them pulled out their chair and got up. Sanzo quickened his pace, just in case someone was feeling stupid enough to want to talk to him. He got as far as the hallway leading to their rooms when he heard the soft, well-mannered tone of Hakkai's voice behind him.

"May I speak with you for a moment?"

Sanzo sighed and and frowned in annoyance. He had half a mind to flat-out refuse and simply walk away because he wasn't in the mood. Unfortunately, he realized that if he did, Hakkai would probably take it as something personal, which it wasn't. "Fine." He tried to relax the angry expression he wore into something less intimidating as he turned around to face his annoying companion.

"About what I said last night..."

_Oh no..._ Sanzo thought. _Anything but that!_

"I didn't mean for it to sound as thought I'm trying to convince you of anything," Hakkai explained. "I never intended to pressure you into doing something that you don't want to do. My only purpose in saying those things was to express my own feelings. That is all."

A confused look crossed Sanzo's face, because this wasn't what he'd been expecting at all. "I didn't think that you were trying to pressure me," he blankly replied. It was true, he'd never assumed that. Even though the discussion had been annoying and also very convincing in its own right, Sanzo knew Hakkai better than to assume that he was really trying to force the issue. On the other hand, he was frustrated that Hakkai was saying this now, making it okay for Sanzo to refuse to recognize his feelings right when he'd finally decided that he would have to consider accepting them. _How ironic. _He wanted to complain, but he couldn't do that without admitting that he'd actually thought about giving in.

Hakkai was surprised by Sanzo's reply. He had assumed that Sanzo had felt pressured by what he'd said, even before Goku had said anything about it. But now that he knew that wasn't the case, he couldn't help but wonder, _Why are you still so angry? _He watched curiously as the expression on Sanzo's face went from annoyed to irritated, wishing that he had telepathic powers, because that was probably the only way he'd ever find out what was going on in Sanzo's head. Hakkai was glad that Sanzo didn't feel pressured, but it seemed that he was still troubled in spite of that. Hakkai wanted to ask why, but he was sure that Sanzo wouldn't appreciate the question.

_What am I going to do now? _Sanzo wondered. _Am I still going to... to try doing that? _For a moment it seemed as though he had a way out. As though he wasn't going to be forced into something that he didn't want. Then he realized that what Hakkai had just said didn't change anything. They were still in the same situation, whether he liked it or not. It was normal for Hakkai to be considerate of other people's wishes, but that didn't mean that he wouldn't continue to suffer. In fact, if anything the vast majority of suffering that Hakkai did was usually for someone else. _I really don't want that, either. _

For a few minutes Sanzo considered ordering Hakkai into his room to talk, so that they could finally settle this. But he wasn't ready to do it, not after what Hakkai had just said. The mood was just too awkward. Neither one of them seemed confident enough to break the silence. As much as Sanzo wanted to get the entire fiasco over with, he decided that it could wait until later. He was still uncertain that he was making the right decision, and he believed that it was best to wait until he was sure that what he was doing was right. With that settled, he turned and walked to his room, leaving Hakkai standing behind in the hall.


	18. Chapter 18 Desire

**Desire**

Hakkai walked back into the kitchen and smiled at Gojyo and Goku, who were sitting around the table and waiting. They couldn't finish their game of cards without him. They looked up at him curiously, knowing that he had just been talking to Sanzo and wondering what was going on. "He... wasn't in the mood for a talk," Hakkai explained, pulling out a chair and sitting at his end of the table.

"Fuckin' bastard," Gojyo muttered.

Goku didn't protest to the bad-mouthing of his master for once. He looked sorrowfully down at the cards on the table, wondering why Sanzo was so upset. He didn't understand it.

"Actually, I wasn't in the mood to talk, either," Hakkai added, smiling brightly. Really, it was every bit as much his fault, even if Sanzo had been the one to walk away.

Gojyo looked up at Hakkai with an expression on his face that was begging to be given a more detailed answer. Then they both looked over at Goku, who was using his finger to trace the growth rings on the wooden table.

"You bored, monkey?" Gojyo asked. "Why don't ya go out to the market and get me some beer?"

"Get it yourself," he absently replied, continuing to trace the rings on the table.

"I'll give ya enough extra change to buy yourself a few meat buns while you're there."

"Really?!"

"Just make sure it's not light beer this time, 'cause that stuff tastes like shit," Gojyo got a few bills out of his pocket and held them out.

"Yeah!" Goku agreed, flashing a broad grin before he grabbed the money and rushed out the front door.

Hakkai curiously watched him go and then turned to Gojyo and asked, "Is there something you wanted to discuss?"

"Yeah. What's goin' on ?"

"I think... we're both misunderstanding each other, maybe. Perhaps I've been taking things a bit too personally."

"'Too personally' my ass! This wouldn't be happening if that bald monk weren't so fuckin' full of himself!"

"Gojyo..." Hakkai trailed off. He was going to say, _That was uncalled for. _But he knew that saying something like that would be useless.

"What _happened,_ Hakkai?" Gojyo persisted. "I didn't ask you to tell me about all the faults you're finding with yourself. I want to know what happened last night and what you said to that dick just a minute ago."

Hakkai sighed, and gave as prudent a report as he could muster. "Last night I healed his neck and talked to him about why I thought we would have made a good couple. A few moments ago, I told him that what I said last night wasn't intended to sound like I was demanding anything of him. He stated that he was never under that impression."

"Huh... that's it?"

"Yes."

"So... you actually gave him reasons why you guys would be good together?" Gojyo asked. He wouldn't have expected Hakkai to have done that. "What did he say about that?"

"He was upset, of course."

"Tch... asshole."

Hakkai didn't say anything. He didn't like that Gojyo was angry at Sanzo, but at the same time he was sorely tempted to agree. _If you can't say something nice, then don't say anything at all, _he reminded himself.Hakkai was sure that he really had been taking things too personally, but that didn't change the fact that he still wanted the same thing. Even if Sanzo was only annoyed by Hakkai's attraction to him and not really angry at him as a person, it didn't change the fact that Hakkai still wanted to have a romantic relationship while Sanzo obviously did not.

He knew how Sanzo felt. Hakkai had been the same way for a long time before he'd met Kanan. Back then he had always kept people at arm's length, afraid to get close to anyone, to trust anyone. Because of that he had been sullen and lonely for so many years. It had been hard to accept anyone else into his life, but she had insistently forced her way in, creating feelings in him that he had never even imagined he could possibly have. It had scared him at first, but he'd eventually come to accept it. Their relationship hadn't been perfect. It had been full of awkward moments, misunderstandings, and even occasional arguments. But there had been love, and caring, and comfort, too. Gonou had been happy back then. For the first time in his life, he had been truly happy.

Hakkai wanted Sanzo to feel that happiness. To know that he didn't have to be afraid of letting someone in. Because Hakkai knew what it was like to close himself off to the world, just like Sanzo knew what it was like to lose someone who meant the world to him. _You wanted me to live because you knew that it was better than dying, and I want you to love because I know that it's better than being alone, _Hakkai thought.

Then he realized that he couldn't expect Sanzo to understand how he felt. Sanzo had never gotten to that point. Hakkai wondered if maybe he was asking too much: he didn't want to push things. Maybe Sanzo really didn't want anything like that. Hakkai couldn't be sure whether the man had those kind of feelings for him or not, but he thought that it was highly doubtful that he did. Even if Sanzo did have those kind of feelings it could be that simply wasn't comfortable enough to express them. After all, it had taken Gonou a long time to get used to the idea of sharing something so intimately personal with another person. It would probably take Sanzo a long time, too.

"Hey..." Gojyo said, breaking the dismal silence that had been slowly sneaking up on them. Hakkai was thinking too much, again. Gojyo really hated it when he did that. "What're you gonna do about it?"

"I... I'm not sure," Hakkai replied. He was thinking about it as he spoke, but it wasn't an easy decision to make. It was a strange feeling; usually he was confident enough to make any decision on his own, but anything concerning Sanzo seemed to stump him. He didn't know if there was anything he could do to avoid causing more trouble. "I suppose I should respect his wishes, but... I can't pretend that I don't want something more."

"Yeah..." Gojyo agreed, lighting a cigarette and taking a hit. He stared dejectedly down at the table. "Yeah, I hear ya."

Hakkai watched him curiously. Seeing Gojyo in a pensive mood like this was unusual. It made him wonder whether Gojyo's attraction to Sanzo wasn't more than just a sexual one. Hakkai had never really thought about it before. Although he'd always been aware of Gojyo's attraction to Sanzo, he'd always assumed that it was purely physical. He'd never had any reason to suspect anything else. Gojyo had quite obviously been attracted to Hakkai when they'd first met as well. After Hakkai had moved in Gojyo hadn't spared any details in relating how the priest had snubbed him, insulted him, and led him to believe that Gonou had been dead. Given the circumstances, Hakkai thought that the source of tension between those two was obvious. But now he wondered. "How do you feel about Sanzo?"

"He's an unholy pain in the ass. That's how I feel about him!"

"Gojyo... that's not what I meant."

"Huh?" Gojyo looked up from the table. "What the hell are you talkin' about, Hakkai?"

"I'm talking about whether you actually have _feelings _for him, Gojyo."

"What? You mean like _feelings, _feelings?"

"Yes..." Hakkai answered, belatedly adding, "I think." Because he wasn't entirely certain what was going through Gojyo's head at any given moment.

"Hell if I know," Gojyo answered, looking away and scratching his head. "It's not like the bastard ever gave me a chance to find out."

"I see," Hakkai said. He saw it quite clearly. When Gojyo turned away and scratched his head it was a telltale sign that he was nervous. _You really do care for him, don't you? _Of course, Hakkai wasn't terribly surprised that Gojyo didn't want to admit to it. On the other hand, he felt horrible because he realized that Gojyo had been hurting. All this time the only thing Hakkai had been thinking about was his own feelings, his own unrequited attraction to Sanzo. He realized now that Gojyo had been suffering for much longer than he had. And yet, somehow Gojyo took it all in stride. He tolerated Sanzo's blatant disdain for his advances and always came through it with a smile on his face. _I've been so insensitive. _"I'm sorry."

"What the hell are you apologizing for? It's not your fault that the monk is a dick."

"I've been selfish, complaining about my attraction to Sanzo all this time without even considering your feelings."

Gojyo sighed and hung his head. He hated it when Hakkai got into one of these moods. The last thing he needed was someone feeling sorry for him. "I said forget about it, already. I know how to handle the damned monk!"

"Obviously," Hakkai sarcastically replied.

"Are you mocking me?"

"Ha ha ha ha."

"You prick," Gojyo grunted in annoyance and folded his arms on the table, resting his chin on top of them. He didn't need Hakkai to tell him how to deal with Sanzo. In fact, he honestly resented the cocky, I'm-so-much-smarter-than-you attitude. Especially coming from someone who'd been in denial about his own attraction to the pissy monk for _three fucking years_. Gojyo already knew how to deal with Sanzo. He had his own way of handling it, and it was a damned sight better than anything Hakkai could come up with, or so he thought. What worked for Hakkai wouldn't work for him, anyway. He just wasn't able to get in the shitty priest's good graces that easily. Gojyo didn't like it, but it was true.

He didn't really know what to think of his attraction to Sanzo. He wasn't sure if it was love or lust, or something in between. All he knew was that in spite of his pissy attitude, the damned bastard turned him on. Gojyo could still remember the first time he'd felt that way. Sanzo had said something about survivors being the ones with the strongest will to live, and Gojyo had loved it. In a way, he was even begrudgingly thankful that the monk had snapped him out of his own self-pity. He couldn't think of a thing about Sanzo-- besides his self-righteous attitude-- that didn't turn him on. The gold of his hair, the violet in his eyes: he had such a beautiful face. It was irresistible, the way his robes flowed over his form in a way that only hinted at the supple flesh beneath. His body moved with graceful precision even as it harbored deadly intent. The very thought of it made Gojyo's cock twitch.

_I wanna fuck him sooo hard... _Gojyo thought. He'd fantasized about it more times than he could count, or even remember, for that matter. Hakkai might have caught him once or twice, but he had no idea how often Gojyo really thought about it. How many endless nights he'd spent dreaming about how it would feel to touch each and every part of that sensuous body, over and over again, in every position imaginable. Hakkai would probably be appalled if he knew the extent of it. He was already embarrassed. Gojyo couldn't help it. The problem was that he didn't seem to have a snowball's chance in hell. Everything he'd tried so far had been refused with a cold-blooded enthusiasm that Gojyo found downright sadistic. Not that it would ever stop him from trying, of course.

Realistically, he had always thought that Hakkai had a better chance. Sanzo had taken a liking to him from the very beginning. Sanzo trusted Hakkai. He confided in him, tolerated his bad jokes, and seemed to genuinely enjoy his company once in awhile, even though he always insisted that he didn't enjoy anyone's company. Sanzo never smacked Hakkai over the head with his fan or shot at him with the gun. He seemed perfectly content to sit next to Hakkai in the jeep or at the table, and even to sleep in the same room with him. It was just downright creepy. If Gojyo didn't know any better, he would've guessed that it was Sanzo who was interested in Hakkai and not the other way around. Even if it was just a platonic interest, something was definitely there. Sanzo didn't treat anyone else with that amount of consideration.

Gojyo wondered if he was the only one who noticed it. Goku seemed pretty clueless most of the time, and Hakkai had been too self-effacing to think anything of it before. But Gojyo had watched curiously as the grudge Hakkai had held against the priest three years ago had softened, and then caved in to be replaced by gratitude and guilt. He couldn't help but notice the way Hakkai was always going over to the temple. _"To tutor Goku,"_ he'd said. A clever cover to hide the fact that he was desperately trying to get in Sanzo's good graces, trying to find some way to thank the person who had graciously given him something he'd never even asked for, something he never even felt he deserved. Gojyo knew how it felt. After all, someone had given him something like that once, too.

He had to admit that he felt a bit jealous. Most of the anger he had for the monk was because the bastard kept turning him down. But it seemed like Hakkai could get along with him so easily, simply slipping in with smiles and helpful gestures. Gojyo couldn't do that if he tried. Up until now he'd always wondered if Hakkai wouldn't be more successful, if he couldn't sneak past Sanzo's defenses and make the cold-hearted bastard melt, just a little. In fact, Gojyo had been hoping for that. Wishing against all odds that a partially-melted Sanzo might actually let him in, too. But it seemed like it was all just wishful thinking now, and it disappointed him even more than it should have.

"Have I said something that upset you?"

"Nah, it's not that."

"But it seems that being refused by him is bothering you too, isn't it?" Hakkai asked.

"I don't really care about it that much," Gojyo replied, scratching his head.

"Ah, I see," Hakkai replied.

It seemed clear to both of them that he was the one suffering the most because of it. Gojyo knew that part of the reason was because he'd had a lot more time to get over it already, but he also liked to think that his own feelings weren't quite that serious.

The smile on Hakkai's face bothered him. It was a particularly tormented false smile that made Gojyo burn with anger. Hakkai was hurt and clearly suffering, all because the shitty monk was too busy taking his own damned ego trip to give a care about anyone else. It was one thing for that bastard to turn Gojyo down and make him feel like shit, but it was another thing entirely for him to do that to Hakkai. _I'm not gonna let him get away with it, _Gojyo thought. He wasn't sure what he was going to do, but he'd be damned if he didn't do something. In the end, Gojyo didn't really care what Sanzo thought about him. That asshole could turn him down all he wanted: he didn't care. He could take anything that Sanzo dished out. _But Hakkai... he deserves so much better than that. _

The day dragged on, as it often did. Sanzo stayed locked away in his room again, leaving the other three to do as they pleased. Hakkai spent most of the day cleaning impulsively, in spite of the fact that the place was already spic and span from the last time he'd cleaned it. When Gojyo asked him why he was doing it, the only answer that he got was another fake smile and the usual explanation that Hakkai found it relaxing. Gojyo didn't understand it at all.

Goku came back with the beer. He had made a few friends in the town, some kids around his perceived age group who were apparently all too interested in writing their names on his cast and drawing all over it. The monkey didn't mind the attention at all. Gojyo sat around the house feeling useless. He wasn't even going to allow himself to think about going back to the bar after what had happened the other night. He knew that he would probably end up spending most of the day over there if he did. So he chatted with Hakkai for a bit and helped him clean for a few minutes until he got bored. Then he went outside to terrorize Goku in front of his pint-sized friends.

Lunch came and went again with no sign of Sanzo. Goku tried to get him to come to lunch, but the door was locked and the pissy monk wouldn't open it. He didn't show up until it was dinner time. It was probably because Sanzo was there that the meal passed with an awkward silence, which obviously seemed to piss him off. He stomped outside for a smoke as soon as he'd finished eating.

"I dunno how much more of this I can take," Gojyo complained.

"I'm sure it'll wear off eventually... I think," Hakkai offered with a sense of false pleasantry.

"He won't stay like that," Goku agreed, looking a bit sullen in spite of it. Even he had been picking at his food.

"Whatever," Gojyo said, getting up from the table and heading for the front door. Goku looked up from the table with wide, curious eyes.

"Gojyo...?" Hakkai asked. _What do you think you're doing?_

"I'm going out for a smoke and some clean air." _...and to bitch at the pissy monk._

"Isn't that a contradiction?" _Don't even think about it._

Gojyo just smirked as he vanished through the doorway._ Sorry, Hakkai. _

Sure enough, Sanzo was standing outside, leaning against a wall to the right. Gojyo closed the door softly, so as not to disturb the brooding monk. Then he walked a few steps to the left and leaned against the wall himself, lighting up one of his smokes. He'd expected Sanzo to say something, to gruffly demand to know why he was here or what he wanted, but the monk just stood still and ignored him completely. _This is gonna be fun, _Gojyo thought sarcastically. He waited a few minutes for the nicotine from his first couple of hits to sink into his body before casually saying, "So... what the fuck is your problem? Shit-smelling monk."

"If you had even half a brain, you'd mind your own business."

The tone of his voice was softer than Gojyo had expected it to be. Sanzo sounded almost calm. Even so, the obnoxious statement made Gojyo laugh just a little. "So, you think it's not my place to say anything?"

"Damn right it isn't."

That was exactly the sort of attitude pissed Gojyo off. "Fuck you! I'm a part of this group too, damn it! And Hakkai is..." he stopped for a moment, wondering if he really should go there, or not. "Hakkai is more than just a friend to me! How the hell can you do this to him? Doesn't he mean anything to you? How do you get off doing this to him, you fuckin' bastard?!"

Sanzo smirked. _Right on cue, _he thought. He'd been expecting something like this ever since the issue started. After all, Hakkai was the only reason he and Gojyo tolerated each other's presence in the first place. Hakkai was important to both of them, and any argument over him was sure to see them butting heads.

Gojyo waited for a reply, and then he saw a sardonic smirk play at the edges of Sanzo's mouth. _He's mocking me. _It made his blood boil. He glared at the bastard as he stepped forward, determined to wipe that smug look off his face. "You better get over yourself real quick. Swallow your damn pride and accept what he feels for you! Because if you don't stop this shit, I'm gonna..."

"You're gonna what?" Sanzo demanded, raising his arm.

Gojyo found himself staring down the barrel of the monk's revolver. It was only inches from his face. "Fuck."

"I don't have time for this," Sanzo said. "Besides, aren't you the one who's supposed to be telling me to stay away from Hakkai?"

_I wish I could say that. _Gojyo sighed and hung his head. He backed off a few paces, and Sanzo lowered the gun. He wanted to keep Hakkai away from Sanzo, but he knew that if he tried to keep those two apart it would only make Hakkai angry. When Gojyo thought about it, he didn't necessarily want them to be apart, either. Hakkai had every right to be attracted to Sanzo if he wanted to. The thing that bothered him was the way that Sanzo was reacting to it. Gojyo sighed and leaned back against the wall, puffing on his cigarette for a minute before he said, "I love Hakkai."

Sanzo turned his head. He wasn't surprised that Gojyo felt that way; it wasn't a big revelation. He was surprised that Gojyo was actually saying it out loud, however. He hadn't expected that.

"I really love him," Gojyo repeated, enforcing the statement. "And whatever's going on between the two of you, it's makin' him miserable."

Sanzo exhaled smoke sharply at the sound of those words. He couldn't mock them. Not even if they were coming from the mangy kappa.

"I just want him to be happy, ya know?" Gojyo finished.

"Tch... idiot," Sanzo replied. It was so typical. Not caring about his own feelings at all, as long as Hakkai wasn't hurt. Gojyo was such a sentimental sap. Sanzo thought that his over-protective attitude was annoying. But in this case, he couldn't argue. "I want Hakkai to be happy, too."

Gojyo blinked. _Did he really just say that? Did he actually say that out loud? _It was weird. Sanzo never said anything like that. _Maybe there's some hope after all._

Sanzo stood in his spot and finished his smoke. It was nice now that the kappa was quiet, and he wasn't ready to go back in. All day he'd been thinking about what he was going to do, steeling himself against the inevitable. No matter how positively he tried to think about Hakkai's attraction to him, he didn't feel comfortable with it. Every time that he tried to tell himself that it wouldn't be so bad, he failed miserably. He couldn't even imagine what a relationship would be like without the constant worry of losing everything that he'd ever cared about. His mind always ended up wandering back to the Kinzan temple, to his hands covered in blood, to that moment when he'd lost everything. _But that has nothing to do with Hakkai._

Even so, there were times when he felt that he could never go through that again. He could never allow himself to care for another person that much. Taking these three on such a dangerous journey in the first place was pushing it. Sanzo already felt that he was in too deeply. They had just started, and already he had almost lost both Goku and Hakkai. It had surprised him both times, how far he had been willing to go to save them, even though he'd gotten over it quickly enough afterward. He'd almost died taking that blow for Goku, but interfering like that was not something he had planned. When Chin Yiso showed up he had willingly put his own life on the line, knowing that Hakkai would never betray him.

_I almost lost you that time... _Sanzo thought. He didn't even want to think about what would happen if their lives were threatened that way again. _When did I start to worry about stupid things like that? _he wondered, feeling disgusted with himself. This was exactly the reason he was always trying to convince himself that these guys could handle themselves, and he wouldn't need to protect them. He hated worrying. Yet, at the same time he realized that these worries weren't relevant to his current situation. _I need to focus on the problem at hand, not on all the stupid things that could possibly happen in the future. _

Aside from his own insecurities, Sanzo realized that he didn't have any particular objection to being with Hakkai. In fact, when he thought about it, he realized that he actually found Hakkai quite attractive. He was pretty good-looking, in spite of his own modesty. After meeting him, Sanzo had understood why the only information he could get on Cho Gonou was a physical description. His expressive green eyes were startling, and probably the first thing anyone noticed about him. Then there was his smile.

Sanzo wasn't sure if Gonou had smiled very much, but he'd come to like the way Hakkai smiled, even though he'd hated it at first. He didn't see the point in smiling as a courtesy to others, but at least it was better than not smiling at all.Over the years, those smiles had seemed to slowly become more genuine. They had all been utterly fake back when he'd first saved Hakkai's life. Hakkai hadn't genuinely wanted to live back then, but it seemed like he did now, sometimes.

As strange as it sounded, Sanzo really liked it much more when Hakkai didn't smile. He liked it when he was honest and serious, sensible instead of artificially elated. He liked the curve of Hakkai's bottom lip when something unexpected happened, and he opened his mouth ever so slightly in surprise. _Is that why I've been looking at his lips... and thinking about them so much, lately? _Sanzo wondered. _Do I want to touch them? _The question annoyed him to no end.

He'd never thought about their relationship in that sense before. The thought hadn't entered his mind, because he'd never thought of being physically intimate with anyone. But he had to admit to himself that if he was forced to be that way with someone, he would rather it be Hakkai than anyone else. No one else would understand him. They would clumsily invade his personal space in a way that he found disturbing and make demands that he was certain would make him uncomfortable. But Hakkai was patient and considerate. Hakkai never pushed him or made demands... at least, not without reason.

Hakkai was also the only one Sanzo could trust not to exploit or ridicule his inexperience. The kappa was always making virgin comments behind his back. Or worse, calling him names like "cherry-chan" to his face. Sanzo hated that. The situation was embarrassing enough without anyone else pointing it out. He wouldn't even tolerate that kind of treatment from an acquaintance, let alone a lover. That was just one of many reasons why he was reluctant to even explore the concept mentally, let alone do anything physically. But he wouldn't have to worry about that with Hakkai, because even though Hakkai was well aware of Sanzo's inexperience, he would never exploit it.

_It's decided then. _Sanzo dropped the butt of his cigarette and ground it into the patio floor with his foot, then he straightened up from where he'd been leaning against the wall and walked toward the door.

Gojyo looked over at him curiously and asked, "Ya goin' in?"

"Hmpf," was Sanzo's only reply. He wouldn't answer such a stupid and obvious question. He simply opened the door and walked inside, knowing that Gojyo was following close behind him. _Idiot... he's probably only there for the view. _Sanzo didn't care. That perverted bastard could stare at his ass all he wanted; it wasn't going to change anything. Hakkai and Goku looked up from the table as he entered the room. He met their gazes for a minute and then looked away, walking past the table and toward the hallway that led to their rooms. Gojyo stopped by the table, and once Sanzo had a good distance between himself and the kappa, he stood still, looking over his shoulder at the group. "Hakkai?"

"Yes?"

"I need to talk to you for a minute."

"Yes," Hakkai agreed, getting up from the table. Sanzo waited for him for a moment, and then they both walked down the hallway to his room. Sanzo opened the door and walked in, leaving it hanging open behind him. Hakkai closed it as he entered the room. Sanzo sat down on his bed and lit a cigarette beside an open window. Hakkai sat in a chair across the room. He couldn't help but wonder what had gone on outside the inn just a moment ago. Sanzo and Gojyo had clearly been arguing, but the yelling had been quickly replaced with quiet talking, and then silence. It was odd for those two. Usually they wouldn't stop fighting until something happened to break them up.

Hakkai couldn't help but wonder what the two had said to each other. He knew that there was tension between them, and considering Gojyo's attitude, he'd fully expected some kind of fight. But when they had walked back in they'd both seemed calm and collected. It was strange to the point that Hakkai was actually worried that something terrible had happened. "If Gojyo said anything inappropriate outside the inn, then I'd like to apologize on his behalf."

"It wasn't anything like that."

"Oh?"

"He was just being an idiot."

"Ah." Hakkai waited for Sanzo to say something and watched as he quietly gazed out the window, exhaling his smoke out into the clean air. It wasn't like him to stall. "Is it Gojyo, then?"

"What're you talking about?" Sanzo asked, annoyed that Hakkai wasn't making any sense.

"The reason you won't..." he trailed off, trying to find the right word. "...consider me? Is it because of my relationship with Gojyo?"

"Tch..." he trailed off. _Of course not._ "...like I need a reason to refuse something like that."

"I see." Hakkai hadn't really thought it was anything like that. But considering the situation, he had decided to ask. He knew that Sanzo didn't need a reason to refuse him.

_There's that self-effacing tone again, _Sanzo thought. "I already told you, it's nothing personal. I don't care what you do with that perverted kappa. Anything that you do on your own time is none of my business." This conversation was going in the wrong direction, and he didn't like it. He took another hit from his cigarette while considering how he was going to turn it around.

Hakkai sat in his spot, feeling foolish again. He always ended up asking Sanzo the wrong questions, assuming things about him that weren't necessarily true. _Maybe I don't know him as well as I think I do. Maybe I really don't deserve him._

"I have a question," Sanzo stated.

"Ah, what is it?" Hakkai asked, hoping that it wasn't something incriminating.

"If you could do anything that you wanted, without any repercussions..." he trailed off, unable to finish the sentence. He didn't find it necessary to be specific.

"You mean, if I could do anything with you... without consequences?"

"Yeah."

_That's not a fair question, _Hakkai thought. He didn't know how to answer it, but he knew that Sanzo wouldn't allow him to dodge the issue. Still, he lacked the context for the question. "Do you mean right now, or some time in the future?"

That was a question Sanzo hadn't considered. "Start with right now, and then continue from that point."

Hakkai could feel a lump rising in the back of his throat. "I suppose, hypothetically..." The pressure was staggering, but he knew that he had to say something. Quickly, before Sanzo lost his patience. "If I could do anything I wanted without causing you any discomfort, then... I suppose, I would kiss you."

Sanzo waited for something more. A continuation of that answer, or perhaps a more uncomfortable demand. Nothing came. "Is that all?"

"I never really thought beyond that point," Hakkai replied, laughing in embarrassment. "Ah ha ha."

_Of course,_ Sanzo thought, _he was already expecting me to reject him. _"If the situation were to continue under these conditions, then... you would eventually want more?"

_Sanzo is... asking me if I want to have sex with him! _Hakkai's eyes widened and his throat tightened until he felt like he was going to choke. "I suppose if..." His stomach felt like it was tied in knots. He was so nervous that he could barely figure out what to say. "...perhaps eventually I..." He didn't want to admit it, but he knew he couldn't lie. So, in a very quiet tone that could barely be heard he said, "Yes."

_I see, _Sanzo thought. It was more or less what he'd expected. In spite of having little experience with relationships like that, he knew what having an attraction to someone meant. But Hakkai wasn't asking for it all to happen at once. The only thing he immediately desired was a kiss. _If that's the case, then... I can handle something like that, right? _He really wasn't sure at all, but he had promised himself that he wasn't going to be afraid of something so stupid. So he sighed and put his cigarette out. "Tch... fine."

Hakkai blinked. _Is he really saying what I think he's saying? _He was afraid that he was becoming delusional, or that it was all just a dream. Maybe the stress was causing him to hallucinate.

"Do what you want."

Hakkai opened his mouth to say something, but the words died in his throat. He stood up out of his chair and then finally found his voice, "But, Sanzo... I--" _I can't just do anything that I want! I don't want it unless you want it, too. _Words seemed to be failing him once again, so he took a moment to think about what he was going to say."I can't, not without your consent."

_Idiot..._ Sanzo thought, _what do you think I'm trying to say? _"Then let me re-phrase it: You have my permission."

Hakkai froze in place. He couldn't believe that Sanzo was actually saying these things. A million questions flew through his mind as he wondered how this could possibly be happening.

"Since it was your idea..." Sanzo continued. "I expect you to make the first move."

_Oh. No pressure, then, _Hakkai thought, as he laughed in complete embarrassment and walked over to Sanzo's bed. _And why, of all places, does he have to be sitting on his bed? _Sanzo was still glancing out the window, and Hakkai knew that he was doing it to avoid meeting his gaze. It made him feel conflicted, because Sanzo obviously wasn't completely comfortable with the situation. But he'd given his permission, hadn't he? Hakkai wasn't going to back down now that he finally had it. He knelt down on the mattress next to Sanzo, looking into his eyes as he edged in closer. Sanzo didn't turn toward him, but neither did he turn away. He held perfectly still as the gap between them closed and their lips gently brushed against each other.

For Hakkai, that moment was mesmerizing. After waiting, and hoping, and being in denial for so long, the brief touch of those soft lips was the fulfillment of the most desperate desires of his heart. The guilt and anguish he'd lived with for the last few days vanished as consuming heat spread like fire through his chest. _In spite of everything, Sanzo is a very kind person, _he thought. _To try something he doesn't even want, something he probably fears, simply because I wanted it. _He had seen that kindness even when everyone else refused to acknowledge it was there. He had always hoped and believed that someday it would be recognized. _In the end, I didn't even have to ask. You saw that I was hurting, and you offered yourself to me. _It was a selfless sacrifice in his opinion, no matter what Sanzo said of himself. _I will treasure this moment forever._

As for Sanzo, every nerve in his body screamed in alarm. His eyes widened in surprise and he could feel the hair on the back of his neck standing on end. It took every ounce of his considerable self-control to keep his body in place so that he didn't pull away from the kiss, to keep his arms down at his sides so that they didn't reflexively shoot up and smack Hakkai right in the face. Then his eyes closed and his throat clenched shut, trapping the breath in his lungs. His heart was pounding in his chest, violently pumping blood through his veins, laced with a shock of adrenaline that made him want to jump out of his own skin. The moment seemed like an eternity until those lips finally lifted from his.

Being the considerate person that he was, Hakkai kept the kiss brief. Even though he felt as though he could linger on the edge of those lips for hours, he had only given them the slightest touch. Hakkai could never bring himself to hurt Sanzo, if there was any way he could help it. He knew that his own view of others was limited, and that there were times when he made stupid decisions and rash mistakes, but he could be careful and precise when he needed to be. He pulled back and opened his eyes, glancing longingly at Sanzo's face. Hakkai had never really noticed before how pretty Sanzo's eyelashes were when his eyes were closed. He only had a moment to admire them before Sanzo's eyes opened. The first thing he noticed was the unmistakable expression of fear.

Hakkai knew that look intimately. It was the look of someone who had lost everything they'd ever cared for, and was afraid of losing it all over again. He could never forget how it felt, to lose someone who meant the world. He cursed himself for putting that look onto someone else's face. "I'm sorry..." he said, backing away cautiously. _Maybe I have this all wrong, maybe I shouldn't have... _The thoughts in his head were confused. Being confronted with that look, the only coherent response that he had was to run away. He pushed himself up from the bed and onto his feet. The look was frozen on Sanzo's face, it seemed that he was too shocked to react. "I'm so sorry."

Guilt kicked in swiftly, and Hakkai wondered if somehow every one of his previous perceptions hadn't been mistaken. Whatever Sanzo's reasons had been for allowing him to do this, they couldn't have been what Hakkai had thought they were. _That look makes it obvious... you didn't want this. _In spite of his best intentions, Hakkai had ended up hurting Sanzo anyway. He wondered how he could have possibly gotten it wrong again, and why Sanzo would have ever allowed this in the first place. _I can't forgive myself. _"I'll never touch you again." Then he stumbled across the room and out the door.

Sanzo had wanted to say something from the moment he'd seen that look in Hakkai's eyes. There had been such a warm, loving expression at first, but Sanzo had only seen it for an instant before it was replaced with pain. He watched silently as Hakkai recoiled, wanting to tell him to stop. The words never made it from his brain down into his mouth. _Hey... don't leave! Don't be stupid! Hakkai...! _But by the time he finally found his voice, it was too late. Hakkai had already stumbled out of the room.

"FUCK!!" Sanzo yelled, slamming his fist into the mattress. _How could I ruin something that was supposed to be so simple? _"Damn it!" His other hand came up to cover his face in shame. _I should've known. I should've held back more. I should've just... kept my eyes shut. If only my eyes had stayed closed, none of this would've happened. _"...stupid! So fucking stupid!"


	19. Chapter 19 Fucked

**Fucked**

Hakkai had only just left Sanzo's room when he was immediately confronted with Gojyo. It seemed that he had been standing in the hall, just waiting for someone to show up. Hakkai wasn't quite sure how to handle the situation. He had just kissed Sanzo, causing him all sorts of anxiety and discomfort which was undoubtedly associated with painful memories. Even though Sanzo had allowed him to do it, he still felt guilty. Hakkai didn't want to face Gojyo with those emotions.

"Hey Hakkai, the monkey just went to bed so I thought I'd stay here an'-- is somethin' wrong?"

"Ah, it's nothing."

Gojyo gave him an incredulous glance, and then they were both startled by the sound of Sanzo's cursing. He was so loud that the door couldn't contain the noise.

"Whoa..." Gojyo said. _Sounds like Hakkai did something to piss him off. _

"...if you'll excuse me," Hakkai said, sneaking off to his room. Gojyo grabbed ahold of his wrist and held him back.

"Huh-uh. You're not gettin' away that easy."

Hakkai sighed. He should have known. "Gojyo... if we absolutely must discuss this, it would be better to do so in the privacy of our own rooms."

"Yeah, sure..." Gojyo agreed easily enough. After all, he didn't really care where they talked about it, as long as he learned what was going on. He let go of Hakkai's wrist and followed him into the room. They sat down in the room's rigid wooden chairs and slouched into more comfortable positions. Hakkai leaned over with his hands clasped between his knees and Gojyo put one elbow up on the desk and rested his chin on his palm. He was about to ask what the hell was going on, but Hakkai spoke up first.

"I think... I may have hurt him."

"You didn't actually try to-- spread his legs, did ya?"

"_Gojyo!_" Hakkai protested. _I would never do something like that!_

"Okay, okay..." he replied, trying to be casual and get Hakkai to relax a bit. "But if you weren't trying to fuck 'im, then what the hell're you talkin' about?"

"I was talking about _emotional_ pain, Gojyo."

"Eh?"

"I kissed him."

"Wha--?" Gojyo couldn't believe it. "Wait, you mean... he actually let you?! He didn't try to hit you, or shoot at you or something?"

"No, he didn't do any of those things. He just-- let me kiss him."

"But _why_?"

"I wish I knew."

"How'd it happen? I mean, did you just walk up to him and do it?"

"No, actually... he told me to do it."

Gojyo was shocked; he didn't understand how something like that could have happened.

After seeing the startled look on Gojyo's face, Hakkai continued. "He said that if I wanted something like that, then I should do it."

_That sounds like something Sanzo would say... _Gojyo thought. _But not about kissing! _"That's just fuckin' weird."

_I don't know what I'm going to do now, _Hakkai worried. _Any chance I ever had with him is probably gone. _"I guess it's over..." …_before it even started._

"Did he say that?"

"Well, no... he didn't say anything," Hakkai admitted. _He was so startled and afraid. I don't think he could have said anything even if he had wanted to. _

"Then it's probably a good idea not to assume anything, right?" Gojyo asked with a friendly smirk.

"Ah, I suppose not," Hakkai smiled gladly in spite of himself. He stood up and walked around the back of Gojyo's chair. Crimson eyes followed him until they were staring face-to-face. Hakkai smiled at Gojyo's confused expression and gave him a quick kiss. "Well, at least I am content in knowing that you're not the problem."

"Huh, me?"

"For a little while I was afraid it was because of us that he wasn't... but it turns out that's not the case."

"How do you know?"

"I asked him."

Gojyo wasn't quite as ready to take Sanzo's word on it. "And you believed him?"

"I didn't see any reason not to," Hakkai explained, wondering why Gojyo was so skeptical. It seemed like there was something he wasn't saying. "Gojyo?"

"He rubbed it in my face a few times... back when you were passed out."

"Ah," was all Hakkai could think to say. He was disappointed, but that sort of behavior was pretty normal for Sanzo. "Has he said anything since then?"

"Hm..." Gojyo had to think about that for a minute. "Not really." He watched as Hakkai pulled away and stared thoughtfully up at the ceiling. _There's no need to take it so seriously... _Gojyo thought. He didn't want Hakkai worrying. "Maybe it's just because he's jealous?"

"I seriously doubt that's the case," Hakkai replied, with his how-can-you-be-so-stupid smile.

"Why not?" Gojyo asked. He got up out of his chair and closed the distance between them, sliding one arm behind Hakkai's back and pulling him in. He wanted to distract Hakkai, wanted to get him thinking about anything, as long as it wasn't Sanzo. "You're pretty damn hot, ya know?"

"Somehow, I think... that term is much more applicable to you," Hakkai replied, kissing him softly. Gojyo opened his mouth and deepened the kiss, drawing him in. Hakkai kissed back, passionately lingering in the comforting heat for a while before a question formed in his mind and he had to pull away. "You're not going to say anything?"

Gojyo shrugged and replied, "When you're right, you're right."

Hakkai laughed and kissed him again, because he knew what Gojyo was doing, and loved him for it. Hakkai couldn't help but feel thankful for these light-hearted teasing moments. No matter how stressful or dangerous things got, Gojyo was always there. Hakkai felt that he could never fully express his gratitude for that... at least, not in words. Without breaking the kiss he guided Gojyo across the room, pushing him softly down onto the bed. He positioned himself on top, grinding into Gojyo's hips. They were both hardening in arousal and Gojyo groaned into his mouth, making wanton pelvic thrusts against him. They started panting heavily, and stopped kissing for a moment to catch their breath.

Then Gojyo got an idea. There was something that he'd been wanting to try for quite a while, but because of the situation he hadn't remembered to bring it up. He decided that now was the perfect time. They needed a distraction, and this would make a damned good one. Hakkai was moving closer, ready to start kissing again. Even though Gojyo didn't want it to stop, he felt like he had to interrupt. "Hey, Hakkai..."

"Yes?"

"Would ya do me a favor?"

"What is it?"

"Curse for me."

"You... want me to use swear words?"

"Yeah. Like you did when you got rid of that Chin Yiso guy. That was fuckin' hot."

"I was angry that time."

"I know you were," Gojyo said, leaning close to whisper in Hakkai's ear. "I liked it." Then he flicked his tongue into Hakkai's ear canal and back out again. "Do it again for me, okay?"

"Ah... I suppose I could try," Hakkai replied. He wasn't quite sure how he was going to phrase whatever curse words he was using. _What context does he want them in? _Since Gojyo had mentioned the fight with Chin Yiso, he decided to take the request literally. Hakkai's mouth moved over Gojyo's neck, kissing and sucking at his salty, well-tanned skin. A deep groan rose from somewhere in Gojyo's throat and Hakkai moved up to whisper in his ear. "Do you like that, you fucking bastard?"

"Er... not like that, 'Kai."

"...Did I do it wrong?"

"You gotta talk dirty to me. Say something like, um... I'm gonna fuck you real hard. ...yeah. Say it just like that."

"I'm going to fuck you really hard," Hakkai repeated, feeling both confused and embarrassed at the same time.

"That's good..." Gojyo encouraged, "but you gotta sound like you mean it, okay?"

"Ah," Hakkai felt rather awkward and inept. He rarely used such words in any case, and certainly not in a situation like this. It was offensive, and he felt uncomfortable trying to say them. "Gojyo, I'm not sure that I can...."

"Sure ya can," Gojyo interrupted, sliding his arms along his lover's sides while his mouth nipped at the edge of his jaw. "You just gotta find the right words, that's all. Once you get the hang of it, it's easy."

"If you say so."

"Just, you know.... Name a body part or two, tell me all the sexy things you're gonna do with 'em, and make it sound _forceful_."

"I'll try," Hakkai agreed. He smiled nervously and then cuddled the side of Gojyo's face, seeking its comforting warmth. His lips traveled up to Gojyo's mouth and they kissed passionately while he stroked down Gojyo's chest, to his waist. The buckle of Gojyo's belt came off quickly enough, and Hakkai had no trouble unbuttoning and unzipping the pants. He had become so familiar with them that he could probably undo them in his sleep. Then Hakkai pushed Gojyo's shirt up his chest, brushing against his washboard abs and the firm mounds of muscle that made up his chest. "I'm going to tease your nipples and play with your cock," he said, in the most threatening tone he could muster.

The tone in Hakkai's voice sounded firm and resolute in Gojyo's ears, so hot that he almost shivered in delight. "Aw, _yeaah_ 'Kai. Do it just like that!" he said. Hakkai's nimble fingers got to his left nipple first, rubbing it and flicking it and pinching it under his thumb. It made Gojyo so hard that he gasped and groaned, shifting desperately in an attempt to feel some kind of friction over his aching erection. "Aw, fuck..." Luckily Hakkai's other hand was already migrating back down his body, snaking underneath his clothing to wrap itself around Gojyo's cock. It was so warm and tight, he couldn't help but thrust into that hand. "Oh yeah, 'Kai... keep goin'!"

Hakkai smiled somewhere to the side, where Gojyo couldn't see. Then he did as requested, increasing the speed of his strokes and sliding down to suck on one of Gojyo's nipples. He was rewarded with a boisterous, "Aw fuck, 'Kai!"

Then Hakkai felt Gojyo's body trembling underneath him, moaning desperately as his hips canted up and his thighs quivered in ecstasy. Hakkai licked ceaselessly at the nipple in his mouth, which was already sopping with saliva. He stroked and squeezed Gojyo's thrusting cock, milking several drops of precome from the slit in the tip. His thumb brushed over them and spread the fluid all over the head, stopping at the area just underneath the cap and rubbing firmly into the soft, sensitive flesh.

"...shit! Oh, shit!" Gojyo cursed. What Hakkai was doing made him so hot, it was as though he could feel the heat surging through his body and coiling together right at that spot, just underneath the head of his cock. His hips bucked uncontrollably, trying to force Hakkai's hand farther down the shaft, but it wouldn't budge. "FUCK!! 'Kai-- fuck me! Please!"

Hakkai slid his fingers down the shaft and gripped the base of Gojyo's cock, squeezing forcefully, as though he were afraid it was going to erupt if he didn't. His mouth let go of the nipple he'd been sucking and he scooted up until his mouth was next to Gojyo's ear. "I'm going to finger your ass, now."

There was that vulgar, provocative cursing again. "Aw _fuck, _'Kai!" was all Gojyo could manage to say as his body arched backwards into the bed. Just thinking about what Hakkai was going to do made him moan and quiver in anticipation. He felt Hakkai's hand loosen its grip on his cock and pull his pants down his legs and off his body. A knee wedged between his thighs and then two hands lifted his legs into the air as they spread him apart. Then he heard a quiet click as a bottle of lube was opened. Hakkai must have squeezed the stuff out silently, because the next thing he felt was cool liquid being spread over his quivering hole.

"Guh!" was the most coherent reply he could muster as the tip of a finger rubbed the lube around, working the fluid into every little crack and crevice. It was such a tease, the way it hovered around the rim, brushing over the entrance without ever actually penetrating. Gojyo would've impaled himself on the digit if he'd been in a position to do so, but as it was, all he could do was wiggle, moan, and beg, "Please, 'Kai. Fuck! Shove it in, would ya?"

"If you insist," Hakkai politely replied, suddenly shoving his finger knuckle-deep into Gojyo's ass.

"Ohshityes!" Gojyo cried, clenching that hot little digit with his inner muscles while his legs shook in the air. His cock jumped at the feel of that finger plunging into his hole, teasing his prostate. It wiggled around in there for a while and he moaned helplessly, trying to gain control of himself in spite of the overwhelming pleasure that wracked his body. "Hakkai... fuck! Hakkai, please... just-- fuck me with that thing, will ya?"

"Like this?" Hakkai asked, drawing his finger out until it was just barely touching the rim and then thrusting it back in again.

"Awfuckyeah 'Kai!" Gojyo yelled. He laid there grunting and groaning as that finger thrust in and out of his body, brushing against his prostate with every upward stroke. "Shitthatfeelsgood! Oh, fuck that feels good!"

Hakkai felt much more confident as he watched Gojyo writhe and groan, helplessly awaiting his every touch. It was thrilling. _I think... I'm starting to get the hang of this. _"Do you like it when my finger is _fucking you_, Gojyo?"

"OhGODYESHakkai!" Gojyo breathlessly replied. "Gimme another one!"

Hakkai answered by shoving another finger in, burying both down to his knuckles before he started thrusting them in and out of that warm, clenching hole.

Gojyo gasped and cursed, and squeezing his muscles down on Hakkai's fingers while wiggling his ass around in an effort to get them in just a little deeper. Then he cried out as those fingers curved upwards into his prostate, nailing that sensitive spot inside of his body so hard that he couldn't hold back any more. For a brief moment he felt like his balls were going to explode before the fluid rushed up his cock and squirted out all over his abs. "Aw, fuck... aw, fuck 'Kai. I didn't mean ta-- shit!"

"It's all right," Hakkai replied, cordially as ever. "We can still keep going, if that's okay?"

"Fuck yeah!" Gojyo agreed. "Want your cock."

Hakkai couldn't help but grin at the blunt declaration as he started untying his sash. It was so very like Gojyo to say something like that. Hakkai had felt that those shameless declarations were crude and offensive when they had first met, but after awhile he'd come to realize that it was just Gojyo's own unique way of honestly expressing his desires. Instead of making Hakkai uncomfortable, it warmed his blood to hear Gojyo's lust for him so blatantly displayed. After hastily removing every last bit of his clothing he crawled up on top of Gojyo and positioned himself between his already spread legs, teasing the opening with the tip of his cock.

"Fuck, 'Kai!" Gojyo protested. Hakkai was always such a tease, taunting his body with those talented fingers until he whimpered and begged for more. "Just... stick it in!"

There was a moment's hesitation as Hakkai considered what he was about to do. He could feel the soft flesh around the tip of his cock tighten as Gojyo's muscles tensed, and even though his lover was well-lubed Hakkai hadn't gotten the chance to lube himself yet. If he thrust in now it might hurt a little, but it wouldn't cause any real damage. On the other hand, Gojyo sounded like he really wanted it, and he usually did like it rough. Knowing that he'd made the right decision, Hakkai suddenly thrust deep into Gojyo's body. The warm passageway was thick with the lingering tension of his lover's last orgasm, and Hakkai remembered why he loved taking Gojyo right after he'd just come.

"Oh FUCK!!" Gojyo cried, throwing his head back into the sheets and losing himself in the feel of Hakkai's big, thick cock penetrating his body. Adrenaline flowed through his veins, heightening his senses and making each sensation twice as intense as it would have been before.

Hakkai pulled out and continued to thrust mercilessly into Gojyo's body, moaning softly as the encircling heat clenched and quivered around him. The air was thick with the sticky sweat and warmth coming off their bodies. Gojyo's cries of passion pierced the air. Hakkai loved the way his hair flowed over the sheets like a dozen rivulets of blood while his face twisted in erotic agony. His cheeks were flushed and the tone of his voice was hot and desperate. Hakkai kept pounding into his body, aroused by the pleasure that he he was causing.

Then he remembered that he was supposed to be cursing. "I'm... fucking you, Gojyo." It was supposed to come out more loudly, but he was breathless with exertion. Hakkai gathered his breath in between thrusts and tried again. "Gojyo... I'm- FUCKING YOU!!"

"Hot DAMN, Hak-kai!" Gojyo replied, his voice shaking as his body rocked back and forth on the bed. He couldn't decide what was hotter, the way Hakkai was fucking him, or the way he was screaming obscenities about it. The next thrust shoved him into the mattress so hard that he slid across the sheets and the back of his head squashed a pillow into the headboard. "Shit!"

"Do you- like it when I'm fucking you, Gojyo?!" Hakkai continued, abusing his lover's body with his cock, as well as his words.

"Y-YES!!" Gojyo cried, gasping for air as that thrusting cock stabbed deep into his body and then pulled back out to do it again. He was so hard, and that cock felt so good inside his body. His legs spread wider automatically, his knees hooking around the back of Hakkai's ass in an effort to push him even further in. "Aw, fuck me in the ASS, Hakkai!"

"I'm- fucking you... _in the ass, _Gojyo!" Hakkai replied. The cursing was starting to get a little ridiculous at this point, but he didn't care. Gojyo's body was hot and tight around his cock and he was so breathless from exertion that he couldn't yell any more. He leaned down, giving his arms a bit of a rest as his hips continued to thrust. The scent of sex lingered against Gojyo's skin and his tongue ventured out to lick it up, then he started sucking along the smooth surface of his neck.

"Damn, 'Kai..." Gojyo breathed. "Fuck. I'm gonna...."

_No, you're not, _Hakkai thought as he quickly propped himself up and reached down between Gojyo's legs to clamp the base of his cock. "Not yet," he politely commanded. He could feel the muscles inside Gojyo's body clenching and trembling. The cock in his hand stiffened, but didn't spill its seed. "Kindly wait until I'm done, please."

"You... bastard!" Gojyo huffed, even though he knew Hakkai would let him come eventually. _I wanna do it now, damn it! _But the grip at the base of his cock didn't lessen, and Hakkai's kept moving inside his body. It felt like he was split wide open and the swollen head of that cock was pounding right into his prostate. He moaned and struggled, screaming because the tension was wound up inside him so tight he was going to burst. Then the hand finally let go of his cock and it exploded all over his belly. "Oh shit..." he moaned, gasping for air as the length inside of his body spasmed and released its load.

"Oh, fuck!" Gojyo's eyes snapped shut as their bodies pulsed in an erotic dance. He was so light-headed that he felt like he was going to pass out. "Damn... that was good, 'Kai." There was a soft moan somewhere above him, and then a warm, heaving body collapsed onto his chest. "We've gotta do that again sometime... sometime soon. Hell, we should do that all the time." He paused for a moment, but there wasn't any answer. "Hakkai?"

"Y-yes... Gojyo."

The tone in the voice that replied was completely exhausted. Gojyo wrapped an arm around Hakkai's back and sighed while his lover's breath rushed over his neck in hard, desperate gasps. _Guess you're gonna be sleeping with me tonight._


	20. Chapter 20 Give In

**Give In**

Sanzo sighed, shaking his head at his own stupidity. He couldn't even explain to himself why he had let Hakkai kiss him. It had been a stupid idea to begin with. _What the hell was I thinking?_ _I should've known he would react like that. _But it was too late to do anything about it, too late to take everything back. _What the fuck is wrong with me? _Then Sanzo realized that he was ashamed of himself. After all, it was his reaction that had been the problem. He had bitten off more than he could chew somehow, and his insecurity had ruined the whole thing. _Am I... scared? _

That was a ridiculous assumption. It wasn't as though a kiss from Hakkai would threaten his life or anything. _There's no way I would be afraid of something so stupid. _He was uncertain, he would admit that much. The prospect of making himself that vulnerable to another person was something that he had a very difficult time accepting. But at the same time, he was beginning to realize that getting emotionally attached to others could be unavoidable at times. He didn't like it, but fighting it didn't seem to be doing him any good. _My behavior up until this point has been impulsive... and detrimental to the situation_.

He looked over at the door, remembering how Hakkai had left in a panic. _I should have said something. Fuck... I should have said anything, at that point. Anything would have been better than saying nothing. _Sanzo was at a loss for how to remedy the situation. He really wanted to just let it go, to bury his head in a pillow, and sleep on the whole thing. Maybe his thoughts would make more sense in the morning. If he just had a little more time, maybe he wouldn't feel so pathetic. But then he realized that delaying it was just another way of hiding from it, and he was sick of sitting around and waiting. It was time to do something. _But, what am I going to do?_

The only thing that Sanzo could think of was to go and talk to Hakkai. He didn't like whatever had just passed between them. There had clearly been some sort of misunderstanding, and he felt that the best course of action would be to correct it as soon as possible. After taking a minute or two to calm himself down, Sanzo got up from the bed and walked out the door. It was silent in the hallway, but only for the first few seconds. He had only gotten half-way to Hakkai's room when he heard the sound of Gojyo's voice, so loud that the words were clearly discernible even through the door.

"Aw, _yeaah_ 'Kai. Do it just like that!"

"Fuckin' morons," Sanzo grumbled to himself. _Guess Hakkai's not in his room. Do they ever stop fucking? _It wasn't as though he'd expected them not to or anything, but they sure as hell were noisy lately. Not to mention the fact that they had terrible timing. _So much for talking with Hakkai, _Sanzo thought, before Gojyo's voice moaned through the door again."Idiots." Sanzo sighed, shook his head, and walked back into his bedroom, making sure that the door was shut tightly behind him. _Right when I finally get up the nerve to say something, they have to be fucking each other. _

He swore that he would get revenge. Whether it took weeks, months, or years; someday he would be the one groaning in the room with Hakkai and Gojyo would be stuck out in the hallway listening. The thought put a self-assured smirk on Sanzo's face as he crawled into bed and drifted off to sleep. Unfortunately, he'd only been out for a few minutes when Gojyo's boisterous yelling erupted in his ears.

"FUCK!! 'Kai-- fuck me!! Please!"

_Fuckin' morons! _Sanzo rolled over in his bed and covered his head with a pillow. _Shut the fuck up, already! _It was quiet for a while after that, and he'd just drifted back to sleep when it happened again.

"Ohshityes!"

Sanzo jumped in his sleep. The sound was so abrupt that it immediately startled him awake. "I swear, if they don't shut up, I'll--"

"Hakkai... fuck! Hakkai, please..."

"Damn it, will you just fuck the bastard already?!" Sanzo yelled. He didn't care if the others heard him. In fact, he hoped that they had, because he really didn't want to get out of bed. Then again, considering the amount of noise coming from that room, it was pretty unlikely that they had heard anything except each other.

"Awfuckyeah 'Kai! ...Shitthatfeelsgood! Oh, FUCK that feels good!"

"Damn-- SHUT UP!!" Sanzo yelled, burying his head underneath the pillows again. _I don't wanna hear it... damn it. I don't wanna hear them fucking! _He didn't understand why the perverted kappa had to be so loud, either. It was just so annoying. There was no reason to make that much noise. _What the fuck is Hakkai doing to him, anyway? It sounds like he's torturing someone in there!_

"OhGODYESHakkai!"

_Okay, maybe 'torture' was the wrong word... _Sanzo scowled and sat up in bed. There was no way in hell he was going to be able to sleep now. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill 'em," he muttered to himself, pulling a smoke out of his pack and lighting up. _Tomorrow morning, they're both dead. _The sounds died down for a minute or two. He could still hear Gojyo shouting, but at least it wasn't at the top of his lungs. _Since when did the perverted kappa take the bottom, anyway? Isn't he always bragging about being on top? _Then things got really quiet for a minute. Sanzo hoped that they were done, but knowing those two, he wouldn't bet on it.

"Oh FUCK!!"

_There they go again... damn it. _Sanzo wondered if this was what watching porn was like... on an old TV set that had no clear picture. He was shocked and horrified when the next voice that came screaming out of that room was Hakkai's.

"Gojyo... I'm- FUCKING YOU!!"

_What the fuck, Hakkai?_

"Hot DAMN, Hak-kai! ...SHIT!!"

"Do you- like it when I'm fucking you, Gojyo?!"

"Y-YES!!"

"That does it!" Sanzo yelled, bursting from underneath his sheets and stomping over to the exit. He slammed the door to his room behind him and walked right up to Gojyo's, fully intending to break it down and shoot both of the idiots. But just short of the door--

"Aw, fuck me in the ASS, Hakkai!"

Sanzo just stood there, frozen in embarrassment. _Too much information, perverted kappa! _

"I'm- fucking you... _in the ass, _Gojyo!"

_Not you too, Hakkai! _Sanzo thought, burying his face in his palm. _What the fuck are you doing even saying something like that? _It didn't make any sense. _Unless the kappa gets off on it. _Either way, Sanzo realized that if he did burst into the room now, he would probably be greeted with a sight that he definitely wanted to avoid. _Shit... now what? _He turned away from their door, and looked at Goku's across the hall. _Fuck. I hope that he's not.... _Sanzo walked quietly up to the door and opened it a crack, peering inside. The comforting sound of snoring reached his ears just before he spotted the monkey sprawled out over the bed, mouth half-open as he drooled over everything, and completely unconscious.

Sanzo breathed a sigh of relief and softly closed the door. He glared back at Gojyo's door for a minute, as though daring it's occupants to say anything else. But if they were saying anything, it was too soft for him to be able to make out the words. With an angry growl Sanzo stalked back to his room, slammed the door behind him, and sank onto his bed. This time, when he drifted off to sleep, he was finally able to stay there.

*****

Hakkai awoke to the feel of someone else's arms and legs tangled with his own. The bed smelled of sweat and sex, and the moment he opened his eyes, they were blinded by the light of the sun shining through crimson locks of hair. It wasn't the first time he'd stared up speechlessly at a flowing curtain of crimson. Even though he knew he should be upset with himself for falling asleep in Gojyo's bed, he couldn't help but take a minute to drink in this brief moment of happiness. Hakkai wondered if Gojyo had any idea how much he brightened up his world.

After the last vestiges of sleep left his eyes, Hakkai got up and had a quick shower before putting his clothes on. It was still fairly early, and it seemed as though everyone was still asleep as he crept silently out into the kitchen to start the usual morning routine. He would begin to cook breakfast, and the smell of the food would wake Goku from his sleep. Goku would then rush out into the kitchen and watch anxiously as he finished cooking. Sanzo would be along just a bit later, and Gojyo, if he got up at all, would be the last one to the table.

Cooking was normally something that Hakkai enjoyed, something that helped him overcome some of his negative guilty moods. But he caught himself wondering, as he separated the eggs, exactly what sort of a mood he could expect Sanzo to be in when he finally showed up at the table. Hakkai vaguely wondered if he felt more guilty for loving Gojyo in spite of his devotion to Sanzo, or for wanting Sanzo in spite of his relationship with Gojyo. Even though Gojyo insisted that he didn't mind, Hakkai still felt like he was cheating. Gojyo was used to having an open relationship, but Hakkai had never really made use of it before.

He felt that he was causing trouble either way. Hakkai wanted things that were too burdensome for anyone else to give him. He wanted Gojyo to be loyal to him and stop chasing skirts, and he wanted Sanzo to return his feelings even though it was something that Sanzo was constantly trying to avoid. He often asked himself, _What right do I have to want such things? _He knew that he really couldn't afford to be so picky. He was lucky just to be alive. But, for some reason, he couldn't seem to suppress those desires. Hakkai felt that he should know by now that needing other people would likely only get him into trouble. Just look at what had happened with Kanan. Apparently, he still hadn't learned his lesson.

"Hakkai, Hakkai! What're ya cookin'?"

"Ah... good morning, Goku. I'm making Egg Foo Yung with peas, tomatoes, and pork."

"Wow, that smells delicious!"

"Now, now, Goku... why don't you sit down at the table until I'm done?"

"But, isn't there anything that I can help with, Hakkai?"

"I'm sorry. Not this time, Goku." After all, whenever Goku tried to 'help', he ended up eating most of the ingredients before they ever got into the pan.

"Aw, okay," Goku reluctantly agreed, sighing in disappointment as he walked over to the table and sat down. "Hey, Hakkai?"

"What is it, Goku?"

"Are you an' Sanzo gonna stop fighting soon?"

"I hope so, Goku."

"What were you guys talkin' about last night?"

"Ah... I'm not sure Sanzo would want me to talk to you about that."

"Yeah, but... I wanna know."

Hakkai sighed. How could he deny such an honest request? If anyone deserved to know what was going on between himself and Sanzo, wasn't it Goku? Of course, there was no way that Sanzo would say anything. Like usual, it was up to Hakkai to think up an explanation. "Do you remember what Gojyo said the other day, Goku?"

"Yeah. Somethin' about how you liked Sanzo as a lover and not as a friend anymore, right Hakkai?"

_Is that what was said? _Hakkai wondered. He couldn't remember the exact wording that Gojyo had used, but he was fairly certain that wasn't it. "That's not entirely correct, Goku. I don't want to lose Sanzo as a friend." Hakkai paused for a moment, rather upset at the idea. It made him realize that he'd been worried about that very thing all along. "It's true that I would also like him to be my lover, but I don't want to stop being friends."

"So... you wanna be both at once? Can ya do that?"

"Yes," Hakkai replied. Although, when he thought about it, he wasn't sure that it would work with Sanzo. "Well, it is possible... for some people."

Goku wondered about that for a while. He didn't know a lot about lovers, but he knew a lot about friends. However, the two subjects had always seemed separate in his mind. Sanzo, Hakkai, and Gojyo were his friends, and he didn't have any lovers. He knew that Gojyo had lovers sometimes, but most of them weren't anything like friends. It was interesting to think that a person could be both a lover and a friend to someone at the same time. He wondered what that would be like. Goku tried to think of an example. Hakkai and Sanzo didn't really work, because he didn't think that Sanzo thought about Hakkai like that. Gojyo definitely thought of Sanzo like that, but those two weren't very good friends.

_What about Gojyo and Hakkai? _he thought. They were really good friends, but did they like each other as lovers? That question really made him stop and think. They didn't act like lovers. Goku had never seen them kiss, flirt, or hold hands. But just because he hadn't seen it didn't mean it wasn't happening. He knew that there was something going on between them, something they were keeping secret. He had never complained about it before, because it hadn't seemed like something that was bothering them. But, there was a difference in the way they talked sometimes, and in the way they looked at each other. It was a little bit like the way a guy looked at a girl.

Not like the way Gojyo looked at girls, because he was just a pervert. It was more like the way Hakkai looked at girls. As far as Goku was concerned, Hakkai was nice, and not perverted at all. But sometimes Gojyo looked at Hakkai with a perverted look, too. It made Goku wonder exactly what their relationship was. After all, Hakkai seemed to like the way Gojyo looked at him, no matter what kind of look it was. It made Goku really curious about them, and since Hakkai had brought up the subject of being both lovers and friends, he decided that he would ask. "So it's kinda like you an' Gojyo then?"

Hakkai froze when he heard the question. How could such a presumptive statement come out of such an innocent mouth so suddenly? He had been talking about how he felt about Sanzo, and standing around worrying that he was going to lose his friendship in addition to any chance he ever had at being the man's lover. Yet Goku had somehow made the connection between that and his relationship with Gojyo. Hakkai didn't understand how. They had always tried so hard to keep their relationship quiet; could it really have been figured out so easily? Then Hakkai started laughing, because the situation was awkward, and he didn't have the slightest idea what to say.

"What makes you think that?" he finally asked.

"'Cause... you guys are always together."

"Yes, that's true," Hakkai admitted. "However, I fail to see what that has to do with Sanzo and me."

"'Cause you want it to be the same, just like it is with you and Gojyo."

Hakkai's mouth dropped open at the statement, spoken in such an unassuming and straightforward manner. _Only Goku... _"I suppose... I do."

Goku looked away for a minute because Hakkai was looking down, and his voice was soft. That usually meant that he was sad or thinking about something. Goku hadn't meant to make him sad. "Is that why you were talking to Sanzo that night?" he asked, gloomily tracing the growth rings on the wooden dining table.

"Yes." Hakkai smiled. It was better if they stuck to the original topic, as far as he was concerned. The situation in general was just too confusing. "I was asking him if he was angry at me because of my relationship with Gojyo, but he said he wasn't."

"Do you believe that?" Goku asked.

Hakkai was startled by the response. "Is there a reason that I shouldn't?" He had taken Sanzo at his word. After all, the last thing that Sanzo wanted to do was get involved with anything going on between the two of them, he was sure of it.

"Sometimes I think he doesn't like it that you guys are so close."

"Why would you say that?"

"Because, well... he's always saying mean things about Gojyo, but he never says bad things about you, Hakkai."

"Ah ha ha." It did sound a bit incriminating, but... "That's because Gojyo and Sanzo don't get along very well." _That's the only reason, isn't it? _

"Yeah, but... it bothers him when you guys are together, too."

"That's because it always bothers Sanzo when two people are together," Hakkai replied. He was well-acquainted with Sanzo's insecurity about relationships. After all, Sanzo didn't like being reminded of the fact that he was a virgin.

"He's not like that around other couples, though," Goku replied. Sanzo never seemed to mind when they were out walking and they saw a couple holding hands, or when there were two people kissing in the street. "He's just like that around you guys."

Hakkai could feel his brain breaking at the news. He'd assumed that Sanzo was like that around all couples, but if he wasn't, then he wasn't sure what that meant. Sanzo normally liked to stay out of other people's business, so the only reason he would be jealous of Hakkai's relationship with Gojyo would be because Sanzo had feelings for Hakkai. What Goku was saying seemed to insinuate that. _But that can't be true, can it?_

"So, is that all you guys talked about?"

"Well, he was also asking me how I felt about him," Hakkai absently replied, wondering more than ever what Sanzo's feelings for him really were.

"What did you say?"

"I answered his question truthfully."

"Then what happened?" Goku was expecting Hakkai to say that Sanzo had been angry about it. So he was really surprised at Hakkai's answer.

"He listened for a while."

"Is that all?"

Hakkai paused for a moment, considering exactly how much he ought to be telling Goku. There were some things that would make Sanzo awfully uncomfortable if Goku knew about them, but at the same time, Hakkai was certain that if he lied Goku would know about it. The mood was awkward, and there was a look of innocent curiosity in Goku's wide golden eyes. _Sanzo can't hide it forever, _Hakkai thought. "He also asked me to kiss him."

"_What_?!" Goku's mouth gaped in shock and he jumped out of his seat. "Did ya do it?"

"Yes."

"Really? What was it like?"

"Ah, well..."

They were interrupted by the sound of a door loudly banging against its wooden frame somewhere down the hall. Footsteps quietly plodded along in a slow, steady manner, heading right in their direction. They both stopped and stared as Sanzo entered the room. His gaze passed right over them as though they weren't even there, and then he sat down to read his newspaper. Hakkai was relieved for once that Sanzo could be almost zombie-like when he got up in the morning.

Goku looked back over at Hakkai and asked, "Are the eggs done yet?"

Hakkai smiled. Goku was really very intelligent when he needed to be. "Just a bit longer, Goku," he cheerfully replied, and he turned back to the stove. Some of the eggs were a bit overdone, but they had plenty, he could just throw them out and cook more.

Sanzo didn't notice anything unusual. He was still half asleep, having been woken up so many times the night before. Luckily for Hakkai, he was too tired to be angry right now. His mind was still groggy as his eyes floated over the paper. However, Sanzo swore that he was still going to kill those two idiots later... or at least give them a good scare so that it never happened again. Either way, he wasn't about to bring it up around Goku.

Goku sat at the table and waited patiently while Hakkai finished cooking the meal. They had just started eating by the time Gojyo walked into the room, and he grabbed a plate and took a seat across the able from Hakkai. Everything was quiet at first. Gojyo thought that it was too quiet. Just like the day before, and the day before that. _Not this awkward silence shit again! _"You guys've gotta be fuckin' kiddin' me."

"Gojyo?" Hakkai replied, uncertain what was wrong.

"You're at it again, aren't ya?"

"At what?"

"Don't play stupid with me, Hakkai! After last night you're just gonna clam up and pretend that nothing happened?!"

"Now, Gojyo..."

"Don't 'Now, Gojyo' me! Why are you lettin' him do this to you, Hakkai?! This is fuckin' insane!"

"I'm not letting anyone do anything, Gojyo. This is just the best way to handle the situation."

"Oh yeah, it's always best if you pretend that shit never happened and don't talk about it."

"Gojyo--"

"'Cause being in denial solves fuckin' everything!"

"Stop this," Hakkai demanded, an unusual firmness to the tone of his voice.

"No, I'm not gonna stop! This is bullshit Hakkai, and you know it! But you're just gonna let Sanzo get away with it 'cause he's a spoiled, insecure bastard who can't handle being close to anyone!"

"It's not Sanzo's fault that he's afraid--"

"I'm _what_?" Sanzo interrupted.

Hakkai and Gojyo froze in place, turning their heads to see the angry expression on Sanzo's face. It was livid with anger, as he had obviously been offended. Sanzo had expected that kind of talk from the perverted kappa, but it was what Hakkai said that really pissed him off. "You think I'm scared?"

_Oh, dear..._ Hakkai thought. He knew that he was in a lot of trouble. _That was most definitely the wrong thing to say. _

Sanzo got up from his seat, pushing it out of the way so hard that it skidded loudly across the floor. His angry violet eyes didn't take their focus off Hakkai for an instant as he stomped over.

"Perhaps that was the wrong choice of words?" Hakkai offered, smiling and laughing to himself even as he cringed at the menacing look Sanzo was giving him. Sanzo didn't stop until he was right in Hakkai's face. "What I meant to say was--"

"Outside. Now."

"Ah... yes, Sanzo," Hakkai agreed. _He's going to kill me. Sanzo is most definitely going to kill me now._

Gojyo and Goku watched with stupefied looks on their faces as Hakkai walked out the door. Sanzo followed, slamming it shut behind him. The idiot combo didn't need to know what was going on. In fact, if Sanzo caught them peeking through the curtains, he would kill them. Hakkai was waiting several meters away, near the other side of the building. Sanzo huffed at the typical expression of guilt on his face. Then he quickly crossed the space between them and fisted his shirt, pulling Hakkai's face down to look him in the eye. "So you think I'm afraid?"

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, um..." Hakkai trailed off, unable to make any further excuse for himself. He tried to look as apologetic as possible while choking on his own words. All of a sudden, he felt something being smashed against his mouth. His eyes had snapped shut at the proximity of an object so close to his face. His lips were crushed against his teeth by something warm and-- surprisingly-- soft. Then he realized that Sanzo was kissing him. Those were Sanzo's lips pressed against his own, and before he could even think to suppress it, a wanton moan echoed from his throat and into his mouth. It didn't get past his lips because Sanzo was there, muffling any sound from coming out. Hakkai's cock twitched, his knees felt like they were going to buckle, and the rest of his body melted like butter.

_I'm not afraid, _Sanzo insisted, pressing his lips hard against Hakkai's. He'd come at them with a lot of force, and even after the initial impact he didn't allow the pressure to diminish at all. _I'm not afraid, damn it! _Sanzo was intent on proving his point, keeping Hakkai trapped beneath his lips, stubbornly insisting that what Hakkai had said was wrong. Then Sanzo noticed that those lips were smooth and yielding, and alluringly hot. He heard the moan rise in Hakkai's throat, and felt the feathery touch of breath blowing over his cheek.

Then Sanzo realized that he didn't have the slightest idea what he was doing. Hell, he'd never tried to kiss anyone before. He'd never even wanted to watch other people kiss. Sanzo didn't know how it was supposed to work, or what he should do. _I should move, right? _But he didn't know whether to move up or down, left or right; it was so confusing. And was he supposed to drag his lips against Hakkai's, or pick them up and then push in closer? _This is just stupid... _he thought. _I'm not going to make a fool of myself._ After taking a moment to calm down and catch his breath, Sanzo slowly pulled away and asked, "Now what?"

"I, um..." Hakkai had intended to answer the question verbally. His mind began the process of coming up with a coherent answer, but it was muddled by the way his lungs were panting for breath. His legs were trembling slightly, and heat was steadily pooling in his groin. The heady haze that filled his mind made it impossible to articulate an acceptable reply. Instead, his lips dove for Sanzo's mouth, kissing them softly from one end to the other.

Sanzo wasn't expecting that, but he couldn't say that he was entirely surprised, either. He held perfectly still and let Hakkai kiss him, studying each and every movement so that next time he would know what to do. Hakkai's kisses were gentle and brief, yet relentless. Sanzo felt an unfamiliar warmth spreading through his body. For some reason, it was difficult to breathe all of a sudden. His lips felt as though they were on fire. Then the fire abruptly blew itself out.

"I'm sorry," Hakkai said, stepping back a pace or two.

"Shut up," Sanzo replied, fishing through his pockets for his pack of Marlboros. _The last thing I want to hear right now is your damn apology. _He walked over to the railing on the side of the porch and leaned against it as he lit his cigarette. His nerves were all on edge and he felt jittery, like he'd had one too many cups of coffee. Was it supposed to feel like this? _It's all Hakkai's fault. _

Hakkai was left standing by the wall, confused by the awkwardness of the moment. He was worried that Sanzo was upset with him, but he didn't seem terribly upset. It would be really awkward if Sanzo saw the bulge in his pants, but he didn't seem to have noticed. Aside from all of that, Hakkai desperately wanted to know where they would go from here. "Are we...?" _...seeing each other now? No, that's not the right question to ask. Sanzo wouldn't like the wording._ "I mean, do you intend to--"

"I can't promise anything."

"Ah." Hakkai was honestly disappointed, even though he should have expected as much. "If it's a burden to you, then... I'll try not to act so upset."

"What're you talking about?"

"So that it doesn't bother the others."

Sanzo sighed, because Hakkai was obviously assuming that he was trying to end it again. "That's not what I was saying."

"Then..." Hakkai took a few steps closer, standing by Sanzo's side and leaning against the railing. "What are you saying, Sanzo?"

"I'm saying that I can't make a commitment. I can't promise that it'll work, or that it will last."

"Yes, I understand that," Hakkai answered. "No one can promise those things." He waited for a response, but Sanzo didn't give him any. He just stared out into the street, silently inhaling and exhaling smoke in between breaths. "I know that I'm asking a lot of you. So, if you don't want to do this... then, I'll understand."

"Idiot," Sanzo remarked. He wanted to make it perfectly clear that no one could force him to do something, not even Hakkai. "Do you really think that I would do something if I didn't want it?"

Hakkai gaped in complete and utter shock for a moment. _So, he really does want it. _It was more than he'd ever hoped for. He didn't how to feel. The happiness was so overwhelming that he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. So he laughed.


	21. Chapter 21 Monkey Business

**Monkey Business**

Goku and Gojyo stood by the table, frozen in shock as Hakkai and Sanzo left the building. They stayed there for a couple of minutes, hearing nothing more than a bit of mumbling. It was strange that there was no yelling. They had both expected Sanzo to at least raise his voice and start bitching.

"What do ya think they're doing out there?"

"I don't know," Gojyo replied, wondering what he would see if he took a peek through the curtains. He decided to creep over and take a look. His fingertips parted the curtain slightly, and what he saw made him gape in surprise.

They were kissing, with their lips pressed tightly together. They were both so damn pretty. _Fuck, that's hot... _Gojyo thought, feeling his cock twitch inside his pants. There was a look of sheer bliss on Hakkai's face, but Sanzo's expression was angry. His eyebrows furrowed and his fingers clenched the fabric around the neck of Hakkai's shirt. _Why does he have to look angry even while he's kissing someone? _

Gojyo watched as they separated for a moment. Sanzo's features softened and he spoke, although Gojyo couldn't hear the words through the glass. Hakkai seemed as though he was going to say something, but then he started kissing Sanzo instead. They were soft, insistent kisses that went from one end of his mouth to the other.

What surprised Gojyo was the way that Sanzo stood still and allowed it to happen. His eyes were closed so that his thick eyelashes rested softly on his cheeks. He looked peaceful and almost submissive, like he was about to start blushing any minute. _Oh, he wants it alright. He wants it bad._

"So what're they doin'?"

The voice was right behind him. Even though it wasn't particularly loud, Gojyo nearly jumped out of his skin at the close proximity of it. He looked to his side and Goku was there, as though he'd somehow crept up next to him without making so much as a sound. Gojyo shrugged and walked back to his seat at the table. "They're... just talkin'."

Goku didn't believe it. If they were just talking, then what was with the silly expression on Gojyo's face when he looked outside? "Somethin's weird," he said, as he walked over to the window.

Panic shot though Gojyo as he tried to think of some excuse to prevent Goku from peeking through the curtains. Then he looked down at the table. Goku had left his food out in the open. "You don't mind if I eat this, do ya?" he asked, pulling a bit of egg off of Goku's plate.

"Hey! Put it back!" Goku cried, rushing back to the table.

Gojyo smiled and laughed to himself. _Damn, I'm good! _A second later he was tackled by the monkey and forced to drop the food as the two of them began pushing and pulling and yelling in each other's faces. Eventually the fight died down, and they both took their seats at the table. Goku seemed anxious to finish his breakfast, and Gojyo wasn't going to let the monkey hog all the good food. They bickered over it for a few minutes as they ate, but soon the food was gone and there was nothing left to do.

*****

Sanzo scowled and glared as he looked out at the street, trying to ignore the annoying laughter coming from just a few feet to his side. Why did Hakkai always have to laugh? He laughed when he was sad, he laughed when he was angry, and he laughed when he was nervous. What was he laughing about now? They had kissed. So what?

_It's not funny, _Sanzo thought. _There's nothing to be so joyful about. _It was a mystery to him why anyone would even be interested in him in the first place. He wasn't a loving person and didn't have anything to offer anyone. He wasn't a whore like the kappa, either. He wasn't about to jump in bed right away. _I can't give you that, _Sanzo thought. _Not now. _

He didn't understand what Hakkai was after in the first place. Sanzo didn't know the first thing about romance. He told himself that he didn't want to know, either. This was all just an annoying, inconvenient situation that he had to settle as quickly as possible.

On the other hand, Hakkai's lips had felt nice. Sanzo was appalled when he realized that he wanted to try it again. Just not right away. For the time being, he would calmly smoke his cigarette while staring out into the street, giving his mind some time to adjust to the decision he had just made.

Whatever there was between the two of them, he wasn't going to fight it. He was simply going to wait and see what happened, take things as they came. Sanzo realized that it was going to be difficult. His first instinct was to back away from things like that, but his normal reactions were getting in the way. He kept telling himself that the only reason he was doing it was because he didn't want Hakkai pining for him. It as pathetic. If there was any other reason for his actions, he didn't want to admit that it was there.

Hakkai stood nearby, smiling gleefully. He really couldn't help it. Even if Sanzo demanded that he stop, he doubted that he would be able to wipe the smile off his face. As it was, Sanzo didn't say anything. He simply leaned on the railing and stared out into the street with that usual annoyed expression on his face. Sanzo was undoubtedly irritated by the situation, but Hakkai had come to realize that it wasn't because of him. Sanzo simply didn't respond well to emotionally-charged situations, and that was okay.

Hakkai wanted to thank Sanzo for the tremendous consideration he had shown in admitting that he wanted something like this, in spite of his stubborn pride. For caring enough to always be right by his side whenever he needed someone to talk to. And most of all, for taking this chance, even though becoming close to other people was something that he tried to avoid at all costs. Hakkai also wanted to ask if Sanzo had any particular plans for the two of them within the next few days, but the mood was silent and it discouraged him from talking. Sanzo didn't seem like he would appreciate the interruption.

Sanzo appreciated the silence, even though he didn't show it. He knew that Hakkai was probably dying to talk about what had just happened. He probably had all kinds of questions about what they were going to do from this point on, and how they were going to make this work.

_I really don't know where we're going from here. _Everything Sanzo had really needed to say had already been said when his lips had first locked with Hakaki's. _I don't want to think about what will happen. _He still thought it was a dumb idea for the two of them to get involved like that, but what choice did he have?

"It should only be another day or two until Goku's leg is completely healed," Hakkai said, trying to make polite conversation in order to make the tension between them dissipate. "Then we can get back on the road again."

"Good," Sanzo replied, glad to be talking about something normal for once instead of focusing on whatever was happening between the two of them. "I'm sick of this place."

"I'm sure you are. Ah ha ha ha."

"The sooner we can leave, the better."

"Yes." For once, Hakkai actually agreed. They'd spent so much time in this town already. It would be nice to get back on the road again, although Gojyo and Goku would probably spend a lot of time arguing, which would wear on Sanzo's nerves. Thinking about Gojyo and Goku also reminded Hakkai that they were still waiting in the kitchen. "I should probably go back inside now. Goku will want seconds, and there will be a lot of dishes to wash."

Sanzo grunted in acknowledgment, not moving an inch from his spot on the railing as Hakkai walked back into the inn. There wasn't any reason for Sanzo to follow. He didn't want to deal with Goku and Gojyo, and he wasn't hungry enough to finish his breakfast. In fact, now that he thought about it, he'd lost his appetite entirely.

Along with the acceptance of this new facet of his relationship with Hakkai came a new kind of anxiety that he hadn't expected. _What am I worried about? _he wondered. His question had the same answer it always did. He didn't want to lose someone. He didn't want to be hurt again. Because of that, he didn't want to be close to anyone either.

_I'm not really afraid that I'll start to care about Hakkai so much that I can't stand to lose him, am I? _Sanzo wondered. _That's stupid. _He told himself that it would never happen; he would never allow his feelings for anyone to make him that vulnerable again. Yet, he was taking an unnecessary risk in allowing Hakkai to get this far. Sanzo regretted it already. He almost wanted to take the whole thing back, but he knew it would cause too much trouble.

*****

"It's really quiet out there," Goku said, looking over at the window again.

"It's not like those two prudes ever make any noise."

"But Sanzo was angry, right?"

_He was... _Gojyo thought, remembering the angry look on Sanzo's face just a moment earlier. It had softened up really nice when Hakkai had started kissing him, though. _I don't think he's angry anymore. _

While he was lost in thought, Goku had wandered over to the window, and this time there wasn't any food to distract him with. Gojyo's mind raced as he tried to think of something. Quickly, before Goku's hands brushed aside the curtains. He was too late.

"I guess they really are just talkin'."

"What?"

"I can't tell 'cause they're both lookin' out at the street."

Gojyo walked up and peered through the curtains. Sure enough, they were standing side by side, leaning on the rail with their backs turned to the window. _Good thing they're not kissin' anymore. _Because if Goku had caught them, they'd definitely have some explaining to do. Sanzo would be pissed if that happened. In fact, Gojyo wondered exactly how the monk planned on telling Goku. He probably didn't have a clue how to do it.

"If they're just talkin', then... that's good, right?" Goku asked.

"Yeah, I guess," Gojyo answered. "They're talkin' like they always do, right?"

"Yeah," Goku agreed. "But I don't get it. What were you guys talkin' about before?"

"Before what?"

"Hakkai said Sanzo was afraid of something, but nobody never said what it was."

"That's because it's not important."

"Then why'd ya get mad about it?"

"I wasn't that mad. I was just, uh... annoyed, that's all. Because they were fighting again. Besides, shouldn't you be more worried about why Sanzo was mad?"

"But Sanzo always gets mad when people say stuff like that. You're the one who's actin' weird!"

"I'm just actin' weird 'cause they're actin' weird! It's fuckin' annoying!"

"It's 'cause of the kiss, isn't it?" Goku asked. He was pretty sure Gojyo knew about it. Why else would he be acting all fidgety and concerned?

"Wha--" Gojyo gaped. "What kiss?" He really wasn't sure which one Goku was talking about. Had he somehow figured out what had been going on outside just a minute ago, or was it something else?

"Hakkai kissed Sanzo the other night."

"How do you know about that?!"

"Hakkai told me."

"Oh, boy..." Gojyo sighed, shaking his head. "When Sanzo finds out about this, he's not gonna be happy."

"I'm glad Hakkai told me! 'Cause I wanted to know about it, 'cause it's Sanzo!"

"Tch, I know that, but...." Gojyo paused for a moment, frustrated by the situation. "I don't think that you're the one Sanzo's gonna be mad at."

Goku frowned at those words. "I don't want him to be mad at Hakkai, it's not his fault. I'm the one who wanted to know about it. If Sanzo wants to be mad, then... he should be mad at me."

"What he should do is get over it," Gojyo said. "If he has a problem with it, then it's his problem, not everyone else's. Fuckin' tight-ass bastard."

"Pervy kappa."

"How can you stick up for him when he's being such a dick?!"

"'Cause he's Sanzo! An' even if he's mean sometimes, he's still Sanzo!"

"Oi... speak so I can understand you, stupid monkey!" Gojyo replied, rubbing his knuckles into Goku's hair.

"Ow, that hurts!" Goku whined. The conversation descended into a bout of screaming, pushing, shoving and hair-pulling, which lasted only a few minutes before Hakkai opened the door.

"Now now, you two. You won't get seconds unless you sit at the table."

"Seconds? All right!" Goku yelled, scrambling back to the table.

Gojyo shook his head and sighed. "Does that monkey ever care about anything besides food?"

"What else should he care about, Gojyo?" Hakkai asked.

"You're the one to be asking me that question," Gojyo said. _Especially after what you were just doing to Sanzo out there, you sneaky bastard._

Hakkai simply smiled instead of voicing his reply. After that he walked over to the table, gathered up the used cups and dishes, and deposited them in the sink. He made sure the food was nice and warm before offering a second helping. Gojyo and Goku both accepted, and went back to eating. Even though Hakkai had given them both quite a bit of food, it didn't take Goku long to scarf it all down and start asking questions again.

"Hey, Hakkai... ya never told me what the kiss was like."

The plate that Hakkai had been holding sunk into the water, making clanking sounds against the other dishes and the bottom of the sink. He wasn't quite certain what to say at this point, and felt that it was better if this particular conversation was postponed indefinitely. There was no way that Goku would allow that to happen, though.

While debating what sort of response to give, Hakkai noticed that it was quiet in the room. Too quiet. Gojyo didn't seem to be shocked at all, which was strange. Hakkai turned around to look in their direction. "Gojyo? You already know about it?"

"Yep. Stupid little monkey let it slip just a minute ago."

"I'm not stupid and I'm not a monkey!"

It seemed like they might get into a fight, so Hakkai tried to go back to doing the dishes. However, Gojyo had decided to ignore Goku instead of fighting with him, because he really wanted to hear about the kiss, too. It was only a moment before Hakkai was interrupted again.

"You're still gonna tell me about it, right?"

"I'm not sure if this is something we should be talking about."

"But you said you were gonna tell me about it!"

"I don't recall making any such statement."

"Come on, Hakkai! I really wanna know!"

"Goku..." Hakkai sighed, wiped the soapy water from his hands with a towel, and turned his whole body around to face them. "Sometimes, when two people do something together, they want to keep it just between the two of them."

"Like a secret, right? But I don't like secrets!"

"No, not exactly. There's also something called privacy, Goku--"

"Aw, man... am I really gonna have to listen to this lecture?" Gojyo interrupted.

"You can tune it out if you'd like," Hakkai suggested.

"I don't care what you call it, it's still the same thing!" Goku insisted. "I wanna know why Sanzo was mad at ya! And why you guys are still actin' funny! And why..." he trailed off as he looked toward the door, wondering what Sanzo was doing out there. "I just wanna know that he's okay. 'Cause Sanzo..."

This time when Goku paused, it was because he didn't want to hurt Hakkai's feelings. But he really didn't know how else to say it. "He doesn't like doin' stuff like that."

"He's fine." Even though the statement was more or less true, Hakkai felt like he was lying as he said it. The more he thought about recent events, the more his guilt grew. "However, it is true that my feelings for Sanzo have caused him trouble." At least, it certainly had the first time they had kissed, which was the time that Goku kept insisting that he ought to know about. "It truly wasn't my intention to kiss him that time. I wouldn't have, if he hadn't told me to."

"But why did he tell you to, Hakkai?"

"Perhaps it was because..." He was going to say that it was because Sanzo knew that Hakkai wanted to do it. But, now that Hakkai thought about it, he didn't think that Sanzo would allow it just for that one reason. It didn't make any sense. There had to be something else. "No, I'm really not sure why."

"Well, what happened?"

"I had told him that I had wanted to kiss him." Hakkai reported it casually, as though talking about something commonplace, like the weather, or their next meal. Then he was quick to defend himself. "I really didn't intend to do that, either, but..." He struggled to find the words for what had taken place, remembering the way Sanzo had demanded an answer that day. "He forced me."

The phrase unexpectedly brought back memories of Kanan, and the way she had forced him to listen to her suggestions, learn the games she liked to play, and cook her food. She was someone who had always spoken her mind, Sanzo was like that, too.

_But, the two of them are so different, _Hakkai objected to his own line of reasoning. Comparing Sanzo to Kanan was surely much like comparing apples and oranges. Her methods of talking him into something had been kind and gentle; even her outspoken moments had been full of smiles and laughter. Sanzo was harsh and angry in comparison. Yet, underneath his icy demeanor, he truly cared for those around him. In contrast, Kanan had cared for people openly, yet there was still this strange sense of similarity. They had certainly both cared for him, in their own ways.

_This train of thought is... _Hakkai shook his head. It was simply unacceptable. He decided to think about something else.

Meanwhile, Goku had been listening carefully to what Hakkai had said. He guessed that it wasn't Hakkai's fault if Sanzo had forced him. Goku couldn't really blame Hakkai, because he knew that there were times when Sanzo wouldn't take no for an answer. But even if it wasn't really Hakkai's fault, Goku was still worried. He still didn't understand why Sanzo had done it. _Did he do it 'cause he's worried about Hakkai, or because it was causing too much trouble? _It didn't even occur to Goku that Sanzo could possibly enjoy such a thing, let alone want it.

Goku had known Sanzo for a long time, and he always tried to avoid things like that. Goku didn't really understand why, but there was no way Sanzo was going to change his mind just because someone else wanted him to.

Anyway, why would Sanzo have acted so strangely the past few days if everything was really okay? Goku knew that Hakkai wouldn't want to hurt Sanzo, but that didn't mean that he'd actually managed not to. A lot of the time when Sanzo was upset, he didn't want anyone to know about it. As much as Goku wanted to believe in what Hakkai had said, he wouldn't be satisfied until he knew what was going on for himself.

Gojyo was just sitting there saying nothing. He listened to the nervous tone in Hakkai's voice and watched the way Goku's gaze kept drifting toward the door. The questions were probably making Hakkai feel even worse than he should, and the last thing that guy needed was another guilt trip. But, of course, the monkey was worried about his master. Gojyo couldn't really say anything about it. The whole situation was fucked up. In his opinion, it was all Sanzo's fault. _He's such an asshole._

As if on cue, Sanzo walked through the door. He entered the room without looking at any of them and sat down at the table. There was tension, and that was to be expected. Luckily, his newspaper was still nearby, and Sanzo wasted no time burying his face in it.

Normally, activity would pick up after that, but it didn't. It was unusually quiet, and Sanzo got the distinct impression that all three of the others had been talking about him behind his back. Inclining the paper away from his face, he peered over the top of it at the two sitting at the table with him. "What's going on?"

"Aw, nothin'." Gojyo replied in the same casual tone as usual. Goku looked up at Sanzo with a stupid expression on his face, and Hakkai was busying himself with the dishes.

Sanzo went back to his paper. A few local demon reports; nothing unusual. He wondered why they hadn't been attacked already. Maybe Kougaiji and his minions had decided to take a vacation after their last battle; who knew?

After a few minutes, Sanzo realized that he was hungry. He hadn't eaten much of his breakfast before the earlier disturbance. Everything was cold now, but he really didn't care. He took a few bites of the eggs. They weren't bad, but they needed something. "Hey, Hakkai... do we have any mayonnaise?"

"How the fuck are you gonna put mayonnaise on your eggs?!" Gojyo protested.

"Shut up, perverted kappa!"

"At least I'm not the one with the taste buds of an alien!"

"Now now, you two," Hakkai interrupted, setting a jar of mayo on the table. It was sufficient to distract Sanzo from arguing with Gojyo, at least. "Would you like more food, Goku?"

"Nah, it's okay," Goku said, pushing his plate away. Everyone stared at him for a minute.

"You don't want any?" Hakkai asked. "There's still plenty in the pan."

"No, I'm fine."

"You're not hungry?" Gojyo asked.

"I don't believe it," Sanzo added.

"Ah ha ha, very well then," Hakkai finished, taking the dirty dishes back to the sink.

There was an awkward silence for a moment. Then Sanzo went back to his paper, Gojyo leaned back in his chair, and Goku smiled sheepishly while Hakkai resumed washing the dishes. None of them wanted to start up a conversation about what was really going on.

_Those bastards, _Sanzo thought. Now he was certain that they had been talking about him behind his back. It pissed him off. It was bad enough that something was happening between him and Hakkai, but it would be even worse if everyone knew about it. Sanzo didn't like the stupid looks that Goku kept giving him, either. _Someone definitely told him something._

It was so annoying that Sanzo wanted to put his paper down and stomp right back outside just to get away from them. But he was actually getting hungry, so spread the mayonnaise over his eggs and ate them first. At least Goku and Gojyo still gave him the same strange looks that they always did when he ate something smothered in mayo. _Idiots. There's nothing wrong with the way I eat._ It tasted good. They just didn't know what they were missing. _They don't understand how well the rich taste of mayonnaise goes with the sweetness of the pork and the meaty tomatoes in these eggs. _

Even though the mood in the room had calmed down by the time he finished eating, Sanzo wasn't sure that he wanted to stay. He really wanted to know what the three of them had been saying before he got there, but it wasn't a good time to interrogate them. It would probably start more drama with Hakkai, and make Gojyo and Goku upset. Sanzo wasn't in the mood to deal with any of that. He was sick of it.

"I'm going out for a smoke," he announced, hoping it would lessen the tension if he warned them beforehand. It didn't really matter, so he went ahead and walked out the door.

Hakkai and Gojyo didn't think much of it when Sanzo left, but Goku's eyes followed him to the door. He knew it was stupid, but he couldn't stop looking. It seemed like Sanzo was okay now, but was he really okay, or was he just pretending? Things were awkward, but there wasn't as much tension between them as there had been for the past few days. It was just weird. Goku didn't get it. _What were they talkin' about out there? _

While Hakkai finished washing the dishes, he noticed that the room was too quiet. He glanced at the table and caught the confused look on Goku's face. It made him feel guilty all over again. This really wasn't fair to Goku at all.

Hakkai couldn't help but sigh as he returned to the dishes, drying them all off and setting them in their respective cupboards. He didn't know what he could do about it. No one could force Sanzo to talk with Goku, and Hakkai had already tried to explain it the best that he could. Staying in the dining room with them was only making him feel worse. "I'm going to go read for a bit."

Gojyo watched as Hakkai made his way past them and toward the hallway that led to their rooms. He didn't say anything even though he wanted to. It would only make things worse. It was probably better if Hakkai had a little time to himself now, because he really needed to calm down and relax.

Meanwhile, Gojyo turned to his attention to companion at the table. The monkey was strangely silent, staring at the door as though his gaze could bore holes in the walls and reveal the object of his current obsession. "Oi, little monkey..." he paused to drop a fist onto Goku's head. "You're not gettin' jealous, are ya?"

"Hey, stop that!" Goku cried, pushing Gojyo's hand off of his head. "Whadda ya mean?"

"You know, like when a little brat only has a single parent, and then that parent starts dating, and the kid drives away all the dates because he's afraid that his parent won't have any time for him anymore?"

Goku blinked. He wasn't sure. It was true that he cared about Sanzo a lot, and maybe on some level he was jealous that Hakkai had kissed him. But it wasn't because he thought that Sanzo wouldn't have time for him anymore. He knew that Sanzo would still care about him, no matter what happened.

"It's not that." The real reason Goku upset was because he didn't understand what was going on. Sanzo had seemed angry and upset earlier. Goku was worried about him. "I just don't get it."

"Hm? Ya don't get what?"

"I don't get why he did it. Why would Sanzo ask Hakkai to kiss him? It's just weird!"

"Yeah, I guess it was pretty unusual," Gojyo agreed. "But you know... maybe Sanzo wanted Hakkai to kiss him?"

"Yeah, right. You're just sayin' that 'cause you want it to be that way, pervy kappa."

Gojyo smirked. "You just can't accept the idea that Sanzo might want to kiss somebody, can ya?"

"No," Goku replied. "It doesn't make sense. Come on, Gojyo.!You've known us for years an' Sanzo's never done anything like that!"

"Yeah, but...if he's pushing people away like that all the time...don't you think he'd get a little lonely?"

The question stayed on Goku's mind as he looked back over at the door. It was true that Sanzo didn't let a lot of people get close to him, but was it also true that he was lonely? He probably was, at least a little bit. Goku was sure that Sanzo felt that way sometimes, even if he'd never say so. But it wasn't as bad now as it had been when Goku had first met him. In fact, now that they were on their journey, Sanzo complained about being around the others too much.

Gojyo was getting bored. There was nothing to do. Sanzo was standing outside smoking, Hakkai was in his room reading, and the monkey was silently staring at a door. As crazy as things had been the past few days, he was afraid that something else would happen if he left. But he felt like he would die of boredom if he didn't do something, so he reluctantly decided to go to the bar. Playing a game of poker with a bunch of lushes who were drunk at noon was better than sitting around with a gloomy Sanzo party. After tussling Goku's hair one last time, Gojyo got up and left.

Goku thought that it would be as good a time as any to go and talk to Sanzo. He'd had a few minutes to stand around and smoke, so he was probably more relaxed than he had been earlier. Goku didn't want to bother Hakkai after all the questions he'd asked earlier, either. A minute or two after Gojyo had left, Goku ventured out the door. Sanzo was just a few steps away, leaning against a wall and smoking a cigarette. Goku walked over and stood beside him, trying to think of a way to ask questions that wouldn't get him whacked over the head with Sanzo's paper fan.

Sanzo thought that it was annoying. He knew that Goku had come outside to say something, but he was holding back. Sanzo just wanted to get it over with already. "What is it?"

Before he said anything, Goku looked up at the grouchy expression on Sanzo's face. It wasn't any worse than usual. He actually seemed pretty calm. "Are ya still mad?"

_About what? _Sanzo wondered, looking down at Goku. _The argument I had with Hakkai this morning? _"No."

Goku stared at him for a moment and then looked back down at the ground.

Sanzo huffed. Someone had obviously told the monkey something, and now he was acting weird because of it. The situation was getting more and more annoying by the second. "What did they tell you?"

"Hakkai said he kissed you the other day."

"Tch, idiot."

"He said that you told him to."

The comment bothered Sanzo, and he was reluctant to reply to it. "Yeah."

"Why?"

Sanzo mentally groaned at the simple question. There was nothing more irritating than the way Goku was constantly demanding explanations for things that he didn't want to talk about. How could he explain what he had done? "You remember the way things were the other day, right?"

"Yeah."

"That's why."

"So... ya did it because things were weird and ya didn't like it?"

This time Sanzo couldn't hold back an annoyed sigh. "That's not it."

"Then why?"

"I didn't like the way he was acting that day."

Goku thought about that for a minute. Then he smiled, because what Sanzo was really saying was that he cared about Hakkai and didn't want him to be sad. Goku didn't like seeing Hakkai sad either. If a kiss made him happy again, then that was all right. He didn't really know what to think about it, but it seemed like Sanzo was fine now. Whatever the problem had been before, it wasn't bothering Sanzo that much anymore. Goku was really happy about that.

After watching Goku for a minute, Sanzo reached down to muss his hair. "It's not something that you need to worry about."

"Okay."

*****

END.

*****

Author's Note:

There is a reason I've been so slow with their series lately. It's because, for quite some time now, I've been at the point where I felt I just had to stop and re-evaluate things. While I'm still happy with the original plot ideas, I don't feel that my writing is expressing those ideas the way it should.

Awhile back a friend of mine mentioned a certain fic in which the exposition was terribly overdone, and I couldn't help but wonder if I don't make the same mistake sometimes. I have a tendency to over-analyze everything, and I'm sure it couldn't hurt to tone it down a little.

I've also realized that I'm entirely unhappy with the way I've written Hakkai throughout most of this series. He's just so pathetic. It's horrible. And although it is true that his personality actually was pretty pathetic during most of the Chin Yisou arc, I can't help but feel as though I've made it worse. I want to change that. Because Hakkai deserves better, regardless of my whole love/hate relationship with his character.

I can't say that my latest chapter has accomplished that at all. But, I did take a lot of time out to arrange it so that it made sense and try to cut back on some of the exposition. From now on, I want to put a lot more effort into the series, to make it something that's really worth reading and not just something mediocre. It'll probably take a lot of time, and a complete overhaul of certain things, but I think that any effort I put in will be worth it.

I'd also like to ask anyone who's read my fics to give me any feedback that they have. Everyone always has an opinion about what they read. I want to hear them, regardless of whether I'd find them favorable or not. The only way to improve is to realize your faults and work on them.

I'm just so lost in my own little world sometimes, I really need the constructive criticism to figure out what I'm doing wrong... or even just what I could do better.

~Hector


End file.
